SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t read all 4 pages but I just want to say that my WW did the most damage after Dday, minimizing, TT, and deleting every shred of evidence. You know this, you have walked this path.

If you want to end this and make right, you need to be full disclosure and transparency, anything short of that will cause more damage to your H and relationship.

I wish you the best

[This message edited by Tanner at 10:59 AM, December 9th (Wednesday)]

I respect what you all are saying. But my husband was going bonkers and acting irrationally as he was trying to end the affair going as far as threatening suicide. He has said as much throughout this reconciliation when spiraling down.

And lastly- he is not in IC. He was only going to get the therapist to help him become what I need him to be....pretty much a “tell me how to get her to stay” kinda thing which upsets me.

I don’t think his own well-being will be able to handle it. I will tell him but he doesn’t need to see the messages. They don’t mean anything.

I will tell him but he doesn’t need to see the messages. They don’t mean anything.

Self protection and minimization.

I respect what you all are saying. But my husband was going bonkers and acting irrationally as he was trying to end the affair going as far as threatening suicide. He has said as much throughout this reconciliation when spiraling down.

And lastly- he is not in IC. He was only going to get the therapist to help him become what I need him to be....pretty much a “tell me how to get her to stay” kinda thing which upsets me.

I don’t think his own well-being will be able to handle it. I will tell him but he doesn’t need to see the messages. They don’t mean anything.

I will just say this is your own justifications at play.

Any BS knows that the pain is in the details. Don't you think he thought some of the details of his affair "didn't mean anything"?

I will just say I deleted all my messages too, and it was a huge stumbling block and still is in some ways.

The fact that my h and his AP didn't have a lot of evidence in that way bothers me, even though I know that what you are saying is true - it would probably just haunt me and maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't. Maybe he did and doesn't any more. It doesn't matter, I have no idea of the dynamics. Thus, I have no idea what I am accepting.

You are telling yourself WS stories. You likely haven't told him because you don't know what you want to do about it all yet and you are keeping the option to communicate with this man open while you mentally work through that. Don't do that if I am right.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:32 PM, December 9th (Wednesday)]

I don’t think his own well-being will be able to handle it. I will tell him but he doesn’t need to see the messages. They don’t mean anything.

Not really your decision.

He needs to know, and he should be allowed to see content. Make sure you have a mental health professional on standby when you do. Maybe make an MC appointment, and share. That way he is in a safe place should he spiral. But you should not be in control of his recovery from your affair.

My best advice moving forward: Make a commitment to yourself to not be a stumbling block towards your success, or the success of R. You may not decide to want the latter, but don't take that option out by continuing down this path.

I seem to recall that you were really bothered by not having access to all the information regarding your husband's affair Mickie. Why is it that you think you get to decide what is important for him to know or not? Why is that you think you get to dictate for him what he needs to heal or move on from it?

I'm honestly kinda gobsmacked at the inherent hypocrisy in that thinking... especially because you know first-hand how it feels to have someone else decide for you what is important or not.

I don’t think his own well-being will be able to handle it. I will tell him but he doesn’t need to see the messages. They don’t mean anything.

Respectfully, you should let him make that choice. Don't delete anything and let him decide what he wants to see. It is horrible to be told one thing and not be able to verify it because the evidence has been deleted.

EllieK did you show your messages?

I get it what you’re saying but now my husband and I will have that in common. He didn’t want to see the exchange with the coffee date guy.

I get it what you’re saying but now my husband and I will have that in common.

So is this just about getting even, or getting one up on him? Will it make you feel superior that you deleted the evidence like he did?

Landclark-

No not at all——I’ll be the same as him.

Maybe strive to be better? You started by saying you were concerned about his well being. Now it's oh well, we will be the same, like whatever, now he will just feel what I felt. No big.

You're basically still in a wayward mindset and it very much screams that you're just hell bent on getting even with him no matter what.

I didn't have messages to show as the BS, but I absolutely did want to see all the things between xwh and his apho on DDay1. It was my continued paranoia that led me to more messages with a different AP on DDay1 the remix.

For me, I would not have been able to even think of R without having all the info. And had I been told that I wasn't permitted to see it or that it had been deleted, that would not have been good.

Just my opinion, but a) you need to tell him and b) you need to give him as much info as he asks for and delete nothing. Cus he may not want to see it right this second, but may want to down the road. I think it is really important to a BS's healing that they have access to any and all information regarding the affair as they want. For me, it was damn near impossible to process even with all the info - it would have been a total non-starter without it.

Mickie I just feel like it's a bit disingenuous to say that you're withholding for his sake, when I really get the sense it's more about protecting yourself from fallout/consequence. Totally understandable human reaction, but you were a BS so you know exactly how crazy-making that loss of agency feels, so why would you want to do that to your wh? Or - just spitballing - is there a small part of you that wants to punish him like that? Again - tooootally understandable reaction if that is the case, but I think it would behoove you to really dig into your motivations here.

Just a thought too, but as a BS... I think there is difference between an affair and a madhatter affair. Not that either is good or excusable, but IMHO MH affairs stem from a different place - they are a knee-jerk reaction to the horrid trauma of infidelity. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but MH A's have a certain amount of leeway because of that.

So don't show them to him..unless he asks.

You have said you wont show him for his own good. Thats not true,and you know it. We know it. You aren't fooling anyone. Except your husband.

You don't want to show him because he didn't show you his messages. You are a very much "tit for tat" person. You've proven it,and you've said as much in this thread. Repeatedly.

You also won't show him because you are pining for the OM. If you show your husband, then your affair won't be special. And,maybe, you feel you would be betraying the OM. I could be wrong,but I don't think so.

I find it odd how a WS is suddenly so very concerned about their spouse's well being, when it comes to exposing the affair. There was no concern for them at all when you were having your fun.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:36 PM, December 9th (Wednesday)]

BW here. I didn't read all of the posts, but caught a few in the beginning. You are now the betrayer, correct? I can't really wrap my mind around how someone who was so hurt by infidelity could turn around and do it, but it's your story and you're trying to get out of the affair so we'll go from there.

You HAVE to disclose everything. Every detail, message, phone call, card, whatever. Your husband deserves to know everything just like you did when it happened to you.

You HAVE to go complete NC with OM. Now. Complete. No questions asked, just 'hey, I'm going to work on my marriage to save it because I love my BH."

Now, if you don't love your BH but want to stay because of the kids, it won't work. Kids sense things and having them in a broken home is worse than formerly living in one. They'll be fine if you treat a separation with care and respect.

This may sound harsh, but you were not worried about his reaction (threatening suicide, etc.) when you were involved with OM. Or perhaps you were, I wasn't there, but continued anyway. It happened. Now it's time to face what has happened if you want to save your marriage, or at least attempt to do so.

When it happened to you, you deserved to know everything. Well, now the tables are turned and he deserved to as well. This reminds me of another poster who seems to think he's in reconciliation but never told his wife about his affair. Makes no sense because the betrayed spouse deserves to know. I understand this isn't you, that you want to come clean but you want to withhold information. Not the same thing, but sort of.

It sounds like you want to get out of the affair, and I applaud you for wanting to do this, I really do. But leaving out information just isn't fair to your husband. I do agree with another poster that your actions could be out of spite. Not sure how to address that one. I truly hope you can be completely open and honest with him and that you can find a way to work things out.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 4:42 PM, December 9th (Wednesday)]

Maybe strive to be better? You started by saying you were concerned about his well being. Now it's oh well, we will be the same, like whatever, now he will just feel what I felt. No big.

You're basically still in a wayward mindset and it very much screams that you're just hell bent on getting even with him no matter what.

Landclark, why are you holding mickie to a higher standard than her WH? Is it wrong to want to get even with someone that’s wronged you?

Landclark, why are you holding mickie to a higher standard than her WH? Is it wrong to want to get even with someone that’s wronged you?

I am not sure where you're getting this from. I would tell this to any W, that the one they betrayed deserves to see everything. There is zero double standard here. This post is about her, but I would say the same to her WH.

Wrong to want to get even? Many of us have this thought. I am not going to put my blessing on actually doing it though.

Is it wrong to want to get even with someone that’s wronged you?

Of course not. Wanting to get even is a normal human reaction.

I think the issue LC is having here (correct me if I'm off base) is that Mickie knows first-hand how hurtful and damaging that withholding feels from a BS perspective, but is acting like it wouldn't be as damaging to her (now) bh for her to do that. Not a higher standard, but an equitable one.

Tho as an aside to that thought - where does 'getting even' end in a situation like this? Who does it actually hurt? How is 'even' determined?

NGL, I did think about having an RA after dday1. The few things that stopped me were 1. it wouldn't have hurt him as badly as he hurt me because he truly didn't give a fuck about how badly he hurt me with his A, 2. I was in no way going to give an inch on holding the moral high ground - not necessarily healthy, but true - he cheated, I didn't, nanny nanny boo boo, and 3. I was not going to allow his sorry ass to make me lose my integrity and my honor and my self-respect - did enough of that with humiliating pick-me bullshit after dday1 as it was.

After all is said and done, I am glad I didn't RA. I just think it would have hurt me more than helped me, no matter what the provocation. I got my 'even' by divorcing him and moving into a better, happier, and more peaceful life.

I got my 'even' by divorcing him and moving into a better, happier, and more peaceful life.

Yes! This!

I am not sure where you're getting this from. I would tell this to any W, that the one they betrayed deserves to see everything. There is zero double standard here. This post is about her, but I would say the same to her WH.

Wrong to want to get even? Many of us have this thought. I am not going to put my blessing on actually doing it though.

Honestly, I think you're too biased to hear what I'm saying. Hell, I could be too biased to hear what you're telling her so maybe this convo is a waste of our time. But I'll give it a shot anyway.

As a MH, I can say treating the RA the same as the initial betrayal is ludicrous. Mickie's (and my) WS had a faithful partner waiting at home when the A ended. That ain't the case in reverse. That's a huge difference.

And I'm not blessing the RA either.

Mickie, I am worried that you're going to lose yourself in this quest for revenge and punishment. I'm saying this from experience. I started down the path much like you are. I had a couple of trial "runs" that I ended before I actually cheated. After a shitload of soul searching, I think I used revenge, at least partially anyway, as some sort of crutch to avoid dealing with what happened. I think you see how easy it is to avoid those feelings when you're pursuing someone else. Revenge can be somewhat satisfying though, and it can teach the recipient a lesson that's hard to learn unless they get that little taste of their own medicine. I know it sure as hell did in my case. It just comes at a cost that includes huge amounts of time. I guess I'm trying to say I think the energy put into revenge would be better spent on pursuing a new life without the need to plot against a cheater.