SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So what are you going to do now?

Draft a carefully worded email to say MC is getting us nowhere... we can try MC again IF he does his work in IC and has something new to tell me, but not before x months (will consult my IC on time). Then gray rock. Talk to WH only about the kids. Wait for 1 year separation required for no fault D. File.

It's sad because I think he does love his kids and they love him; he's overseas and will be lucky to see them twice a year for the next two years. However, I don't see how I could possibly join him overseas (as was planned before DDay) as things now are, and things aren't changing. The kids want to visit him there, but I just don't trust him and don't want to meet on his turf.

Wish I could talk to his IC about what I need him to do, because he seems to think he's already doing it and I feel it's not fair to quit without him understanding why. He might hear it coming from her.

But I guess that's not going to solve the problem underneath the problem. If he respects someone (IC, friend, author) everything they say is gospel. And he doesn't hear anything I am saying, until someone else tells him the same blessed thing I said. So what does that say about his respect for me?? Gross. I'm going to copy that last paragraph to my journal. I go along and think I'm detaching but when I read that circular pointless paragraph, I'm obviously still trying to fix him. Codependency is a bitch.

Thank you, WornDown, for pushing me. WH tells me I'm being unreasonable and as long as he's making me question myself my answer to what I'm going to do is nothing. Thanks for asking the hard questions (the only question really).

I'm sure I'll have an update on some outrageously jerky thing he does or says when I end MC (AKA The Hoover Sessions). I'd say "stay tuned" but I'm guessing you already know how this will go.

Good plan.

Anyone with a spouse with BPD keep it together?

I'm very suspicious that my Ww has BPD. No self harm stuff, but the moodyness, identity issues, overreacting to small issues, etc are there. It's like for 4 days she's in love and 1 day, nope I'm the worst because we just aren't compatible. Then the next 2 days, nevermind let's just work together, then half a day, I'm going to D you, I'm just awful with you. Then 2 days, you bring out the worst in me, then 3 days, I'm sorry I love you with lots of fun and care,you make me happy.

1.5 months ago, she went NC and has been working on herself making big changes. She has apologized profusely for the emotional abuse and verbal abuse and the affair. She is digging into her why's and we are doing MC together. It's hard though cause the typical BPD cycle continues, but with a lot less verbal and emotional abuse.

Recently, she has told me that she will get help from a psychiatrist (after an episode). And Look to see if she can be diagnosed and wants to work on herself if she does have a mental illness.

This of course gets my hopes up. This is my last big issue to commit to R as she is showing that she is a safe partner again. Wondering if anyone else went that rout and how it went.

[This message edited by RedHeadTemper at 3:07 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

RedHead, I'm watching and hoping someone comes along with a positive story for you.

According to the accessible literature, it would be a very small percentage (approaching zero by some accounts) of people who are actually diagnosed that can change. Of course, there are also many sources out there that say someone can have traits without having a full-blown diagnosable disorder, and there's not much to go on to tell how likely change is. So your wife could be anywhere along that theoretical spectrum.

Until then, I had two questions that maybe will be more important in the end (I feel they were for me):

Do you have any evidence that she, personally, is capable of the kind of introspection that would be required to get results in treating a personality disorder/PD traits? I've read that few PD's seek treatment and the ones that do spend more time manipulating the therapist than looking at themselves, to the point that it's hard to even diagnose them. That doesn't mean this characterizes your wife though. I found this question useful because my WH with NP traits is in IC and SAYS he's considering all possibilities and will do anything to fix things, but the minute he's asked to answer questions other than describing factual events or repeating lines from relationship books, he lashes out with the blame and the self-righteousness. It's like he's incapable of looking behind his own mask without self-inducing a huge narc injury. He can talk about this or that behavior being wrong, but never what is behind it. It's like he's a bomb, and real introspection is the detonator. So when my therapist asked me this, I answered no. When your wife says she'll look at possible BPD and treatment, have you seen any patterns of behavior to indicate that she really can/will?

Two, are you willing to stick around and see? If it's so hard for PD people to heal, you could be living with this for a long time. Is it something you're willing to deal with indefinitely as long as you see effort? Can you move forward with a partner who is not a genuinely whole and healthy person, as long as she can keep the behaviours within acceptable limits? I thought about this long and hard - for the sake of the kids, could I dedicate the rest of my life to someone who is scary, but is perfectly happy to stay behind his mask and act nice as long as I toe the line and don't question him? Can I live in basically a fake relationship? I decided no, I couldn't. Either he addresses what is really going on or I'm going to spend the rest of my life in fear of overstepping some invisible limit, wondering when the next discard will happen. For me the bottom line was 100% and nothing less. By 100% I don't mean perfection, but complete honesty and safety. Can you live with basically reformed actions but a core personality that is still the same? Maybe you can still feel safe with her, and in that case you're braver than me.

You may never know if she actually has BPD. Either way I guess it still leaves us BS's with the same 2 questions, can we live with this? And if not, based on all patterns of behavior from throughout our relationships, is there any potential at all for real change?

Bump

Really going to lose my mind. My STBX is so NPD delusional he makes me nuts. He has been consistently texting me every weekend. This weekend's text was basically blaming me for breaking up the family and what a nightmare I have made everything. Why can't he just leave me alone. My whole life with him has been a nightmare and I feel like he hasn't been a part of the family for the majority of it (always gone) so why would he start caring now? Why am I letting it make me feel guilty? I struggled with leaving because I didn't want to break up the family but my mental health was taking a toll. I am doing much better now that we are separated but his occasional texts send me down the rabbithole.

Redhead,

My SAWH was diagnosed as with BPD while in treatment a few months ago (with NPD traits). As soon as I read up on the illness, it was a huge ah-ha moment.

He has started dBT therapy, which is shown to have promising results, including "remission" although I don't know what remission looks like.

Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger?

There's a great video called "Back from the Edge" that is free online and worth watching.

There has been an effort to start a thread on this site for those with BDP partners, but the moderators have acted yet. We just need to keep asking for it. There are a few online forums dedicated to BDP. One called BDPFamily, but I found it difficult to navigate.

I recently submitted my name for a free course called "Family Connections" from the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality. It has a waitlist so I'm still a few months out from the class, I believe.

Good luck

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 2:15 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]