SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

A few silver linings to report in an otherwise bleak year (given the pandemic). I was promoted to a leadership position in my organization. It feels good have some job security and validation.

I am still living on inlaws' property and we all get along but I am looking for a house. XWH and I are also on good terms and my anger toward him is fading (though not all the way gone). He's still with OW but I see small changes. He is around a lot more and trying to repair the damage with DD. Overall, he's more engaging with me, too -- talking and sharing, liking my posts on FB (yes, we stayed friends).

I replaced my old therapist, which has helped. I met her during our coparenting counseling and she has helped me see that XWH is bipolar, which I suspected for many years. I have more compassion for him now given that he will always have chaos and instability in his life.

Here's where I need some advice:

I have been with SO for almost 2 years. It's not been an easy relationship, as I have written in the past. I think he has avoidant attachment issues due to abandonment. We are great companions and DD loves him. He lives close by and I go over to his house once or twice a week, eat dinner and spend the night. He's older than me by a few years and has operational issues but is ashamed about exploring any other options. We've had no intimacy for the past 7 months. He used to take medication for ED but no longer even does that. When we manage a conversation about it, he says he has no desire anymore. Intellectually and emotionally we are very close, but I miss being kissed and touched. In this age of COVID I have not wanted to break up with him (he's too isolated and has no family). Also, I do not want to put his health or DD's health at risk by meeting anyone dating. It's hard, though. I can't imagine him not in my life but I also feel like this isn't working for me. He seems to know this and makes jokes about my "dumping" him one day. If it weren't a pandemic I would probably start taking steps to extricate myself but in this new normal breaking up with someone seems catastrophic.

I have an online dating profile that is hidden. Is it cheating if if I unhide it and just start looking to see who's out there? Is it wrong to stick a toe in the water if I don't meet up with anyone?

Hey Fablegirl, I have a few thoughts.

He used to take medication for ED but no longer even does that. When we manage a conversation about it, he says he has no desire anymore. Intellectually and emotionally we are very close, but I miss being kissed and touched.

There could be so many reasons for this - more than I could outline here. Still, I know of plenty of men who have found improvement in these areas by:

- getting their testosterone checked and then addressing any deficiency

- same with thyroid stuff

- same with sleep stuff (do a sleep study, get treatment, etc.)

- going on *or* getting off anxiety/depression meds

- ED meds (or trying a new one if the old one doesn't work well)

This may or may not be helpful to you at this point, but wanted to throw that stuff out there.

In this age of COVID I have not wanted to break up with him (he's too isolated and has no family).

I'm afraid I have to disagree with your reasoning here. I know it's scary and/or sad, but it's not helpful to anyone to pretend. Sounds to me like you're already doing a little of that, and he's feeling a little of that (as evidenced by his "dumping" statement).

We're all going through the isolation. It's our norm right now. I think it's fairer to him to end the relationship in an honest and compassionate way than it is to "fake" it. Besides, we could be doing this for another two years - who knows?

Also, I do not want to put his health or DD's health at risk by meeting anyone dating.

Nah, there are plenty of ways to date that are safe. Video chat, taking a walk at your preferred distance, etc. You can't hug or kiss without an incredible amount of communication and quarantining, though!

It's hard, though. I can't imagine him not in my life but I also feel like this isn't working for me. He seems to know this and makes jokes about my "dumping" him one day. If it weren't a pandemic I would probably start taking steps to extricate myself but in this new normal breaking up with someone seems catastrophic.

With all you've learned in your experience, you know as well as anyone else how important it is to live in honesty and truth. To me, what you've said here is the most telling.

I have an online dating profile that is hidden. Is it cheating if if I unhide it and just start looking to see who's out there? Is it wrong to stick a toe in the water if I don't meet up with anyone?

I don't think it's cheating if you literally only look and don't hit that like button or say a word to anyone. As soon as you've done one of those things, you've crossed into that territory.

HOWEVER. Would you tell him that you're re-activating your profile just to see what's out there? Probably not, and a good rule of thumb around here is that if you wouldn't tell your significant other about ____, then ____ is probably wrong and/or boundary-crossing.

Spend enough time thinking about what you're really doing when you open a dating profile and scope out your options, you'll eventually come to see that what you're actually doing is *using* your current SO--keeping him on the hook, letting him believe that everything is still ok--while you see what other goodness might be out there for you. If you scope it out and find a desolate wasteland of weird dudes and dick pics, well then you can always go back to your on-the-hook boyfriend, right?

Procedurally, this is very, very similar to how many waywards operate when they first become actively wayward, and honestly these actions are some of the most hurtful. If your SO found out (and he could very easily find out if your profile becomes active again), it would devastate him and he'd have to go through years of triggers and recovery. Not cool, and a much bigger risk you'd be taking with his health and well-being than simply ending the relationship.

~

Allllllll of that said, I really applaud you for asking this question, and I hope you get all the advice you need.

In my opinion, the bravest and best thing you can do in this situation is the thing I'm betting you wish your ex-husband would have done with you back in the day: just end it.

[This message edited by Okokok at 1:14 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

Okokok:

Thank you for all this wisdom and advice. Everything you have written is truthful, kind and common sense. Thank you for taking the time to write about it so thoughtfully.

I have managed to start dating during CV19 and with lots of honest communication on how we have handled quarantine, masks, etc. I have gone on several dates with one person so it is possible.

I would not be able to remain long term in a relationship with someone that was not willing to seek further help for ED. Especially since he sounds like he mentally has no interest in sex either.

Ok’s post has very good suggestions.

Regarding you having a profile just to “peak”. Hard stop for me. Whether you engage or not this is a huge slippery slope and you know it. This is actually a question on OKcupid and overwhelming any man that is looking for an actual relationship and has answered the question states it would bother him...as I too have stated as such in a committed relationship.

Difficult as it is, if he is not willing to explore intimacy options then I would end the relationship before you look at what is out there for your dating options. Make a clean break.

I was promoted to a leadership position in my organization.

Yeah - Congrats!

has operational issues but is ashamed about exploring any other options.....He used to take medication for ED but no longer even does that....he has no desire anymore.

Desire and capability are two separate things. There are nature products he can try for desire. I suspect the lack of desire is mental. Meaning he shut down his desire because he doesn't want to deal with the operational aspect? In either case, my issue is he is completely insensitive to this being important to you. As a partner, this should be important to him.

This is not all that uncommon. In my NB dating, I ran into quite a few men who were going through this and there are products out there to help. IF THEY WANT. I had one guy that was like yours and it turned out to be that his way of dealing with it (or not) told a lot about his character!

Regardless - lets talk about you. That is what is important. You need to look at this situation and decide if this works for you. Is this what you want to deal with going forth because if he has no desire to work together during your "honeymoon" period - it won't get any better.

You have nothing to lose about being 100% honest with him. Tell him this lack of intimacy is a mega issue for you (and a dealbreaker, if it is). See if he is willing to get help and watch what happens.

Now if you are really done with this R, then I would not even bother. I would let him know it isn't working for you and wish him well.

Is it cheating if if I unhide it and just start looking to see who's out there? Is it wrong to stick a toe in the water if I don't meet up with anyone?

I would not want my partner to do this to me. If this wasn't working, I expect him to tell me that and end it. I would be deeply hurt that he was shopping for a replacement model while keeping me in limbo until he found someone else. Don't take that road.

Be true to yourself Fable. If this is not want you want, need, etc. Make the break. If you would like to work to fix this with him - then you need to have that discussion with him.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sending ya strength and good vibes gurl!

I have an online dating profile that is hidden. Is it cheating if if I unhide it and just start looking to see who's out there? Is it wrong to stick a toe in the water if I don't meet up with anyone?

How would you feel if he did this to you?

Dear Lieshurt,

I would feel betrayed if SO did this to me. My consideration of even doing such a thing was wrong for the simple fact that this is why we are all here.

No explanation. No excuses. It was wrong to think of it and I have to just either put up or move on.

No explanation. No excuses. It was wrong to think of it and I have to just either put up or move on.

Absolutely not. You cannot control what you think of. You control how you recognize it, process it, act (or don't) on it.

This is how we should hope all people would do things: be intelligent enough to see their thoughts in action, become a student of themselves, ask questions/seek solutions, and then act according to solid principles.

You did everything right here, and you were brave to bring it here.

[This message edited by Okokok at 12:37 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]

Fablegirl,

Listen to OKokok. This is SO bang on the money...

You did everything right here, and you were brave to bring it here.

That shows growth, maturity, self care and mindfulness IMHO. And, yes, courage. Well done Fable.

I have to say this however.

Delete the dating profile. What if he had Tinder going on in his phone? Pretty sure that would give me major heartburn.

Be well.

I have an online dating profile that is hidden. Is it cheating if if I unhide it and just start looking to see who's out there? Is it wrong to stick a toe in the water if I don't meet up with anyone?

If you found out he was doing this without telling you, how would you feel about it? If this is a committed relationship, then a dating profile would not be appropriate unless you discussed it first. Then you have the issue of being honest with any person you find you may want to date. So you see someone interesting, now what. You break up then? Or do you connect with them in some way to see if there is potential first? I know I would run the other way if someone in a relationship was just testing the waters by seeing who was out there. It is my guess that this is how the less blatent cheaters start out.

If it feels wrong, it probably is. Not purely out of some moral compass but also for selfish reasons because it just feels yucky. Because of how you asked, my guess is you are an honest person and it would affect you deep down in a very unpleasant way.

EDIT: Ooops, that's why I should read the other responses first-- I see this has been addressed very well already. And I agree, it was a nice honest process on your part. I wish you the best working through this.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 10:30 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]

I have an online dating profile that is hidden. Is it cheating if if I unhide it and just start looking to see who's out there? Is it wrong to stick a toe in the water if I don't meet up with anyone?

You can answer your own question here I think: If you read a WS saying that same thing on this board, what would people on here say? What would you say?

The problem with this is, that even if you are really "just looking" (and see, to everyone who has said "just looking" is always a lie), IF he were to find out somehow, what devastation you would cause. I think you have to have "the talk" - the talk being what you are missing from the relationship AND if you even want to try to work on it. It's okay to say you aren't getting what you need. It's not really okay (in my world) to be out there looking for the exit without talking to the person you are currently involved with. Cheating? No, not in my opinion. Hurtful and disrespectful? Yeah.

Treat someone the way you would want to be treated and you really should be on solid ground.