SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is an "online relationship" an EA? What does this even mean???

I feel so naïve in this world... someone has a 6 month "online relationship" ?? Supposedly this was "ended". States it was all about "fantasy" and didn't know her name. Does this type of thing really ever end? Will they continually desire whatever it was they were getting from this so-called relationship?

I don't even understand this. I feel so clueless about this.

A friend disclosed this to me and I was so shocked that I didn't know how to respond and was too shocked to ask further questions.

My story got a little (ok, extremely) long but I feel like we in the EA boat dont have a lot of information. When I look on the main forum and read stories like "My WH had 6 affairs over the last 20 years" I feel like such a lightweight....like, wow, my problems seem so small by comparison. But they are MY problems, and right now they are running MY life.

6 months ago, I got WH to agree to NC for a period of 6 months. During that time, I was supposed to examine my feelings about the "relationship" and so was he. We are in MC, and sometimes we have individual sessions with our MC, as well as the regular couple sessions.

In no time at all (a couple weeks, maybe) I became certain that there was NO PLACE in our marriage for this "friend." I told the MC the whole history of the relationship and he agreed with me, that OW seemed to be manipulating WH and playing on his KISA issues. He helped WH to see that OW was not a necessity in his life. And so reconciliation began.

WH is really a very good man, and normally a good husband. He is also possibly the least socially aware individual on the planet. In my less charitable moments, I call him "Captain Clueless". (I would like to have him tested for Asperger's, to tell the truth) There was a "perfect storm" of pent-up marital issues, job dis-satisfaction, latent personal issues, and an aggressive, manipulative OW that drew him in. NOT TO SAY THIS EXCUSES WHAT HE DID TO ME, but looking back, I can see why his need for what she offered was so powerful, and how he got drawn into the A.

So the A lasted only about 10-12 weeks. Because of the way it started, and Captain Clueless complete clueless-ness that it even was an affair, there was no sneaking around. Because I insisted on having access to everything they wrote, there was absolutely no expectation of privacy. Because OW was in another country, there was no possibility of physical contact. There was nothing sexual happening on his end (although I think she was trying to bring the relationship that way). So by objective standards, what I had to deal with was pretty mild.

But still..

He would not end the friendship, no matter what it was doing to me.

He practiced massive denial and completely minimized my feelings, saying I was "jealous over just a friendship"

He said horrible, unforgettable things about how much she meant to him TO MY FACE

He told her about our arguments, EVEN AFTER I ASKED HIM NOT TO, knowing full well I would find out and apparently not caring that I would

He told her he was there to protect her and save her, EVEN AFTER I ASKED HIM NOT TO, knowing full well I would read it

And carried on exactly as he pleased in this relationship, regardless of how badly I got hurt by his actions, all to feed his own ego.

It took me MONTHS to get him to see that I was not being petty and jealous, but that I had suffered greatly and gotten very hurt. He really did need it spelled out for him. He was completely mystified that telling me "She gives my life meaning" and "I can't live without her" would hurt me!

WarriorPrincess your story sounds so much like mine. And please don't downplay your hurt. He betrayed your trust and ignored your wishes. After DDay 1 for me I heard the same things "she affirms me, she's amazing, she's so easy to deal with" all while I was bawling my eyes out about how hurt I was. It took DDay 2 and my finding ILY and I miss you messages and being ready to leave to see real changes. Stay strong, create boundaries, and stick to them. So sorry you're here, but this is an amazing place.

Having a really bad day... Found out six weeks ago my WH was texting with a women from work, who I have know for years also. He told me it had only been going on for a couple of week, he had been giving her a ride to and from works also... I told him to cut all ties, the texting, the rides, etc... or our marriage was done, which he agreed to.

Things have been okay, I still have a trust issues with him right now, but I thought we where working on it. I knew it wasn't going to happen over night, the hurt is still there lingering in the background and some days, things just feel strained, like we are almost trying to hard. I know it's going to take time, I don't know if I have forgave him yet or not, I don't think I have, but I do love him and want to work things out.

My emotions are still everywhere, not sleeping, feel like on the verge of tears some days. My family thinks I'm been over resentful towards him, it was just texting don't you know.... well it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel totally betrayed, shocked, disappointed and again, having a hard time trusting him.

Every time his cell phone goes off, he's texting with someone, or he's late getting home, the warning bells go off.

Some days I just down right hate him...he told her all about the problems in our marriage, I have had a lot of family issue over the last few months, a death, a stroke, and a very sick brother, that until last week wasn't given very long to live unless he received a transplant, (which thank God isn't the case anymore.. I look at this as the silver lining!!) I wasn't there for him, he wasn't getting any attention from me, and that is why he starting texting her... it took everything I had not to bash his face in when he told me this... all the crap that I had been going through... and I wasn't there emotionally for HIM!!!! Where the hell was he when I was up all hours of the night needing some one to help me through the stress of what had been happening... oh yeah... soundly sleeping in bed... try to talk to him about it... he didn't want to hear about it.. it was depressing... REALLY??? Didn't have a clue.. sorry.. venting.. it's the anger coming out again...

The texts still burn a hole in my mind...he told me it's stopped, but I have to go on his word for that.. his phone automatically deletes any message, I've checked, believe me... at least the phone isn't constantly beside him anymore... I hate the friggin thing...mine is always out.. I don't hid it... don't care.. there's nothing on it that would make me want to hid it...

Last night I went on his phone to get a couple of numbers of his coworkers for a surprise birthday party I was going to have for him... I found all her contact info still on his phone... it this has stopped, why does he still have he info on there.. I deleted it... no harm right...

This morning he called me from work, grumpy as hell, asked him what was wrong... nothing's wrong... called again... still grumpy.. I'm not say a thing about deleting her info... letting him come clean with me... he's called six times today.. just to see what I'm up to... warning bells are going off.. just called again...what would you think??

I'm trying to trust him.. again.. it's going to take time.. but now I'm looking back at the last six weeks thinking of every little thing... He bought me flowers for Valentine's Day and brought them into work... hadn't bought me flowers in 10 years... now all I'm thinking is why???

I honestly wished he would have slept with her, it would have been easier to get over than this... I just want to stop stressing over every little thing and enjoy life again... but if I confront him, it's going to start another fight, and I just can't do that right now... I'm just so tired of this... I'm so tired of being on edge all the time...

It is nice to know I'm not alone....I was reading some of the posts on here and thought, yep.. I can relate to that... is the trust ever going to come back???

I found out about my husbands emotional and sexually explicit through photos affair with a 20 year old while I was 7-8 months pregnant with our first child 5 days ago, but happened nearly two years previous. I want to believe it never got physical and begin to move on, but I can't help but think it has to have been more than pictures and self touching. He told me he is proud of himself for not taking it further, that that would've been hard for any guy. Insert eye roll here.

Speaking of boundaries, what sort of boundaries do you establish for an EA? I am pretty sure he would never actually sleep with somebody (but then who really knows?). Establishing boundaries that make sense for a PA seems relatively straightforward, but EA's are such a slippery slope.

Also, I wonder if anybody has had this experience:

He broke our vows once, in having an EA. Now I feel a little nervous and scared that he will do it again and do it more blatantly next time, maybe even taking it to a physical level.

I seriously don't have the answer to that, and I wish that I did. Like you, WarriorPrincess, I don't think my WH would ever go so far as to have a PA... but his lack of boundaries get him into situations like this ALL THE TIME, and I'm not going to live with an axe hanging over my head, because there WILL be "a next time" if he doesn't step up to the plate and fix himself.

And I'm not willing to put up with that.

17 days post-discovery. I'm a little calmer but I'm still not sleeping well (though what little I can manage is mostly restful) and my appetite has fallen to nearly nothing. My stomach hurts, mostly. That hasn't gone away. I want to cry, but find that I can't. I think that the last 2 weeks have made me "cried out", I guess. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.

I want to talk, and yet when I get the opportunity, I just clam up. I mean... what can I really say?

The long and short of it is that he hasn't and continues not to do what I ask him to do, which is to get rid of the OP by any means necessary. They're still texting (although he does show me the messages now willingly) - it's mainly about work stuff but there's still personal conversation mixed in, and that's not okay with me.

I made it very clear to the MC this week that this was an absolute dealbreaker if it didn't stop. And I mean it.

Sometimes I really hate him, though. Especially when he's laying in bed fast asleep, like he is right now. It's like.... how do you sleep at night, knowing what you did to me?

The talk about boundaries can be started by reading, "Not Just Friends."

Unfortunately, with EA's, it's so easy for the WS to brush it off as unimportant, "just a friendship," something that has nothing to do with the marriage.

Couldn't be further from the truth.

Took my husband's second trip down the rabbit hole to realize what a self obsessed asshole he had become. He saw my utter devastation (when I discovered the loving emails with this girl almost forty years his junior!). I thought my marriage was over. I actually called my family for support - that's HUGE and a clear indicator that I was done with him. I never have involved my mom and brothers in my personal affairs. It snapped him out of it.

He wakes up every day now with the realization that he is lucky that I gave him a second chance. Seems I took the path of "risking the marriage to save it, " without even knowing I was doing it.

One thing I've learned here on SI, you've got to show that you value yourself first and foremost. That you are willing to continue your life without them if they cannot be a safe partner for you. It's incredibly difficult, for many reasons, but it's the only way there's a chance of snapping the WS out of their affair behavior.

WarriorPrincess the boundaries I set with my WH is no contact period!!! Be civil at work, but it stays there!! We live in a small town, I work retail, I know people who work with my husband, stuff gets back to me... he know this. I hate to say, but I have a friend from high school who works in the same building... she's aware of what is going on, and lets me know... so far so good. Apparently, this isn't the first time this woman has pulled this.... she did it to another couple, but it went from an EA to a PA, and as soon as the WH left his wife, the OW left him. It was about 5 years ago, the couple managed to work it out... she heard what was going on, and warned me. They weren't the first ones either...the OW has a long history. Why is there people like that in the world?? I could just choke her, my life isn't here for her amusement.

[This message edited by shopaula at 9:49 AM, February 29th (Monday)]

Shopaula

I hear you when talk about the woman who had a history of engaging in EAs with married men. I could easily have been that person. I had an online EA (about which I'll discuss further in a separate thread). In the aftermath as I am becoming more self-aware I realize that I have an almost insatiable need for attention, approval and validation especially from men. My H gave me all the love and attention anyone ever could but due to my history of absue and neglect not him nor anyone other than myself could ever fill the void that is in me. This is not to excuse my behavior or the behavior of that woman you discussed. This is one possible reason behind an EA. I risked so much just so that I could feel wanted, special and I believed that I could not live without the attention of the other man. I was caught by my H and once the fog went away I had to do some deep soul searching to understand myself and to ensure that I would never put myself in a situation where I could find myself in an EA again.

I am on IC and I'm working on developing healthy boundaries and especially on understanding that I have to believe that I am a good person, I have to learn to love myself so that I don't go around looking for validation elsewhere. I have to believe when my H tells me he loves me. I have to believe that I must be lovable enough as he has given me the gift of a second chance. It's been a process but I'm slowly getting there. I hope this is somewhat helpful. I will always regret my EA but I have decided to learn from it and to make the changes I need to make. I have to overcome my FOO issues and work on myself now. The EA I had was not with a married man but I will never know whether it could've easily have been with a married one. At the time I believed I needed that person. I'm glad that at least I didn't destroy another marriage, sadly I did change mine forever.

[This message edited by Molly2016 at 10:12 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

One of WH's managers died unexpectedly on the 23rd - he was close to our age (only a week older than I am), and I think that it's thrown WH for a loop, because he's been downcast, contemplative... and much more attentive than usual. He took me out to dinner on Sunday after my therapy session... bought me a card, a little chocolate heart... little things, but things that he used to do when we first started dating.

The wake/funeral was yesterday evening. When I checked his work phone, there was a series of messages from the OW, offering him everything from "a shoulder to cry on" (blech) to a ride up to the funeral home. God, has that woman NO decency?

(Don't answer that. If she did, she wouldn't be an OW.)

Anyhow, it was pretty clear that WH was blowing her off - he didn't answer most of the messages, and when he DID answer, it was pretty much a dismissive "I don't need your help". It's the first positive sign that I've seen in nearly 3 weeks that this ugliness is beginning to come to an end. I'm still waiting for him to go completely NC, but it may be difficult because of the work situation.

His supervisor DOES know about it and I think they may be trying to make arrangements to move him out of her proximity. God, I hope so.

He's done a complete turnaround as far as the transparency. It's all available on demand, though he did complain (mildly) that it 'bothers him'. Well, hey, it bothers me to be the marriage police. Try not cheating on me next time.

Next MC session is on Saturday. We've done individual homework packs and I think it's going to be the session where she starts to lay out a plan. I'm looking forward to that. All indications say that this marriage can be saved. I'm hoping so, because deep down I do want R. I know he does. But it's hard for me to verbally commit to that right now. I'm so hurt.

I'm still having difficulty with crying and mood swings, though it's under control at work (which is where it matters).

I'm posting here because we're not heading for D/S, but at the same time I don't consider us fully in R - NC has to happen for that (or the closest we can get), and he hasn't totally committed to it. I guess limbo is the correct word for it.

Hope my teammates in this section are doing well today.

My H gave me all the love and attention anyone ever could but due to my history of absue and neglect not him nor anyone other than myself could ever fill the void that is in me. This is not to excuse my behavior or the behavior of that woman you discussed. This is one possible reason behind an EA.

I am on IC and I'm working on developing healthy boundaries and especially on understanding that I have to believe that I am a good person, I have to learn to love myself so that I don't go around looking for validation elsewhere.

Molly2016, thank you for the above insights. My WH is also a victim of extensive child abuse and there's a lot of indication that he falls into these patterns because of it. It doesn't excuse his A, of course, never will - but it may explain why these things are (and keep) happening to him. I already know that he doesn't value himself or his abilities - he's as much told me so.

One of the questions our MC asked me to answer was to describe WH's hopes and dreams.... and I COULDN'T. I literally had no idea of what to tell her.

Later, when I asked WH the same question, he said that he'd "given up on hopes and dreams long ago". I was so sad when he said that. Clearly the voice of the abused child.

Lots of work to be done yet. But I think that these points definitely illustrate one possible reason why these things might happen.

Thanks.

Hey, gang!

I just felt like I wanted to post a little update.

First of all, I Facebook messaged both OW and her husband. At first I couldn't get WH to agree to NC, but I got him to admit to a 6 months trial period. That would end March 1. As that date got close, I began getting very antsy and worrying that she would initiate contact again. So I took the bull by the horns, as they say....

I told OW that first off that she would not be hearing from my husband any more. I told her I had known all along that she had meant to disrupt my marriage (what else would it mean when she was sending my husband love songs). I called her out for being manipulative and sneaky. I told her how fast WH started getting over her. I reestablished my position as THE only woman WH wants or needs. I told her that, whether the stuff she told WH was true or not, she was a train wreck and needed help. I also told her that her marriage and personal issues were not our problem and that she should quit messing around with other women's husbands. Finally I told her to put on her big girl panties, quit being such a waste of oxygen, and make some changes in her life.

I told OWH everything his wife had said about him. I explained how she had drawn my WH into this fiasco and how it had hurt both of our marriages. I encouraged him to get her some help.

As soon as I hit SEND, I blocked both of them. I said what I had to say, and it is over.

Am I glad I did it? YES! It made the 6 month hiatus into permanent NC. It put an end to my fear of her trying to contact him. I finally got the chance to tell her what I thought of her. I got closure.

Writing the letters was interesting and therapeutic, as I considered what I wanted to say and how to say it. But as long as they were just sitting in my diary, they didn't have any power. By actually sending them, I took control of the situation. I didn't have any control over anything that was happening during the damn affair, but BY GOD, I took control of the ending. I got to sound the final death knell for the relationship, AND IT FELT DAMN GOOD!

Interestingly, in writing the letters, my opinion of her changed. I have mentioned here before I don't believe a lot of the stuff she told WH really happened, and I told her that. But then I thought, what kind of person would make that up? And if it was true, why spill all of it to a virtual stranger?

I concluded that, whether the stories were true or not, THIS GIRL HAS PROBLEMS. Thinking about this made me think of my mother. Mom was a deeply troubled woman who was (apparently) molested by her father, and in turn molested both me and my son. My mother was desperate for attention, especially male attention, and inserted herself inappropriately into all of my relationships. She was that creepy mother who was constantly flirting with all her daughter's boyfriends, even going so far as to develop a deep and very bizarre relationship with my first ex-boyfriend.

My mother was extremely manipulative, constantly playing the "pathetic" card to guilt-trip people into doing her bidding. A very similar dynamic to what OW was pulling. And WH fell for Mom's bullshit, every single time. Even when he KNEW he was being played, he couldn't resist.

Not that her personal issues, whatever they are, justify here sticking her nose into my (or anyone's) marriage. But I see now that she probably isn't vicious, just broken and pathetic. I don't hate her any more, i just feel sorry for her.

[This message edited by WarriorPrincess at 5:38 AM, March 12th (Saturday)]

I don't understand how the law, at least in this country, doesn't consider an EA or sexting grounds for divorce. They don't consider it infidelity. It's grounds for irreconcilable differences but that's it. That's a crock in you ask me

I will edit this later. But my kid just turned up wanting lunch so i better go for the moment.

i go through life bombarded by thoughts i dont want. Every day, so many times a day. Sometimes i dont even know what triggers it. The other day I heard "Big Girls Don't Cry" which of course reminded me of crying, which reminded me of all the trumoil last summer, which set me off again. then I was plagued by those same thoughts all th rest of the day.

Erin

At class the other night, we were taling about the psychological process a person goes through after an assault, which is pretty much te same as for any trauma. And it reminded me of what I went through and felt like.....here we go again

Erin

its constant. the only thing that seems to have changed is I am better at ignoring the pain for a longer time. The thoghts come and go all day long. Its like Union Station in my head. Only now, I dont have to dwell on them so much. I can let them go more easily. But it hardly maters because letting go of one thought just makes space for another one.

Erin

And no one individual thought gets through to me as much. Sometimes it seems like time is easing the pain. But by the time i get to the hundredth thought in a day,my defenses wear down and I realize the pain is just as strong as ever. its just me holding it all back. Its like there is a huge dam and I have to hold it up all by myself. I can do it most days but it takes energy. And days like today, I have none. The pain comes leaking in around the dam and it feels like i am going to drown

wanted to do an update... Things were going great until last week.... all hell broke loose.

My husband was staying away, keeping it professional with the OW... she asked him to come look at a side job, she wants to put her house up for sale, and my WH didn't think anything of it, and and went to her house... without telling me.. looked at the job, gave her a price, and came home... ERRRRRRRR. While he was there, her ex showed up, and then came back after my husband left.... she told her ex he was sleeping with both of them (she has been telling others also). I know my husband, he caught his first wife red handed, we always had a pack, break it off first, other person after...I'm mad at him going to her house.. even if it was for a job, which never would have happened.. I just wish he would give his head a shake... He is so naïve and takes everyone at face value.. the are a nice person, they wouldn't do that, and that's both male and female...

Long story short... her ex comes into my workplace, I'm not there and tells my boss that I need to get my husband on a shorter leash... him and her are trying to get back together.. etc.. etc.. etc.. I ended up taking the week off to deal with all this crap, her ex asks my boss out for coffee the next day, and keeps coming back in...

Now someone is leaving letters there for me, no idea if it is him or her or both... my husband knows I'm upset... this should never have been brought into my workplace.. he's trying to figure out who keeps leaving these letters..so he calls her to find out what is going on.. gets her sob story about her crazy ex.. now he's worried that the guy is coming after him... etc..

I've been having panic attacks all week, my stress is through the roof, I'm now starting to worry about my health.. I'm not sleeping... my life is a mess..

big fight with DH last night.. again over her crap...I know he loves me... but how do I get him to open his eyes about what this OW is doing.. she told a friend of mine she was going to break up our marriage...my friend told DH and he still doesn't believe it... I'm at a loss....

My husband had an EA/PA nine months after we were married. He did not admit to the A until 6 months later but I was disgusted and broken. I was in my third trimester, pregnant with our first child when he told me. I did not want to believe it.

He befriended a woman at work as they have similar interest as musicians. When she was texting him selfies at 11pm I immediately fell suspicious. He assured me nothing was going on. In an attempt to be supportive of his music I trusted him and was always understanding of the time they spent together. The OW is in an open marriage herself and my husband told me on multiple occasions hearing her husband having relations with others in the bedroom while they were in the other room. Writing this now I feel like an idiot for not immediately insisting he sever ties with this woman.

Alas, we are 2 1/2 years into our marriage with a DS and every couple months I find myself falling into a deep depression over the affair. We are searching for a counselor and I think, maybe I want to stay in the marriage but as unhappy as I find myself these days I need serious IC before I can make a clear decision.

I also found out my husband was supposey having an ea. I do not believe him. I dont think i can believe a word that comes out of his mouth. But at the same time i want to believe him. Im stuck between d and r

Just dont know what to do.

My H of almost 50 yrs got himself involved in an EA with a little gold digger less than half his age. He refuses to admit that it is any kind of "affair" because he hasn't slept with her. When you refer to someone as your "girlfriend" and tell them you love them when you are married to someone else....it is an AFFAIR.

We are in couples therapy and the therapist keeps telling him (did I forget to mention that she is a addict currently on Methadone) that all this woman wants is money, etc. from him. Also told him he should not trust her as she could be doing this with any number of other men, and that she was someone who used you til there was nothing left. He has already given her a good deal of money, paid her cell bill (so that they can keep texting), and sends her little care packages.

This has been going on for a couple of years now. He tells me he loves me, that he won't have any contact with her and a couple of months down the road he is back texting her. I've offered him a divorce at least 3 times and he says no, and then always adds "not yet". I know I'm being played, but I just don't want to give up on 50 years of my life. This man used to be someone I could trust completely. He has changed dramatically since his involvement with her. I know that man is in there somewhere, every so often he comes out.

Sorry this is so long, yet there is so much more to say. I think this site may be what holds me together. I go between crying, feeling strong enough to walk away, and just plain the depths of hell. This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't still love the stupid ass.

I guess I am part of this club now too I had suspected my H was becoming far too involved with a coworker and had spoken to him about it. I had seen text messages from him to her saying 'love you' at the end. He claimed it was just how they spoke to each other. I told him it made me feel like crap and asked him to stop, he said he would but I didn't believe him so continued to check his texts. A couple of weeks ago I found one that said 'I love you so much' that was it. I confronted him and it all came out. He had become infatuated with her. He told me there was nothing else in it, that she has not reciprocated any feelings, this did not make me feel any better. There has been lots of crying from both of us and lots of anger from me. He cannot cut off all ties as he works with her but has agreed to cut off any outside contact without my approval. I'm struggling every day. I have never felt so raw and desperate. He has apologised and owned his stupidity and we are trying to work through this and I understand that it is still very new and we have a lot to go through but this rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting. Some days all I want to do is be as close to him as possible, then I hate myself for being so weak and others everything he does irritates me and I hate him and I feel like an evil bitch