SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey man, I read about your health, I hope you will feel better and without the Covid soon, my get well wishes to you

Keep resting, GTS. Don't be afraid to seek medical attention if you take a turn. You first right now.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. Today was the first day since this all started last Monday that I’ve had any energy. I have been sleeping 18-20 hours per day.

Definitely missing my ex more since the virus has me home alone. I guess that’s normal.

I know everyone has commented that she’s not coming back, and I need to move on. I’m trying. Just struggling to accept that reality. Probably because I was blindsided by the breakup, and probably because she never really gave me a reason - just left me to piece together conversations over the past couple months.

I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts, and they all seem to explain that breakups happen when one person loses emotional attraction to the other person. I’m sure this started when we were apart for the first 6 weeks of Covid. Our relationship was never quite the same after that. I don’t know what changed, but I think the time apart and extra time she had must have led to her overthinking everything?

It’s funny that I’ve posted more in this thread than I had in the past 4 -1/2 years I’ve been on this site. This breakup really shook me. In some ways more than my divorce, because I’m the divorce I could understand that infidelity ended my marriage. I really don’t understand what caused this breakup, and the uncertainty is messing with me. Couple that with the loss of my best friend, and it’s been a huge loss.

I appreciate everyone’s comments on this thread. Whether or not she “owed” me a better ending doesn’t really matter. In my opinion, her confiding in my best friend and complaining to him instead of communicating directly with me is WRONG and I don’t see how it can be spun differently. They didn’t know each other prior to me dating her, but he’s been my best friend for 36 years. She doesn’t owe me any explanation or closure, but to do what she’s done by pitting my best friend against me isn’t the way she should behave. And neither should he.

My therapist told me to keep talking it out, and keep posting my feelings on here. Somehow that’s supposed to help? Something positive HAS to come from this setback. Maybe this saved me from a potentially bad second marriage? Maybe this saved me from trouble that her boys would create in my daughters’ lives?

GTS, glad you are feeling a bit better.

I think talking it out here helps you accept the narrative. You find those little missing puzzle pieces and put the story together. I had a little trifecta happen after DDAY- he with AP, I lost my job, and my house burned down in wildfires. The ONLY thing I had was my cat who I rescued from the fires. Then she died. I LOST IT. I was back down the rabbit hole, and everything I had not yet dealt with from the other issues came ROARING back. It’s been almost a year since then, and I am still working through it. Long way to say that a new issue can bring all the unresolved stuff right back up. The good news— now you can deal with them for good.

It sucks. It hurts. I had hoped I was further along.

But I am right here, wherever that is, and I am working through my stuff. And now you will too.

Why are you so broken up over a women you admit was not a great fit? Dig deep in to that — and figure it out. It makes sense you are extra lonely when sick— it’s scary and it’s hard to not have someone taking care of us. But like you said, you’ll get better. And you will know definitively that you can take care of you physically.

Hang in there, GTS. The journey isn’t over, but if you learn the lessons, you’ll be that much closer.

BarelyBreathing, I’m sorry you had to go through all of those challenges at the same time.

I never said my ex gf wasn’t a great fit. She was fantastic. I had a problem with the way her boys treated her, and I was very concerned with blending families because I worried that they would not be a good influence on my daughters. Aside from that, I thought she was wonderful, and that’s why I’m so upset about the breakup. I don’t like the way she ended the relationship or how she complained to my best friend, but other than that, I never had any issues with her personally.

There’s a part of me that views this relationship as a failure, even though I don’t think I did anything that caused the relationship to fail if she had wanted to work though whatever she felt was wrong. But, compared to my exWW’s seemingly perfect marriage to POSOM, and their ability to blend families, my relationship seems like a failure.

First I’m glad to see you are feeling better. 👍🏻

I think you are having a hard time w/ this break up b/c you want to know why or what happened and get some answers.

I struggled to understand my H’s affair. Why. Why he suddenly wants a D. I never got a straight answer but I was able to figure out a few things. It helped me tremendously.

In your case it’s odd behavior at the end that is puzzling. I think that may never be explained or resolved. I hope you can accept that.

The1stWife, yes, I think that's a lot of it. What exactly happened that caused the breakup? Why wouldn't she have a conversation with me, even if she wasn't planning to change her mind? Why is she running to my best friend when I contacted her? Why is he involved? So many questions.

Why wouldn't she have a conversation with me, even if she wasn't planning to change her mind? Why is she running to my best friend when I contacted her? Why is he involved? So many questions

Obvious answers, unpleasant answers, but still answers.

Count yourself lucky, that bullet missed you.

blahblahblahe,

What are the obvious answers? That she just doesn't care? That she cheated on me with my best friend? That she never loved me? That the past 2-1/2 years were a sham? I'm not sure what's obvious. My knee jerk reaction was that she and my friend must have cheated, but I don't think that makes much sense.

the divorce I could understand that infidelity ended my marriage. I really don’t understand what caused this breakup, and the uncertainty is messing with me.

I understand this completely. When SO and I were on a break and I didn't know where we'd end up, this very thought came to mind. As devastating as the infidelity was, at least I knew HOW to be angry because of xWH's actions. With SO needed time off I struggled with the "why?" and "what did i do?" and "what could i have done differently?" It's those unknowns that get to us. At some point we have to accept that we may never know.

I'm glad you're doing better. DD18 went through that period where she was in bed for about 10 days; she'd get up to eat (and I was thankful she had an appetite) and then would go back to bed to lay down. It took a lot out of her.

Keep venting here, it's so therapeutic, especially when others have similar stories.

newlife03, thanks. This just stinks. All of it. You're exactly right about why I feel so down. I can't seem to let her go, but I'm also not able to talk with her. Just so frustrating. I don't want to move on, but if I have to, then I want to be able to do just do it, and I can't. I can't describe this hurt. It's wicked. I don't think she's doing this to intentionally hurt me, but there aren't many things she could have done that would have hurt this much.

What are the obvious answers? That she just doesn't care? That she cheated on me with my best friend? That she never loved me? That the past 2-1/2 years were a sham? I'm not sure what's obvious.

Her actions are not that of one who cares about others.

My knee jerk reaction was that she and my friend must have cheated, but I don't think that makes much sense.

I always ask myself what are people motivations in their actions. It usually leads me to the truth.

Why would your friend turn his back on a 30-year best friendship? Motivation? Reward is? Cost/Benefit ratio?

I can only come to several conclusions based upon your writings, one of them is there is something likely afoot between them. Your "friend" has chosen her over you, the second question is why.

The first question should be why should you care about people who do not care about you? The world is a wondrous place, so many things beyond just past relationships and the perception of others, why not enjoy the future and experience each day beyond what you have done in past.

When you read enough threads on relationships, marriage, infidelity, etc you hear all kinds of reasons for why break ups happen. I think it's probably been a couple of years since I've heard an excuse I hadn't before. Cheating, doesn't love you anymore, relationship is too stressful, FOO,

mental health issues, financial issues, etc.

If you were actually still in the relationship I could understand a desire to understand what the problems are if it looked like things were going bad in the relationship.

But after reading this thread, even if you did know why she dumped you, I doubt it would give you any type of closure. Whether the explanation came from her own mouth or otherwise.

The fact that the relationship is over period seems to be 95% of your problem. But focusing on the "Why?" can help take your mind off the "Now What?" Even though knowing the "Why" isn't actually going to do anything for you. It's the "Now What?" you should be putting all of your energy into.

And I really think you just need time and need to stop trying to force it. Just keep up NC like you have been. I'd also lose the best friend. Whether anything was going on with your ex or not, what kind of best friends are you that you don't seem to talk for weeks at a time??

Thanks blahblahblahe and JS84.

I think you guys are both right. I’m stuck on the “why” and afraid of the “what next”. I don’t like the uncertainty. I like predictability and consistency. The relationship probably needed to end because I couldn’t blend the families. But I wasn’t ready for it to end and it ended outside of my control. The break in the consistency of having her in my life has been tough, and I don’t want to let go of that. But I realize I can’t move forward until I finally let go. I don’t understand why I’m resisting this change so much?

And my best friend is not behaving like a best friend should behave. And if nothing is going on, then it almost makes his behavior even worse.

You guys are both right. I need to let them both go. I need to stop worrying about the outcome because it’s out of my control.

I’m finally feeling better from the Covid today, but I got retested this morning and sadly tested positive again. That was a bit depressing because I just want to move forward with my life.

Hey everyone. I'm finally feeling better from the Covid, and I'm back at work today. Trying to get back to somewhat normal life, and then worry about getting past the breakup. At least my health is good. Maybe now I can begin to think more clearly about the relationship. While I don't really understand what went wrong, I definitely believe the way she handled the breakup was wrong. She could have had a discussion, preferably in person, and she didn't need to cry to my best friend when I attempted to see her at the beach or when I called her brother-in-law to wish him a happy birthday.

I have been in "no contact" for over 7 weeks now, and the breakup occurred a little over 9 weeks ago. She hasn't reached out at all, which is somewhat of a surprise, considering the length of the relationship and the fact that we had been discussing marriage just 2 weeks prior to the breakup. I'm trying to stay strong and keep moving forward, but this still hurts.

I've also been listening to the Art of Love podcasts that someone else had recommended.

That was me, it was my turning point. I'm just over four months post break up and for all purposes 63 days no contact. Lucia is spot on. I heard from my ex on day 43 (Lucia's rule of thumb is 45-60 days you usually hear from an ex after no contact), and I picked up her call by accident, not recognizing her number, I didn't even recognize her voice, I had to ask her twice who is was. It was great pleasure telling her that and that I had removed her number from my phone and I didn't recognize her voice.

Why am I telling you this? So you don't make the same mistake I did. Our first call was short, her parents are in poor health and she said she was wondering how my mom was doing. Her tone was low, defeated and sounded filled with humility. We talked briefly about how we both are, I let her know I was doing great, dating and life was good... and it is. It was apparent she regretted calling, stating she shouldn't have, it was going to set me back (glad she cares through her indifference ). She stated "your my ex lover, my ex fiance' and she is hurting too." Poor baby.

Here's the lesson: After our call I began to question what the point of her call really was. Was it an olive branch toward regretting breaking up? So I called her back and suggested we meet to catch up...no relationship talk I said. BAD BAD BAD idea on my part as Lucia from the Art of Love told me.... yes, I've done two private coaching sessions with her. The second call was short as well, but she again had a tone of indifference. And with that, I BROKE NO CONTACT by calling her. I thought no contact had already been broken by answering the phone. Do I really care? No, because with each passing day, I don't miss my ex that much more and realize more each day that I simply miss the idea of what we once had, and that is OVER. I try to picture life with my ex at this point, and I come up empty. It's not that our ex's changed, they are still the same person they were when we were with them. The only difference is they now have lost attraction for us. We are FINALLY seeing who they really are. I'm a believer in my case we could have saved the relationship. But it doesn't matter what we think. It only matters what THEY think.

So as Lucia says in one of her podcasts, there are only three reasons why our ex will contact us. UNLESS it is something significant mentioned to get back together, the other two are just breadcrumbs for their own selfish reasons. DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP and take the bait. Remain in no contact.

I have met and am dating for a month now an amazing women. We're taking it slow. She is the polar opposite of my ex. She's beautiful inside and out and our communication is laced with non stop laughter at times. I NEVER DID THAT WITH MY Ex.

I was a mess four months ago, and life is really good and will only get better.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 12:22 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

Kinstugi, thanks for your reply! Your recommendation of listening to Lucia's podcasts has been really helpful. I've listened to her and Coach Lee. Both really helped me to understand the stages my ex goes through during the breakup and why it is important to go no contact as soon as possible.

I wish I had taken your advice and listened immediately, but I wasn't really a "podcast" guy. Had I listened sooner, I wouldn't have gone to see her at the beach, and I wouldn't have called her brother-in-law to wish him a happy birthday. I don't think either of those things were "bad" because I never begged or pleaded, but through listening to the podcasts, I now understand that those gestures were not helpful and never would have been helpful because she was likely in the "relief" stage.

I'm glad your ex reached out at day 43. My breakup was Aug 28, and I started no contact after Sept. 11, so I guess I'm technically at 51 days of no contact and 65 days since the breakup. Still nothing from my ex. According to Lucia, she's most likely to contact between days 45 and 60. I guess the next 9 days is the window? Just so weird to me that someone who appeared to be so intertwined in my life can suddenly disappear completely.

I'm glad you've moved on. I'm not there yet, but you're also 2 months ahead of me, and struggling with Covid the past 2 weeks had me sitting alone at home thinking about my ex even more.

I still haven't reached the point of "no hope" because I keep thinking maybe she will reach out within the 60 days of no contact. I'm really struggling to let go. I've listened to so many podcasts about WHY I need to let go (Madea just let them go is pretty good), but I can't get myself to stop caring.

I also have not heard anything from my best friend. He continues to post photos of him and his girlfriend on Facebook, and one post he made 2 2 weeks ago proclaimed how much he loved her. I noticed my ex commented on that post "I'm just so happy for you both." I'm not sure that he and my ex cheated on me, but something about the situation isn't right. I can't understand why she would reach out to him about me seeing her at the beach (unless to ask him if he knew I was going to do that since I was staying with him), and I certainly don't understand her reaching out to him about me calling to wish her brother-in-law a happy birthday. And even when she did, HE chose to get in the middle and text me about it, rather than simply telling her to leave him out of it.

It's all so puzzling to me.

I started no contact after Sept. 11, so I guess I'm technically at 51 days of no contact and 65 days since the breakup.

Be careful who you tell what. I read somewhere that you had a friend she was supposed to go fishing with. If you are telling mutual friends your feelings, it will likely get back to your ex. This is counterproductive.

Just so weird to me that someone who appeared to be so intertwined in my life can suddenly disappear completely.

It's not weird at all. Like infidelity, breakups follow a script to a degree. Like my ex, your ex began checking out a long time ago... weeks, months maybe a year. They have already processed a breakup, they just haven't executed it yet. It's call the "Relief Stage" for a reason. They finally found the guts to do what they have planned and thought about. Like cheaters, they have compartmentalized their thoughts about a breakup and thoughts and actions in the relationship. She probably began testing you in some way, mentioning things, all alluding to a breakup. Mine asked me what kind of a breakerupper I was. Me with the rose colored glasses didn't even think that was a weird question. I think it was in context of a friend of hers. And why would we question it? Our head isn't in the same space as someone contemplating breaking up.

I still haven't reached the point of "no hope" because I keep thinking maybe she will reach out within the 60 days of no contact. I'm really struggling to let go. I've listened to so many podcasts about WHY I need to let go (Madea just let them go is pretty good), but I can't get myself to stop caring.

Dude, you don't stop caring. This person was everything to us. But harnessing the "anger" for what really transpired is enlightening to getting your head right. When my ex told me I needed to let her go, it f'n crushed me and I reacted with lack of dignity, value and respect for myself. This woman kicked you out of her life. Having hope is exactly why you will never get her back. Google "It's not no contact that has them begging for a second chance; it's truly not giving a fuck that does" and read the reddit result. This is about the best advice given on letting go. It's brilliantly written.

Remember, no contact has a 100% success rate. Have you listened to that one yet on the Art of Love? You will either be contacted by your ex with something significant and maybe back together, you will either be contact and not get back together or you WON'T be contacted. For there to be ANY hope of getting back together she will have to contact you with complete and utter humility. Do you really see that happening? Can your ever trust her not to do it again?

Maybe you won't want her back. What would it look like even if you did get back together? Frankly, I've increasingly come to realize I don't want my ex back. When you stop idealizing the good of the relationship and for that matter, your ex, and you acknowledge the bad (you've said it yourself as I too have in my case... there WAS bad), it's a no brainer. There is someone out there who will appreciate your value and what you have to offer and who would never EVER walk away from you and the relationship, they would do everything in their power to try to work on it.

In the "no contact has a 100% success rate" podcast, Lucia says this and it is totally accurate: If this person kicked you out of their life, left you and doesn't think you're the one, then that only means, she's not the one for you. How could she be??

My ex said told me at one point that she didn't think I was the one. That too crushed me, and I reacted with, "of course I'm the one." UGH!!!!!Looking back, I think I had a mini break down of sorts. Life had caught up to me. Today, I'm like, yup, if I'm not the one for you, then that just means, you're not the one for me and if you don't care enough to work on it, don't want to be with me then.... Bye Bye!

Lastly, you have hope because you have not embraced the abundance of options mindset. You still think this ONE PERSON is your end all be all. Dude, if this is your end all be all person, and I say that for myself as well as you...God help us both.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 7:37 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Thanks Kintsugi. I'll check out that reddit post. I did listen to the art of love podcast about no contact having 100% success rate. My heart is hurting today. I know you're right that my ex girlfriend isn't the ONLY ONE for me. I know that because I thought my exWW was the only one for me, and then I found my exGF. Logically, there will be another one out there. But emotionally, she's all I think about.

Really struggling hard today to fight the urge to reach out. This is so hard. If she's not coming back, then I just want to be able to move on, but I can't seem to be able to do that either. So frustrating.