I spent some time looking up the legal definition(s) of "reconciliation". While you will get 10 slightly different answers if you look at 10 websites, they all boil down to some form of this:
"Reconciliation is the process of bringing 2 or more people/things into agreement/alignment.
So for example, reconciling your checkbook means you compare your checkbook with your bank statement in order to make sure they "agree" (Match) with each other. If they do not, then they are not reconciled.
Reconciling people means that the two (or more) people all agree on a particular set of terms/ideas to which diverse opinion/experience exists. For example, a kid breaks a neighbors window with a baseball, which causes tension with the neighbor. After the kid apologizes and pays for the bill, the two agree that the friendship can continue as normal.
I urge you all to do the same, to look up definitions. In every single case I've found, any definition of the word involves, at a minimum, TWO people/things/situations. Never ONE. Reconciliation is, at its heart, a divergent comparison, and an acceptable agreement on that comparison. By its very nature and definition, reconciliation CANNOT occur for only one person/entity, because it lacks a comparison/conflict, and a competing idea or experience.
Even if you "reconcile" within yourself, there are still, by the laws of nature, two things involved. "I wanted a cheeseburger, but reconciled with the idea of having a hot dog when I learned the burgers were dry tasting." In a case like this, there is only one person, whose thoughts are at odds with themselves. However the reconciliation was still to decide between two things.
Look, I don't mean to diminish the hard work of WS's who, for various reasons, simply cannot confess, or for whom circumstances have changed. For example, perhaps their spouse died, or left, or is in a coma? Maybe their BS has turned the tables and is threatening them or is dangerous somehow? In those cases, a WS simply has to do the best they can to work on themselves. And they make absolutely remarkable progress and go on to be respected people, it can and does happen. But that person still would not be reconciled with their spouse as a result. They just aren't. If we want to create a new topic called "WS's who have made positive personal progress" then by all means. But even then, how can someone who has not confessed to their spouse claim even so much as personal progress?
That being said...
I will accept FF's reconciliation story the day that his wife comes on SI and posts HER accounting of their successful reconciliation. Until that day, I see someone who cheated on his spouse, never told her, continues to not tell her and has no plans to ever tell her, claiming he has successfully reconciled with his wife who knows nothing about what she apparently just reconciled over or even the fact that she was betrayed to begin with. There is a word for people who don't tell the truth to anyone, not the people they love, the people that reach out to help them, or even themselves. There is another word for people who people who describe themselves in positive, grandiose terms in an attempt to make themselves feel better about the things they did, the lies they told and the people they hurt, but who are tired of having to carry that burden and would rather just consider themselves to be a stand-up person again. Neither of those words are "healed" or "reconciled".
What I do know is I am living my situation and no one else here is. I actually do know what's going on in my life and those of my family. You can only make inferences based upon your own experiences. If you think what I am doing is wrong, great. But I know what's in my mind and heart and I know that path I'm taking is the right one. If that doesn't fall into your definition of R, cool. But I know what really happening in my life. You do not.
Bullshit. Excuses. Misdirection. Justifications. Smarmy smugness. And dismissive to my wife. Here's what *I* know. I know that even though I don't know where you live, I do know that the grass is green and the sky is blue there, because that's how it is everywhere. I'm not there when you poop, but I know it stinks, because that's how it works for everyone. And I know you lied to and betrayed your wife, and did not, have not, and will not, ever, tell her, OR your kids. And that makes you a current, active, liar and betrayer. It does today. It will again tomorrow. You are as wayward as the day you got here, you have just learned what to say to get your attention kibbles here, positive or negative, but they are here. This is where you come when the guilt creeps in, and you can't face your wife but you can face us because we're faceless and don't matter.
You cannot be in a relationship, reconciled or otherwise, when you are actively lying to that person, and stealing their agency, their ability to decide for themselves what they want and what is acceptable. You keep saying that you know what is best for you and your family, but you are such a spineless, selfish coward that you will not allow them to make those decisions for themselves. There is nothing that is decent, noble, generous or kind in that. That is controlling, manipulative and downright evil, even more so now than during the affair, because now you know a lot more, have more support, and yet, still choose to be a betrayer and liar while coming here to tell us how much you've changed. You do not tell them because you are protecting yourself. You choose not to see that. The grass is green and the sky is blue. Just because you choose not to see it doesn't mean it's not true.
