SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To Molly,
A consensual sexual relationship between a subordinate and his/her boss is not necessarily a defense to a sexual harassment case. The devil is in the details. An attorney who specializes in such matters has the expertise to evaluate the merits of such cases. Many corporations have established strict guidelines prohibiting even "consensual" relationships because of sexual harassment exposure. If I were OP, I would demand that my WW see an attorney with the requisite expertise to evaluate the merits. Alien of affection lawsuits are generally not permissible or are very difficult to prosecute successfully. A sexual harassment case is an alternative avenue to seek justice. The unbalanced power dynamics between a boss and subordinate make the bar to winning that much lower. Again, THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS. An expert should be consulted to make a proper evaluation.

Everyone else: Who is TimD? Is it possible for someone to change their username?, OP, were you once TimD?

OP: I think you are making a mistake going to MC and trying to R so soon. Why? Well first of all your marriage didn't cheat, your WW was the one who DECIDED to betray you. Going to MC so soon is actually a form of RUGSWEEPING as it presupposes that the reason why your WW strayed is due to some sort of unmet needs in the marriage.

You should be right now trying to decide if you WANT to stay married to someone as selfish and cruel as your WW. She not only betrayed you but she also betrayed your children.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:41 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

A lot of mc say they specialize in infidelity. Then you get there,and find out they discourage transparency..or they tell the bs not to ask questions..they encourage rugsweeping...they expect the bs to take half the blame for the affair..etc. We've seen plenty of horror stories.

Taking a freshly caught WS to an mc that does any of that..and you will be worse off than you are now. Ws LOVE those kinds of mc. They get to shrug off responsibility, aren't held accountable, and get to keep their secrets they share with the ap. And, good luck ever getting them to see it differently, because they will have had an "expert" validate their bullshit.

The marriage didn't cheat. She did. She needs therapy. Hold off on mc for several months, at the very least.

Everyone else: Who is TimD? Is it possible for someone to change their username?, OP, were you once TimD?

Yep - me... with a platinum membership you can change your username. For me it's one of my favorite songs, and also is a representation of how I am feeling. Despite being so soon after finding out I have to for my own sanity to not let what happened define me! I have not forgiven or condone in any way what happened and hold her 10000% accountable for everything that has happened and am holding her accountable for her actions. Call it a combination of my faith, personal perseverance, and wanting to be the best dad to my kids.

We'll see about the MC. If I feel he is not up to the task, doesn't hold her accountable, and doesn't push for transparency, then I am out. Rugsweeping... FUCK no! I have already retained a lawyer to discuss my options and have a call with a divorce coach tomorrow morning. I am more than prepared to end this in a heartbeat if needed.

Also, does anyone know how to turn off the email notifications? My inbox is getting bombarded!

Hi TimD, thanks for clarifying. I wondered what was up with the username Meanwhile going forward I will go by FeelingStrongerEveryDay (or some abbreviation thereof) if that is what you please.

I think MC at this point is a big mistake. Even if MC says all the right things, it does not change the fact that you actually are RUGSWEEPING by going to MC so soon, presupposing that it was the marriage that got her to cheat.

And if your MC talks about the unmet needs nonsense? Then you are putting yourself in a world of hurt. I don't care if you decide to walk away from that MC. Your WW's tears are for HERSELF--her life has just blown up and if you and she D she is the one who will look horrible. They are NOT for you there, Bub. She may feel ashamed and disgusted with herself but that is NOT the same as remorseful. Your WW will end up feeling less bad about her actions because there is at least one "expert" letting her off the hook somewhat telling her that it really was unmet needs and not her character flaws.

Meanwhile, why are you rushing to R with your WW in the first place?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:13 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

Please, Please, Please DO NOT begin Marriage Counseling this early into Discovery!!!

It will only muddy the waters at this point. Most marriage counselors have only one goal --- saving the marriage.

Your marriage did not cheat. Your wife cheated. Something inside her is broken and needs fixed before marriage counseling should even be entertained.

She needs to go to Individual Counseling and begin making some progress toward her brokenness. Then, and only then, should you both begin Marriage Counseling... that is, only if you want to reconcile.

Again, please cancel the MC.

Good luck to you.

FSED,

Technically your nick should've been Feelin'StrongerEveryDay

Sorry for being obtuse, but to your knowledge or belief, has your WW's affair gone physical (full on sex) vs. whatever she was claiming it to be?

You are doing well. This will not define you. You will not let it happen. Seems like you have the right frame of mind going into couples counseling. There are BS’s who have had positive results in couples counseling, but you are rightly advised to be wary should the discussion veer into blaming the M.

It’s good that your WW followed through with the NC letter. Watch her actions and not her words. She has broken your trust and now actions are all that count. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this betrayal. Great advice from Bigger. Read and reread his post. Lots of good practical advice. The best outcome is for you to figure out what is best for you and your family. Time is your ally. Both R and D are pathways out of infidelity and you will receive support whatever path you choose.

IMO the most valuable information is from our personal experience with infidelity. The actions to look for from your WW is she is moving toward remorse and empathy for the pain she has caused. The saying here is to take the advice you can use in your life and leave the rest. I don’t know you or your WW and I would never try to insinuate that I know for a fact why your WW is sobbing. No one here knows her or can state such things with certainty. Her actions moving forward will give you insight on the sincerity of her tears and shame. Good luck.

Your WW has responded pretty well and pretty quickly imo. No real fog, that's good. You caught it early it seems.

Did either WW or AP admit to sex that night?

FSED

By far the biggest wrecker of marriages after d-day isn’t the infidelity itself. I guess most couples decide to work things out just like you did.
The BIG killer is being told you have the truth, only to get a fresh "truth" next week, and again a month later, and again a year later…
We call it trickle-truth, and each instance brings you back to the beginning, wrecking any work done to-date.

We have seen so many instances here where a couple try to reconcile from infidelity where the betrayed spouse has heard of sexual acts, dates, hookups… and they are working at reconciling. Only to maybe learn 3 months later that their spouse met their AP for three months instead of two, or they went to YOUR restaurant (where you met your wife or proposed), or that he was in your bed… Or whatever. It can be a minor thing or a major thing. But if discovered after you thought you had the truth… its ALWAYS major.

So for the next week emphasise that you need the TRUTH.
List what questions you have. Discuss it with her.
Make her a promise that no matter what she shares you will not divorce or leave for 60 days. Make it equally clear that if you don’t think she’s being honest this marriage is doomed. She needs to TRUST you with the truth.

Make it also clear that in a month or so, when she states you have the truth and you think you have everything answered you want her to take a poly. Make it clear to her that failing the poly let’s you know she doesn’t trust you with the truth and will diminish any hope you have of reconciling. But… IF she PASSES then it’s a confirmation you two are on the right path and you need to start working on accepting and letting go of the anger and resentment towards her and the affair.
Basically – if both work at it the poly is a win-win situation.

Ask the OBS for copies of the text messages. Very intersesting your wife feels keeping the job is a fallback in case you divorce. she is esinged to the enevitable. Time for her to come clean if there is more. What has she done that she tihinks divorce is going to happen. There is more out there she may be hiding that she knows if it comes to light then game over or they made plans to to take it to the next level. Askm the OBS what are her plans and what if anything she thinks of telling the senior partner.

Don't accept adults calling relationships a mistake.

She knew she had to hide it from you, she put time and effort into the relationship, she was deliberate and intentional. When she was caught, she tried to cover his tracks.

Ask her to take a lie detector test, has she had any other relationships in the past?

Ask your wife to prove that you want the children to have a DNA test and that she is clean for STD.

This will show your wife the seriousness of the situation and where you stand.

She may also confess about her past relationships,

Not to be graphic, but were you able to confirm whether the affair was fully sexual?

1994,

I asked the same question after re-reading this thread a few times. I'm glad that I wasn't the only one with that question.

One thing I’d do if you can get the texts from the other wife is require your wife read them outloud to you. It can be very impactful for the WS to hear them outloud to realize what damage they truly have done to the marriage.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:38 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

So is she working on her resume today and applying for new jobs? She can’t keep the old one. If she means it that she wants you her actions will prove it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:03 PM, Sunday, March 24th]