SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But I can’t help thinking why me why me why me all the time. It’s hell.

I remember staring up at the stars after Discovery Day (DD), thinking "Holy shit, I'm a fucking statistic. Didn't even make it to 40." I was 39 at the time. And sorry about the cussing, it's one of the changes that happened in me during the aftermath.

Why you? It's not. This wasn't directed at you. None of it was aimed at you or intended to hurt you. Wayward spouses are extremely selfish. The only thing your husband thought about you during this time was how to hide it from you.

(NOTE: Never accept "I never intended to hurt you" as a sentiment from your wayward husband. When my wife told me this, I told her "Oh, I know. You intended to soak up his flattery, take his dick, and hide it all from me. Do you expect some kind of credit for that? Do you expect me to feel better that you didn't do this to hurt me? Never say that to me again.")

In fact, the only real answer to "Why me?" in this situation is because your husband WAS NOT thinking about you and the promises he made to you. He was only chasing his own selfish desires. He never once stopped to think about the total life wreckage this would cause to you and your whole family.

And...gently: notice that he's still not. Very, very few waywards ever really hold themselves to account and make the changes needed of their own volition. A large number of them try to fake it until they can't. Your WH made it a week until his true colors flared back up.

Some here advocate for starting the divorce process and telling the wayward spouse "This is a long process, and you have until it completes to convince me to stop it." I won't tell you this tactic is right for you, but I will say this is exactly the mindset you need to be in to deal with your wayward husband. He needs to solve his problems and improve himself before he is ever worth considering building a new marriage with.

If you do want to give him the option, it's just like people say here all the time, "You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it." But again....gently...do not expect him to take that option or to choose to do the right thing. He has already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's more than capable of doing the wrong thing and going out of his way to avoid accountability for it. Wait to see what his actions prove, and make your decisions based around that. His words right now, whatever they are, are just about worthless. In the aftermath of adultery, we are infinitely tempted to grasp at when our wayward spouses say what we want to hear...and a lot of waywards know this and use it to further the deceit and sweep the problem under the rug. (Rug sweeping will only lead to the problems festering and getting way worse, you MUST deal with this now, as painful as it is.)

The only guarantee you can have in all of this is that you might do the right thing for yourself, and your children.

-Mindjob
(I picked that name because trying to deal with all this mess is a total mindjob.)

Another thought…

Before you caught him, your husband was just being an asshole. Then he became an asshole who was having an affair. He most likely just wants to go back to the status quo, of being an asshole not having an affair.

Your attitude needs to be that being an asshole is no longer good enough. He needs to change himself to being not an asshole. He needs to take this as a teachable moment and grow or the deal is off.

That’s my recommendation.

what did you mean when you said someone who hides drinking isn’t an alcoholic?

Sorry - I lost myself in negatives. I'll say it positively: if an adult hides their drinking, there's a high probability that adult is an alcoholic. IMO, 200 ml (almost) every day is a serious amount of alcohol.

HUGE life destroying step of divorce

I used to think this way too, but divorce hasn't been life destroying at all it has given me my life back. I am a better mom to my kids and my fear of a broken family... well it was already broken by my WS. You did not cause this, don't take on the blame or guilt. Sometimes the only things we have control of is ourselves.

Your WS already destroyed the M and your kids safety by putting you all in this situation. You are angry and scared (which is a par for the course with infidelity aftermath. You may be angry for years) and I'm sure your kids can feel it and the tension.

Your WS does not sound like a good candidate for R. Trust me it's scary to realize that. It took me YEARS in limbo to figure out my best course of action was to save myself.

I would see a counselor as soon as possible, maybe get on an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. You have experienced trauma and many times can develop PTSD. Yes infidelity is a trauma and can cause that. It's why I consider infidelity abuse now.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:11 PM, Tuesday, November 19th]

Arcticgirl, you are getting such good advice. Your thread is like an All-Star game with the experts dominating the line-up. Mindjob’s advice is spot on. I wish I had him on my side when I was in the whirlwind. Read his responses out loud until you have them close to memorized. Sissoon is another pro who has given you golden advice. HouseOfPlane and I have both been through military survival training but analogizing the trauma of discovering infidelity with bailing out of an airplane into unfamiliar terrain was an epiphany for me. Use his survival guide. And Bigger, there should be awards for people like him and the other pros on this site who have long ago dealt with their betrayals and stick around to help people like you and me. Thank you, all of you.

I don’t have the bona fides of the other posters but I want to try and help you. I think I can do that by helping you to focus. The stream of advice can seem like a firehose when you are trying to get a drink. In time, I think you’ll be able to internalize the advice you are getting and it will seem like everything is slowing down and you start to see your path more clearly. For right now, I suggest you follow Bigger’s advice about dealing with the alcoholism first. I do have some expertise in that area. I have alcoholism in my family and like Bigger, I worked in the justice system for many years where I had to sort out the devastation brought on by practicing drunks. I was also very fortunate to have had a very dear friend who educated me about the AA program. He died this year after 60 years of sobriety. He would tell you that he was the biggest asshole on the planet while he was drinking, and he would be right. In fact, in my experience, practicing alcoholics are among the most repellant people I had to deal with, but those who choose not to drink are among the noblest. Make no mistake, your husband is addicted to alcohol. He hits a lot of markers. He drinks large quantities. He hides it. His drinking harms himself and others. He can’t stop. His drive to get a drink is stronger than his sex drive. Bigger is right. He’ll give up the AP before the bottle. HouseOfPlane said he was an asshole before the affair. Not disputing that diagnosis, but focusing in on it. He behaves like an asshole because he is an alcoholic. And here is the key, and the reason I thought I could be helpful, until he stops drinking, he is not husband or father material. So, as you triage the avalanche of problems, put dealing with his addiction first. Go to an Alanon meeting. You will need help getting him to quit. See a lawyer or two or three. Do not stay married to a practicing alcoholic. Hell, you don’t even know who he is until he sobers up. I bet that the guy you married was nothing like the asshole you are with now. Jekyll and Hyde. I used to bring my clients who had gotten themselves in trouble to my old non-practicing alcoholic friend. Alcoholics need to hear it from a fellow drunk. He’d tell them they needed to get into AA and attend 60 meetings in 60 days, just as a start. Once H is detoxed, you’ll see the real H, then you can decide whether to reconcile. Until then, you are rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Take your time, but get going. The survival step about celebrating an accomplishment is vital. Know that you are normal and that you have friends here.