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Random thoughts today:

It's frustrating. Does the WS not think the BS would want a new adventure and passion with someone new? Of course we would, that is the fun part of dating when you are younger or single. But the difference is, it stops there. You think to yourself, oh that was fun but I'm in a secure relationship now.

Also, when do you know you have hit rock bottom? I have zero energy and a non chalant attitude about things that usually matter to me, exercise, healthy eating, etc. I can work but that's all I've energy for. Nothing else is priority anymore.

On the plus side, had to do something that normally causes me a lot of stress that felt totally fine now.

Can we put this on the bonuses of being a BS list? Events or tasks that once made us so worked up now don't seem to matter. I'd rather not be a part of this club, but there are so many lessons.

Also, at which point do you make a decision of 'yes we are moving forward together' and not go back and forth in your mind. When do you re-commit to the marriage? And stop wafting?

WS feels he is barely staying afloat with my questions and pain. Again, he is 'surprised' at the level of pain he has caused. I think he just completely checked out of the marriage and thought he'd keep this A going as long as it served him.

I also did ask him, like what was your plan? Did you plan on having an A for the rest of your life and then a stable and secure life with me where I do all the things, watch the kids, work, etc. etc. he said he had no plan. Surprise surprise.

Ok feel free to comment if you have any random thoughts to add:)

I have zero energy and a non chalant attitude about things that usually matter to me, exercise, healthy eating, etc. I can work but that's all I've energy for. Nothing else is priority anymore.

This is NORMAL. It's a shock to your system. If you get a chance to read those books I recommended earlier, you'll see that the amygdala of the brain (fight, flight, freeze) gets jumpy, kind of like a hyperalert situation. You might notice that you startle more easily and that your triggers cause a physiological reaction as adrenaline and cortisol gets released into your body. It feels exhausting after awhile. I tried to tough it out for about four months. After that, I was so sick to my stomach I finally went to my doctor and got some medication.

While it's a very normal reaction to have, you do want to continue your self-care regimen and you will be wise to work on reaching out to your support network. We tend to curl in on ourselves when we're hurt, and honestly, the self-isolation might feel comforting at first, but it can be a really bad road to go down after awhile. It's hard to force interest in the basics of life, to listen to people chatter about work and the weather and trivial gossip, when your whole world is in flames, right? But this is where we have to get tough and engage so that those relationships are still there for us in the long run. It sucks, but try to make yourself get involved and socialize when you can. I severely damaged several close relationships, unrecoverable in a couple of cases, because I just couldn't seem to make myself meet people where they are. Don't be me on that score.

Also, at which point do you make a decision of 'yes we are moving forward together' and not go back and forth in your mind. When do you re-commit to the marriage? And stop wafting?

There's no real timetable. I agreed to work on toward R after a few months, but privately? I was on the fence for the better part of two years. There's something to be had by really feeling your agency on this decision. Knowing that the choice is yours, and even that you can change your mind if you want, makes it easier to let go of those feelings of victimization.

Full healing is typically about two to five years, but all you can really ask of yourself is that you try and be as authentic as you can in the process. For some people, that's going to mean R and for others, D. Intimate betrayal is such a primal kind of wounding that many of us end up feeling like we're rebuilding our whole identity, like we are revealing ourselves to ourselves in the process of healing. It's hard to know who you're going to be this early on or what you're going to want.

WS feels he is barely staying afloat with my questions and pain. Again, he is 'surprised' at the level of pain he has caused. I think he just completely checked out of the marriage and thought he'd keep this A going as long as it served him.

This is typical too. He needs to educate himself on what a BS goes through. Sometimes WS's resist it because it's hard and they don't like thinking about themselves as the bad guy. But this is like the first step to making real change, isn't it? A person can't say that they're really sorry if they can't verbalize what it is that they're sorry for. To be redeemed, one has to understand his transgression, have remorse for it, and then rectify it as best he can. There's no coin which pays you back for your pain. The least he can do is do the work it takes to understand how his perfidy has caused your suffering.

Thank you Chamomile tea. I’m reading from abandonment to healing. Made it through the shattering phase in the book. It helps but I have to re read I find. A lot of content and the absorption has been affected. I definitely find I’m losing things more than usual and forgetting to do certain tasks as well.

That's normal too. Speaking for myself, I felt kind of stunned. I had difficulty concentrating, found my mind wandering frequently, and sometimes just spaced out. I'd go from weepy to flat and back again. There's something really primal happening to us when that emotional bond is suddenly severed. It DOES get better though. It just seems to take a long time is all.

((hugs))

I apologize if I missed this, but is your WS is individual therapy, at least weekly?

I read that you’re in MC (which usually is not recommended until after you’ve both had 6 months of IC), and that you are in IC, but what about him?

This "surprise" and him "barely hanging on" with you needing to process the trauma he caused, it’s still such wayward thinking. If he’s not in weekly IC to dig deep, you’re marriage remains in peril. Questions for him to ponder in IC: why don’t I have a moral compass? Why did I completely fail to be a decent person towards the mother of my children and my chosen partner? Why can’t I be in a quiet room with my own thoughts? Why do I always need socialization and stimulation? Why are my go-to strategies lying and manipulation?

Until he can answer every single one of these questions in a way that does not ONCE reference you and what you did or failed to do, he is not a safe partner. The answers to those questions speak to his character and who he is and wants to be as a person. THOSE are the questions he needs to wrestle with, not a surface level analysis of what was happening in the marriage that skewed his thinking.

Right now, your nervous system is still on high alert because of the trauma, and that will start to settle with time. I remember feeling mostly sane by month 5 or 6… I know that feels a long way off, but please trust us that you have to go through it and not avoid it or try to skip it. Your body and brain need to absorb the shock and find their footing again. Going through it now means much fewer long term implications to your functioning, so please feel the things even though it sucks.

But in terms of staying married- you’ll be able to trust him again, you’ll feel SAFE again in your marriage, if and only if he can answer those questions above in a way that your gut instinct says is legit. If you believe he’s really and truly done the work to be a safe partner.

Sending you huge hugs. You’re doing great.

Also, when do you know you have hit rock bottom?

I didn't know until rock bottom was in the past.

My reco is to stop being concerned about timing now. Feel your feelings as they come up within the constraints that you're willing to recognize. As a start, if I wanted to roll up into a ball during a business meeting, I'd keep the feelings out until it was safe to feel them. Likewise, it's best to stay focused on traffic while driving or on kids when they're being kids.

I created an 'observer' in my head, an ego state, if you will (searchable). That way I could go with my flow while the observer kept me safe. I wasn't as effective as usual at work, but at least I kept doing something productive.

Overall, note that healing will take as long as it will take. It's like a project, but it has no end date. Healing is a matter of (re)gaining mental health. The things you do to accomplish that are things you'll always do from now on, because to stop the habits of good mental health is to risk your mental health going down the tubes.

If you read a lot here, you'll find people who are happy and effective who have R'ed and who have D'ed. It's not the D/R outcome that makes us happy. It's the way we get to the outcome. The more the BS takes responsibility for their own life, the happier and more effective the BS will be.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:20 PM, Thursday, June 29th]

Healing takes time and a lot of hard work. It is like PTSD where things he does will trigger emaotions and it will take time to work through the triggers and heal them. IC is wonderful but it needs to be full of hard work on healing.