SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I take it that it’s Facetime because you relocated from her locality/country to your country of origin.

Friend – I’m going to suggest a change of attitude – a change in how you think.
Know it’s not easy, but everything starts with a decision…

Instead of thinking "everything has blown up for me, family, house , job gone…" then try to see your present situation as the START of a new future. A new chance, a new opportunity to do different.
Change:
Everything has blown up for me, family, house , job gone…

To:

Everything is open to me, new family, accommodations, location, career…

Friend – I KNOW this isn’t what you wanted, and the way your ex went about it is about as tactfulness and painful as it can get. But it is what it is, and your best way forward is by leaving it all behind. You can (and are) have a good, fruitful relationship with your kids, but can leave her and the pain she caused in your past.

I found out from my kids that they are hanging with the affair partner and his kids. Hit me hard I must admit. But hopefully it will steel me for the asset fight as I felt my heart softening towards my STBXWW.

Like it or not you would want your kids to get along with whomever your ex wife is dating. You would want that person to be a caring and capable adult to support your kids. It’s your role to remain their dad, and you need to ensure a) you are capable of that role and b) you have the legal access and capability to fulfil that role.

You are right. I was just shocked to hear they are going public with their relationship and involving the kids.

Jajay

I really get the pain.
I do hope you understand that and don’t think I’m pointing all this stuff out to hurt.
I have a lot of believe in our mind’s ability to participate in its own healing. I think we can be very logical and sensible and apply that logic to our situations so we can override the "emotional" part of our thought process.
It’s a Stoic concept – a philosophy I have a love/hate relationship with.
If we were to apply Stoic logic to all aspects of life and simply base our decisions and actions on "logical" and "sensible" we would be eating the cheapest and most plain food available and chasing it down with tap-water. After all, emotions like taste and appreciation aren’t very "logical". We would choose a life-partner based on earing potential, cost-of-maintenance and breeding-capacity. We might even switch partner once the breeding part is over, and then again find one based on cost-of-maintaining once we retire… It’s not applicable all the time, but by applying this "logic" we can at least ensure the emotional aspect doesn’t override the sensible and logical aspect.

Having emotions is human. Being controlled by them is human. Controlling them is also human.

I get the pain.
I’ simply emphasizing that you can focus on your recovery. Focus on the opportunities a fresh start gives you. Focus on creating an environment where there is nothing in the way of your kids visiting and even staying over for a month or two. Focus on reaching a place where you can go visit with them and maybe rent an Airbnb for a week. Focus on the present, and how you want to take the next steps to a better future.

Thank you for your posts Bigger. It does mean a lot to me. You’re right in that it is mostly about the pain. Especially fooling me into false R at my most vulnerable point after I was discharged from the nut house. Now that she is continuing out in the open and dragging my kids into this is almost beyond belief. I’ll admit it was a huge shock and I had a secret hopium habit that she would come to her senses.

On the plus side, I’ve been doing all the right things since August. No contact, completely removed from the toxic situation, lawyered up and only communicating about children. I am slowly moving forward.

On the plus side, I’ve been doing all the right things since August. No contact, completely removed from the toxic situation, lawyered up and only communicating about children. I am slowly moving forward.

And you’re also helping others. You’re doing amazing m’man. Keep it up!!

Some reflections the last few days. My xWW is a covert narc or has a similar disorder. Nothing else can explain the brutality of her discard and behaviour. Looking back over the relationship history I can see how undermining and manipulative she was.

Highly likely my mother is also a covert narc and that probably explains why I ended up with my ex. Now I know what to look for I won’t get hooked by another one and I’ll educate my kids about narcs.

Sounds like you’re hanging in there OP - great to hear!

Highly likely my mother is also a covert narc and that probably explains why I ended up with my ex

It’s fantastic you’ve recognized this. So many inadvertently seek out an SO that replicates the disfunction they witnessed in their parent’s relationship, since that’s what they know. Now that you’re fully aware of this tendency, you can fight it and better filter out future relationship candidates.

"he tried to tell me it was an xmas gift for one of our kids"

There you go. That's how far and willing he is to save himself in this thing, should you be wondering.

You have every right to know everything and no less than that. He opened Pandora's box, and now that you have access, I really don't see how he can even pretend to claim any kind of moral highground.

Yes, he may feel regret, remorse, or neither. It's all irrelevant now really. I know it doesn't feel that way, and you don't want to feel this way, but prepare yourself to protect yourself.

When I found out I made a calendar of their meetings and conversations spanning months. He hardly willingly revealed anything, I pieced "it" together based on email correspondence I found. Believe me, I didn't want to be doing any of this, but he was being so vague and TT me I had no choice for my own sanity. And I was trying to figure out my future, so I had to know how deep his deceit went.

Be forewarned, knowing the details never answered the "why did you do this" when we were so happy question. What answer can a cheating spouse come up with to really fix that damage? But demanding and expecting specifics and answers put me back into the equasion of my own life. It was time to re-evaluate things.

Isn't it the least our "wayward" spouses owe us? To answer why. At least those of us who chose to stick around and give them the time for an honest answer and perhaps a second chance.

So, I suppose my advice to you is to trust your gut, follow through on finding out the "details" and specifics of your situation as you need to, and decide nothing, promise nothing, until you have the facts and know what you need to know to make a decision on whether the person you trusted and loved until now is still worthy of your love and devotion. Suspend your judgement for the time being. Try to step back. I know that may seem impossible after what happened to you, but it's really important you try to be objective right now.

My WS went into deep therapy after his big F Up. I would have never predicted it because I was out the door already, but it turned out to make a difference in my decision to stay with him and try to retreive the "good life" we had before, even as I questioned if any of it was possible or true.

I wanted nothing to do with him after his "dalliance". He wounded me so deeply it took years to recover from. And recovery wasn't my first intent. I wanted truth. I wanted meaning again. I wanted an explanation.

I'll never trust him like I did before. He has left me with the gift of vigillance, ie trust nothing or no one. Actually, neither he nor I will ever again live in the security we had before. With each other or in the world. Just that alone really pisses me off. What am I supposed to do with that? Or that HE was the one to gifted it? He really F Up our plans and lives.

It's been five years. I stuck through it mostly because he fought so hard to keep me from me leacing. I'm finally seeing him again as I did before he F Up. And I loved that person so so much, I'm so glad to be able to see him again, to see us again.

t/j Think it's clear that Elicia posted on the wrong thread.

JayJay - focus on you.
I’m not so certain your ex has some pathological mental disease or condition. She definitely went about ending the marriage the wrong way, and she definitely needs to work on her morals, determination and ethics. But even if she turns into the worst person possible, or transform into a saint… it wont really help you.
Focus on you.

Update from me. I am slowly moving forward. Trying to schedule a visit to my kids in their home country. I really don’t want to go back there but it feels like the easiest way to see them in the short term. Have found out from my kids the POSOM is staying over at the house pretty regularly. Obviously not happy about that but nothing I can do so not worrying about it.

Moving forward trying to rebuild my life in other areas and keeping focus on my kids.

I hope you get to see your kids soon. Thank you for the update.

Just back from a weekend with my kids. It was amazing to be with them I showered them with attention and love. They were craving physical affection so if was lots of hugs and massages for them.

It was also incredibly sad being back in that horrible place with all the memories shattered dreams. Saying goodbye and leaving was heartbreaking for me and I am feeling particularly hopeless at the moment knowing they’re so far away and it’s so hard for me just to be in that town that I couldn’t go back there, I just wouldn’t make it. I’m back in a loop of searching for how to go missing and looking at suicide forums again. My life has truly been utterly destroyed. Just getting up and doing things is a huge struggle and with no job, no home, no money, kids thousands of miles away everything just seems impossible.

I’m not suicidal because I couldn’t do it to my kids but I am near crisis again. I may need to go into a mental health unit. I just need somewhere to rest and weather the storm.

Please go get some help. It sounds like your children would be devastated if something happened to you. While things seem bleak now, this isn't the end. Please take care of you.

Thank you. I’m really trying but nothing seems to be going right, it’s been 10 months of hell and a year before I left of affair nonsense and false R. As much as I hated being there I am considering going back just so I could see my kids more but that also feels impossible now.

If I'm guessing correctly, everything seems impossible right now, but things won't always be this way. I'm so sorry that things suck right now. Acknowledge that things suck, but realize that the suck is temporary. It took 3 years before I felt like I was going to be ok.

Is there a town or city that's 30 to 60 minutes from them? It might be close enough to frequently travel but far enough to not be painful?

Jajay

I’m sharing more than I am comfortable with, but you my friend are worth some discomfort…

Not too long ago a very close relative died from a drug overdose. Everything – EVERYTHING – indicates it was an intentional overdose. I had been working at trying to help that person for some time, and he had already told me that there were only two paths out of his addiction: sobriety or death.
I have no doubt that when he snorted that last line, smoked that crack and/or downed those oxy’s that he thought he was doing everyone – including himself – a favor.

Yet he left behind two immensely impacted kids who didn’t experience a grain of relief at losing their dad. They didn’t see him as an addict battling some mental issues but as a DAD. Someone they loved unconditionally and really enjoyed being around.
He left behind a distraught ex wife. Not exactly my favorite person, but I am still convinced she loved him at some point and still did/does in her strange way.
A shattered mom who is now on medical sick-leave six months later, having broken down emotionally and physically after the process of arranging a burial of her son.
Somber siblings, wondering why they weren’t’ enough to help their brother trough his struggles, trying to help their cousins and wondering if their mom will recover.

I really love this close relative. I really do. Every evening before going to bed I go aside and talk to him. I can understand that he was in dire straits. I get the agony. I get the pain.

Yet I don’t think there is anything less helpful and more selfish than what he did.

Please JayJay… there are people that depend on you. People that love you.
People whose lives will be worse and their existence negatively impacted if you were to be selfish.

Get help. Phone a helpline. Talk to someone. Allow yourself to be loved, and love yourself.

Thank you all. I’m not going to do anything stupid or selfish and traumatise my kids anymore than they are. Just having a bad day I’m sorry.

I am sorry you are experiencing the hangover from being in your old town where the hurts happened. I moved 30 minutes away just so I wouldn’t have to see those places, worry about running into AP or XWH. It helped a lot. Now, a few years down the road, I am fine when there. It takes time. And to some extent, exposure. It gets easier.

Please do think of it as a hangover- meaning temporary. Focus on how fun to see the kids.

and maybe look at ongoing therapy to help you build your coping mechanisms and weather these storms.

And to echo Bigger - remember that you are loved and needed and important. Never give in to those dark forces. Keep the phone number handy to get help when you need it.