SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gently, pushing you to the ground is violence.

The form of violence - whether he hits you or shoves you or grabs you by the hair - doesn't matter.

Think of it this way: if your best girlfriend or your sister came to you and said "my husband got angry with me and shoved me to the ground," would you make excuses for him? Or urge your friend / sister to leave?

You need to be out of the environment to stop the cycle and begin the healing process. Same for your kids, they need to be out of the abuse environment. You want to focus on getting out of abuse, not spinning through why or trying to qualify the abuse. Child services have already been involved and there has been a finding. This means new involvements will view YOU through a different lens than the first time. You need to focus on taking proper actions before eyes fall on you for failure to protect.

I was you at one time. Believing my xWS every time he said he would change. I would believe the changes until he acted like his abusive manipulative self again. You will be stuck in this cycle until you leave unfortunately. Your reaction to him is to his continued wayward behavior and emotional abuse. I acted out in ways I didn't even recognize myself anymore. You have to detach and you have to stop caring about him and his needs. Just focus on yourself. Stop feeding him and doing his laundry. Tell him you want to leave and you are not putting any more effort into the M. Stay in house separated, sleep in separate rooms and live as roommates until you can leave. It's the only way to save yourself and your sanity.

When I left I was finally at peace, I found myself again, there were no more ups and down with me reacting badly and then beating myself up about it. Life became NORMAL and peaceful. Please for your sake, safety and sanity find a way to leave him. I'm sorry but it is the only way out of this cycle. If I could do it you can do it. Believe in yourself. Reach out to friends and family and tell them your situation and if you can lean on them for support. Is there a way to move back with your parents until you can get on your feet again? There are also women's shelters that will house you and feed you your kids temporarily. Then they help you transition to a life in which you can live on your own with your kids.

Simple question, what would you do if he was no longer in your life? Would you breathe a sigh of relief or yearn for more chaos? It really is that simple. Everyone on here recognizes you are the hamster in the spinning wheel getting nowhere, but all you need to do is step off. But you won’t. We can’t change one thing in your life.

LemonPie, I've read every one of your threads, even the ones I didn't respond to. Your husband has been violent toward you and the children. He's restricted your access to money and threatened to take away your vehicle. You are isolated geographically from your family, and he's shamed you for confiding in them about your situation, so you rarely (if ever) reach out to them for support.

I don't have enough hours in the day to go through all your posts on your own threads and others' threads to prove my case. There would be no point to doing so, anyway, since you're committed to being in denial about your own lived experience. You've made it clear now that, even when you come asking for advice, you really just want to vent about your situation. You're not ready to do anything about it... and that's your prerogative.

But as someone who grew up in an abusive household, was terrorized by my mother's husband, watched her live in denial about what was happening to her and to me, and went through the cycles abuse (including the calm, happy times before "the storm"), I know what your kids are going through and I can't emotionally distance myself from their situation to serve as your release valve.

Lemmon
All we have is what you share, and based on what you share your husband has consistently shown addictive behaviors, as well as abusive behaviors.

On the drinking: I have a theory that you have two kinds of people that have drinking issues. Those with an unhealthy drinking pattern, and those that are biologically and/or psychologically alcoholic.
I was the former type – the type that falls into a pattern of use that isn’t healthy or sustainable, but can be quite easily changed. At a young age, I realized that I was having a beer with my friends after practice on Tuesdays, went out for a couple after practice on Thursdays, again to a bar with friends on Fridays, had a couple after games or while watching a game on Saturdays, followed by a night out, and again some beers on Sunday watching a game. One day I somehow managed to understand how stupid this was. Basically went sober for some months but have since been able to drink without it ever being an issue. I have never experienced an overwhelming urge or need for alcohol, but I do enjoy a cold beer or a good gin.

Then there is the alcoholic. That screaming need/urge ensures that my decision to go cold-turkey will seldom if ever work for him. They can’t do a "course", unless that course is detox. They need a long-term program, and to-date the best one I can think of is AA. In a typical AA meeting you will have members ranging from one day sober to several decades sober. It’s more a lifestyle than a course. That lifestyle is learning how to live with their addiction while not feeding it. Something that probably only a fellow alcoholic might understand. I know I don’t do so fully. They don’t enjoy a cold beer or good gin – they NEED it.

You say he took an alcohol course... My life has been heavily impacted by people dealing with addiction. Some have managed to live with their addiction in a controlled manner (i.e. have attained long-term sobriety), some are still active (i.e. either use regularly or take benders) and some have taken the ultimate "cure" and passed away from alcohol/drug related issues. These range from overdoses to accidents related to being inebriated.

Not a single one of them took a "course". As in twice a week, sit in a classroom and listen to lectures sort of course. None of them has ever gotten a certificate for finishing a course. At best they get sobriety buttons from AA for 30 days, 100 days and so on. My best sober friend who has been sober for over three decades still talks about how he needs to remind himself about his sobriety.

At best, your husbands course could have set him off on the path of recovery. But a single course with a start and end date wont keep him there...

His actions regarding the former AP also indicate addictive behavior. We often compare infidelity to an addiction. That comparison only goes so far, but what he is doing indicates he’s addicted to whatever kick poking at her gives him.
It’s "innocent" and all that – again it’s like an alcoholic maintaining that the single beer he had with lunch doesn’t mean he’s off the wagon.
Our experience here shows that while there is any form of contact the affair is still alive. My experience and the common perception of those dealing with alcoholism is that while there is consumption there is still active alcoholism.

I guess what I’m trying to get across is that although he took a course then if that’s all, chances are he has a bottle at the office, or stops on the way home for a beer, or has one hidden in the garage. He’s not planning sobriety, but rather his next drink. He thinks he can hide it and that it’s all innocent – sort of like the ongoing contact. Chances are he can...for now.

Regarding the sexual harassment issue.
It’s not any less serious in the UK or Europe. The big difference is that in the USA the company can be held liable and sued if they can be shown to be aware of the situation and/or not done anything about it. Plus, the employee has a strong case for wrongful dismissal if fired. The threat of litigation is less in UK/Europe, but can cost all sorts of certification, union, and reputation-issues that companies want to avoid. Bottom line is that it’s bad business.