SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Being faithful was never a chore or job for me....I was happy and proud to be true.

I have never had a boyfriend cheat on me. However I have ALWAYS dealt with disrespect by ending the relationship and doing whatever I needed to do to get over it. I have never cheated before.

My personality type is either to dump the guy or to balance the scales.

Well in a marriage my coping mechanisms are not working. I’ve never stayed with someone who has crushed me the way my husband has. I’ve never “not” seeker revenge if I was hurt bad enough.

I’m deciding to stay and work it out but it seems like this pain will ever end. A part of my brain encourages revenge and it tells me I’ll get over it and be able to move forward if I satisfy this revenge my ego wants.

I am trying to stop the speeding train now.

Ellikmas-

It really just happened. He reached out on Instagram.

Mickie,

Time and again I read about people always saying how they would never cheat, until they did. I was in that camp once too. Different reasons than you.

So how does the revenge feel so far? To this point your H doesn't know about this, but you are already worrying about how to extricate yourself and minimize damage to your H. Doesn't sound like a wife scorned.

My wife after D-Day openly admitted that she would relish in inflicting physical pain on the AP. She dreamt about it. She also admitted she thought about having an RA. She threw it in my face out of pain and hurt. She even gave me examples of past opportunities she declined and suggested it would be easy for her to start one up. She wanted to see me bleed a bit too. Ok, maybe a lot, but the point is that is a natural emotion.

Get help. Get your head straight before you do something you will really regret. I had a crappy A which really was about 3 months of hormone fueled excitement, 3 months of normalizing things and 6 months of trying to get out. And here I am 5 YEAR LATER, still dealing with my fuck up. How much time to you want to spend not only recovering form your H's affair, but also from yours too?

One of my best friends has lost her damn mind since she found out her husband cheated. She’s gotten her revenge and then some more and some more. She never dreamed of cheating on her husband before he cheated, she adored him and he broke her heart. She should’ve gotten a divorce.

You are following her path. I don’t advise it.

Just tell him the truth. You know in your heart that’s all any of us want. Revenge will never fill that hole.

I’m sorry if this sounds blunt, I don’t mean it to, I just don’t have a lot of time right now.

I’m deciding to stay and work it out

That's great. It means you are willing do the hard work,to repair the damage you've caused. You get to make that choice based on having all of the information in front of you. Your husband deserves to be able to do the same.

You are only as sick as your secrets. You know you have to tell him. And please don't make the mistakes many WS make. Don't delete anything. Otherwise,your husband will only have your word about what happened. And he won't be able to trust that yet. So he will be floundering for the truth. You can give him the gift of the truth. And,as a BS several years out,I can promise you, it IS a gift.

But you know this. And you know,if for no other reason,you have to tell him because AP might. Or your AP's wife might one day happen upon your pics, and send them to your husband. And it will be worse, if he finds out that way.

Block him. Now. Then get some rest. Make a plan for the kids to be gone,and tell him the truth.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:12 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

Ellikmas-

It really just happened. He reached out on Instagram.

Hmm. This just is hard for me to believe though, since you've been talking about wanting to cheat for months. Maybe he did just reach out. But you CHOSE to engage and go further. That was absolutely a deliberate decision and what you're saying on this thread smacks of minimalization imho. Your AP is not some magical unicorn that has magic words that 'make' you do anything. He's a sleaze and not a good person and you are choosing to believe his bullshit because you are getting kibbles from it.

Look, I absolutely get wanting to hurt someone back when they hurt you. I totally get wanting to feel desired after being cheated on. I think those are very normal and expected human feelings in response to infidelity.

But you are making a conscious choice at this point to do something incredibly hurtful. And it won't just hurt you - it will hurt your kids, your h, your family, not to mention the apdouche's SO/kids/family. You are hurting allllll those people and you are doing it willfully and with first-hand knowledge of how bad that hurt really is. Does that sit well with you?

A part of my brain encourages revenge and it tells me I’ll get over it and be able to move forward if I satisfy this revenge my ego wants.

You've already listened to that part of your brain and did it. You are having a revenge affair. You "might" be able to move forward, but what about your husband? You say it's hard to let this POS go, but how do you feel about what you're doing to your husband? Do you honestly feel any ounce of remorse, regret, guilt, ashamed, disappointed, anything in yourself??

Why should he see the evidence? Seriously??? I get it, once you know you can never forget, but that's his choice. Don't delete anything. Come clean and tell him you will show him what he WANTS to see. Give him that choice. I know, he didn't give you a choice when he cheated, but look where that led you both.

Go NC, block him on everything, and find the strength or whatever you need to never unblock him again.

I'm sorry to say, but it was abundantly clear that you would become a WS as soon as you started writing on this site. You were hellbent on having a RA. You kind of came close, but then got mad at people when they said what you did wasn't right. Now, you've officially crossed over that line. You are now a WW.

You have suffered the horrific pain of being betrayed. You knew what it would feel like for someone else, even if that someone else has already been a betrayer.

You can separate even with kids. Will it suck? Absofreakinglutly.

Thank you fir being so blunt.

You’re kind of acting like you have no control over what’s happening. If you want to stop cheating, then stop cheating. If you’re being 100% honest with yourself, do you actually want to stop or are you secretly just hoping somebody will say it’s ok, that you’re justified and just keep having your fun?

Also at least verify the guy is actually divorced so at minimum, you’re not fucking over an innocent spouse while you have your fun.

I agree with most of what has been said except the bolded part:

1) Admit to your affair completely. Don't delete anything. Show it all to your H.

No. ASK YOUR H IF HE WANTS TO SEE IT before you show it. I, for one, wish I had not seen what I did. Maybe if my WH had confessed and asked me if I wanted to see it, having kept it all instead of hiding everything, I wouldn't have been so eager to see for myself. Instead, I caught him, spend $1000s of dollars having it "all" forensically recovered (not all but years worth of deleted shit), and he would not describe what was there except "a lot of sexting" and that I "would not like what I found".

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:56 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

SI is filled with waywards like yourself who never thought they would get caught and felt entitled to do what they wanted in response to slights both large and small.

Your situation, your mindset, and your response are not unique in the slightest bit. It seems you’re intent on staying on this train until it crashes.

Good luck.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:13 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

You’re right. I’m acting like I have no control. I feel like that inside but I do have control.

I spoke with him On FaceTime today from his house today. His ex wife came by to pick their son up while I was on the phone. He’s got an ex wife. He says he isn’t involved with anyone else.

Anyway- I told him I’m starting to feel guilty and that I’m thinking we should stop sexting. Just ween ourselves off of each other.

Mickie,

Yes it happens very fast with certain types of OM, they often have a plan for seduction written on a laminated card it seems. I amazed when I see their tired out lines work.

No. Just weening off each other is the same as full speed ahead. You can’t be “a little bit pregnant.” You have to go cold turkey. Every try to ween off cigarettes? Eat just one potato chip? Yeah.. doesn’t work that way.

Google limerance. Learn how the brain reacts to those chemicals.

Hard? Sure. But you can do it.

Sorry but that proves nothing. I have an ex husband who came by to pick up the kids. I also had a husband.

Any man willing to sext with a married woman isn't to be believed. He's not a Pilar of honesty and good behavior.

Ween off of each other? No. Hard NC. Done. Unless you want to continue cheating. Because any contact at all is continuation of the affair. You know this. You also know that a WS not only betrays their spouse,but their kids as well. You may be ok with betraying your husband..but are you ok with betraying your kids?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:28 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

Oh Mickie....

I'm 100% with EllieK - you've been saying you wanted to cheat for awhile. None of this "just" happened and none of it is "outside" your control.

Read these posts closely. There is no "weaning" off (and just how would you, as a BS, feel if your WS told you he'd been "weaning" off his A? I doubt most BS would have much room for that crap... and yes, it IS crap and I think you know it).

TBH, I'm wondering what you seek here. Not saying this to be a jerk, but honestly wondering. I think the whole of SI wants to support you in taking the hard actions you KNOW are required... so why the hesitation? Why the trying to talk yourself into more bad choices on top of those you've made?

And I agree with Ellie as to understanding the need/want for an RA. Around month 6 I put myself into a bad situation with another man. And I came to my senses and left. Yes, the attention and being desired by someone other than my cheating WH was kind of intoxicating. And I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wanted for my WH to feel as shitty as I did. I wanted to hurt him - super duper bad. And despite being drunk... despite wanting to "just go for it" in my darkest parts.... and despite knowing I could do it and "no one would ever find out", I walked away, and never - not even once (and this dude has reached out) looked back.

Maybe one of the best lessons I learned: I don't need no stinkin' validation from some guy that wants in my pants. I don't need that stinkin' validation from ANYONE other than myself.

How can you get to that place in your own heart & soul? Cuz continuing this crap ain't gonna do it..... weaning off ain't gonna do it..... deleting the evidence bc it will hurt your (now) BH ain't gonna do it either. Who is the person you truly want to be? If this is it, then good for you.... but I don't think you'd be posting if that were the case.

Godspeed

Here's more of my bluntness, but are you effing kidding me???

I told him I’m starting to feel guilty and that I’m thinking we should stop sexting. Just ween ourselves off of each other.

You're "starting to feel guilty??" You "think" you should stop sexting? You're going to "ween yourself off" of him?

Not a single one of those words are good. You said you want to work on your marriage, right? Then those three sentences you wrote need to change big time.

You text him again and say "This is over. I made a horrible choice in texting you. I know that my actions will hurt my husband in a way that I am all too familiar with. Do not ever contact me again in anyway." You then immediately block his number. Don't wait for a response. Block him on every social media platform you are on.

If none of that sounds appealing to you, then go to your husband and tell him that you want a divorce. Stop leaving the both of yourselves in limbo. Stop pussyfooting around this.

"I have had that little voice inside me telling me that I will only be able to move forward if I have an affair of my own. Then and only then will I have a handle on my desire to reconcile."

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. One slight problem. Now you might not have any option to reconcile once you husband finds out, and if you keep it up he will.

So lets see. You've graduated from a couple of coffee dates, to an online affair full blown in four days. Now if this guy is divorced the plane fare are dirt cheap and next you'll be planning an in person hook up or since you're determined to have a real affair before reconciling you can just get back on the same dating sites you used for coffee dates.

This side of it is horrible

Horrible for who. Not you. You are still not satisfied you've done enough because you're not stupid and you know exactly what you should do.

"Anyway- I told him I’m starting to feel guilty and that I’m thinking we should stop sexting. Just ween ourselves off of each other."

Not a chance. Last I heard addicts need to go cold turkey.

You might want to pay more attention to the XWW trying to talk some sense in to you.

Seems like you're convinced hubby will continue to bend over backwards no matter what you do. Keep escalating this behavior and you might get some really bad results.

Beyondrage- thank you.

To clarify I am not on dating sites.

Thank you all so much. I knew I needed to hear from everyone. I needed it.

I didn’t sign up to be married to a man that would cheat on me and I know my heart can’t justify staying..... my brain has only come up with attempts to balance the loss and it’s been a battle internally. The truth is I don’t want to divorce but I don’t like feeling that he got one over on me and he needs to pay for it. He told me that I could do whatever I wanted with a msn if it’s what I needed to come back to him. I also shared that here with you guys. He’ says his willing to do whatever I need to feel better and he has. But as I’ve shared here openly with you I’m struggling with his betrayal and trying to hold myself together. I have expressed that even though he has offered up me having a fling with someone in my mind it wouldn’t be the same with “permission” it wouldn’t cut him as deeply as it cut me.

I hate that you all see me in this bad way when I’m here trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I’m working on trying not to die inside. I have been as honest on here as any moment I can actually articulate what I’m feeling.

I went on coffee dates with someone I kinda knew.... and went out with an ex lover- I started posting pictures of myself a lot on Instagram and I was tagged in some photos with mutual friends that I hadn’t seen in years. If I could upload photos I’d send the exchange. He reached out to me and I’ve been opened up. I was feeling like I needed an off ramp to help quiet my pain.....and in 4 days he was that. After speaking with me over the phone on FaceTime I realized it’s an explosion waiting to happen.

It is so frustrating when you all try to turn my already bad actions into something worse when I’m here speaking what truth I believe I have inside.