SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tell his wife.

Hope this is all just a mistake, but her body language says 1 of 2 things for me. 1, your personality intimidates her and seeing you scared her over your obvious demeanor with her in a car with a stranger to you, or 2, she is having an affair and the guy speeding off rather than introducing himself confirms. Let’s hope for 1, but prepare for 2

Fix what you have done? Understand this, your WW has had sex with this guy, plain and simple.

What do you exactly want her to fix? Are you saying to your WW that the sex with this guy will be overlooked as long as you dump him? Is that your plan snd desire?

I’ve been exactly where you are, minus the sitting in the truck with him situation.

In May 2020, I discovered endless texts and calls between my husband of 20+ years and a female coworker. Being the incredibly naïve person I was who assumed that my husband would come clean if I confronted him, I approached him calmly, showed him what I had, and expressed my concern that he was having an affair.

He lied and lied and lied some more. I cried for the truth, I begged for the truth, I calmly asked for the truth in half a dozen different, serious, direct ways. He gaslighted me, said they were just friends, that he didn’t want to tell me about his friendship with her because I’d overreact, etc. Two+ years out in reconciliation, the damage done by that lying is still so bad that I don’t know if we’ll ever really overcome it. After a month of vacillating between feeling terrified he was cheating and feeling like I must be a horrible jealous crazy person not to trust his word, something clicked in me. I found an old phone of his, worked until I got into it, and found the smoking gun and bullet to the heart. Cold hard evidence was key: he did an about face. But the damage was done, and we’re still experiencing the fallout and trying to find our way.

What I wish I had done:

1) relied on common sense and gut instinct rather than my husbands words and the twisted, conflicting emotions caused by his lying. Common sense says the signs you are seeing point to an affair.

2) I wish I had immediately pursued getting smoking gun evidence rather than wasting a month putting myself through the emotional agony of worthless confrontations hoping that somehow he wasn’t a person who would lie to me like that.

3) when it was clear he was committed to his "just friends" story. I wish I had calmly looked him in the face, said “I don’t believe you,” and instituted the 180.

4) I wish I had immediately told the other betrayed spouse the second I found smoking gun evidence.

There are other things I wish I had done differently, but those are the things I wish I had done in the situation you’re in right now. You’re already doing better than me. I’m so sorry you’re here; it’s an excruciating place to be.

[This message edited by Grieving at 5:22 PM, Friday, November 11th]

Jensen4321: You've received a ton of good advice here. I hope you have the clarity of mind to make use of it. To add a few suggestions of my own:

1. I would strongly recommend NOT contacting the AP (affair partner) right now. The chances that it turns out useful are slim, and the chances that it goes poorly are high (esp. given what you said about tending get worked up into a rage). But DO try to find the OBS (Other betrayed spouse) and inform her what you know about your wife and the AP's texting and talking.

2. While your wife is out of the house, do a thorough check of any computer/tablet of hers or one you might share. Besides the obvious (like FB/Instagram messenger), one place that is often overlooked is the browser history. All too often, there will be incriminating searches like "can deleted text messages be recovered?", searches for nearby hotels, etc. When you talk to her again and demand her phone (and you should), do all those searches first before telling her you are going to run text recovery software.

3. From here on out, any evidence you find, save a backup copy somewhere she can't access (like a brand new email account with a secure password). Don't just leave it on your phone.

4. Remember "she didn't mention him to me because she knew that I would not like them talking after hours." That is already a major betrayal. She is okay with lying by omission to do things she knows you are not okay with. And not just a small one-time thing, but hours of calls and thousands of texts.

Wishing you the best!

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 4:06 PM, Thursday, November 17th]

Sorry you are here.

Deep down you already know what you need to know. She is having an affair. And a PA at that.

You already have all the info you need to to get you going in trying to get out of this mess.

One thing I would say, you seem to be a bit on the edge when confronted with all of this. It is totally understandable. But in these situations it is also good practice to try and maintain a level head. It helps one think clearer.

I told her that until she is ready to discuss this honestly, that she needs to stay with her mom who lives close by. She said she didn't do anything wrong and wasn't going anywhere. At that point I lost my cool and told her to GTFO out NOW!

We can notice that on the end of this passage. In this situation it was well timed. It showed you are angry and will NOT tolerate being mistreated like that.

But when you found something fishy. You also rushed to get the answers from your WS. She will not give them to you easily. You should hold to what you have and tell her the bare minimum only - to see if what she says matches what you already know to be true. Because cheaters lie. And they lie, and they lie. A LOT.

Don't act on impulse. Be smart and stand your ground.

She then said that she is just friends with the guy and they have been working closely over the past few weeks and she didn't mention him to me because she knew that I would not like them talking after hours. I asked to see her phone and she handed it right over. I opened it and all the calls and messages were gone. She said that she just wanted to "erase the whole thing if your going to get so upset about it".

Around here this is called trickle truth. Typical cheater behaviour. You are not alone on your WS behaviour. Believe me.

And be ready for love bombing (she will try to get closer to you giving you loads of sex offerings like never before). She will also say you are her "one and only", "it was a mistake", "it is you that she wants". Be mindfull and take a step back. She can't be trusted at the moment. Ask me, ask many around here how we know this.

asked to see her phone and she handed it right over. I opened it and all the calls and messages were gone. She said that she just wanted to "erase the whole thing if your going to get so upset about it".

Another one from the cheaters handbook. They are a dime a dozen around here. They really are.

The best thing you can do at the moment is to keep your distance (well done on letting her know you will not tolerate cheating) and to keep away from her until you figure out what is the weight of the shit sandwich your WS just handed to you.

Get a complete written timeline of her behaviour with her OP.

Get complete access to her electronics.

Don't interact with her on an intimacy/sex level.

Get STD tested.

Saying your are scheduling a polygraf may also be useful.

Definitely try and tell the OPs wife what the hell is going on. She has the right to know.

Stand your ground but me mindfull of your rage. Stay angry and look out for yourself.

Doing so you may have more info to work on going forward dealing with this shitshow she got you into.

In the end you will be ok.

All the best.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 7:52 PM, Sunday, November 13th]

Hey Jensen:

Any updates?

justanotherperson dropped a post with a list of good advice at the end.

If I were you I would follow that as a start to get yourself out of infidelity.

The reasoned approach is always best.

Sending good vibes your way.

So very sorry you are facing this shyte. No one knows for sure if this is a PA, but, as they say, where theres smoke....

One thing'в for sure, no matter what it is exactly, its wildly inappropriate at the minimum, at the maximum, well, you know.

Youll get tremendous tactical and strategic advice here as you already have. Id add a few things:

1. Thank god you went to check on her vehicle

2. Be proactive with her and the situation. "I know this looks bad" is pathetic and would be laughable if it werent so very serious.

3. Find out as much as you can about this guy. Inform this pissant's wife.

As you assert yourself step by step, you'll learn a lot more.

Oh, and try with all of your might to be icy, not hot. Easier said than done but hot anger is much more draining and you need your strength right now. The 180 can help you in this regard.

Strength and fortitude to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 11:27 AM, Tuesday, November 15th]

Tell the Wife now. You don’t need your spouses permission. If there is nothing to hide or see, then there is no problem. Unfortunately there is more.
Can you get her phone and do a data recovery?
Breathe and think. Exercise and eat.
One day at a time.

How are you doing Jensen?

Any update? I hope you are well.

"At that point I lost my cool and told her to GTFO out NOW! She grabbed a few things and took off out the door".

BRAVO!

Another thing you can do is have a lawyer draft divorce papers and make sure she knows about it. They dont have to be filed unless ALL is lost.

We're not getting any younger, and life is already too gdamn short to have to put up with this manner of humiliation.

Sleep. eat. Work out if you're a gym rat. All tough things to do when reeling from infidelity, but oh so necessary.

Once the dust settles, it's either divorce time..or reconciliation. No middle ground. And remember...whatever her issue(s) were with you within the marriage she claims gave her *permission* to cheat, the act of actual cheating is ALL on her. Every INCH of it. Everyone is responsible for their share of marriage problems, but trying to cure them by f@#king someone else is simply a horrific decision.

She sold you out and threw your marriage under a bus. She needs to be held thoroughly accountable for her shitty decisions. I dont know if you're in the angry phase yet, but it can be quite cleansing as long as you moderate it and dont let it take control.

Good luck to you my friend, and keep talking to someone to vent the steam, whether it be here or amongst your friends.

[This message edited by Clint at 1:20 PM, Sunday, November 20th]

Hi Guys,

Sorry that I have not taken the time to update everybody, but its been a tough couple of weeks. I ended up taking the next day off and researched the guy but could not get a confirmed home address or his wifes contact information. So, I decided to wait for the guy at their work parking lot and follow him to his house and inform his wife. I located his truck in the parking lot and waited for him to leave and followed him for a while until he turned into park not far from their workplace. As soon as I turned in I could see my wifes car.

She saw me instantly and drove towards the exit and he just started following her out. At this point she called him ( i can see from the phone records) I informed him that I had been following him. He did a U turn and headed off in the other direction and I followed my wife. She called me and accused me of being "crazy" and a "stalker" and that she was calling the police.

I decided to turn around and go back in the direction that he was in and check out an address that might possibly be his and when I arrived he was just going into the house. I parked and walked up and knocked on the door and I could hear him saying to not open the door. I stood there for a minute and the went back to my car. I minute later the police pulled up and got me out of the car. He had claimed that I followed him home after a road rage incident.

The cops were actually pretty cool and I explained exactly what was going on and that I was just wanting to inform his wife of what was going on. One of the cops walked up to the door and spoke with her and then escorted her down to talk with me. I told her what had just happened and that her husband has been having secret meeting with my wife and showed her the phone log. She seemed pretty disappointed with the news but thanked me.

I went home and started looking up divorce attorneys. I met with one on Wednesday and the outlook is not as bad as I was thinking. She hasn't even tried to contact me but I have spoken with her mother a few times and her mom says that my wife is "scared" and thinks that I need help. Im pretty sure her mom isn't buying it.

So, anyways I have informed our boys and they are kind of soaking it all in. So, its been like 11 days of no contact and it looks like she is going to deny that anything ever happened and that im just a insecure husband.

I’m sorry this had to happen but clearly your wife is behaving like a classical cheater.

I guess the police didn’t buy the road rage story either and they have seen this happen before. At least you had the opportunity to speak to the OBS.

Imagine! Your spouse is cheating on you and your wife believes "you need help". Classic cheater behavior BTW.

I give you credit for exposing the cheaters. Now that it’s the light of day, I wonder how the CW snd the OM are doing. I wonder if the affair is still happening — given that his wife just found out.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:44 AM, Wednesday, November 23rd]

Well, you know more now than you did before. It’s very good that you informed the coworker’s wife of what you know. It was the right thing to do. It appears that they were going to meet up again in secret until you showed up. It seems a severe overreaction under the circumstances for your WW to call the police on you, rather than just to talk to you. Indeed there has been no contact for 11 days with no attempt by your WW to come forward and explain what is going on. And she has two teens at home but has no interest in being there for them. She is demonstrating behavior right out of the cheater’s handbook.

You can proceed to do further investigation of whether she was engaged in an A with her coworker. But regardless, your WW has shown no interest in coming home and continuing the M. Your actions are not unwarranted. You have not threatened her. But you should wear a VAR when around her or talking to her. She has already called the police once. With no movement by your WW, you have very few options. Take care of you and your boys. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:03 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)]

Perfectly normal that you will not tolerate a wife having a boyfriend. Keep communicating that to your sons - that's showing them how a confident man who values himself behaves.

She has a great deal of work on herself to do before you'll have any kind of healthy marriage.

Smart speaking to an attorney.

Protect yourself from your wife falsely accusing you of threatening her or abusing her. Even telling the police she's afraid of you and filing a restraining order against you. Ask your lawyer about this.

Good for you telling his wife, the OM and your wife didn't make that easy.

Jensen,

Your Guardian Angel has given you 3 gifts over the last 2 weeks.

* Catching her at the tire shop
* Catching her at the park
* POSOM shitting himself behind his locked door (one of the best outings of an AP ever)

You don't need anymore. Her actions during and after the tire shop shows you who she is. Whether it's EA\PA doesn't matter at this point.

Strength to you and your children.

PS: My Guardian Angel came in the for of a Retired Guy who lived across the street. He asked me one day "Who drives that Nova that's been stopping by your house?". He knew what he was asking, I rewarded him with a couple of cases of his favorite beer before I moved out of the house.

Again strength to you and your children.

Hi Guys,

Sorry that I have not taken the time to update everybody, but its been a tough couple of weeks. I ended up taking the next day off and researched the guy but could not get a confirmed home address or his wifes contact information. So, I decided to wait for the guy at their work parking lot and follow him to his house and inform his wife. I located his truck in the parking lot and waited for him to leave and followed him for a while until he turned into park not far from their workplace. As soon as I turned in I could see my wifes car.

She saw me instantly and drove towards the exit and he just started following her out. At this point she called him ( i can see from the phone records) I informed him that I had been following him. He did a U turn and headed off in the other direction and I followed my wife. She called me and accused me of being "crazy" and a "stalker" and that she was calling the police.

I decided to turn around and go back in the direction that he was in and check out an address that might possibly be his and when I arrived he was just going into the house. I parked and walked up and knocked on the door and I could hear him saying to not open the door. I stood there for a minute and the went back to my car. I minute later the police pulled up and got me out of the car. He had claimed that I followed him home after a road rage incident.

The cops were actually pretty cool and I explained exactly what was going on and that I was just wanting to inform his wife of what was going on. One of the cops walked up to the door and spoke with her and then escorted her down to talk with me. I told her what had just happened and that her husband has been having secret meeting with my wife and showed her the phone log. She seemed pretty disappointed with the news but thanked me.

I went home and started looking up divorce attorneys. I met with one on Wednesday and the outlook is not as bad as I was thinking. She hasn't even tried to contact me but I have spoken with her mother a few times and her mom says that my wife is "scared" and thinks that I need help. Im pretty sure her mom isn't buying it.

So, anyways I have informed our boys and they are kind of soaking it all in. So, its been like 11 days of no contact and it looks like she is going to deny that anything ever happened and that im just a insecure husband.

That was utterly stupid! Never do something like that again.

That was utterly stupid! Never do something like that again.

bob7777, that was completely inappropriate!

It's one thing to express concern and advice to assist the OP, its another to call him stupid.

There's way to much of this harsh crap in this forum. A forum where people are at their most vulnerable and in pain.

Stop it!!!