SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, secretsout -

I don’t have much more to add, but I wanted to just let you know that you’ve been heard and you’re not alone.

My experience was the same. Married for 20 years to a man I was head over heels in love with who I didn’t think I had the capacity to lie or cheat. Boy, was I wrong.

I found out on March 6, 2014 that he had a long history with prostitutes and he was also very active on a whore/John webpage where he would review the whores. It was all there in black-and-white for me to read. Over 4000 posts. Many years of seeing prostitutes during his lunch break at work. My world exploded that day.

I made a brief attempt at reconciliation, but I just couldn’t stomach it. He was so far removed from the man I thought he was. In my mind, he was nothing more than a rapist. Whatever cash he handed those women were the only thing That made it not "really" rape, but he was still having sex with women who didn’t want to have sex with him. Using young, probably trafficked women to get his rocks off. Fucking gross.

And then I just think about the lies, the lies, the lies, the betrayal, the not giving a fuck about my mental or physical health, the money he spent, funny funny jokes he must’ve shared with the other Johns about what a blind idiot his wife was.

Fuck that guy. I divorced him and didn’t look back. Yes, I’m still pissed off about the 20 years wasted, family I could’ve had but didn’t, the dream I had of growing old with my true love, all that.

But the bottom line is he was really truly just a piece of shit and he never deserved me, so I had to go. I hope you do, too.

Hello to all of you. I’m so sorry that y’all have reason to be here.

I think I may have posted here before, but it was a long time ago.

It’s been a long time since I went through what are you all are going through now. We have never reconciled. We never will. He is either able or unwilling to do so. And now he’s sick, and there are other things to focus on.

And I find that I am drawn to this forum for obvious reasons, but when I come here and read all of the stories for a while, I actually get physically sick. Of course, because I have been through it as well. But mostly because there are so many of you/us. So many hurt by this. It is overwhelming. That’s why I tend to stay away… It’s just SO much pain.

I’m just so sorry for all of us.

Hello!

Hope it’s ok to join here.

I found out my husband had seen a prostitute whilst staying away for work in February 2019 and tried to book another whilst working away in October 2019. I found an email on the joint iPad in January 2020 but also had a gut feeling too and something felt off in October 2019 when he was really eager to get going on the work trip. I found the account he was using and managed to change the password and log in.

He says to this day it was only the once (I know I know). Looking at bank accounts there was two withdrawals for £150 each time around these dates. He doesn’t withdraw cash at all. The second lot of cash was still in his wallet upon return.

Since finding out there was a lot of trickling of information. We have been in reconciliation. It had been going well until this last week. It’s coming up to the month I began to get suspicious. I’m not dealing with this very well. I tried to speak to him in person and he said he doesn’t know what to say. I tried again by text and received this response "I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to say. I know you want me to reassure you but I just don’t know how. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you . Sorry I know I’m useless and don’t deserve to have you in my life."

I raised it all again last night. His response was he doesn’t understand as things were going so well between us. He didn’t realise I was feeling this way. he loves me more than anything and he understands how much I am hurting. He would accept that the marriage is over due to his disgusting actions and would blame me for filing divorce. He is so ashamed of what he has done and he is struggling to deal with the hurt I am in and doesn’t know how he can make this any better. He said he hasn’t looked at anything since I found out and wouldn’t even look again. He broke down in tears I have never seen him cry before and said he has ruined our marriage and he has hurt me in ways he couldn’t imagine

Every hurting me and he is truly sorry for this.

In the beginning there was complete transparency over bank accounts, credit cards, social media etc. I feel this has lacked a little and will speak about this tonight.

The efforts he has made:

Change of job

Individual counselling

Marriage counselling but probably too soon

Not staying away

Running late, Calls me immediately and calls me on his way home for a chat.

He hasn’t been out with friends since but does see friends at home regularly.

If he is doing short day travelling for work he does call me during his drive. He tends to work out and about.

We use find my on the iOS

He has mentioned which triggered me, work have an opportunity to work away abroad for a job every year and he would like to do it. This was a bit sudden and I stopped in my tracks and didn’t know how to respond.

I feel like I’m stuck and not sure what to do. I don’t know if I’m being triggered atm or if something in my gut isn’t feeling right.

[This message edited by Justkeepgoing26 at 7:45 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

i have been married more than 40 years. By some definitions looking back I don’t think he was ever my definition of faithful. At that time it was escalating porn levels, then 20 years ago when our children became teens and his parents died it was massages with happy endings.

10+ years ago one of the massage workers about the age of our daughter offered full services. She was in a committed female relationship but wanted a man on the side. Her partner was aware of this arrangement and all were aware I was in the dark. At that time one of my parents was dying. He said they got it on a lot at first.. he just wanted sex. I was also very career focused and we had teens at home5 years later my other parent died. That was 7 years ago . I had been to the doctor in the meantime and thought I had the pain solved. In the past 7plus years he had health issues and turned his back on my feeble attempts saying he was in pain.

Just over a year ago I saw a hotel receipt for a weekend I was away and called him on it. I wanted us to get back in track.. there was some snuggling, but that’s it.. lots of excuses, he’s the alpha, I’m pressuring.

A few months ago I was away for another weekend and he was with her again. I was watching now. he said it was to say goodbye as it had been a long time and is over. All contact has been removed..it’s over. That is when he gave me access to all this financial info, his phone, and told me these details. I asked why he stopped.. he said it was going to cost him his marriage.

Recently, He gave me access to the credit card used and I can see nice restaurants and expensive king bed with jacuzzi hotel rooms 3 or so times a year reducing down to twice a year. I can’t see before 7 years, but that’s the pattern in that time.

I felt he had not been treating me well for quite a while..he said it wasn’t intentional. I could go on, but no effort or thought towards me for a long time. Eg Taking me to a restaurant is a roadhouse when I don’t want to cook and him scrolling his phone through dinner. I’m sure he behaved like that with her at the fine dining establishment.

I dragged him to a counselling.. he didn’t behave well. he had forgotten the appointment and was surprised when it was time to go. I continue counselling occasionally alone just to have someone to talk to. I do think there is very very bad behaviour here but he is starting to help around the house more.. being more thoughtful..he said if he didn’t care he would have left, there is lots of holding and snuggling at night. Something I’ve said I need.

Sex is an issue still but more on his side now. We tried.. and taken a break. It wasn’t good. I’ve told him I don’t like being treated like a massage worker only here to please him with no intimacy and no touching. With No warmup, I’m not gonna be warm. He struggles with performance. He can’t seem to touch me. He said it didn’t always work with her either.

We are planning a trip soon, he’s hoping that he can put this past behind him then.

I am planning to be patient for a year.. treating it like a new relationship, rebuilding. He said if things are still rough he will join me in counselling after the vacation.

there is a lot of good in our relationship, and he says it’s more than our financial situation social life and and respectable image, he cares, but he still needs to step up more I think.. and I am more focused on us, eg weekly date days, but so far they are my initiatives.

Communication continues to be an issue. I am insisting on weekly chats about us.. I’ve read it needs to be corralled. I know he’s not keen but listening and making minor comments. He thinks this is all I think about. Often it is… there are many triggers.

I have not seen much of this type of betrayal out there til this forum. Can it really be so transactional? For so long? Does that matter? He said one day, can’t he care for more than one person at a time? I said he can but can’t act on it. I now think it was the wrong answer as you shouldn’t allow yourself to get there..

why didn’t we talk and make changes instead of all this pain and damage. I told him I doubt I’ll ever blindly trust again. He said I never should do that with anyone.

Dont get me wrong, I love lots of parts of our life together, and the recent changes are great, but that last so called goodbye repeat is very challenging., it felt like a slap. weirdly more than the 20+ years of cheating before.. but that’s todays feeling. Some days the whole thing is overwhelming.

Is the hope for us or am I delusional?
Is this the right forum?
it started this way but continued for more than 10 years. Certainly they had to become at least caring friends.

[This message edited by BBlost at 8:14 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

BBlost If you were my friend and told me your situation, I would say to kick him out and let him earn his way back in. You need SPACE to determine what is best for you. I found it almost impossible to think clearly with my now ex in the home. Once he was gone, of course there was grieving, but also a sense of RELIEF I cannot even put in to words. If you aren’t able to get by financially without him, start putting money aside.

I’m so sorry for all you are dealing with. Mine also used "massage" parlors. Disgusting, stupid, SICK behavior. We deserve better. ♥️

I recently (about 9 weeks ago) caught my husband at a hotel getting a happy ending massage. He told me he had done it one more time and feels sick about it. Not sure he's as sick as me though. We are reconciling. This is so hard. When I waited in the parking lot for him to finish I wasn't sure what I would see and was already trying to figure out how to forgive him. Was also so hoping I would not see a full on affair. He was in for a little under an hour. I watched him walk out alone before confronting him. It was like in the movies and I turned into someone I never though I would be. Crazy woman yelling, screaming, and hitting. Anyone else have a similar story? Did you forgive? Are you ok?

[This message edited by everydayisHalloween at 9:07 AM, Wednesday, August 30th]