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And what you are left with now, is knowing that you did all that for nothing, and that you were ASKED to do it and they knew it was for nothing.

We had a very close friend who helped us all the way through our fake R. We both felt betrayed. It was all an act. Feeling remorseful, not caring about the OW. It's sad to know people could do such damage to another human being and feel nothing.

Bumped to reactivate thread.

I hate that I have to join the club....

Wh had sexual contact with his brothers wife during a family vacation. It was, as far as I know, a one time thing. My in-laws were there, my 14 year old son, and their 1 year old.

I am fairly certain he did not have sex with her that day. I do know, from what I saw, sexual arousal and “grinding” were involved.

Somehow she has positioned herself as the victim in all of this. My two children, myself, and wh are no longer welcome because it makes her feel uncomfortable. She feels as if she is responsible for the state of our marriage and it makes her feel bad to be near us.

We have now been excluded from all family gatherings. I have been a part of this family for over 20 years. Her husband, my wh’s brother, was in elementary school when we got married!

I don’t know how she managed this? I don’t know how she got everyone on her side to see her as the victim. This is the only family I have. The only family my children have. Now, because of two dumbass people and their choices I have lost everything...

My sanity

My self worth

My marriage

My ability to trust

My family

My kids have lost it all too. No more family Christmas, thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant ... etc.

I just don’t know how I ended up here.

I have never posted before. I am new to this site but D-Day was Sept 2017. We had been married 18 years together for 24 years (high school)

My WW was in a long term emotional affair with my brother. Since before we were married. It became an A 1 month before D-Day. I found out when I became suspicious of how they were treating each other at a get together of my family at our house for my birthday. I looked through her computer and found deleted texts and some pictures (which she always refused to text me).

I confronted her but couldn’t stand to confront him without blowing up. She and I met on a dark country road reconciled that night. And she called me out on a long history of sexual abuse of her that she has had to suffer through since the beginning of our relationship. I had not been a good husband or partner sexually or emotionally for all of our marriage. We took a step back from our marriage and decided to date while we worked on ourselves and our relationship. We reached out to our pastor who starts MC that night and both she and I started IC. At his recommendation, we agreed to be in an NC with my brother.

The first 6 months were difficult but we made it through though there were several episodes of contact some that I have only recently found out about, and an awkward whole family Christmas. We renewed our vows and both were baptized on New Year's Eve the day after the last known contact between them. She said she was just checking on him after the awkward Christmas, and to tell him that we were happy together.

I have been so happy without new marriage everything has been going overall great. We have forgiven each other. The marriage was new our treatment of each other has changed in every way time spent, attention to each other, emotionally and sexually. When I look into her eyes I see love and more love than ever before this. But I have still been on an emotional rollercoaster suicidal several times due to self-worth issues. I have never attempted. I have talked with my counselor about this and am still working on me.

This feels like a jumble of information, but… somedays it still feels jumbled in my head. My parents had passed separately in the 2 years before D-day. Prior to this I would have said my family was the most important thing in my life, brother sisters, etc. I spent every holiday in hoe town. Lived in home town for many of the years of our marriage. I would have said that my brother was the best friend I had, he was my Best man at the wedding there was no competition for the position. He is 6 years older and I have looked up to him for my entire life. He has always been the guy I wanted to live up to, to impress. I thought he felt the same way. But post-D-day of course, everything has changed. I feel like, for the most part, my siblings have tried to sweep it under the rug. They want me to try to behave as nothing happened. No one has confronted him or talked to him. I have tried to reconnect for many reasons some good some bad. One was our kids. We have 4 kids and only 1 knows because she was a teen at the time of the A and we knew she would notice and figure out and resent not knowing the truth. The other 3 boys don’t and they have always been very connected to him. He has always been and still seems to be a great uncle. Our NC was never full or complete. We have shared family threads with kids and adults on messenger and apple messages. There has been continued conversation on these since the beginning. I can see all the messages on there, but it has always felt like a way to stay connected, though she denies that.

This month I was looking through emails and for some reason, Gmail popped up several drafts of a “goodbye” letter she sent to him 1 month after D-Day. It revealed some stuff that was old but opened up new wounds. And some brand new information. Like the fact she decided to reconcile with me because “she made a commitment all those years ago, even if my heart wasn’t in it”. She says in it that “As I said, I will always love you no matter what happened.” We had the biggest fight we have had since the last known contact- new year’s eve, eve 2017. She feels it is all in the past and old news. She says she doesn’t feel this way anymore and she just wants to continue our life. In, some ways it feels like I was living a lie, am living a lie. Why did I have to find that F-ing letter?

I don’t want to keep bringing it up because it sends her into a spiral of shame and then I spiral as well because it makes me feel terrible. I don’t know how to fully explain it to her. Honestly, I have always thought they made a better couple than me and her, I have several times asked her to leave me and go be with him so that She doesn’t have to keep being on this roller coaster with me.

How can I ever feel secure? Is there hope…. Sometimes I feel like there is hope sometimes not… Right now I feel like…. maybe… But I am cycling from feeling like "I can't believe I would question her anymore" to... spending hours at night trying to find keylogger apps for iPhones...

[This message edited by Mltakagu at 9:58 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Mltakagu,

You might want to think about posting your story in another forum such as JFO or General. This one doesn't seem to get much feedback and you seem to need some insight. I am sorry that I cannot offer any words for you.

Flnightmare - I'm really sorry you are here, and I know I can certainly relate to the absolute feeling of shock that it happened. "How is this my life now!?" plays in my head on repeat.

My situation wasn't family, but it was an extremely close friend (ONS) plus an acquaintance (brief PA, actually just before the ONS - link to full f'ed up story in my signature, LOL!). The ONS woman was like a sister to me - she and her ex-H were major family support for us during pregnancies, new babies, birthdays, travel together, etc. They were basically family.

Three people betrayed me. My husband, obviously. The one OW was not a close friend, but still! Ugh. To hell with her, she never meant much to me, but we were friends. But the other was one of my dearest friends, so I am struggling to let go of that friendship. You would think it would be easy, but it was hard to throw away 13 years of friendship over one stupid drunken night they both regret. I have to mourn that loss as well, and it's complicated. She was very remorseful, but it's over. Her ex-H was like a brother to me, and was even my FWH's work partner for a number of years! They were divorced when the ONS happened but it was still a betrayal of that friendship. It's hard to know my FWH did that to his friend. He is incredibly remorseful, but wow what a triple-shit-move!... Cheat on me.... cost me a friendship... shit on your friend. So awful.

Also there was about a year between the two back-to-back A's and my D-Day. During that time there were a couple social situations that included me and both women, and even one party where all three of us were there. FWH didn't avoid these situations because it would have been odd and required explanation. He (all of them) were just trying to pretend it never happened. So I got to feel like an epic FOOL, though not knowing it at the time.

The double betrayal is the worst. I truly hope that time slowly heals things for you and your entire family. How is your brother-in-law handling it, how is he feeling toward his brother, your H? It's pretty selfish of her to make it about her. I see him as another hurt party, just like you. Do you have a friendship with him to know how he is holding up? Or does he just blame his brother?

Mltakagu - I read your story on another subforum and saw you got some good honest feedback. It does seem like maybe you both rushed R - understandable when both parties just want to move on. The healing can't be rushed. But I think you still have reason to be hopeful!

I know my story isn't a DB per se but I feel betrayed by my bestfriend nonetheless.

September 2019 I woke up in the middle of the night and realized my WH didn't come home and I called him, no answer, I texted him, no answer. I had a bad feeling so I hacked his iCloud and find his location. He's in an apartment building and this is the second time I found him there (first time he told me it was his friend's apartment and I foolishly believed him) but this time I know something is wrong. He came home 2 hours later saying he fell asleep downstairs and I run to his car and feel the hood is still hot, he confessed he's been to his friend's apartment and was afraid to tell me because I wouldn't allow him to stay over at his friend's place.

We had a huge fight and I told him I can't live with a liar, been saying this since 2008 to him, he cried saying he was sorry and I told him to fuck off. I didn't speak to him the next day and then he called my bestfriend and told her as below:

1. He had an affair with someone from my junior high school, mentioned her name.

2. He really fell with this woman, a few women before her was just flings.

3. The apartment is actually her place

4. I'm violent

5. He doesn't want to have kids with me (while in fact I say this to him all the time "I want kids but not with you and it hurts his feelings)

My bestfriend didn't tell me any of this and told my other bestfriend to just stay out of my marriage problems. After DDay she told me she didn't believe any of my WH's stories and choose to ignore it yet she checked out the OW through my other friends who went to junior high with me also.

I can't help but to feel betrayed by my bestfriend, what if it was her husband who confided in me that he had an affair? Would she want me to stay silent? I highly doubt it. I can never trust her again after that.

Did/does your WS use "we" when talking about the AP?

I wanted to put this out here where others that may be suspecting a db type a. Where some flags are right in front of you and your gut is saying this doesn't add up.

For me, during the a, this behavior was giving me a gut feeling something was up in the way he was viewing and attaching to her. Looking back, his words were reflecting his thoughts about her - in his mind, there was a "we" that didn't involve me.

The "we" comments he made were part of giving me a re-cap of his day. He wasn't allowed to talk about his work, so he talked about her. He had a lot to say about her. It made me wonder if he got much work done The "we"s were especially irksome when he was relating how great her opinion was on some facet of life that I disagreed with and told him I disagreed. He'd let me know that "we" agreed. Well, you should be interested in discussing our difference of opinion since I'm the one you vowed to be M'd to, not her.

When my fwh had intense contact with the ow every day for 8+hours, 40+hours a week, for 2 months, that's when these "we" comments were the worst.

Earlydetour, I definitely stew over the warning signs in retrospect. My situation was different than most (my partner was long distance, affair was allegedly a handful of far apart drunken night stands and not romantic). But my XFriend definitely got off on subtly referencing shady things and I never suspected anything because I never thought I couldn’t trust him with her.

TL;DR for my own situation: How do you handle mutual friends, social media/photos?

About 10 months post D-day. Working on reconciliation with WBF. My partner and I were long-distance (different countries) for two years while I was in grad school. The week before he was supposed to move, my best friend discovered that he had cheated on me with another mutual close friend. Things blew up but I let him move here to see if I could consider working it out. Still having a very tough time with it but seeing where it goes. For context, WBF and XFriend both have issues with alcohol. It seems they slept together a handful of times after long nights of heavy drinking during the two-year period, including right before he moved here. Both of them said it was just sex/didn’t mean anything and that they barely remember what happened. While a lot of this is probably straight out of the cheaters’ playbook, from what I’ve pieced together from them, his phone and a few mutual friends who figured it out, I mostly believe them. After her back was up against the wall and she told me the general story, I stopped speaking to her. After giving myself a few months to calm down, I sent her a far too polite friendship breakup text (no response). After a few more months I blocked her on all communication channels but didn’t unfriend her on social media.

We have a large, close-knit friend group. I have struggled with feelings of intense shame, embarrassment and fear about more of these mutual friends finding out the truth. The negative feelings that friends would have towards my partner is the main reason I have not blown up XF’s position in the group. Luckily XF moved to another city not long after and I was hoping she would quietly fade herself out of our friend group. Living in different countries makes it easy to give up the friendship without people knowing but we still visit our home city at the same times. My trusted best friends must run interference to keep her from crashing the same gatherings.

I am very happy about my decision to end the friendship. But I’m still unsure whether it is healthiest for myself and my relationship to continue a slow, civil-seeming fade or to make it clear we are no longer friends and risk the reason becoming public knowledge. She still worms her way into gatherings through invites from mutual friends who don’t know the truth or close friends who allow her presence so as not to raise suspicion. I was OK with this arrangement at first but now I am very bitter that visiting my closest friends has become an anxiety-inducing minefield for me and that I bear the burden while she does whatever she wants and faces no consequences. I’ve heard through a friend that she is not worried about her actions impacting mutual friendships. I now regret trying to be classy and not going scorched earth in my breakup text. I’m already dreading the likelihood of having to see her at future weddings and needing to grit my teeth through interactions.

I am also incredibly torn regarding whether to unfriend and block her. We have eight years of photos and memories together and I’m not sure I want to lose access to that. Looking at the photos (including many of just myself, WBF and XF) doesn’t cause me pain so much as make me feel bitter that once-happy memories are all tarnished. As much as I want to unfriend her to send a message, I think I would regret losing access to these moments from my life. And if mutual friends notice we are no longer friends, they will definitely start asking questions.

I already feel traumatized about several mutual friends knowing the truth and not telling me. And in some ways, I already regret telling certain close friends and my sister the truth because they no longer think highly of my partner. I’m a very private person so even if I leave my WBF, I would hate for everyone to know our terrible, tawdry business. But I have such feelings of hatred towards my XF that part of me wouldn’t mind blowing everything up just so I don’t have to see her again and she faces consequences.

Again, TL;DR. Does anyone have advice about navigating mutual friend groups and social media after a double betrayal? Do you regret not making a public break with the XF? Or do you feel that keeping your business private helped you reconcile with your partner?

Bumping for a newbie

BetrayedPR77,

I read your post and I have to say I'm so sorry to hear about the betrayal you are going through. I'm sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, my story sounds SO similar to yours. Only part is, my father hasn't passed away but instead he had a stroke and paralyzed his left side. My friend helped me through all of that as well. We were childhood best friends. Loved her mom like my own. We spent holidays together as one family and did everything together. Her and I got eachother through each journey of our lives. Until I found out my H was cheating on me and I couldn't go to her for any comfort in it because the AP was her. What an awful thing to go through. So, it's like mourning the death of the both of them. The two people most trusted have screwed you over. Just awful.

Are you currently still talking to your friend? I completely cut mine off. How are you getting through it all? Anything help on bad days?

The first time was a lesson, the second a warning but the 3Rd WAS Deadly. Even after a failed suicide attempt last year, my STBX still harassed me, bullied me and raped me to add more insult, injury and humiliation. I was fortunate to suvive. My adult children were the only reasons that I am still alive. My freedom from HIM was shorted lived. A dear beloved friend who was supporting me during the final year with my husband took his own life once he thought that I was safe. I moved out of the Family hone on my own to escape STBX. My dear friend I miss dearly. Shortly after, a week before Xmas a dear cousin of mine who has been an amazing support to me, also took his own life. My STBX is in part responsible for their deaths. I am working on my own end of life plan. I don't want to go due to him. I want to go on my own terms, in my own time. I am not going to leave him, I am going to be with those who I have loved and lost in my life. I am trying my best to leave my ex a much better man and father for my children's sakes. My STBX stated to me far too often that Divorce is Easy. That is true. Our financial settlement however is complicated after 32 years. My STBX expects that I just give in to him. His dumb AP believed he was some sort of millionaire sugar daddy. His interest in the AP ended when the Viagra wore off. It is sad indeed that this man is the father of my amazing Children. My sons reassure me that they are nothing like their father and promise me to never repeat the fathers crimes. As a budding Buddhist, I am kind and compassionate towards my EX in the hope he will show some remorse for destroying our family. I am trying to leave them with a better version of their father, than the man he currently is. Blessings to All

[This message edited by LadyG at 5:59 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

Lady G, please reach out and contact the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Please contact a professional that can help you.

I am ok. I am still dissecting every aspect of my life. I am still trying to find a reason to stay. Unfortunately my body is starting to break down. I think that the Trauma that is and was my life is catching up to me. I have PTSD and I don’t shy away from it. I am confronting it. I am still able to make rational decisions. I no longer take Prozac as this just numbs the pain and forces me to internalise my pain and suffering. I write in my own journal as a release. It is 1 year ago today that I returned from a 4 day vacation. I went alone. I had the most amazing time. Walking through rain forests and meeting like minded people. My STBX encouraged me to go. He spent that time getting up to no good. My STBX never ever spoke to me about my trip except that I showed him photos and I spoke about the people I had met and I detailed every thing that I did while I was away. He had convinced himself and anyone who would listen that I WAS away with someone, having an affair. See, he’s cunning,just not clever. Leaving him, turned the tables and I just didn’t know it at the time, but this MAN is completely dependent on me for every aspect of his life. Before I leave this life, I am going to ensure that he will be in a better place than he is right now. Financially he will secure. But I also want to ensure that he doesn’t squander my hard earned money and assets on others. He can be a good person but chooses not to be. Unfortunately he and his last AP tried their very best to destabilise me. It didn’t work. It actually backfired and it has caused the most damage to themselves. Money is the root of all EVIL. Using SEX, LOVE AND VIOLENCE in a relationship to control another HUMAN BEING is soul destroying. I am reclaiming my SOUL by showing LOVE, KINDNESS AND COMPASSION in the face of EVIL. I am not SUICIDAL anymore just in control of my life and death. I hope that you can try to understand this. Thank you for your kindness and compassion and concern. Knowing that this state is impermanent brings me comfort. LadyG

Thanks for checking back in.

I thought I’d share this poem I wrote for my husband about the affair he had with my best friend

I was thrown into a world

Full of deceit, betrayal and lies

By two people I loved and trusted

One admits it, the other denies

My heart feels destroyed

All tattered and torn apart

I want to try again

But where do we start?

I never stopped loving you

I stood there by your side

Through good times and bad times

By our vows I abide

But you was so weak

And you left me behind

For someone so nasty

And out of her mind

You laid with her at night time

Like a husband and wife should

How could you do that to me?

How can any of it turn good?

You told me she paid you attention

The kind I didn’t pay

But who was always there for you

Through night and the day

I never walked away

Into someone else’s arms

I would never have done that to you

I would never cause you such harm

My memories of us

They make me feel sad

Of all the good times together

And the fun we have had

She tainted my world

She stole everything from me

You may still be here

But we will never be free

Free from the hurt and pain

That both of you have caused me

I don’t think the true devastation

You will ever truly see

My life is left

With decisions to be made

In hope that the dark thoughts

Will soon begin to fade

You were my whole world

Our beautiful children too

My dreams of a family life

A husband to always be true

You took that away from me

With every lie that you told

The trust has left us

As deceit began to unfold

You brought to life all

The fears I ever held inside

That my kids would have to go through

The memories I’ve tried to hid

I was that 6 year old

So innocent and confused

Not knowing what is happening

That memory can never be diffused

I didn’t want that for our children

I didn’t want to see their pain

As mummy and daddy argued

Wondering if life would ever be the same

I want so much to believe in you

Like I did once before

Before you went to meet her

Before you walked out that door

Before you let her touch you

Before you held her tight

Before you kissed her on the lips

Before you turned from saying goodnight

The mental image hurts so much

The way you were together

How you carried on with her

When you promised me forever

Yes I may get angry

Yes I will sometimes cry

Yes I will sometimes hate you

And have questions as to why?

But this is going to be hard

But you need to prove to me

You’ll be a loving husband and

Happy ever after can truly be

Acheatedheart

Thank you for your beautiful poetry. It’s amazing that you can create something so beautiful out of the ugliness that is Betrayal 🙏🏼

Bump

** Please respond to the duplicate thread at: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=656306&HL=79723 **

It's been 2 years since Dday and I still struggle to understand some things. I have posted about this before but here I am still confused.

My H had a 3 month affair with his a friend of mine from childhood ( we weren't close but got closer in that last year because her H and her moved next door to us)

Her H was also my Hs childhood friend but we didn't really have much contact with them until they moved by us.

I think about the times we all hung out together during BBQs, or when my H would help him fix their car or when I would hang out with the AP and our kids. We seen them every single day. We were around them in some way all the time. I never once got any clues that anything was going on. Now I am always paranoid because they both were such good actors.

My question is How Could my H and the AP act so normal around us? Why didn't they feel awkward when we were all together? My H denies this but I truly think they enjoying keeping their little secret. I truly think they both enjoying knowing they were getting away with betrayal. How can I ever trust him again? How can I ever have friends again? How do I trust my own perception again? I hate my life now. I hate the mistrust and paranoia I feel.

How do I know what the truth is to those questions?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:24 PM, Wednesday, April 20th]

My question is How Could my H and the AP act so normal around us?

My wife and my best friend did this to me for 3+ years. For the first two years, it was remote and only while we were vacationing where he lived. For the final 12-18 months, he lived in my neighborhood and was in my life weekly for holidays, movie nights, my kids' ball games and so on.

They behaved completely normally in my presence. What should have been sufficient to clue me in was the way she behaved toward me generally and the time she spent turned away from our marriage in those years.

My wife explains it this way: I just wasn't part of their affair, I wasn't in their bubble. They managed to have two distinct worlds, one in which only they existed and the other one in which everyone else existed. It is mind boggling, but it is what she says. Around me, they went into wife and friend mode, and that was "normal." As much as I can't imagine this to be true, she says that they did not have little jokes at my expense, they were both guilty and guilt ridden while also totally immersed in the wrongdoing. It's compartmentalization on steroids. I'll never understand it.

I have learned that what I can trust is that I did know the marriage was shitty, I did see my wife ignoring "us" and turned outward from the marriage. I saw that, I lived it. If I see that again, I won't miss the other clues, and I won't stick around for proof positive, I'll just be done.