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@InkHulk, I have to ask: What is the endgame in all of this?

I mean, if you and your WW are really in IHS, then your household cannot be a very happy place not only for you but also your kids (I am guessing). And...the longer this goes on, the more your kids are likely to have hope that this can be salvaged. How much longer are you all gonna be subjected to this.

I know my saying 'just pull the bandaid off' sounds a bit insensitive, but yeah...I'm gonna be a bit insensitive.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:37 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

Rather insensitive. Even less helpful.

The good news is there is a very simple solution for you if you tire of me. We can even call it no fault, irreconcilable differences and all that.

I cannot look to my faith community for real support in this because of "unmet needs" bullshit like this and cheap grace theology mucking up dealing with reality

Truly sad to hear that Ink. Both of those things are false and damaging. Personally I wouldn’t tolerate a church that preached cheap grace. You may not have other options where you live but if you do, perhaps consider a new church home.

Rather insensitive. Even less helpful.

I am sorry. The question was asked with the best of intentions.

I am sorry. The question was asked with the best of intentions.

I believe you. I will not be pressured or rushed on this decision.

Thank you for that. I am going to keep supporting you, but going forward I don't plan on posting in your threads nearly so much. Not out of a lack of support or anything, but I understand that RE IHS after an R attempt you really wanted, you are going through waters I have not navigated. So if you don't see my name pop up I trust you won't see it the wrong way!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:03 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

I think it was an excellent question.

Do you have a time frame? Or are you planning on remaining in this limbo forever?

It's possible to give those questions some consideration, and not feel rushed or pressured. You don't have to have an answer. The answer isn't even necessary. But it would be good for you to consider how long you're willing to wait on her to find the motivation to do what she should..and needs to be doing to heal herself, and this marriage. If the answer is..until you're ready, that's fine. That's perfect. But if it's indefinite, you need to realize she knows that, and knows she has an infinite amount of time to flounder. I honestly believe,based in what you have told us, throughout your entire time here, that she doesn't think you may eventually get tired of this Bullshit, and file. I don't think she believes that will ever happen.

She's not at all motivated. Because you know how she can get things done,and make things happen, when she really has the desire to. If she wanted to..she would. She's not.

Genuinely, what is it you want or need her to be doing that she's not? And she knows these are the things you need from her? I imagine you've been quite clear. Assuming you have, and she's not doing it, then what are you waiting for? She's made her decision. You're prolonging yours.

You do what is best for you. Even if it's the hardest thing you will ever do.

When someone says that they are currently in IHS, I assume that this means that reconciliation is over and divorce has been filed; the only reason the couple is living together is because they are legally required to for a certain amount of time and/or can't have separate households until the divorce is final.

Therefore, I'm not quite sure what you mean by IHS, InkHulk. Have you filed for divorce but you're giving her the opportunity to turn things around before it's finalized?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:36 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

You guys have seen how fast this has turned for me, going in a months time from really thinking I’d make a solid R to now. This feels like whiplash to me, and my heart and mind are trying to catch up. I’m going to make this decision on my own time. I’m not going to look back in 5 years and have even a hint of a thought that I acted because I felt pressure from people I’ve never met (please don’t take that as an insult, but that is real). This is going to be fully my decision, made on my own time. I’ll disappear from here if that can’t be respected.
What am I doing with IHS? As I’ve stated, I’m taking space I desperately needed to stay sane and figure out what I want, and I’m giving her a possible window to work on herself and change course. That was the idea when I started it, that is still the idea. If I figure out that what I want is to be done, then I will be done.

IH, my husband and I had periods of IHS as well. They typically didn’t last long, but they were desperately needed and helpful. I’ve always considered IHS as a cooling off place, never an absokute start to divorce. He was good about giving me the space I needed. However, it left him no opportunities to show me love and rebuild. He respected that I wasn’t receptive to it at the time. I read so many bashing your wife and it makes me sad. Yes, she made horrible choices and hurt you beyond measure, but she is still a human, loved by God, her children, and I suspect even you. I can’t imagine reading other people’s negative opinions on a woman they’ve never met and encouraging a quick divorce is helpful at all. Even when I was at my lowest and seriously contemplating divorce I absolutely hated hearing people disparage a man they’d never met. Divorced or reconciled she is still the woman you loved and the mother of your children. Just know many of us realize that and the decision you make will not only affect you, but other precious hearts as well. I respect that you aren’t taking it lightly.

Your threads are always long, IH, because you have a thoughtful approach that's always intriguing (and frustrating to some) and you're resolute in taking what you need and leaving the rest. I respect that. Because the threads are so long, it's easy to lose the plot on why you're doing what you're doing, and where you are in your thought process. The information is there, though. I just skimmed, and I get it.

I agree with OTOSOH. IHS can mean/be whatever you want it to mean or be. It can be "give me some space and let me think" or it can be "I'm done with you, but I can't leave or I'll lose my ass." I also agree that it's tough to read the negative assumptions.

You keep on doing you. You're good at it.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:50 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

Ink..I don't want my post to sound as if I'm pressuring you. I apologize if it came off that way. As I said, you should absolutely only move in any direction, when you are ready. At the same time, it's not good for you to remain in limbo indefinitely. You know that. Your heart and mind will eventually get there. As always, you have my support.

T/j...there is an excellent example of someone being passive aggressive in this thread, above..Good Lord..

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:25 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

I think that many people here read your words and relieve our various situations. We overlap your pain and experience with our own. This is true for me and I assume it’s true for most of us. I admit that I have tried to "pressure" you. You see in my case I did the pick me dance for a while and like everyone I have read this got me nowhere. It wasn’t until I filed for D and meant it that my wife suddenly saw the light. That was a long time ago. I am an old man now. Still married to my wife who I love completely. I am pro R. But only if a WS is worthy. So given my experience, I am like the carpenter who thinks all issues can be dealt with with a hammer. I see many similarities between your wife and mine in a general sense. I really believe that your only chance to get your wife to a place you want her to be in a timeframe you can deal with, is to file for divorce. There is nothing that will get her attention more than D papers. That is my hammer. It worked for me and it might work for you. I think it has more chance than staying the course. I want you two to make it. But the issue is… if she doesn’t change. I still believe it is your best option. Not meant as pressure just saying what I believe. You get to do you.

I respect that you aren’t taking it lightly.

You are unendingly supportive and insightful. Thank you for sharing so much wisdom.

Your threads are always long, IH, because you have a thoughtful approach that's always intriguing (and frustrating to some) and you're resolute in taking what you need and leaving the rest.

I guess I’ve just had so much to say and even more to learn. Every one of these threads I start I don’t know where my thoughts are going, I just know I have enough of a problem to bring to you guys. And then it’s all just happening in real time, heady questions and real life. And I know I’m a pain in the ass sometimes, but it’s encouraging to find a bunch of people here who enjoy that part of me, it’s been vilified for a long time now.

Ink..I don't want my post to sound as if I'm pressuring you. I apologize if it came off that way. As I said, you should absolutely only move in any direction, when you are ready. At the same time, it's not good for you to remain in limbo indefinitely. You know that. Your heart and mind will eventually get there. As always, you have my support.

HF, thanks for the soft response. I posted that and wasn’t quite sure if you were going to tell me to go f@?$ myself.

I know this isn’t a place to get stuck, where I’m at doesn’t feel stable or permenant. But I’m where I need to be right now.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think anyone means to pressure you on a decision. I asked the same question about a timeline a page or two back, and you did seem to have some ideas in mind. I think for me, (putting on my other hat) it was helpful to have "assessment times" picked out. And I said as much before. They aren’t ever picked out for a decision day but to reflect upon where things were at point a, and the progress made to point b (which could be in me, him, the relationship, clarity, etc). It kept me kind of sane because I could put away the wrestling of the decision and let it all go for a period of time because I knew I would have another assessment date and I could delay until then.

Otherwise it was daily oscillation that really only distracted me from doing things I needed to do for myself instead.

I am not suggesting that to slow anything down, I think when you know you will know. But until that day comes, it’s a little easier to be out of the ambiguity and focused more on self. I think you are making a lot more room for self discovery and healing and while this thread started about marriage, it’s obvious to me that it’s now become about healing yourself with or without the relationship. I think that’s an excellent place to be and great clarity will come from that focused effort.

We have been separated twice- once ten months after my d-day (it was IHS) and almost immediately after his dday I sent him to live in the camper for a bit. Our first IHS was preparing for divorce, our second was a cooling off period because I was full on ballistic. Neither was for a long period. I can’t imagine how hard that would have been to navigate if we still had kids at home.

Point being, thats a lot to keep on the plate- managing the children and your healing, it’s been an excellent time for you to step away from trying to help her heal and trying to heal the relationship. Those two things were not working anyway. You can’t help her heal and until she can get to a certain level with that, she can’t help you heal the marriage.

Keep focusing on yourself. You don’t have to decide right now, I would just say the reason you are hearing everyone ask these questions is because it’s part of having the boundaries to protect yourself while you face inward.

Ps This shit is hard and no one knows how to do it. Sending strength.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:26 AM, Wednesday, February 7th]

I think that many people here read your words and relieve our various situations. We overlap your pain and experience with our own.

I fully believe this, and I’m sure that many of you want to reach thru the screen and save me from myself. But I’m afraid the best I’m going to let any of you do, if you care to, is be an advisor. And a friend. But I have to walk this and then add my experience to the community collection. That’s the best we can do, friends.

And if I use your hammer, it will not be as a way to entice her back or wake her up. It will be my exit. God help us.

I want to say in terms of the hammer.

No one changes overnight. Fear is actually usually a way to precipitate someone faking things a bit better.

That being said, dennylast- it’s not to say that there isn’t such thing as fake it until you make it.

My husband and I drew up divorce papers in month ten and went to ihs. I got a lot more convincing. I look back and know it was absolutely because I did want the marriage with him, so nothing had bad intentions. I just would say what I needed to learn still took years. That doesn’t mean I was a bad wife, but the true cure for so many of my problems was my relationship with myself. Once you get that right, then your outer ones will change. That takes a lot of time especially after being the worst version of yourself.

However, I am only in favor of authenticity of the bs feeling it’s truly time. Because feeling like you have to manipulate the other to get them to fall in line would ring empty to most when compliance is reached. It can be its own extra hurdle later.

At the same time, I do think sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. It’s a form of letting go of the outcome. When you focus on yourself and let it go, in whatever form that is. I think ink is closer to that than he has ever been. Ihs is a big step that he just made and is still trying to navigate.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:42 AM, Wednesday, February 7th]

Regarding timelines: I feel uncertain about them. I started my journey telling myself that I wouldn’t make a decision for a year post D-Day. Then D-Day 2 comes along at month 11 and everything gets scrambled. I decide to come back together and I’ve never had a similar time conviction, more like I just needed to see progress. And I saw some, and I guess not enough, cause here I am with a heart that just doesn’t want to be around her anymore.

And I’m listening to you a lot right now HikingOut, holding out just the smallest sliver of hope that she might wake up. I don’t know how you and your husband did it. But it just seems to me that the most likely outcome right now is that I just give up before that is possible (after she wasted 18 months) or before any arbitrary timeline were to expire because that is just what I find inside.