SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We're trying to stop you from doing something even worse. You still have time to stop the train.

You've read it here before, there is no balancing the scales. When we betrayed out spouse, we smashed any scale that ever existed. You can have a full blown revenge affair, but I don't think that will truly help you feel better in anyway. I think it may make you feel, even if it's just a tiny bit, less. You're putting your integrity in the trash just like we did. Is that really what you want to feel?

If your heart truly can't justify staying, that's ok. While we all want our BS to stay with us and work on things, it's also 100,000,000% understandable when they can't. We are asking a monumental thing of you to give us another chance.

I don't know you besides what you have written, but I can tell you that I really don't want you to follow the same path I did. You will never be able to look at yourself again the same way. You will never feel like yourself. You will always see what you did when you look in the mirror, when you look into your child's eyes, and when you look at your husband.

I didn’t sign up to be married to a man that would cheat on me and I know my heart can’t justify staying..... my brain has only come up with attempts to balance the loss and it’s been a battle internally. The truth is I don’t want to divorce but I don’t like feeling that he got one over on me and he needs to pay for it.

Mickie that there is your truth, your pain, and your path forward.

You're using these other men for your RA in a very selfish way. I see your posts and I want to scream at you to not do what we did. But you already have.

So re-read the bolded excerpt from your post. You're hurting, you feel stuck, you want him to pay. BUT, you're not addressing your problem.

I'll be blunt - shit or get off the pot. You either need to decide to separate/divorce, work on possible R and M (and that is a lot of work) or rug-sweep and deal with even worse fall out later.

I think you're feeling that everything is not right with you at the moment and that's OK. That is the time when you need a time out to examine what is going on.

Many waywards tell their BS they can have a hall pass. They do so because they don't like dealing with the consequences of their actions. Therefore,when you trigger he can tell you he doesn't want to know,he doesn't bother you with his triggers,so he expects the same from you. He won't ask questions, therefore he expects you to do the same. He won't talk about his pain,so you better not either. He will expect you to shrug your shoulders and move on. After all you are even now.

It will be an impossible environment to heal in.

He may be one of the few waywards who can discuss your affairs, separately, and not bring up what you've done when you need to talk about his affair. But those are very rare.

If he is truly single,then you have no choice but to tell your husband. When the AP is married, they typically won't tell your BS, because then their BS will find out as well. You don't have that. I'm sure you believe you have a special connection, and he would never do that. You are wrong.

Gently..you sound like a child. Remember back when you were 12-13 years old. And you had your first boyfriend. Remember talking to your friends about it..."we've been going out for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!" Thats you you sound. Its been 4 days! You do not love him and he doesn't love you. So what if you knew him long ago. You are not that person anymore. Neither is he. You are drowning in pain,and he is a grown man sending dick pics to someone else's wife. He is no better than your husband's AP.

Block him. Now. Before this gets worse. If you won't do it for yourself, or your husband, do it for your kids. When a mom is cheating,she isn't a good mom. You've already said you are constantly in contact with him. That's time away from the kids. You said you are irritable when he takes awhile to respond. Your kids feel that. You are hurting them. Don't do that. Come on, hon. You are better than that.

you need to do what you would want your/a WH to do:

the best chance of recovery is for you to confess before

being found out.

do not delete evidence, luckily you sent no naked photos.

best to block the OM and send a NC request stating that

you will expose this affair to OMW.

after your WH/BH sees the evidence then shut down all

your social media. you have shown that you are too weak

to use all social media properly.

Hellfire-

I’m not saying 4 days is a long time or that I think I love him I’m saying that the depth of the shit I stuck my foot in is entirety too deep——I should not be feeling this attached. It’s silly AF.

Please know I can 😳 how ridiculous these feelings are and I’m surprised that I’m feeling them.

Gently... why do you think you associate what your WH did with a positive character trait? Why do you think you failed to identify that what he did is sleazy, immoral, low character and frankly nobody can claim to be a good person whilst they are betraying their spouse and kids?

If you would have identified this you wouldn’t have been so eager to join him in the pig pen. I’m sorry if I’m too blunt but this is exactly it.

Look I get it. I (and almost every BS on this site) also felt that the only way to react to deep betrayal is by showing the betrayer the pain of it. It’s a normal human reaction. Hurt people hurt people. My WH also told me eagerly that I’m free to go and help myself to any man if it helps my healing. Translation: if you stop showing me how awful I’ve been by betraying you and the kids every day for 5 months, please go and have some sex with a random guy and level the playing field so I can demand you shut up and stop holding me accountable for my horrible actions.

How generous, right? My heart broke in two (again) when I realised the man I loved had no issue with another man caressing my body.

Back to what you’re doing: you always have a choice regarding your actions. You’re posting here and your posts are so triggering that if I wouldn’t be 3 years out I would feel extremely angry at your waywardness. “It just happen, I am trying to stop but I don’t know how, why does my husband need to know, I’m so attached already...” That shows me you actually took no time to focus on the negatives of an affair. You decided your husband won the lottery by having an affair and you want some of it too. That’s just sad... you truly believe that betraying your spouse, lying through your teeth, gaslighting, not giving a shit about your kids and their pain when they start taking on the consequences of their parents cheating is some sort of positive experience and you HAVE to have some of that too. How sad is that?

He told me that I could do whatever I wanted with a msn if it’s what I needed to come back to him. I also shared that here with you guys.

Ok, so then why can't you talk to your WH and decide a way forward? Why are choosing to hide and deceive him if he probably wouldn't even be surprised by your bad behavior? Is it because you're not ready to give up the OM yet?

Mickee,

As a fbh this make no sense to me

I didn’t sign up to be married to a man that would cheat on me and I know my heart can’t justify staying..... my brain has only come up with attempts to balance the loss and it’s been a battle internally. The truth is I don’t want to divorce but I don’t like feeling that he got one over on me and he needs to pay for it. He told me that I could do whatever I wanted with a msn if it’s what I needed to come back to him. I also shared that here with you guys. He’ says his willing to do whatever I need to feel better and he has. But as I’ve shared here openly with you I’m struggling with his betrayal and trying to hold myself together. I have expressed that even though he has offered up me having a fling with someone in my mind it wouldn’t be the same with “permission” it wouldn’t cut him as deeply as it cut me.

So, if your A hurts your WH/BH would you now allow him to once again do whatever he feels he needs to even the score with you?

This cycle will end terribly for both of you if things stay the same.

Have the two of you talked about an open marriage because basically that is what you appear to have.

It is so frustrating when you all try to turn my already bad actions into something worse when I’m here speaking what truth I believe I have inside.

Gently, what you're doing is already worse. You're actively cheating on your husband. To me, this quoted bit is very much wayward mentality. You're trying to justify your cheating just like many waywards do. Getting defensive about your choices when questioned.

There is no justification for cheating. You're not justified to cheat because you were cheated on. Also it doesn't seem to be making you feel better, just worse, so really is your plan to get even really working out for you? Or are you just spiraling even more?

I think if we're all being honest, many betrayed, including myself, consider a revenge affair. It's not wrong in my opinion to have that thought. Actually doing it though is another story completely.

I should not be feeling this attached. It’s silly AF.

It is absolutely silly, but given your current mindset and struggles, it also makes total sense. Is it really him you're attached to though? I think you need to dig deep and figure out why exactly you're attached to it and address that.

You’re actively engaging in an affair. Stop trying to paint yourself as anything but the bad guy here. Affairs are NEVER ok. Confess to your husband. Full transparency. Go NC.

You do NOT GET A PASS.

How did you stop contact?

You just stop. I don't think that is what your asking. I think you want to know how to stop this without dealing with any pain? The truth is you can't. You have to rip the Band-Aid off.

And to the bigger question, why you are in this current predicament, is more of the same. The reality is there are no easy answers and quick fixes. You husband perpetrated a horrible wrong upon you and your marriage. You did not deserve this, but unfortunately, you are stuck cleaning up the mess he made. It is not fair nor should you feel ok with it.

But you have to accept that it happened and that--although you did nothing to deserve it--you must now have to deal with the fallout. You need to stop looking for means that provide instant gratification and embrace the fact that this is going to suck for while. It is not hopeless, but time takes time. You will have good days and some very bad days. It will be one step forward and one step back, but the general trajectory will be away from this mess he made.

The takeaway: You will be ok, and it will get better (emphasis added). The sun will still rise tomorrow. But you need to work on acceptance of this entire situation to get yourself off a path of self-destruction.

[This message edited by KingRat at 12:01 PM, December 2nd (Wednesday)]

Mickie Honey - you are turning yourself inside out right now, and don't really have a full grasp on the damage you are doing not only to your M but to yourself.

Are you in IC if not please set up an appt with one that specializes in trauma and infidelity. You have to work through this regardless of if you stay or leave. The need to get even is a fantasy, it doesn't happen. The even happens when the WS does the work to fix their own internal issues that allowed them to justify their actions. When they become that better stronger healthier person. If you are looking for fair there is no fair in infidelity. It just is a part a life, and life is NOT fair.

Now stop justifying, and figure out if you want to really save your M or walk away, and if you do want to walk then walk. But for gods sake stop this insanity. Two wrongs never make a right.

The way I see it if you want to attempt to truly rebuild and stay numero uno thing to do is tell your spouse and with him present set up NC, and delete this person from everything immediately.

Then stop focusing our pain and attention other than where it needs to be - On you first, and your spouse second. Put your energy there. It sucks. It hurts, the kibbles, and ego boost won't be immediate, but they will come when real work is done.

Thank you all so much. I knew I needed to hear from everyone. I needed it.

You need more.

I didn’t sign up to be married to a man that would cheat on me and I know my heart can’t justify staying.....

Then FUCKING LEAVE. Don't cheat, leave.

my brain has only come up with attempts to balance the loss and it’s been a battle internally. The truth is I don’t want to divorce but I don’t like feeling that he got one over on me and he needs to pay for it.

Then you should have told him that. You need more recompense to feel happy and safe in your marriage. OR if impossible for him to do, LEAVE.

He told me that I could do whatever I wanted with a msn if it’s what I needed to come back to him. I also shared that here with you guys. He’ says his willing to do whatever I need to feel better and he has. But as I’ve shared here openly with you I’m struggling with his betrayal and trying to hold myself together. I have expressed that even though he has offered up me having a fling with someone in my mind it wouldn’t be the same with “permission” it wouldn’t cut him as deeply as it cut me.

The hallpass concept of equalization is wildly flawed in a number of ways. He crushed the foundations of your marriage, then handed you the sledge hammer and said, "Sorry I did this all myself, want to take a couple swings at the rubble?"

It's OK to be broken by his actions. Be broken for a bit. Leave him, and heal alone.

I hate that you all see me in this bad way when I’m here trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I’m working on trying not to die inside. I have been as honest on here as any moment I can actually articulate what I’m feeling.

The shit sucks royally, on that we can agree. It doesn't justify your actions.

I went on coffee dates with someone I kinda knew.... and went out with an ex lover- I started posting pictures of myself a lot on Instagram and I was tagged in some photos with mutual friends that I hadn’t seen in years. If I could upload photos I’d send the exchange. He reached out to me and I’ve been opened up. I was feeling like I needed an off ramp to help quiet my pain.....and in 4 days he was that. After speaking with me over the phone on FaceTime I realized it’s an explosion waiting to happen.

You should know nothing you did here was a good way to quiet the pain. It was a combination of escapism and revenge.

It is so frustrating when you all try to turn my already bad actions into something worse when I’m here speaking what truth I believe I have inside.

Minimization from a cheater. I'm SHOCKED. SHOCKED I say. That said, good on you for even logging in here when you are neck deep in the affair fog. You need to cut this shit out now and come clean. You are doing ongoing damage to yourself, your husband, and your marriage even if you don't want your husband and your marriage anymore.

Poppy704

How are you getting that I’m trying to paint myself as anything?

I went on coffee dates with someone I kinda knew.... and went out with an ex lover

So this is actually your 3rd attempt at an RA. What exactly do you feel would even the scales?

Not to sugarcoat things, as other people have said you are actively cheating. You are not on the road to infidelity, you're already there and obviously don't feel bad about it.

I'm sorry if this is harsh but your recent posting history seems to show this is something you want, something you feel you are entitled to and you're the only person who can stop.

One thing I'm confused about is why you post in the Reconciliation Forum when it's clear you're not working on reconciliation. Oh I know you said you want to stay married because you have children but that's not the same as being reconciled.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever feel better.

Stand up. Wipe the shit off of you. Find your integrity. Be brave,and honest.

Want to feel better? Act better.

You seem to think that we don't understand why you did this. Nearly every BS considers cheating as revenge,as a way to feel better. We do actually get it. But no one is going to tell you it is ok.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:00 PM, December 2nd (Wednesday)]

Mickie, it's ok if you think that you'll never feel better. That's completely understandable. I'm sure you will at some point. You'll want to feel better and will hopefully do healthy things to make you feel better.

You really should consider doing a temporary separation. Maybe that time alone will help your mind settle and become clearer. Maybe it will show you that you don't want to be married to him anymore. Maybe it will show you that you really do want to work on a new marriage with him. Whichever thing it shows you, it will be a good thing because you gave yourself time to think instead of feeling pressured.

Your kids will be ok with a separation, because as a mom I know that you will make sure of it.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever feel better.

Well I can tell you that making the conscious choice to become a cheater is probably not going to make you feel better either.

Look, being a BS blows. It's devastating. But it seems to me that instead of dealing with your trauma, you wanted to just go get some on the side to avoid your feelings. I get it. I do.

But you're not fixing a damn thing by also being a cheater. You're just making everything all the more fucked up. Just like I'd tell you as a BS that your wh owed you to talk to you about problems in the M cus he didn't fix anything by falling into another woman's genitals, you ain't gonna fix your issues with another dude.

I just think you owe yourself some radical honesty here. If you're done then be done. Cus this tit for tat scorekeeping dynamic that you're trying to set up is very unhealthy imho, and not a recipe for long term marital well-being.

And yeah, a LOT of cheaters (mine included) offer the 'free pass'. I know mine just wanted me to do that so he'd have a reason to feel like he wasn't 'that bad', like somehow him choosing to fuck me over was okay. And it was not. What yours did wasn't okay either, and no matter what you do, nothing will ever make what he did okay. Give it time and work on you and you'll be able to get some distance from the hurt.