SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone have this feeling?

I committed my life to someone once. She betrayed me, and I won't do that again, ever.

Pretty hard to have another LTR when you feel that way.

For those that have lived it, did it change? Were you ever willing to marry again, and give up your independence? Did you not date until you were willing? How long did it take?

I like this question. I’d like to also ask how did you get over the fear of trusting again.

I don’t know how to get past it.

I was in the "never again" camp after D. Firmly planted there.

Then I met XSO. Over time I was more willing to entertain the thought and wasn't so adamantly opposed as I was. XSO and I were together for six years, then he committed the unthinkable. Yep, he stepped out of the relationship.

I was willing to trust XSO, but I sure did verify. Everything was on the up and up on everything I checked out. Toward the end, it was my gut nagging at me, and I trusted that even more. Verification of that yielded the sad truth.

So, where am I now? Still willing to entertain the idea, if the right person comes along, but I am certainly not frothing at the mouth, dying to get hitched. I would be content in an exclusive relationship without marital ties. One thing I won't EVER do again, no matter what, is co-mingle finances. Hard lesson learned there. I am also still very much of a trust, but verify, mindset (and listen to my gut, always).

I was a never-againer too. I planned to have a life with just me and the dog (and all my friends and family) and that was that.

I gradually came off that hard stance and allowed myself to open my world. NOT with dating, or finding someone, but to having new experiences again. I had to relearn what I wanted out of this life thing. Whether it was new friends, places, hobbies - what have you. I got to a place where I loved my life all alone.

And then SO happened (about a year after everything was final and he just kind of came into my life). And I can still say "never again." I will never let my self-worth, livelihood or value be defined by the person I'm committed to. I will never again allow myself to be demolished by that kind of trainwreck relationship.

I now have a relationship that looks nothing like the one I had with assclown - from logistics to emotional health. It took me a long time to realize that the two people in a relationship get to determine how they want to build it. It's not a marriage/no-marriage scenario. All kinds of options can be on the table. I took things with SO at a snail's pace - it's what I needed at the time. You get to be the one to steer your own ship now takethelongview. And if someone is on a similar heading, then you're good to go.

As for "giving up my independence" - not even on the radar with SO. I'm still independent as all get out - I'm just sharing my life with someone else. But...life happens and I know I'll be just fine on my own as well.

Don't get me wrong - we have all the run of the mill relationship shenanigans everyone else does. And I probably deconstruct things and check in to make sure we're on the same page to an annoying level. But infidelity breeds hyper-vigilance sometimes - even all these years later.

That was a really long-winded way of saying maybe you should tweak your mantra a little: "I'll never do *that* again." And define your *that.*

Oh - and when I was hedging early on with SO, I called up my girlfriend all cold-feety. And what she said always stuck with me. Along the lines of "Look - you can hide out and try and stay safe or you can try again to connect with someone which seems to be what you want. And at this point in your life - you really do know how to end a relationship and heal from it so if it all goes wrong - you got this."

Another never again-er here. I've been S/D for 13 years. I can count the men I've dated in those years on one hand and have fingers left over.

I've been with SO for almost 7 years now. We live 3 houses apart and that's about as close as I want to get. We've talked very vaguely about moving in together in the future but there's no real plan or goal in mind. I still have bananas at home and once they're gone, I want to live alone for a while. I've never done so and want the experience. SO totally gets that.

So maaaaaaaaybe I'll cohabitate at some point... not completely sold on that; I'm also very independent and an introvert to boot. But I definitely can't ever seeing myself saying "I do" again. I have zero desire to remarry. It has nothing to do with SO personally; I trust him completely. I just don't see the point of marriage anymore (speaking for myself here).

I will maybe get that “butterflies” feeling again, but NEVER AGAIN will I trust fully.

It is hazardous to my health.

I didn't think I would never marry again, but I did say that I would never allow myself to be manipulated again. I would never again allow my SO to ignore my concerns. I would never again allow myself to be placated. I would absolutely stand up for myself and my needs. And I would make sure, before I ever committed like that again, that my new partner understood ALL of this and my expectations. Part of that would be for SO to do the same. Not ignore problems. Fight for the M. It is supposed to be for life. I want that. If I never find it, I will be ok, but I won't rule it out either.

My "never again" is not getting married again. I just don't see the point. I'm not sure I'll even co-habitate again definitely not going to ever intermingle finances.

definitely not going to ever intermingle finances

Same. This is a definite never ever again.

definitely not going to ever intermingle finances

Same here. I was the breadwinner and lost so much money in the divorce to WXH. I'll almost certainly out-earn anyone I'm with, and I have a house that I love that I don't want to risk losing. I had to start over in my early 30s; I refuse to do it again in my later years.

However, I have a SO of nearly 5 years, and what we have works perfectly for us. He owns his place and I own mine, about 25 minutes away from each other. We have keys to each other's houses, and tend to see each other most Fri nights, Sat nights, and one night during the week. We have mutual friends and mutual interests, but we both also do individual things alone or with our friends. We go on vacation for a couple of weeks at a time and love spending all that time together, but then also love coming back home and having our own space.

I expect that we will stay together until one of us dies, but neither one of us can see any benefit to marriage for our situation.

Like others, and like the cliche, I'd given up dating after a string of terrible first dates, vowing to be alone. And I had the best summer of my life hanging out with friends, and just being, without casing the room to see if there were any single guys, or wondering what the single guy was thinking about me. I wound up meeting my SO purely by accident - he's someone I almost certainly would not have gone on a first date with had we met on OLD.

You never know what life will throw at you, just work on healing you and living your best life, and you never know what might happen!

This is the hard question isn't it. I feel that way A LOT but in my heart I'd like to be with someone in a LTR. Don't feel like marriage is for me again but never say never right? Agree about not mingling finances - no thank you. I've done some OLD and met a few people for lunch. Most were nice but I had zero interest in pursing anything. Probably speaks more to me than to them. Time is my friend and it will take whatever it takes. My kids keep me busy for now - maybe down the road.

How's that for a definite "maybe"

I was also in the "never again" category for many years. In fact, when I started to seriously date four years after my divorce, I was very upfront with any potential dating partners regarding my stance on marriage.

Eight years ago, I met my now husband. Again, I was very honest with him about not ever marrying again. After my divorce, I had made a number of changes in my life - renovated my home on my own, volunteered for causes I believed in, returned to school and advanced my career, and most importantly worked on my self-confidence and communication skills. I didn't even want to date anyone who was not going to add to the already satisfying life I'd created living alone.

We dated long distance for three years and it was wonderful. As soon as I finished with school, I relocated to SE Michigan to be closer to him, since his job in the auto industry precludes moving, and at the time, he had high school aged kids.

Three years ago, I decided that I did want to get married again and to commit my life to this man. We waited for his marriage to be annulled, so we could be married in the Catholic church which was very important to us and our aging parents. In September, we will have been very happily married for two years. We became newlyweds and grandparents in the same year!

I think this worked for me because I enjoyed being married, but also because I did a considerable amount of work on myself to be a stronger person and to assert my own needs into this marriage.

That said, I wouldn't get married a third time because blending families is complicated.

I chose to look at things differently in that I’m not prepared to let my ex’s fuckupedness dictate my future choices. I’m open to marriage again, even shared finances again, but it would have to be on the basis that the person I loved truly valued these things and felt terribly uncomfortable without them. I would insist on a pre-nup, that would be my condition, and I do know that if I were ever cheated on again or treated as an option then I would walk away without hesitation. Post-infidelity introspection gave me clarity on this.

Boundaries make more sense to me than self-limiting my options.

Even before the last DDAY, I suppose it was early in our 32 yr marriage that I stated categorically to all and sundry, that I am doing this once...

I am still not wanting or waiting for a new relationship ever...

Too old for another LTR. If anything in the future could be a friendship with someone who is like minded.

Who the heck wants to be in a LTR with me and all my baggage anyway... I trust no one!

I was definitely in this 'never again' phase until I met someone that changed me.

I had fallen for someone late last summer, actually thought it was love but looking back I'm pretty sure it was just infatuation and I was enjoying the attention. We only dated for a few months and I could never trust her. She broke it off with me and I got really down and even more in the 'never again' attitude.

I was really in just a 'be single and have a good time' mode and I met someone completely by chance at the beginning of this year and havent even looked back. We are so compatible its unreal and our history and betrayal stories are almost identical and we really bonded over that. I consider myself very lucky to find someone like her. I might be a sap and it may sound crazy to some but we are very much in love and already talking marriage after less than 5 months. I trust her completely. I don't regret dating, but if I'd known she'd come along when she did, I would have spent the last 2 years waiting for her and not dating.

I’ve been divorced for the second time for over 7 years now. I’m firmly in the “never again”, almost “red pill” camp.

I’ve honestly only deeply loved two women in my life. I married both of them and they both cheated on me. The first only lasted about 1 1/2 years. The second was 16 years.

The most recent was by far the worst. My whole life revolved around her and our kids. I would do, and did anything for her and this is how I was rewarded. I will never put myself in that position again. It’s a shame because I was always so trusting.

My kids chose to live with me and I am thankful for that. Now they are young adults and will soon be on there own. They are my focus until then.

After that, it’s all about me. This will be an all new experience because for so many years, I have been putting everyone else’s needs before mine. I’m going to be selfish for once and going to put myself first. I’ve never known what it’s like to be a priority in a woman’s life so I will be my own priority.

I doubt I will ever trust or allow myself to be vounerable to another woman to that extent again. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need a woman in my life. I’m content with who I am. I have many friends, interests, hobbies and a career that keep me going. Some of my friends say “what about companionship?” My responses Is I have plenty of friends that like to do the same things that I do. Most women don’t. When I do meet a woman, it doesn’t take long for my mind to go back to the pain I felt being betrayed. There’s only one way to make sure that never happens again and that’s to keep them at a distance.

About the only thing a woman could add to my life that I don’t have is sex. Thats the only thing missing. Honestly, sex was a lot more important when I was younger. Now that I’m in my late 50’s, not so much. I was never the kind of guy who would have sex with a woman that I didn’t feel close to or have a connection with anyway. Since I don’t allow myself to get close to women anymore, I guess there won’t be much sex. That’s the trade off for my emotional safety.

I guess it goes without saying I’ll never get married again. I’m not about to divide my hard-earned financial assets on more time. I was the bread winner in both marriages so I lost plenty. I plan to retire in a few years so what’s left is for me and I’m not going to share it.

I probably sound a little jaded and bitter. I am, but who wouldn’t be. At this point in my life I just don’t feel like investing so much time, effort, and emotional energy into something that could fail. I would rather take the time, effort, and energy and put it into something that’s going to give me a guaranteed return.