SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something this whole crapshoot has taught me is that we Betrayeds are alone.

Our spouses are incapable of intimacy with us, because we’re real. They aren’t.

So we’ve been in a relationship with a shell, an empty husk where a whole human being would normally be.

I’m accustomed to being alone. I just didn’t know I was until the last 5 years.

My offspring are much more real than their father.

He’s so clueless he doesn’t comprehend what he’s lacking

Which is why he will never have the relationship he wants because he’s incapable

(((20yrsagoBS))) I was more alone in my M than I am being on my own (not going to lie though it does get lonely but never lasts long).

Our spouses are incapable of intimacy with us, because we’re real. They aren’t.

Could really relate to this. That was the issue the entire M, no intimacy.

Isn’t it amazing how much work/love/effort we invested into a pipe dream?

WH says it wasn’t a pipe dream

He claims he’s a changed man after DDay 1996

But he continued to lie to me, gaslight, etc

He still craves attention

He hasn’t changed. Getting caught just made him sneakier

I have told him sneaking is exerting an awful lot of energy for nothing

So he denies sneaking

I just won’t play into it anymore

Hi ladies,

Been catching up with reading about gaslighting and narcissistic abuse.

It appears that Betrayeds are alone but there are so many of us out there.

My latest self help book, Recovery from Gaslighting, Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency and Complex PTSD by Don Barlow, arrived today. It’s going to be another long and lonely read.

I so hate playing victim but I am really only just discovering how much abuse I have been subjected to. I can’t get my head around it.

I don’t have hope of Recovery from this.

Recovery seems like a pipe dream.

Hope you are well considering.

I am still in lockdown for about a month… like infidelity, Covid just keep giving.

Do you find yourself searching for something/ someone that can relate to this pain and just take it away? Here it is 3 1/2 years and I have a few days of peace then my reality sits in again. I am now getting close to 70 and I am actually alone as you have written. We are still married and do things together and travel but it just will never be the same. A 72 year old man that tells himself it is okay to take a 28 year old out to lunch when he has been married for 36 years just isn’t someone I want to be married to. I loved and respected my husband so much and to find out I was not loved is so painful to me. Of course, he says the usual that he did and he wasn’t ever going to leave me etc. I just feel the minute he told himself it was ok to text her he divorced me. I am just so sad. Counseling, meditation and time has not diminished my pain at all.

Sad,

I feel likewise.

The harm is permanent

I had hoped once WH is deceased I will feel relief, but ThrownAway99 has shown me it only leaves you with more unanswered questions

20years I see your husband says similar things to mine. Like we are just going to believe what they say. I believed it for 36 years and look where that got me.

Yes,

Believing them was a mistake.

I assume most of what he says to me are lies nowadays. He gets angry when I say it out loud.

Hi my friends…it’s been a bit so I thought I would check in.

20yrs - you are so right in my situation about the unanswered questions. My WH did lie about everything to me…and then lie some more after Dday. And more truths pop up even now about his affairs…I think cheated for 2 years longer than he told me…right up until he got diagnosed with Cancer.

Here’s the odd thing…the new information doesn’t hurt me any more. It’s more of a "yup" well that explains a lot.

In hindsight looking back at my marriage, I was lonely for years. All those cheating years. I filled myself up with my kids, friends and diy house projects but there was always a void. I thought something was wrong with me. I could never pinpoint why I felt so alone….and sorry if it’s TMI, but why I no longer enjoyed sex with my WH. I now believe it was my body knowing more than my head did. Somehow reacting to not feeling safe.

On a happier note…today is my birthday. I am thankful that I got to spend the weekend with my kids and will have supper out tonight with my best GF’s.

And I have dipped my toe into online dating at the urging of my friends. My kids are okay with it and my daughter helps with my "swipes". I discovered quickly, I have even have issues chatting at the same time with more than one man. God knows how my husband carried on with me and 2 other women at the same time. I am not built for it.

Had a 4th date with a man…and finally disclosed about my past…that I am not just a simple grieving widow…but instead have a past full of trauma. Go figure…his wife cheated on him also…they lasted 5 years past Dday then she left him and they finally divorced. Makes me wonder if everyone out there is either a betrayed person or a cheater. Taking this at snail pace and trying not be closed minded as I find my willingness to trust anyone is small.

I am a work in progress still but leaps and bounds better than I was a year ago when WH died and 2 years ago at Dday.

Happy Birthday 99!!!

I hope you kick up your heels and enjoy a big celebration!

And I hear and agree with all you said.

These monsters don’t care that they are sentencing us to a life of fuckedupedness with their evil.

Happy Bday TA999!
And congrats on dipping your toe into OD, and even being vulnerable with someone on a date!
That sounds amazeballs to me.

why I no longer enjoyed sex with my WH. I now believe it was my body knowing more than my head did. Somehow reacting to not feeling safe.

I agree... my bedroom went dead during my WH's PA, and it's only in hindsight I realize that my body KNEW something was up with him, and that I did NOT feel safe with the vulnerability of sex with him / that he was not emotionally present. I've been watching the miniseries Maid, and at one point an IC says that a panic attack is your body knowing something. I had my first / only full on "I think I'm having a heart attack right this minute" panic attack a couple of months after my WH first had sex with his LTAP.

The body really does keep the score.

Hope you have a wonderful evening with your GFs tonight.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I had great day.

I finished Maid and thought it was fantastic. I really liked how they portrayed the emotional abuse…and that the main character, Alex, did not even realize that what she was experiencing was abuse. It showed that not all abuse is stereo-typical and physical. It’s the gaslighting and control. The baby steps of how it can worsen over time. And how hard it is to break free of the cycle.

And yes 1000% I agree, the body keeps score.

Hi Goddesses!

Throughout all of this turmoil, have any of you figured out why these monsters did this to us?

Please tell me

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 9:16 AM, October 27th (Wednesday)]

TA999 - Maid was cathartic for me. My own life had some very similar twists & turns (tho wasn't homeless), and my mother shares many of the narcissistic and abandoning qualities shown by the Andie MacDowell character (and wasn't she amazing!)

20yearsago, I would say a lack of integrity and sense of entitlement, topped with opportunities.

Throughout all of this turmoil, have any of you figured out why these monsters did this to us?

Figured out that WH is a malignant narcissist and I am easy prey.

WH was always on the look out for more narcissistic supply.

He’s a bottom feeder. He was always looking for something in the gutter and eventually fell head first down the sewer with the last exit affair.

WH is still soo vain. The last AP was just as vile. He was embarrassed to introduce her to his mother. He was embarrassed by her looks. He wanted to keep her his dirty secret.

I know WH needs me to make him look good. End of story.

My monster just couldn’t stand it that I am just too good for him. I strongly believe that he set out to destroy me. He couldn’t and wouldn’t let someone else have me at my best. He’s a coward, liar and a thief. He stole my world.

Throughout all of this turmoil, have any of you figured out why these monsters did this to us?

After much thought and reading, I believe mine had covert narc tendencies and part of his cheating was to somehow feel more powerful than me. And the sad fact he told me he just did not care about me or our kids.

I know he harboured a lot of unspoken resentment towards me…when I would ask or check in about our relationship or his mental state, he would alway lie and say everything was fine. I only found out about his years of resentments towards me after Dday when he so many times openly blamed me for it…my faults and my personality caused him the cheat.

Now I know that is utter bullshit…the gift of time has let me come to terms with it. There’s nothing wrong with me at all…it was always him.

While he looked confident and like the perfect father/husband…it was all for supply from colleagues, friends and family. When that was no longer enough…he needed to "feed" the narc in him so the cheating started. And his AP’s gave him the supply too..he told me about their conversations and was definitely feeding his ego. And finally the lying and keeping me in the dark made him feel powerful and thus gave him supply.

My monster just couldn’t stand it that I am just too good for him. I strongly believe that he set out to destroy me. He couldn’t and wouldn’t let someone else have me at my best. He’s a coward, liar and a thief. He stole my world

Yes, I think this was true in my case also. I think WH stayed with me purely for the kids and not wanting to have no one to live off of anymore. He didn’t want to have to get a job to which he really had to put in a full days work. WH stole years from me.

But time helps…and knowing he can’t steal anything else from me anymore. Life is short and no one knows what tomorrow will bring…maybe it’s a bit selfish but I am putting myself first for a while. Not over my kids, but instead allowing myself to find some joy in my life even if it’s just a small little thing…a sunny day, walking the dogs with my kids, connecting with friends.

Ps…a bit off topic. Things are going well with my online dating guy…our personalities seem to mesh. He is quite opposite to who I ever imagined myself dating. Of course with online dating, everything is quite superficial at first…you basically swipe on appearance. But his personality is so far awesome…and I find feelings are starting to be there for me. The whole sex thing terrifies me…but that’s a whole other post. Lol

when your ex's birthday, your relationship anniversary and the D-day anniversary go by and you either don't notice it all until later or you notice what day it is and just continue your day joyfully: aahh, the magnificent feeling of healing!

I am happy single and healing now, but sometimes I do think: will the trust issues surface once I start dating again?

Hedwig - what would have been my 25th wedding anniversary went by recently without a thought.

And yes…I realized this past weekend on a date that I have trust issues. He answered a text that clearly had 2 huge red heart emoji in the thread…my stomach flipped. I had to remind myself that this new person’s "trust jar" is full right now…I have absolutely no reason not to trust him…and we our newly dating…he owes me nothing. My heart is most definitely guarded.

I don’t have trust issues.

I trust that Stbxwh is a narcissist.

I trust myself.

Only last night, the ex Narc finally admitted to having sex with the exAP during his fake attempt at reconciliation with me.

I knew it and it has taken 2 years to get an admission out of him.

We were fighting a lot about me accusing him of still seeing her. His denied till he was blue in the face.

Calling me crazy. Telling my children that I am CRAZY!

I knew he hadn’t cut contact but the sex bit, I wasn’t certain of. But he accidentally told the truth.

He is even more of a POS than Ever before.

So today I start a new chapter towards Healing. 🙏🏼