SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

Really looking for something to shift or change in my house.

I found out 8 weeks ago. Husband was remorseful for 1 week and now furious and says he wants a divorce any time I bring it up.

In my gut I want to fight for my marriage and our 2 children. But right now I want to kill him every day. My therapist says I need to shelve my anger for now and mend the marriage, and THEN we will deal with the infidelity.

Please. How to handle my anger? I want to cry and scream every day. I don’t want to scare the kids.

Help.

P. S I should add that I would call him a functioning alcoholic. He denies. I’m fairly confident he drinks 200ml vodka (chugs the little bottle) every day when he comes home from work) he hides it. I just find bottles.

Anyways. She says while he is actively drinking there is not much I can do.

[This message edited by Arcticgirl at 6:04 PM, Sunday, November 17th]

A great thing I read one time is that anger is a response to a loss of control. It is a way of regaining control.

So ask yourself the questions what control have I lost and what control do I want to regain then ask yourself if what you’re trying to regain is realistic? In particular if you’re trying to control him…

Right now, you don’t have a marriage, you have the dysfunctional relationship. He has checked out of the marriage clearly. Since you can’t control what another person does, but you want to, you certainly have good reason to be angry, on top of all the other reasons.

One solution to the immediate problem is to in fact, take control. Take control of all of the things that you can control, such as seeing a lawyer, seeing a therapist progressing towards a divorce since he has already left the relationship, etc.. You can take care of yourself and you can take care of your kids. You can stop engaging with him since that is a waste of time as you move to acknowledge the relationship that you are actually in and not the one you want to be in. The time may come when he comes around. But don’t wait for it because you don’t control that.

Control control control… Take control.

Sending strength!

Thank you so much for this response. But I have a follow up question.
I want to save the marriage. I want to work through it in therapy and save our family. U read about people getting through infidelity and having a strong marriage on the other side of it.

Is that not an option or possibility? Because you said in your response that he wants out. I’m confused. Is that for sure? Then how do people save their marriage?

Help

I found out 8 weeks ago. Husband was remorseful for 1 week and now furious and says he wants a divorce any time I bring it up.

It sounds like you need to figure out if this was an exit affair, or if he is just trying to deflect blame, and if he really wants to R with you. If you think he does, then coming up with what that looks like and what your needs are is a good idea.

My therapist says I need to shelve my anger for now and mend the marriage, and THEN we will deal with the infidelity.

This seems backwards to me. The marriage is not the issue. A spouse with healthy communication skills should be able to work on whatever is going on in the marriage.

Please. How to handle my anger? I want to cry and scream every day. I don’t want to scare the kids.

For me I created a playlist of angry songs and listened to them while I worked out at the gym. That helped get a lot of the initial angry energy out. Also I would find places I could cry alone so I wouldn't cause the kids issues. I would drive to an empty parking lot, or stay up late, or take a long shower, etc. The emotions need to come out somehow.

Thank you for your answer. I feel too scared to have the conversation with him about whether he wants to exit the marriage or save the marriage. Like I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants. Or he is scared. Or he is drunk.

I’m so confused. And I just feel like I am in CONSTANT pain and agony. I don’t know up from down. Just focused on my 9 and 11 year old every minute of the day to hold myself together.

I go to individual therapy once a week. I go to couples therapy once a week too but he quit that 2 weeks ago - but I hope he will return to couples therapy.

Please help. I feel in major crisis.

Thank you so much for this response. But I have a follow up question.
I want to save the marriage. I want to work through it in therapy and save our family. U read about people getting through infidelity and having a strong marriage on the other side of it.

Is that not an option or possibility? Because you said in your response that he wants out. I’m confused. Is that for sure? Then how do people save their marriage?

A recurrent theme here is that to save the marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.

Another common idea is that it takes two people to save a marriage, but only one to destroy it.

You alone cannot save the marriage. There’s even a good chance that if the both of you are committed, you can’t save the marriage. It is that bad.

You don’t have a marriage right now, because of proper marriage has two adults that listen to each other, express their concerns respectfully, and are committed to the marriage. He’s not doing that right now, what he’s doing is dysfunctional within a legal relationship.

You are essentially asking for advice from us on how to change him, to make him a better partner so you can try to save the marriage. He is probably in that state where he’d rather sustain the current state of your marriage, then to look inward and see what a POS he is. If you will allow him to he’ll probably be relatively happy with the status quo.

My recommendation is don’t except the current state of your relationship. Acknowledge that you can’t control him, that what he is currently doing is unacceptable, and look to take care of yourself and your kids. Knowledge is power and power is control, so go see a lawyer and get knowledgeable, understand all of your rights, and take actions to protect yourself.

You won’t be doing these things to manipulate or influence him you’ll be doing them to protect yourself. But…..That can exactly be the action needed to shock him back into reality and make him understand what he’s about to lose.

Thank you so much for this message.

I think this is advice I need. But I can literally feel my chest shaking as I read it. I am so so SO scared of destroying my life and my children’s lives.
Everything you said rings true.

But I don’t know how to "shock him" into realizing he might lose everything. And not shock the kids at the same time.

I am so unstable. I can’t even really talk to him without crying. Or screaming.

Are there any baby steps I could take? Manageable steps? I feel like every step I read about is too huge a jump for me.

I’m terrified.

Affair aside, if he is an alcoholic, and unwilling to get that under control, please don't stay with him. Join an alanon group, read books about alcoholics. You absolutely cannot fix your marriage or any of the problems within it while he is actively drinking.

His alcoholism is hurting your children even if you don't know it. (I lived this life growing up)

It doesn't matter if he isn't violent or drinking in front of the kids. I lived that life.

Alcoholics are inherently selfish and the cheating will happen again unless he fixes what's broken within him.

You can't make him fix this, only he can.

Do you want this story to keep repeating for the next twenty years?

I hear what you are saying.

So what do I do? Please. What baby steps can I take?

I feel like the only step I can take is this HUGE life destroying step of divorce.

Is there nothing in between?

Please help

Thank you for your answer. I feel too scared to have the conversation with him about whether he wants to exit the marriage or save the marriage. Like I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants. Or he is scared. Or he is drunk.

I’m so confused. And I just feel like I am in CONSTANT pain and agony. I don’t know up from down. Just focused on my 9 and 11 year old every minute of the day to hold myself together.

I go to individual therapy once a week. I go to couples therapy once a week too but he quit that 2 weeks ago - but I hope he will return to couples therapy.

Please help. I feel in major crisis.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is really horrible. The thing I like about SI is many of us can understand what you are going through better than most other forums. I know for me, the affair was literally on my mind whenever my brain had a free second. I ate about half of what I usually eat for the first month. I was only able to sleep for 3-4 hours on a good night.

I remember we wen't camping about a month after, and I was stressed the entire time until I had to drive a winding canyon. Then suddenly the affair disappeared because I literally couldn't focus on anything else or we would careen off the canyon road and die. I drove that canyon twice just to get some relief for a short time. I don't recommend that method though.

I agree that education is a good first step here. On the just found out forum there are some pinned posts that are really good. Theres also the healing library.

I recommend reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" By Linda J. MacDonald
Also "The courage to stay" by Kathy Nickerson is really good as well.

Are there any baby steps I could take? Manageable steps?

Sure

Get out the phone book and look up lawyers. There are lawyers that advertise every kind of practice, including divorce. Then call a few, asking for a free consultation. Learn what your options are. This isn’t a commitment to divorce, that is a long, long road. It is a commitment to meet your responsibility to yourself.

Tomorrow is Monday. Call a few.

What do I even ask?

I fee like calling a lawyer is a nail in the coffin.

Feels terrifying.

Do I say he cheated and I don’t know if our relationship will survive. What do I do?

I don’t even know what to ask. And I don’t know how to talk without crying.

I don’t have the strength for this. It just feels like preparing for divorce. Not trying to save the marriage.

I’m so scared and sad.

Having a consultation with a few lawyers isn’t a commitment to divorce. It’s removing an unknown piece of information from your life, which will relieve some anxiety.

Arcticgirl,

Sorry you are here. There is nothing you can do to change your WH. He has to do that on his own. Your next steps should focus on you and your children.

Please take care of yourself. The heightened state you are in is normal. If you stay in it too long it will take its toll on you physically, mentally and emotionally. It will also affect your children.

Meeting with a lawyer will help you understand the specifics for where you live. Separation, divorce, finances and parenting (and its responsibilities) should all be discussed with multiple attorneys. This meeting is you interviewing them so visit a few and keep notes about what you liked (and did not like) as well as what you learned from each one.

Take small steps if you need to right now.

Do you have your own bank account? If not get one.

Look for a local alanon group, or one online and set up your first meeting.

Make a list of pros and cons for staying or leaving.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Eat healthy food, drink water, go for a walk.

Do you currently work outside the home?

Sorry you're here. I'm going to re-frame some of the things you've said. I'm not doing it to be disrespectful or tell you you're wrong, but rather trying to show you what got me through this particular phase.

I want to save the marriage.

I'm terribly sorry, but the marriage is dead. He killed it, and it will never return. You must take the time to mourn its loss. We use the term "reconciliation" but that's not really what is happening. You're building an entirely new marriage, and it has to be built in total truth and authenticity, with the man who is deserving of that new marriage and willing to do build it. And he is the one who has to demonstrate he's willing to do so, this is never something you can work on by yourself. Your responsibility is to make an environment that is safe for you and your children, whether or not he decides to join you in that work. You might really, really want him to step up and join you in that work, but ultimately your healthiest option is to be honest with and accept what it is that is choosing to do.

My therapist says I need to shelve my anger for now and mend the marriage, and THEN we will deal with the infidelity.

Therapists (generally) don't know anything at all about overcoming infidelity, and this demonstrates it. See the above point, there is no marriage to repair. You have to focus on yourself and your children right now, and that's exactly what you should do.

How to handle my anger? I want to cry and scream every day. I don’t want to scare the kids.

You scream and cry every day. Do it away from the kids in the car. Schedule some time for it. I'm serious. I used to use a wooden sword to beat a pile of trimmed branches. Just remember to not physically injure yourself or anyone else.

I should add that I would call him a functioning alcoholic.

This is another reason (along with the drunken physical abuse) that therapists don't handle infidelity correctly. There's no way you should be building a new marriage with a HFA who has demonstrated physical abuse. That's one of the things that he needs to SOLVE (past tense) before start building your new marriage, if that's even what you decide to do (which you shouldn't even be considering at this point).

I hope he will return to couples therapy.

Couple's therapy is a waste of time in the aftermath of infidelity. You won't even get an impartial referee, and the wayward spouse (WS) is usually just wheeling around looking for some way to lay blame on you (which you must never accept for any reason whatsoever) and get the referee to agree with part of it. He really is going to have to remake himself and put in the work before being a candidate for building a new marriage and being a safe partner to help navigate the turbulent new waters he threw you into. Hell, you shouldn't even consider building a new marriage without recovering and figuring new self out, first (for instance, I told my wayward wife I had to finish paying interest on the loan she took out).

Husband was remorseful for 1 week and now furious and says he wants a divorce any time I bring it up.

He's mad he got caught and doesn't want to face the ugly truth that he betrayed his marriage vows. He's already demonstrated that he avoids accountability and reality itself through alcohol, and unless he's looking for attorneys (bet he's not), and if he's still trying to come home, well, he's just trying to scare you with the divorce talk because he knows you don't want it. Remember: the marriage is already dead, and he killed it, not you. You have already lost it. It's hard, I know, so hard and painful that most of us will grasp at any semblance of hope that what we had is not lost. It really is lost. Mourn its passing. You can build a new relationship based on truth and authenticity later, after you have both figured out how to do so (if he ever even tries). I recommend calling some attorneys, like many others have suggested. You can always cancel the divorce proceedings right up until the final gavel falls. If he doesn't want to fight for you, you, with whom he has broken his contract and sacred vows taken before GOD...well in that case he just demonstrated he's unworthy of you, anyway.

I’m so confused. And I just feel like I am in CONSTANT pain and agony.

Your pain and agony is right and proper for you to feel, because what was done to you and your whole life is WRONG and there's NOTHING YOU EVER DID TO DESERVE IT. As unpleasant as it is, as much as our brains shy away from feeling it, please understand that what you are feeling is NOT weakness, it's injury. It is your heart and soul bleeding from the wounds he inflicted on you. Give them their time on the stage. It is permissible for you to feel this way about what he did to you until the end of time itself, because it will NEVER BE OKAY that he did this to you. Time, understanding, and integration are the only things that will ever dull the sharpness of this pain, and as weird as it sounds, you should never try to avoid feeling that pain and agony.

I'm glad you used the word "confused." That's exactly what you should be feeling right now. Your husband broke his vows. So many people (like me) felt "stupid" afterwords for "not seeing it." None of us are stupid for not seeing it, we were deceived. Victims of deceit are often confused because they have to navigate sudden and stormy treacherous waters, all while supporting our dependents, all while trying to figure out how to grieve, and all the while looking for answers from a harsh, uncaring, unstopping world that doesn't know how to handle it, either. Be confused. But be fair to yourself. Step slowly through this maelstrom and think about every step along the way. And if you fall in and swirl around, that's ok too. It will take you a long time to figure out how to sail in this shitstorm and you have permission to take as much time as you need to do so.

U read about people getting through infidelity and having a strong marriage on the other side of it.

You'll read several stories on here just like that. Every one of these beacons of hope had a wayward spouse who was willing to change and grow into a person more worthy of being in a marriage with. You'll have to decide if you're currently working with such an individual (spoilers: I doubt it). Things might change in the future if he gets the wake up call.

Also several stories where the wayward spouse got a wake up call, put in the work, wanted to reconcile, but the betrayed divorced them and walked away.

Also some where the wayward spouse just left.

It's best that you don't strive for any of these, at this point. Just accept that any of them might happen to you, and ultimately you only control yourself in this situation.

In my gut I want to fight for my marriage and our 2 children.

I'm just going to re-write this for you. "I want our 2 children to grow up in a healthy, stable family with a good father that supports and provides that stability and health, and I want you to be that man. You're not that man right now. I hope you can prove otherwise in the months and years to come. But understand, I will not have these innocent lives subjected to a toxic,unstable, harmful situation. Understand that I want you to be that for them, but you also need to understand that I won't accept anything less than that stability and health for them."

Then it's his responsibility to improve. Don't do ANY of the work for him, you have to figure out yourself.

I feel like the only step I can take is this HUGE life destroying step of divorce.

Is there nothing in between?

I am so unstable. I can’t even really talk to him without crying. Or screaming.

Check out the "180" in the Healing Library. It's a great intermediary step to gain space to heal yourself and assess your situation and your wayward husband's behaviors before making any decisions.

This will also help you step back from interacting with him.

Do not expect a sense of justice, stability, or goodwill from someone who so utterly betrayed all of those things behind your back and isn't even repentant now. Do not ask permission from him on how to handle ANY aspect of all the problems he dumped on your shoulders.

You have to find these things in yourself, and you will likely find understanding souls here on Surviving Infidelity. Those were the only places I found it, even my (former) church friends were utterly unhelpful.

Do I say he cheated and I don’t know if our relationship will survive. What do I do?

Say he cheated and I don't know if our relationship will survive.

And I don’t know how to talk without crying.

Talk while crying.

I don’t have the strength for this.

None of us, not one of any of us had the strength for this. I'm telling you this as a manly man that got busted down to nubs and ribbons in the wake of my FWW's adultery with a church friend that I'd known longer than her. I describe it as being killed. My old self died, and she's the one that killed me. That's honestly the only way I can really describe what happened. There's no "strength" that survives that.

The real strength is what you re-grow into afterwords. You have to understand and accept that the new person you grow into is going to be different, and maybe some aspects are darker than the old person, and that's ok, too. The new you will be built out of the decisions you make, the wisdom you learn, the scars from your stab wounds, and the repurposed ashes of your old life.

But all that is way in the future. You don't have to think about that right now, and you honestly shouldn't. Just grieve for what you have lost and focus on making good day to day decisions, like getting enough water, sleep, and good food, and making sure your children are cared for as well. Take all the time you need to make the longer term decisions for yourself, and if your wayward husband doesn't give you that time, well...then he's decided already, himself.

Speaking of your children, you shouldn't ever try to use your children as counselors, just give them an age-appropriate general explanation of what's going on and reassure them that you're handling the situation as best as you can. It might be tempting to cry with your children, but what they need most is stability. Since your wayward husband is directly eschewing that responsibility right now, it's going to have to come from you. It's not fair, and it's brutal, but accept that it's yet another harm that he's inflicted on you...and them.

Sorry about the novel, but hopefully some of it helps. Please also keep in mind that nothing I or anyone else here writes is gospel truth or even necessarily applies to you directly. The only way out is through. Take whatever helps you and leave the rest. It might feel like you're all alone as the whole world burns down around you, but there are hundreds of people here who have gone through just what you are now. I won't tell you to take heart or have hope, because right now you probably don't even know what those things really mean, anymore. What I can tell you is that you WILL make it through this - we all did, and you will, too.

God bless,

-M

ArcticGirl, that was a great post by MindJob. Take it to heart.

This is from my profile…

I read the book "Deep Survival" some years ago, where it talked about how people survive catastrophes like plane crashes or getting lost. I immediately saw the parallels to discovering infidelity, where you find yourself instantly lost in a hostile emotional landscape every bit as stressful (though maybe not quite as life-threatening) as getting dropped into a jungle. So here's the 12 points, and they are generally valid:

1. Perceive and Believe
Don’t fall into the deadly trap of denial or of immobilizing fear. Admit it: You’re really in trouble and you’re going to have to get yourself out.

2. Stay Calm – Use Your Anger
In the initial crisis, survivors are not ruled by fear; instead, they make use of it. Their fear often feels like (and turns into) anger, which motivates them and makes them feel sharper.

3. Think, Analyze, and Plan
Survivors quickly organize, set up routines, and institute discipline.

4. Take Correct, Decisive Action
Survivors are willing to take risks to save themselves and others. But they are simultaneously bold and cautious in what they will do.

5. Celebrate your success
Survivors take great joy from even their smallest successes. This helps keep motivation high and prevents a lethal plunge into hopelessness. It also provides relief from the unspeakable strain of a life-threatening situation.

6. Be a Rescuer, Not a Victim
Survivors are always doing what they do for someone else, even if that someone is thousands of miles away. There are numerous strategies for doing this.

7. Enjoy the Survival Journey
It may seem counterintuitive, but even in the worst circumstances, survivors find something to enjoy, some way to play and laugh.

8. See the Beauty
Survivors are attuned to the wonder of their world, especially in the face of mortal danger. The appreciation of beauty, the feeling of awe, opens the senses to the environment.

9. Believe That You Will Succeed
It is at this point, following what I call "the vision," that the survivor’s will to live becomes firmly fixed.

10. Surrender
Yes you might die. In fact, you will die — we all do. But perhaps it doesn’t have to be today. Don’t let it worry you. Forget about rescue. Everything you need is inside you already.

11. Do Whatever Is Necessary
Survivors have a reason to live and are willing to bet everything on themselves. They have what psychologists call meta-knowledge: They know their abilities and do not over or underestimate them. They believe that anything is possible and act accordingly.

12. Never Give Up
Survivors are not easily discouraged by setbacks. They accept that the environment is constantly changing and know that they must adapt. When they fall, they pick themselves up and start the entire process over again, breaking it down into manageable bits.

Let me begin with stating that I am not an alcoholic, but I have a lot of experience in dealing with alcoholism and it’s consequences.

For one, I don’t agree with the term "functioning" alcoholic. It’s like calling a driver a "safe" driver because he can keep a relatively straight line and drives within the speed-limit – only he’s headed towards a brick wall. I guess he’s "safe" all until he inevitably slams into that wall...

Either you are an alcoholic or not. Even if you can hold on to a daily job and do the dishes... if you need to drink to feel fine, and do so regularly, and that drinking is impeding "normal" behaviors and relationships... you are an alcoholic.

--

We tend to think alcoholics are only those that drink all day and every day. I prefer the definition that goes somehow like that if you drink despite your drinking causing issues to both you and others and you know of it – you are an alcoholic.

--

I think that it’s not truly possible to reconcile with an active alcoholic. Active? That’s one that hasn’t stopped. A recovering alcoholic is one that has been sober from some time, and they might progress to a recovered alcoholic. Strange thing is that the recovered alcoholics never consider themselves "recovered". They realize that all it takes is one strong urge and one sip. All that extended sobriety might give them is a quicker path back to sobriety, but it’s still the same road.

The alcoholic will put his next fix in first place... It’s there before the family, the kids, the spouse, the bills, the mortgage, the utilities... This is why I have stopped drunk parents with their kids from daycare in the vehicle. Why parents spend their cash on the next fix rather than the next meal. Why I have been in homes where the parent is passed out, and the babies crying in the crib.

Doesn’t have to be that dire... If your husband is drinking into the evening, knowing that at seven next morning he has to drive his kid to baseball training... he’s taking a risk.

--

Your husband had an affair. He drinks daily. When you mention the affair, he threatens divorce. How does he respond when you mention sobriety?

Have you addressed the alcoholism?

I have a theory – based on lots of years here on SI – that an alcoholic might have an affair to DIVERT attention from the drinking. I have a theory that if you were to press the alcoholism angle, he would pull up the infidelity-card. He might even threaten to go to her because she allows him to be "who he really is".

--

So what to do?

IMHO you need to realize that the affair is actually secondary.

If your husband was faithful from now to eternity but still drinking... You would be in the passenger seat of that car heading for the inevitable wall.

I think you need to remove his threat. He doesn’t get to threaten divorce. You don’t even threaten divorce. You tell him that until he gets some control of his drinking – for example by committing to AA and sobriety for 6 months – there isn’t anything for you to "save". Divorce isn’t a threat – it’s an inevitable consequence based on decisions made – his decision to drink – your decision that active alcoholism will inevitably have you crashing into a wall. Might as well get off the ride now.

It's a process. Nothing happens instantaneously. You could ask him to go to couples therapy with you again to address some fundamental issues. No – not the affair.

There – in that safe environment – you tell him that his threats of divorce make you understand where his priorities lie, and that you would rather accept it’s over and get it done with rather than wait and allow him to sink deeper into his addiction. That he has a choice between sobriety or you moving further and faster away.

This isn’t a threat. You don’t just say this and hope he sobers up. But you don’t have to file today or tomorrow. You start right away learning and understanding the process, and you gradually move along on your path. If he responds positively you can slow down. But you always move on... His actions can impact the pace – but you are the one that decides if he’s done enough or not.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:57 PM, Monday, November 18th]

At 8 weeks out from d-day, you're likely to still be in shock. Being betrayed is traumatic. You're a soup of every feeling possible. You're head goes in circles thinking about your self, your kids, your WS, your feelings, every other trauma you've ever experienced, fear of the future, your weaknesses ... so what you're feeling is probably similar to what most BSes are feeling 8 weeks out.

The feelings of anger, grief, fear, and shame are probably stronger than usual because your WS threatens D if you bring up his A or his alcoholism (I can't help thinking a person who hides drinking is not an alcoholic).

Your therapist's recommendation puts another burden on you. Your anger is normal. Your cauldron of feelings is normal. But you have your feelings; they don't have you. You can cry, shout, cower in a corner for some time and still take care of yourself and your kids. They're just feelings.

Your therapist's reco to work on your M before the A is unrealistic. The A is like a gunshot to vital organs. Your M is your environment. The immediate wound needs immediate responses. My W got us time with her IC on d-day; her IC quickly became our MC by addressing the A 1st. Our sessions were all A until I no longer needed to talk about the A - and we went back to the A after that when I wanted to talk about it.

A first. Then the rest of your life, but ... you can't work on your M without your H's cooperation, and he threatens D. IMO, your therapist focus should be on your healing as well as your response to your H's A and alcoholism.

You seem to write more about fear than anger, and I think that's a bigger problem than anger. You may be able to reduce your fear by reading https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/.

Give yourself some time, maybe a few more days, maybe a few more weeks, for calming down, getting grounded again, and starting to see reality for what it is again. IOW, follow the path House of Plane relates in his post on survival. This is not an emergency, though, even though it feels like it is. Your resolution will impact decades of your life; It's worth taking the time you need to make decisions.

It's good that you know you want to R. Another step is realizing you can live a good life and give a good life to your kids even if you D. Yet another is to realize you can't R unless 1) your H stops drinking and 2) decides to change from cheater to good partner.

One of the best things I read when I was a new WS was: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. I actually printed it, excised the references to SI, and asked my W to read it.

Let's go back to basics:

I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:

1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of one or more of grief, anger, fear, shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.

2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.

3) Together you build a new M.

This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R. You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making 'survive and thrive' your primary goal and R your stretch goal.

Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.

I think there are a number of keys ingredients to R.

First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself - both R & D are morally good responses to being betrayed. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but it's difficult even when you want it.

I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your WS will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners. Be careful to avoid MCs who don't deal with the A first. An MC who starts off trying to identify systemic problems probably won't help. You need someone who will help resolve the trauma before going into systemic problems.

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being whose worth is equal to your own, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.

2) Again, one of your requirements needs to be getting treatment for abuse.

3) Yes, some of us build strong Ms after being betrayed. Some of us do so with our former WSes; others with new partners. But you can't save your family alone - it takes 2.

4) How does talking to a family law attorney nail a coffin shut any more than threatening D if you want to talk about it? Your H can file any day now. Protect yourself and your kids by finding out your rights, duties, and options.

5) Be kind to yourself. Have faith in yourself to heal.

Thank you so much for this.

Curious, what did you mean when you said someone who hides drinking isn’t an alcoholic? Like he hides all the vodka bottles in the trash can in the garage. Are you saying if he was a worse alcoholic he wouldn’t bother to hide the bottles? Just curious what you meant.

I’m really struggling with the day to day. I like the survival list your referenced. Like surviving a plane crash. But I can’t help thinking why me why me why me all the time. It’s hell.