SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm and old timer here.
Things tend to happen over and over.
When I read your first post the first thing I thought was this poor gent thinks she has been faithful umtil.asking for a D. Dig deeper i..willing to bet my lunch for a week that she was intimate with him pior to asking for a D. Women tend not to leave an M unless they have an emotional attachment. For that dance to occur the male has trade some level of attachment which usually only occurs with sex.

See an attorney NOW.
You need to know the financial settlement is fair and can't be renegotiate when the mood strikes. Yes it may not cost anything now but it will be later. Get a legal document on place so she isn't going to abuse your pain and willingness to protect your child.in the future.

She is not your wife. She is not your friend. She will do whatever she can to get what she wants. She is not a good mother. You need to be the safe sane strong parent.

Hey OP. Just wanted to chime in and give you my support. It's a tough hit to the self esteem, I know. But, you will get through this and you will get stronger. When I was in the thick of it, that advice made me pretty angry. But here I am, years later and doing okay. My ex, not so much.

There have been volumes written on the differences of male and female behaviour, and although there is some overlap, I think what you are seeing is classic monkey branching. She tested out the potential of the new guy while dehumanizing and vilifying you. She did the to make you the bad guy, or at the very least, deserving of you own mistreatment. She has to be either the hero or the victim in her own narrative. She cannot be the villain.

You should fully prepare for her affair to go south sometime in the future, even soon, as the fantasy bubble bursts. When it does she will come to you with boiler play excuses: it was a mistake, I never loved him, I was going through x,y,z, it was just sex, we only did I once, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Or she will blameshit: you never paid attention to me, you were always gone, you were always here, you worked too much, too lille, just enough but that made me feel not special...

The point is, there will be no end to the bullshit that comes out of her mouth. Funny thing, we've all heard it before. It's like watching a movie with the sound off. We've memorized all the dialogue.

The bestway to navigate what is ahead of you is to try and temper your emotional responses. Give yourself time to truly consider your moves. Do the logical stuff that people are saying, finances, lawyer, ensure there is a paper trail of all communication, assume she will play dirty to get her way, so record everything. But after that, seek good counsel and heed it.

And be cautious of taking advice from those who haven't been betrayed. For them, their only experience is through Hollywood, where infidelity is oh-so-romantic. But also be cautious from taking advice from those who have been betrayed (like me) as we can protect our own experiences onto your situation.

In the end, we are here for you. You will get through ths. And be strong...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:01 AM, Saturday, November 30th]

You realize the cheater has to justify the affair by making the betrayed spouse the bad guy.

It’s the only way they can live with themselves.

As others have posted, there are some very typical behavioral patterns we see from cheaters. Sometimes it’s so predictable it’s funny or scary how accurate the betrayeds here at SI can be.

You are only a "bad guy" in the eyes of the cheater. Now is the time to get your support team together— lawyer, family you can trust, a few good friends you can trust etc. and consider a professional counselor to support you as well.

You will survive this. We all do.

It was his partner who contacted me first to say that they were kissing at work, once she found out I was talking to her she decided to tell me that they had slept together. It’s been three weeks now and I’ve been very up and down. I’ve been able to manage work okay but some days I feel like my life is over. I went round to see my daughter last night and she was acting like the happiest woman on earth. She said that they were no longer talking and she is just focusing on our daughter and starting a new life.

I feel robbed of the chance to actually work on our marriage before throwing it away, I feel hurt that she wouldn’t even talk to me about the way that she was feeling before throwing it away and I feel so sad for my daughter who now has a part time dad and will most likely be downgrading her standard of living.

Blindsided

Sometimes the best solution is to give them what they ask for.
This often turns out to be something other than they want.
She’s demanding a divorce. She probably has some vision on how that will take place. At best (and extremely rarely) that vision will be based on reality. More common is some fantasy where basically you leave, taking maybe the plastic picnic cutlery and the microwave and you two still remain great friends, with you coming over on Saturdays to fix her car and having a coffee with the new man wearing the old bathrobe you had to leave behind.
It's extremely unlikely she will change her mind, and even if she does so NOW it will be with you as the beggar and her from a position of power. (I won’t divorce you if a) you NEVER mention OM or prevent me from meeting him and b) you fix perceived problems a to z...)

With divorce: Realize that with a marriage and a child there is a legal process that should ensure both your rights. Makes the divorce as "fair" as it could be. That "fair" is a strange enigma because in successful divorce neither of you will feel it is "fair". But it is.
I encourage you in the strongest terms possible to have a professional handle your divorce. At the very least you combine over one solicitor whose role it is to follow the law and ensure a complete and fair divorce that does not favor one more than the other.

If this is the typical affair, then odds are high that once she realizes OM isn’t leaving his partner and that she won’t be keeping the house or both vehicles or whatever THEN she might start talking about reconciliation. But even if that interested you at that time, at least it won’t allow her the negotiation status of power she has now.

Finally – Two points:
Remember that now is now. Whatever needs your daughter has NOW will not be the same in 3 years, or 6 or 10. Don’t base your future purely on present needs.
You are firing her from the role of "wife". If she slags you and presents you as a monster, it wont have any impact on you whatsoever long-term.

Wrong forum

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:34 PM, Sunday, November 24th]

My friend you and I are in a similar boat so to speak. IMO given my circumstance you sound extremely judgmental of yourself, like myself am doing, my wife claims the same thing, I was not there to support her emotionally when she needed it and I was actually "mean". I think the reasoning behind these indiscretions are weak and only a way to assess blame on you and me and make themselves feel vindicated for their poor judgment and atrocious behavior.

I have been very hard on myself throughout all of this, but I suppose it’s easy to blame yourself for it happening when someone feeds you some bullshit about why they cheated on you, I’ve since come to realise I could have been the most perfect husband in the world and she still would have done it.

My confidence was on the floor for the first few weeks and I genuinely saw myself as worthless and not worthy of love or giving love, I’ve worked hard on myself over the last 6 weeks and I’ve figured out that no matter what anybody does to me I am a good person with a big heart and a lot of love to give. It’s going to be a long road trying to get myself back to where I was and really love myself again but at least now I know I’m not some ugly little creature and I’m certainly not the things she made me out to be to justify her shitty behaviour.

The problem I’m having is still loving someone who has shat all over me and turned my world upside down, I know what she did, I know I will never want to be with her again so why can’t I just stop loving her, as I’ve said before we have a daughter together so I have to have contact with her to see my little girl, I want to put as much distance between us as possible so I can move on but then my daughter suffers because her dad isn’t around and involved in her life, I guess I just have to let time do its thing and hope that the feelings for her die so that she just becomes my daughters mum instead of the woman i loved and would have moved mountains for.

If you institute the D proceedings, it may be that her behavior is enough to make you no longer love her.

That sweet loving person you married is not the person you D. Divorce brings out the ugliness in people sometimes. And when you have one opinion and the STBXW has another, it can get ugly.

You need to prepare yourself for what is about to come. I hope for your sake she’s not the revengeful mean type of ex who still wants to control everything and get their own way.

Sorry for your pain.

What does your lawyer say? Will you get 50/50 parental time?

We have opted to divorce amicably so no lawyers or court proceedings where we need to attend, we haven’t got any assets to split and have and because of my work and the need to travel away sometimes for long periods we haven’t set a strict childcare plan, she hasn’t restricted any time with my daughter.

The problem I’m having is still loving someone who has shat all over me and turned my world upside down, I know what she did, I know I will never want to be with her again so why can’t I just stop loving her,

Perhaps this could help: please understand the woman you think you still love, is tragically a false flag. A persona she created to fool you. You fell in love with the image, a mirage actually, she projected. You are in no way to blame for this. You’re an honest man who very understandably assumed the best in her, since you’re a good person. The key is to realized the woman you fell in love with DOES NOT EXIST. You now see the authentic version of her, now that the facade has been removed. And it’s repulsive. Focus on her true repulsiveness, and your love for the mirage will fade.

Grieve the death of the facade. Convince yourself of the truth: you are not to blame for any of this. She is 1000% to blame for her evil deceptions. You’ve been victimized, but only because she took advantage of you. You’re coming out of her fog of deception and you will emerge far stronger, and now having learned from the school of hard knocks, what to look for in your next woman.

I would also strongly advise informing your kid(s), in an age appropriate way, that your wife destroyed the marriage because she decided to have a boyfriend. Don’t say the "oh but your mother loves you, and she’s a great mom". Does a "great mom" cheat on the father of the child? Subject him to potentially deadly diseases? Directly destroy the family? No, she’s NOT a "good mom", so don’t say that to your kid(s). Just be silent about her motherhood, and her "love" for her kid(s). Let her deal with the kid relationship(s).

And please don’t for one second think I am advocating "punishment". I absolutely am not. These are the *natural consequences" of her choices, and these natural consequences also can be the best shot at causing her to reflect deeply on what she’s chosen, and just perhaps, move her to work on herself. This is a LOVING thing to do. She’s not a child, but think of your own kid(s) - is it more loving to apply consequences when a kid makes a wrong choice, or to just ignore it and let them continuing making bad choices?

[This message edited by gr8ful at 3:22 PM, Tuesday, November 26th]

I feel robbed of the chance to actually work on our marriage before throwing it away, I feel hurt that she wouldn’t even talk to me about the way that she was feeling before throwing it away and I feel so sad for my daughter who now has a part time dad and will most likely be downgrading her standard of living.

This was a big, fat, shitty pill to swallow for me too. I wanted to offer a realization that took me a long time and a lot of therapy to understand.

The reason why she seems to have very quickly given up on your marriage is because she has already given up. The nuance is this: she didn't make that choice since D-day; she gave up when she made the decision(s) to betray your relationship.

In my situation, my XWS had been checked out of our relationship for 9 months (and a narcissist for 40 years). He'd been having PAs and EAs for 5 months to feed his ego in ways I couldn't. I discovered who he was and the reality of the life I thought I was living on D-day (though I didn't comprehend until much, much later). I just knew I'd been handed a grenade and my world had blown up. I was at Day 0, and it came totally out of the blue. But he was at day 270+.

In <3 months (for me) he decided he needed to focus on his own healing and he felt "I deserved the space to heal without him and his fucked up baggage" ... in other words, he chose not to fight.

In reality it was too much work to introspect, take accountability, and try to become a better person ESPECIALLY for a narcissist. Way easier to start fresh (without me). I hadn't even emerged from the rubble of my former life.

How could he already have decided we weren't worth it? That I wasn't worth fighting for? Because he had made that decision in his flawed, selfish, ego-kibble chasing brain a whole year before he let me know he was officially throwing in the towel. And I thought things were great 90 days ago...

You have only known about the reality of the life you thought you were living since D-day. She has known since the first step she took toward infidelity, and she's known it in every step since. She decided weeks/months/years ago that your relationship was not worth protecting, that her needs were the priority. And now you're playing an impossible game of catch-up, and she orchestrated herself an unfair advantage.

If it takes time for you to digest like it did for me, be patient with yourself.

Sounds like the typical picture of a cheating wife. Truth be told sir, you may think you know her but you only know the image she crafted for you to see. This, lying, cheating, and manipulating is the real her. Her mask is off. I bet she has somewhat of a selfish side you've always seen, even if it's slight.

It’s just hard to comprehend how someone who is supposed to love you can do the worst possible thing to you, it’s the biggest knife in the back and she is really no longer the person who I thought the world of, I can understand her wanting a divorce but the cheating is just ugly and unfair.

She has shown herself to be cruel and selfish and that is how I’ll always remember her, every memory of her is now tarnished. I am still going to grey rock her because that seems to be the only thing helping me not think of her or her disgusting behaviour.

I just have to keep in mind that I am still a father and have a duty to my daughter to be a good dad and not let this ruin her upbringing, whatever i do moving forward has to be in the best interest of myself and her.

Blindsided

no lawyers or court proceedings

If you go online then all it takes is about a hours’ worth of searching, maybe an hour of reading and watching some YouTube videos and then a short visit to a chemist and you can have all you need to do remove an appendix – even your own.
Saves a bunch in cost, hassle and time.

It’s been done. A Soviet doctor stuck on some Antarctic research station had to remove his own appendix, so it definitely is possible.

Just like a divorce with no legal guidance.
It’s possible, but like cutting out your appendix you probably want some professional guidance.

I’m stating this totally with the intent of NOT making this a confrontational divorce. But when the two of you have reached an agreement then AT LEAST have that agreement vetted by a solicitor. Basically to ensure all the t’s are crossed and the I’s dotted.
What you don’t want to happen is to get a collections notice 4 years from now for that co-signed credit-card, or a tax-debt for the months you were married this year, or a backnotice for child-support because the correct words were not used on whatever agreement you make.
This is just as much to ensure her status. It’s done to ensure everything is the way you both understand it should be.

Don’t forget – if you have some insurance policies – make sure the beneficiary is your daughter, and make sure to change that as life goes on. If you remarry or have more kids you probably want to change the policy.

I know divorce can be expensive but you might want to rethink it. What happens when your wife decides to restrict time with your daughter? Will you be ok with that? You might want to get something in writing even a mediator.

Given that her AP was much younger, her self-confidence is probably sky-high right now, and she is overly optimistic about her prospects. But if she learns a hard lesson, and comes back, is that what you want?

I forgot the comedian for this:

"Do you know why your wife’s mad at you all the time? You weren’t her first choice!"

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 12:41 AM, Saturday, November 30th]

Quite the opposite actually, he’s 5 years older than her, works a low paying job and doesn’t drive or have much involvement with his own kids. I suppose "love" really is blind!

And the fact that even a scumbag like that has gone back to his partner instead of leaving her for my STBXW must leave her feeling pretty fucking awful but then again it’s what she deserves.

And the fact that even a scumbag like that has gone back to his partner instead of leaving her for my STBXW must leave her feeling pretty fucking awful but then again it’s what she deserves.

Whatever you do, PLEASE don’t accept her back, at least not immediately. Many adulterous wives have a trump card - the ability to sex-bomb their shell-shocked BH’s. Don’t fall for it, if she tries that tactic to hoover you back in. NEVER settle on being Plan B. If by chance she comes to you looking for R, now that prince charming has dumped her (happens frequently), tell her you will "give it serious thought AFTER the divorce", since you want to see how she treats you in the D. ONLY if she bends over backwards, and gives you basically everything she can legally that a judge will yet sign off on (you could also employ "side letters" - talk to an attorney), only THEN could you POSSIBLY consider R, after she gets at least demoted to girlfriend status.

Since there’s almost zero chance a selfish person like your STBXW is would do this, I wouldn’t even consider this anything more than the remotest of possibilities.

Stay strong - you’re doing well in light of the circumstances.