SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What support is she giving you? Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald?

Yeah she heard the audio book of that last week. Along with work on the infidelity exercises in the "Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples." with me last week. She's also bought several books related to helping her overcome her childhood sexual trauma and is in therapy to better understand why she cheated. Plus she is paying for all MC sessions herself, which isn't covered under insurance or cheap.

We are still in early R but outside of that she's also apologized several times, including last night, and tried to reaffirm to me that I'm her priority.

Plus she does some random nice things for me like left a dozen sticky notes all over the house a few weeks ago with complements for me. Finally, my wife said she is preparing a few surprises for me for our anniversary/ fathers day this weekend.

I'm sure there are other things she's done that I'm forgetting but those are the big things that have stood out in the last 4 weeks.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 9:50 AM, Tuesday, June 13th]

Tav

Your comment about the alcoholism strongly indicate you don’t understand the illness…

Most think of an alcoholic as someone that starts the day with a drink and ends the day with a drink. An alcoholic can be someone that drinks once a year and only for a day. However – when they drink they don’t control their actions and they drink despite knowing they don’t control their actions. If you were drinking three days a week after you realized this wasn’t good for you or the marriage… you can be an alcoholic.
At the very least don’t dismiss AA and 12 step so easily. Maybe speak with a counselor?

This is an infidelity site and your wife did cheat. No denying that and I am in no way minimizing that. In fact on my very first post I made it clear that her decision to cheat was totally 100% on her. However it does sound like you are questioning the marriage based on her single action without properly addressing your issues that participated in getting your marriage to a bad place.

This is tough… I am NOT IN ANY WAY minimizing her affair. But you would not take the fact that your wife is no longer cheating as enough to dismiss or minimize the infidelity and work on the marriage. I’m just questioning if your handling of your drinking and the long-term effect that might have had on the marriage is being dismissed as easily?

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic that's helping me out. He went to AA and 12 Step and told me why it didn't work for him. I feel like it wouldn't for me for similar reasons.

My drinking is pretty much anxiety based. I've gone out with friends and my wife over the last few years and was able to stop drinking after a few beers. The main times I really struggled was when my anxiety was too high

That's why I feel focusing on that vs AA is going to help me more. But if I'm wrong on my theory I can always try AA down the road.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 12:44 PM, Tuesday, June 13th]

This is going to be tough but there are alcoholics in my extended family and they have used every excuse in the book. Including anxiety.

A doctor who works with alcoholics told a friend of mine that one fourth of the world’s population has the gene for the disease. You have to treat is as such. Any chronic disease needs daily help. Therapy in whatever form works for you. But find one.

Have you had a thorough checkup recently? If so I assume there was liver damage. Alcohol kills brain cells. The latest studies have found that there is no reason to ever consume it. It has no value to your overall health.

Please look after your one life.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:06 PM, Tuesday, June 13th]

I got blood work in October, no liver damage was detected. But my acid reflux is really bad now vs before my heavy drinking.

And yes my mom's side of the family are heavy drinkers. So there is some genetics tied to my illness, but anxiety is also really high as well in that family. I think the therapy I am taking to control my anxiety will be the best route, but I don't know for sure. I'm just doing what is working so far.

Even people in AA or rehab need to go through the programs multiple times on average until they overcome the main triggers causing alcoholism, or a reason to fully stop comes along that is more important than the reason to drink. So I really think the recovery process is more individual based vs taking a cookie cutter program that works for many but not all

That being said I'm officially 1 month sober, and I'm happy with my progress to date. It gets easier every day to not crave alcohol and stay away from it when I go out to dinner (like tonight) or after a stressful day

I'm officially one month sober.

THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!! Kudos to you!

Infidelity or not, this is a great milestone and I think you should celebrate this.

Great job!

ETA: My grandpa died of cirrhosis of the liver before I was born, so I've seen the devastation alcohol can have on a family. My youngest DS has a best friend whose mom died of cirrhosis of the liver at 51. So tragic.

[This message edited by leafields at 4:12 AM, Wednesday, June 14th]

FYI, to avoid confusion.

I believe, OW=other woman usually refers to a female AP. This would be if your wife were cheating with a woman.

The term for an APs wife is OBS or Other Betrayed Spouse.

With that said, what did the OBS say when she wrote to your wife?

Also if you are going to have a chance to succeed with R, your WW is going to have to come to understand why it was important for the OBS to be told about her WH’s cheating ways.

I wish you strength going forward.

That being said I'm officially 1 month sober, and I'm happy with my progress to date. It gets easier every day to not crave alcohol and stay away from it when I go out to dinner (like tonight) or after a stressful day

Nice! Keep it rolling.

Appreciate the kind words on the sobriety! Definitely a good weird not being drunk or buzzed for so long in a row, but I my mental and physical health is a lot better, so I don't see myself going back. Plus non-alcoholic beer is helping me when I miss the taste of an IPA, so I really don't get any cravings.

Also if you are going to have a chance to succeed with R, your WW is going to have to come to understand why it was important for the OBS to be told about her WH’s cheating ways.

Yes I definitely agree. I waited until she told me "I know what you are doing is the right thing to do, but I don't want feel the guilt of ruining two marriages" to send it. As soon as she admitted it was the right thing to do, I knew she would eventually forgive me for the action.

Just posting a bit of an update.

It is our anniversary tomorrow and definitely going to be a bittersweet day for me. It was 11 days before our anniversary last year that my WW began the online affair with the AP. It will be my goal to use all of the therapy lessons I have learned so far to stay in the moment, but I know forcing that thought out of my mind completely will be near impossible.

I've had some emotional days this week. On Monday I kind of broke down crying in front of my wife after watching a sad movie, and we both relayed our insecurities on if we are going to make it or not. She also apologized to me again that night for what she did and assured me I am her priority. Which was nice, but I do wish I could hear that more when things are good with us, not just when I am sad.

Tuesday we got our first ultrasound for the baby (all healthy so far), and as we were scheduling our next appointment I saw a lot of notifications from an app that I didn't recognize. I went home and did some research and was very sure it was the Signal app that I saw. I was so convinced that I began researching all the ways I could discover secret messages in the app and began looking up divorce lawyers because I expected to find the worst. When she got home I asked for her phone and looked up the signal app, seeing that it was never downloaded nor had she ever downloaded it before. I then looked through all of her apps and I think in hindsight it was the mail app that I saw the notifications in. Felt pretty bad and I freaked out my wife in the process. She was definitely shook for the rest of the evening and it felt like a set back for her progress.

However, we bounced back a little going to a comedy show yesterday. It was really good to be around her and laugh for a change. Earlier that day I told my therapist that I wasn't sure where we stood all the time and was confused by some of the things she has said to me about her feelings. He encouraged me to try to talk to her "while the iron was cold" and we were both in a low emotional state. So I asked her after the show if we could talk before bed.

During our talk last night I reiterated what I needed from her, which was to build trust again, have her get to a point where she feels she loves me, and to have her be a genuine partner with me (right now there is still a lot of actions being done on her end our of fear and guilt, which I know a lot of people wouldn't mind so long as they get they effort. But I am very sensitive about people saying and doing things because they want to, not because they feel forced).

While prying for her perspective, my wife said she needs more consistent actions from me in the things that I was not providing before in our marriage during my heavy drinking years. She also told me she always feels like I am constantly grading her actions (i.e. if I don't ask about something with work today he will turn that around on me in the future) and that she is always on egg shells with me, which makes it hard for her to settle into our relationships.

After some back and forth I reiterated to her several times that I recognize/appreciate her effort so far, and that I know she is going through negative emotions as well. I also said that I am not judging her, but I am looking for reassurance that it's only me she is interested in and for her to be a genuine partner for me. I wasn't looking for XYZ actions from her, just things that normal people would say and do for those they love.

I think it helped but it's definitely hard to have these types of conversations with her. She is always expecting me to make her feel like "a lazy piece of shit" (her words) and that she is failing in the recovery process. Even when I try to preface that I am just looking to get a status update on us, she comes into the conversation with a lot of emotion and expecting the worst.

The reconciliation process isn't linear. There's going to be setbacks, and horrible days.

She needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

She had a nearly year long affair,and you are weeks from dday. It's far too soon for her to have any expectations of you,except not to be abusive. She should be moving mountains to save her marriage.

Instead, she has you doing a pick me dance,and is manipulating you into believing you have to earn her trust and love.

The men who have the most successful chance at reconciliation, are aggressive in what they need. Not angry and cruel. But refuse to tolerate an ounce more of abuse. They tell their wives their requirements for them to consider reconciliation, and sit back and watch their wife's actions.

You are taking her on dates,and doing all kinds of loving things leading up to your anniversary. Most bs wouldn't consider celebrating their marriage a month from finding out their wife had an affair. She killed that marriage. Reconciliation is the process of rebuilding a new marriage.

Were you a bad husband while you were drinking? I'm sure you were. That doesn't mean it was ok,or understandable that she would cheat on you. She had options. She chose to cheat with a married man. This is not your fault.

You waited until she basically gave her permission, before you told her boyfriend's wife about his affair.

Eventually you will find your anger. It's ok to be mad. It's ok to hold her completely accountable. It's ok if she's sad. It's ok to do the right thing. It's ok to stop dancing.

The reconciliation process isn't linear. There's going to be setbacks, and horrible days.

She needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

She had a nearly year long affair,and you are weeks from dday. It's far too soon for her to have any expectations of you,except not to be abusive. She should be moving mountains to save her marriage.

Instead, she has you doing a pick me dance,and is manipulating you into believing you have to earn her trust and love.

The men who have the most successful chance at reconciliation, are aggressive in what they need. Not angry and cruel. But refuse to tolerate an ounce more of abuse. They tell their wives their requirements for them to consider reconciliation, and sit back and watch their wife's actions.

You are taking her on dates,and doing all kinds of loving things leading up to your anniversary. Most bs wouldn't consider celebrating their marriage a month from finding out their wife had an affair. She killed that marriage. Reconciliation is the process of rebuilding a new marriage.

Were you a bad husband while you were drinking? I'm sure you were. That doesn't mean it was ok,or understandable that she would cheat on you. She had options. She chose to cheat with a married man. This is not your fault.

You waited until she basically gave her permission, before you told her boyfriend's wife about his affair.

Eventually you will find your anger. It's ok to be mad. It's ok to hold her completely accountable. It's ok if she's sad. It's ok to do the right thing. It's ok to stop dancing.

Definitely hear what you are saying, and I am expecting setbacks along the way. But I still don't like having any on her end or mine, I am very much a move forward person.

And believe me I have been very forward about what I need from her and repetative too.

But I am not the type of guy who wants to make people feel sad, angry, scared or any other stressful emotions. If things don't work out I'd rather just walk away knowing I was a good guy who did the right things according to my morals. And with each day I am becoming more okay with going down either road in the R process (divorce or recovery). Its also getting easier to focus on myself and less on trying to be the one to fix things (I admittedly have a lot of control issues that is driving a lot of my extra effort).

That being said, my goal the last few weeks was to show what kind of husband I could be if we get to a good place in our new marriage. I will still do some nice things here and there for her, because I do believe the R process is going to involve both of us growing beyond what we were before the A. But I am planning to scale back a lot of effort on my end after this week.

Also I think another big reason I am doing more than most BS's is because I know if she isn't at least in a somewhat calm environment than I am not going to get the genuine effort from her that I need. Her efforts will always come from a place of fear or guilt, which is not going to allow us to hit the goal of R (which is still what I want at the end of the day).

[This message edited by Tav3n at 4:23 PM, Thursday, June 15th]

Your drinking problem hurt only her. But, her cheating problem not only hurt you but also another woman who had nothing to do with her or her marriage. So, don't let her put your issues and her issues on the same page. Your drinking problem is a completely different thing. Her attempt to bring your drinking problem during her affair related conversation is a clear indication of blame shifting and dragging you to her level. It can also be interpretated as she is sitting on the fence now. She doesn't yet realize what she did is far worse than your drinking problem. She ruined another woman's marriage who did no wrong to her. She also put her unborn baby at a risk of uncertain future. Your pick me dance, attempts to win her back and you repeatedly seeking assurances from a proven liar will not help you. She will say 'yes, you are my priority' and still abandon you if things go hard for her. She is,right now, completely unreliable and untrustworthy.

Focus on your drinking problem. That will help you a lot even if you end divorcing your wife. It's your wife's responsibility to focus on her issues if she wants to have a better life. You can't force her to become safer for you or for herself. That's not in your control.

she asked me for sex without any coersion on my end

This was a few pages back.

I am really really really hoping you used the wrong word here.

Coercion involves the use of force or threats.

That being said, my goal the last few weeks was to show what kind of husband I could be if we get to a good place in our new marriage. I will still do some nice things here and there for her, because I do believe the R process is going to involve both of us growing beyond what we were before the A. But I am planning to scale back a lot of effort on my end after this week

.

If you scale back your efforts then wouldn't she think you are going back to your old behavior? She might see this week's good husband play as just a temporary effort to make her stay in the marriage. You are not the first person to play a good new husband role after dday. Believe me, it never works. Because, this play is based on the belief that 'she cheated because I was a bad husband.' So, if I turn good she will stop cheating on me. But, it's not true. Her cheating had nothing to do with her husband. So, this pick me dance never works.

Also I think another big reason I am doing more than most BS's is because I know if she isn't at least in a somewhat calm environment than I am not going to get the genuine effort from her that I need.

You know what this is? This is you taking responsibility for her journey to become safer partner. If she fails then the blame is on you. Because then you failed in your responsibility. This is a doomed approach. It is not your responsibility to create the required environment for her recovery. It's HER'S. Only thing you should be doing is not put her in any danger.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 5:12 PM, Thursday, June 15th]

I know if she isn't at least in a somewhat calm environment than I am not going to get the genuine effort from her that I need. Her efforts will always come from a place of fear or guilt

Then this is part of the work SHE needs to be doing in IC. Your actions should never dictate the effort she is putting forward in healing the damage she caused. Meaning, if you are mad,she still tries. If you are sad, she still works a it. If you are triggering, she is helping you deal with that trigger.

She MUST be proactive in healing the damage she has caused.

If you are on the ground,crying, she needs to get down on the ground with you.

And if that's not who she is..and all of her behavior is going to be subjective to whatever you are feeling, or even later, just life stress, then you have no chance. She needs to do the hard work because she wants to be a safe partner, and better person.

You are very definitely doing the dance. Showing your wife what an amazing husband you are,literally days after finding out she had a year long affair...that's dancing,my friend.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:47 PM, Thursday, June 15th]

Tav3n,

Sorry my man - I realized that I posted this on the wrong thread (3 hours of sleep) and likely didn't make a lick of sense. My bad and I'm rooting for you.

[This message edited by kdj770 at 7:38 PM, Thursday, June 15th]

kdj770: you posted in wrong thread. Your intended thread is this-
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660266/i-fear-my-w-has-getting-a-crush-on-someonemicrocheating-/

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 5:18 PM, Thursday, June 15th]

If you scale back your efforts then wouldn't she think you are going back to your old behavior? She might see this week's good husband play as just a temporary effort to make her stay in the marriage. You are not the first person to play a good new husband role after dday. Believe me, it never works. Because, this play is based on the belief that 'she cheated because I was a bad husband.' So, if I turn good she will stop cheating on me. But, it's not true. Her cheating had nothing to do with her husband. So, this pick me dance never works.

No my old behavior was to completely ignore her when I was unhappy with us or stressed out in life. I still need to provide a level of support and consistency for her in order to 1) Take care of the baby (stress is super bad for pregnancy) and 2) help the recovery process.

Its been really a month of being the type of husband she wants (she has said this many times that I am acting this way). However, its also been me in the driver seat, and I need to switch over to the passanger seat of our R. I will be with her in the journey and help when reasonable, but I can't focus on the road anymore if you get many analogy.

Her cheating had way more to do with her inability to confront me when she was unhappy (again I didn't know my wife fell out of love with me for a 15 months before the R started). And her need for emotional support. I definitely hurt our marriage a lot with my drinking and being closed off in another room for the majority of my free time, but the decision to cheat was hers. I don't take responsibility and I am happy to keep repeating it here.

But my role moving forward is going to be more reactionary and with me controlling my anxiety/my interests and less on things to talk about/work on to fix our marriage.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:08 PM, Thursday, June 15th]