SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hear you. The difficulty in wrapping your head around all of this, it is just so incomprehensible.

I am divorced for 2 years now. Have read everything I could get my hands on, posted here about it. I finally, finally believe myself, my perceptions about him. It took his newly exgirlfriend (not ow) contacting me and spilling her guts to me about him. Her experiences, her words "sociopath" to finally validate my thoughts.

15 years with him and I was so broken down by the manipulation that I couldn't even trust myself.

Now I finally do.

He never openly devalued me. It's confusing, even now that he's gone he never showed contempt for me. I mean, other than cheating and lying to me about... if not everything, at least a lot.

Last time we communicated he cried and lamented that I'm so handsome, kind, caring, a giving lover, better than all the guys he cheated on me with; oh how much he lost by doing this! he cried.

But even then he wasn't going to try to fix our relationship. He wanted to not be in a relationship where he cheated. It was about him, not me. Never you deserve better.

Ridiculous. He even said "I'm going to be selfish and break up"... as if he ever was anything but selfish!

He could've called me fat or something, at least! Why does it drive me mad that he never pointed at something wrong with me? He offered no reason for him doing this...

because we never get real reasons or answers, just blame, lies, and entitlement. it's difficult having your world shaken by this other person and watching them never face their true self or their actions.

i still want to know things i never can know. having identified something wrong with my ex, it helps somewhat dealing with his irrational behavior. but i'm still reeling from the affair and betrayal. since i can't go no contact the betrayal continues for me. i can't trust anything about him.

it's still hard for me to get over my image of him and my memories when he was loving. it's hard to think that the most intense, intimate relationship i've had with another person was all a fraud. i never thought i could connect to another person like that and sure enough...

i married him spiritually even though we didn't have a wedding. i fully committed. part of me is still emotionally and physically connected to him.

i decided to post here today because i have another exchange with my WS in an hour to pick up our son. he's been wanting to take him to florida to meet his family. it's not really an option given our ongoing divorce and custody case. neither of us can take him out of the state. his most recent idea? i should go, too. (as for our no contact outside exchanges???) he hasn't really thought it through. i'm angered today that he has so little regard for everything we've been through. i feel like saying something like "why don't you take OW with you and take it as an opportunity to talk to your family about why you can't bring your son out of state with you?" or "why don't you take some time alone to try to work on yourself so you can be a better father for your son while i take some time to get tested for STDs." it's hard to be gray rock. naturally, i want to say my peace and i want some kind of justice.

I have to say these cluster b people really do some big time damage. I don't know how I'll ever be able to look back on this huge part of mylife with any kind of closure. The unanswered questions and red flags I missed throughout our entire marriage will haunt me forever.

I'm not D'd but I am stuck on this currently, not seeing all the red flags and acting on them back then. I wouldn't have my kids if I had listened to my gut correctly early on. Hindsight 20/20 really is a bitch!

I have to say these cluster b people really do some big time damage. I don't know how I'll ever be able to look back on this huge part of mylife with any kind of closure. The unanswered questions and red flags I missed throughout our entire marriage will haunt me forever.

Interesting that just last week in IC my therapist told me every client she has that was cheated on by a cluster B has difficulty getting to closure because there is so much self-flagellation for missing the signs of their disorder and so little remorse on the part of the cheater - they just pick up and move on as if their family/marriage didn't exist.

my $0.02:

People ask me if XW was always like that (NPD/BPD - just plain crazy) or if there was some kind of break; sometimes with the minor implied question of: didn't you see this coming?

My answer to that is that NPD/BPD is just extremely selfish behavior, kind of like a teenager that only thinks about themselves. Well, when someone is in their 20s, it's just, "They have to grow up."

But when that behavior (partying all night, spending every dime, etc.) continues into their mid/late-30s/40s, you really see that there is a deeper issue than just "growing up."

It's the classic frog in a pot of heating water. The frog doesn't notice the temperature increasing until it's boiling and too late; we don't see that they have serious mental issues until it's too late (marriage, kids, mortgage, etc.), either.

[This message edited by WornDown at 11:12 AM, September 8th (Thursday)]

it's hard to think that the most intense, intimate relationship i've had with another person was all a fraud.

That is an amazing thing to have to learn to live with. I don't have it figured out yet! I usually tell people that I didn't get that far in therapy, but seriously, it's hard.

I have to see my NPD X (well, sociopath, or psychopath probably) tonight and it's making me sick to my stomach. It's a child birthday thing that I don't want to miss. Haven't seen X in two years. Don't want to now!!!

Anybody want to send up some positive mojo for me tonight? I'd really appreciate it!!!

How did it go, Compartmented. Did you feel the mojo. Two years is a long time. I expect I would be set back by that. Sending strength.

I did, Steady! As I was driving up, I was thinking about how I am not alone in this anymore. My phone kept pinging away all night from family and friends, too. I'm glad to have resources to call on now. Helps keep the nausea down.

It went well! My son and I had fun. FT made five, count 'em, five attempts to talk and sit near me. He touched my arm, twice. My immediate response to my friends via my phone was that I'm pretty sure I'll be amputating that arm. I don't think I said anything other than "no" and "I was just on my way to the bathroom" to him. Mostly he saw the side of my head as I was leaving his presence. My son was a bit anxious that his father would bother me, but I reassured him I was fine. After the third attempt, I did speak to the bartender and ask who the bouncers were, just to give him a head's up and he said he'd keep an eye on me, too.

As I said, I am not alone in this anymore. Thank God! And thank you for the wonderful mojo!!!!! I do appreciate it.

What a rollercoaster ...I'm sure my STBX is NPD. He is a nasty piece of work when we argue...sex life has always been weak because of his distractions with porn, EAs, and now the PA that is ending our 12 years together.

No real remorse about his four month "mistake" as he calls the PA with my former close friend.

But now...she, the OW, didn't want to keep him. I'm making him move out and the love-bombing is back on me. "he is here for me" He "has chosen me" "do you need a hug" - he says. He is sending me flowers, and more flowers, and apologizing in a rug-sweeping way "sorry my mistake hurt you" "You've made mistakes before right?".

I don't know why he is bothering now to kiss my ass...probably money. It is easy to come back to me and let me support your broke 40 year old ass...I guess... its hard not to feel/look like a bitch when someone is love-bombing you...but I will not get sucked in to this soul draining relationship again...My boys (6/8) deserve a happy peaceful home.

He had at least three EAs that I know of and loved to text what he would like to do to his hot coworkers in graphic detail to his cousins for a laugh. I've suffered a great deal of disrespect and ingratitude for a very long time!

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 4:46 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)]

Oh the love bombing. I remember the guilt and confusion over my decision to end our marriage when he started love bombing me. Like you at the time I held strong because our children were being damaged by his actions and they deserved to grow up in a peaceful safe home.

See the love bombing for the manipulation that it is. You are doing the right thing by saving yourself and your boys.

I just recently separated from my stbxwh and the love bombing is full on. Too bad I didn't get this apology speech years ago not that it would have changed his behavior.

Crazyblindsided, even if you had gotten the apology years ago, it would not have changed anything.

These types use words as tools, they do not mean the same thing to them as they do to us.

My x still does the occasional fishing expedition. Now though, I know it for what it is and I now I am not the only one he is trying to hook.

Best thing ever was when I changed my phone number. Better than blocking that you have to keep renewing every 90 days.

Then, he found me on facebook! He never used facebook! Separated 3 years and he still attempts this! Divorced over 2!

It really is just insane. This is like wayward behavior on steroids.

Be strong, don't forget what it really is.

I have kids with this idiot so it makes it hard to go NC, but I can limit how I engage.

He is now telling me how hard it is on him to not be talking

Do you think all serial cheaters are NPD?

But when that behavior (partying all night, spending every dime, etc.) continues into their mid/late-30s/40s, you really see that there is a deeper issue than just "growing up."

Or into their 60's. Cheating time and again, hurting people, then blame shifting.

I read an article that put it this way. Personality disordered are capable of the instant attraction, the limerance but incapable of the deeper bonding and empathy.

It makes sense. Are all serial cheaters NPD?

Even if they are not I think it is wise to distance yourself from them.

For me the damage from the years of emotional abuse far outweigh the infidelity. The infidelity was my wake up call. There was no way to minimize it. It was just the final straw.

Personality disordered are capable of the instant attraction

and therein lies my problem. I met my stbxwh 6 months after leaving a physically abusive relationship and my self-esteem was nill. Here comes Mr. Charming with his instant attraction and love bombing

I need to pick the opposite type of man. Making my therapy appt. like tomorrow!

This thread is so amazing because there are a ton of posts here that I could've written word for word.

I can't believe how similar our NPD partners are. It's uncanny. I also can't believe that I knew nothing about this disorder until I decided to leave my spouse and my IC mentioned he might be narcissistic. She gave me a web site to check out and off I went. I have read so much.

I have been trying to wrap my head around it ever since. I have almost had enough. Starting to work on me now that I have reached escape velocity (I think).

Honestgirl I am the same way I had no idea my stbxwh had this disorder until I made him see a therapist after Dday and she let me know he had a personality disorder. I didn't want to believe her at the time my bad.

I saw a therapist with my STBX - while he was cheating - and the therapist I guess didn't recognize it - and it is so obvious once you get distance. A lot of things that perplexed me and made me feel crazy and gaslighted now make sense.

They only care about themselves and how we make them look. I never understood why he was so obsessed with appearance, home, clothes, kids clothes etc. He is a male shopaholic and my 6 and 8 year old better not be wearing unmatching socks! He is never without q-tips to make sure the boys ears are clean - every day - so OCD NPD hell for me for years.

After cheating and being extremely nasty and brutally unkind to me he had the nerve to text me that he "hoped I never had to feel the way he felt" this was the day he packed his stuff to move to his apartment. He was hysterical the night the kids and I went trick-or-treating and didn't invite him.

Last night he called about the kids schedule. I said okay cool. Thanks. And he said have a goodnight before hanging up.

He then texted me after "I said goodnight". I ignored, but I think he was implying I was rude/abrupt by not saying the same. UGH.

I posted the dirty fighting techniques under the Divorce Board.

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 11:56 AM, December 20th (Tuesday)]