SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On the bright side, two people were nice to me today. They joked with me gently and were warm and kind. I need to be careful not to wear out my welcome with them. I’ll try to savor their kindness and think of that instead of the sad stuff. New brain circuits.

Chili, help!! Please remind me again why I shouldn’t give Mr Cupcake any headspace. He kept flirting with me the past month when I would see him, and today he talked about how he had the girl he likes over to his place on Monday night, but she had just gotten out of a relationship so he hasn’t confessed to her yet. I reminded him that I still have a crush on him but that I wish him the best. He started saying how much he admires that I can just come out and say it and that he wishes he could do that too, and he kept saying “You’re the best!” after I had already turned and was walking away. I already know - I was stupid to get suckered back in. And stupid to pursue him when he wasn’t interested (even though he never explicitly said he wasn’t interested or turned me down, just started saying how ‘awesome’ I am).

I’ll find someone better than him, right? I’ll get over him someday... right?

How do I get over him?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:22 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)]

Oh silver...sending good things your way tonight.

So I think the way to get him out of your head is to figure out how he got up in it in the first place.

Maybe it's time for some hard questions for yourself. (And these are just off the top of my head ones so I might be way off base.)

* What is it that you're "crushing on" you think?

* Are you attracted to him because he's given you little crumbs of attention?

* Do you want him to choose you over these other women and then you'll know you really are desirable?

* Are you interested in him because he's the first man in a long while to show interest?

* Does his game-playing feel comfortable to you because it's a familiar pattern?

From what you've written, he hasn't brought anything of real substantial joy or caring into your life. Games, flirtation, drama and some manipulation. I'm sad that you told him again you have a crush on him. I mean kudos for being so vulnerable, but IMO he hasn't earned that knowledge or validation. And he seems like the kind of guy that will put it in his trick bag and use it against you somehow.

Speaking of validation...have you added that into the mix of self reflection? Desiring physical touch and closeness with someone shouldn't come at your own expense.

Being enough for yourself is a great place to start. Because then you really realize what you are worth. And it's waaaay more than the pied piper of pastries is serving up.

Thank you so much, Chili!!! These are exactly the kinds of questions I needed.

So I think the way to get him out of your head is to figure out how he got up in it in the first place.

Thank you for this. If I can figure this out, maybe I can prevent it from happening again with other people like him in the future.

* What is it that you're "crushing on" you think?

* Are you attracted to him because he's given you little crumbs of attention?

Yes. I think this is probably the biggest thing. I first noticed him because when I showed him some of my nature art, instead of dismissing me, he looked interested and really seemed to listen. It feels like he turns his whole focus on me when I come in, and he says endearing things like, "Hey, it is *always* good to see you," and holds eye contact and all that... And if I notice him, he's usually already staring at me. The brief conversations we ever manage to get into are fun and lighthearted - he's got a very exuberant personality. I guess... he makes me feel less lonely.

* Do you want him to choose you over these other women and then you'll know you really are desirable?

This one, I'm glad to say, is a nope. I don't like competing - and I don't like the idea of stepping on other women to "achieve" a romance. In fact, one thing that helps turn me off to him is realizing how sorry I feel for the girl he likes. He's interested in her, but then acts the way he does around me and probably other girls. And he said he gets bored in relationships. Unless he's done the work on himself in the last two and a half months, he's probably got the same pattern, and he'll get bored with her too. I feel sorry for her. I doubt anyone would be enough to satisfy him with the way he is now. And even worse - she just got out of a relationship, so she might be more vulnerable. He might really wind up damaging her if he plays with her emotions or acts all irresponsible the way he does.

Ugh.

* Are you interested in him because he's the first man in a long while to show interest?

Yes. This for sure.

* Does his game-playing feel comfortable to you because it's a familiar pattern?

Sadly, I think it does. Or rather, it feels better than nothing. I'm not used to guys my age being interested in me, let alone guys who are healthy and "normal". Usually it's guys decades older than me, which makes me deeply uncomfortable.

From what you've written, he hasn't brought anything of real substantial joy or caring into your life. Games, flirtation, drama and some manipulation.

Thank you, that's a really good point. Substantial joy or caring... When I think of him on his own, he seems great, but that's because I'm on my own; when I think of him in comparison to someone who really genuinely cares, he doesn't seem all that real. He's flaky and not the sort of person who feels like he would be there in hard times. Not that I would expect him to, but it feels good to know there's a person who genuinely has your back. And he is not it.

I'm sad that you told him again you have a crush on him. I mean kudos for being so vulnerable, but IMO he hasn't earned that knowledge or validation. And he seems like the kind of guy that will put it in his trick bag and use it against you somehow.

You're probably right that he would try to use it against me somehow. And this is where I was a bit manipulative myself. We had this conversation in front of a barista who is a friend of mine (when Mr Cupcake isn't working at the bakery, he works at the coffee shop). If he attempts to find me or play with my feelings again, the barista will be able to see what he's doing. So I've just made it harder for him to play his mind games.

Speaking of validation...have you added that into the mix of self reflection? Desiring physical touch and closeness with someone shouldn't come at your own expense.

You are absolutely right about this, Chili. I have trouble figuring out the line between connection and validation. Not proud to write that. I think, more than anything, I want to find someone who I can feel safe with. But I know I also have abandonment issues, and we're told to work on those first before being close to anyone. So it feels like, I need to fix my own hole so I no longer worry about being abandoned and then... get close to someone after? But that's counter-intuitive to me. If I get used to being on my own, why would I want to be close to someone after that? It seems to be the best way to not worry about being abandoned is to not let anyone get close in the first place (which is the opposite of how I usually am with people). Not respond to words of validation, and not expect a person to want to get to know me when in all other ways, I've been wrong. Everyone leaves me eventually.

Being enough for yourself is a great place to start. Because then you really realize what you are worth. And it's waaaay more than the pied piper of pastries is serving up.

I agree with all of this. I want to be enough for myself - I feel like I'm getting there, just need to put a few missing puzzle pieces in place to have it really click. And I am definitely worth more than what he's serving up (I chuckled at "pied piper of pastries"). It's hard for me to imagine any guy treating me well or wanting to genuinely be around me. It'd be nice to have an idea of what that looks like. Since I don't, though, I should get back to enjoying being on my own. I used to have that way of being... If only I could remember why I stopped.

Thank you so much Chili ((((((HUGS)))))

I no longer worry about being abandoned and then...

Everyone leaves me eventually.

Here's the thing about these two sentences that took me a long time to really internalize.

Everyone (has the potential) to leave everyone eventually. I mean, it happens in genuine life-is-a-bitch kind of ways. People die. Or move on to other places in their life in healthy ways. Or even end relationships being kind and decent. Which may leave you in a place of feeling alone or grieving.

Those things are different than someone "abandoning" you in a cruel and intentional way.

But if you get to a place where you know you've got this life thing on your own, then you are more likely to act in your best interest in your relationships. Those needy, fearful, "having anyone is better than being alone" voices are more quiet.

When someone is introduced into your life, you can take a look at what it is they bring to the table to enrich your life. And trust yourself that if it all goes to shit, you will not tolerate it because you're just fine being on your own.

For me, it's the warmest, softest, and most consistent safety net ever. It's never let me down yet.

I think I've experienced far more of the cruel, intentional type of abandonment, than the other kinds. When a person moves far away, I don't tend to think of it as abandonment. Same when my mother was in her drug addiction - she feels like she abandoned me, but I don't. It had nothing to do with me.

Abandonment, rejection... I want to learn to not allow these things to hurt me anymore. I want to let go of my past experiences.

But if you get to a place where you know you've got this life thing on your own, then you are more likely to act in your best interest in your relationships. Those needy, fearful, "having anyone is better than being alone" voices are more quiet.

When someone is introduced into your life, you can take a look at what it is they bring to the table to enrich your life. And trust yourself that if it all goes to shit, you will not tolerate it because you're just fine being on your own.

For me, it's the warmest, softest, and most consistent safety net ever. It's never let me down yet.

I love this. So much. And I think there just might be a couple of people like that in my life - where our friendship feels gentle, warm, and fulfilling. Where they lift me up just being there. Where I love it when we put our minds together and dream of how we're going to make the world a better place. Where in each of our interactions with each other, the kindness is the point.

I need to learn to let go of the other more painful voices from the past and embrace those ones instead. Maybe I need a routine for when those other voices invade my head and my heart.

Earlier I was outside doing my work and saw him crossing the street in my direction. I lowered my gaze. He went inside the coffee shop and I turned my body away. He could have gone without walking near me. He didn't; instead he walked up close behind me and said, "Hello." I waved and promptly went back to my work.

So I'm struggling with that. We live on the same block so going NC is very difficult. But if I can't do that, I can at least build up better mental habits. At the time, I felt stone cold angry with him so it was easy to ignore him, but it hurts now. But I know it will pass. Posting here, and a list I made earlier of all the reasons to not seek him out, is helping me keep things into perspective.

He didn't say hello because he cares. He said hello because he wanted the ego-boost of knowing "she still talks to me so she doesn't totally hate me" or "this girl likes me, I'm just that good." I don't care to feed his ego either way; I don't have the energy to play mind games with him. My emotional well-being is my priority. Eventually he'll fade to backdrop as I focus on other things in my life.

He might be the pied piper of pastries, but my bakery is closed.

I'm probably also feeling sensitive because on Tuesday not one, not two, but FOUR assholes who have caused me pain decided to write to me on the same day asking for stuff: my dad, who abandoned me 11 years ago because he disagreed with my decision to become a mother; a friend I used to look up to who recently had a virtual baby shower I wasn't invited to; another friend I used to be close with who left me when he found out about my ex's abuse because he was worried I would need him as a "first resort" (I had deliberately not told my friends about the abuse for that exact reason - I didn't want to be burdening any of them); and the a-hole from work who often doesn't credit me for my ideas. I've been detaching and moving away from wasting time and brain cells on them and several others. It pissed me off that they all wrote me, that they could just act like it was cool to pop up whenever they wanted.

So I'm definitely more sensitive right now. But I know this will pass (I hope it will pass). I feel sad, but I can't cry. Exhausted. Wanting a hug, but of course this is Covid, I can't have one. Hopefully if I sleep enough, it'll feel a little easier when I wake up. My brain will eject them eventually, if I keep practicing shutting them out.

Struggling today.

No desire to break NC. But my body is in pain. Acid reflux all day. Racing thoughts. So much pain. I ran my meeting as best I could but had to leave early. Tried to do some work repainting a bench. I can’t sleep, but my body hurts, so I can’t get up to do stuff. And I have an online class I’ll be teaching on Monday but still finishing the slides. And so many other things to do. I feel overwhelmed.

This sucks, because I don’t know when the light at the end of the tunnel will be.

Silverhope, I like your quote...we either find a way or make one. You are making one. It’s not easy, it never is. Infidelity (and all the rest....) catapults us to a strange and scary place where we have no option but to start rebuilding almost from scratch. And that comes with unbelievable challenges. But eventually some unexpected rewards as well.

Mr Cupcake is not your reward. He’s yet another obstacle along the way and one that you are finding tricky to overcome. He showed you attention and flirted with you and it felt good, but the time has now come for you to move on. Having a conversation where he tells you all about his date and you admit to still having a crush on him.........you are better than that Silver!

Baby steps (and IC!). Rome wasn’t built in a day and the only way to make your ‘viam’ is to be true, and kind, to yourself

[This message edited by Karmafan at 5:47 AM, February 13th (Saturday)]

Having a conversation where he tells you all about his date and you admit to still having a crush on him.........you are better than that Silver!

It's possible that I shouldn't have done that. But I feel like I made the right call for myself, and here's why:

If I hadn't, I know it would have consumed my thoughts of wondering whether his flirtations and breadcrumbing were all in my head, or if I should have "tried harder", or a million other "what ifs". Instead, by being absolutely clear and saying, "You know I still have a crush on you," I feel I was calling him out for leading me on, without having a meltdown or making myself out to be the crazy one. I didn't say "how could you lead me on like that?!" because he could have easily denied it. But he couldn't deny that he already knew about my crush. So with what I said, I feel like the situation was made perfectly clear, so even though he isn't entitled to my feelings or my thoughts, I don't feel like I have to skulk and pretend everything's fine, when it isn't. There's something very relieving about a situation being said out loud and in the open.

Since then, I haven't said a word to him. Today I haven't seen him at all. Instead of giving myself excuses about running into him later (which I've done before when attempting to go no contact with someone), I'm trying to face the pain head on and go cold turkey. I'm not entertaining any fantasies of him chasing me nor of making nice with him, and I already know his breadcrumbs of attention would not be worth it, and I should avoid those from him or anyone else as if they were poison, or possibly addictive and destructive drugs. Just have to keep reminding myself of that when the pain is there. (Reminds me of a post a member made a long time ago here called "What if... it's rejection?" about rejection chemicals).

I read a great article earlier, about staying on my white horse and not breaking no contact. The author said something I am taking to heart, "Don't ever give people who dishonored you a reaction. They don't have anything new to say and neither do you."

I went to an outdoor workout class this morning - third one this week. Couldn't last long with my knee pain and the acid reflux, but I went and that will help long-term. Hoping to lose weight so I can move my body more easily. Didn't feel like going to a different class this morning (fractals in nature which I love, heavy on the math which I don't), because I felt like moping and possibly sleeping (didn't get much sleep last night), but I made myself go anyway. Chatted with a friend on IG about random stuff even though I feel a gap between me and this friend - but this friend embodies kindness and I need to remember what that's like in a person, so my standards will be better. And I'm currently working on slides for a class I'll start teaching on Monday, and preparing to return to one of my worksites next Friday for the first time in 11 months.

I don't feel totally here. Everything feels unreal in a way, and painful, and I'm feeling pretty sad, but it's blocked. I know I have this desire to run around and find a way to make myself feel better, to "put out the fire" if you will. But I'm not going to. I'm going to sit in this pain and do what needs to be done, and deal with the loneliness and hurt and anger and upsetting images. But with each upsetting image, I'm going to reality check too and not let myself go down a rabbit hole of falsehoods. And continue to virtually hang out with the people who are kind to me, even if they feel very far away, and even though what I'm really craving is a sexual connection with someone. It hurts knowing I need to be OK with not having one, when I miss it so much.

So I'll work on that next. Maybe not being OK with it, but at least accepting it and then allowing myself to forget about it.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:59 PM, February 13th (Saturday)]

So it’s been almost a week of NC. Still painful. I’ve tried to read articles about mind games people like him play and why NC will help and the reality behind the charming facade... but I’m still depressed. But I don’t think it has as much to do with him, as loneliness in general. I used to have friends who I felt so close to. I don’t anymore. I crave that feeling of safety and love. But the likes of him are only an unhealthy distraction from the loneliness, and would only worsen it in the end.

He’s going to end up alone. Even if he gets the girl and seems happy for a little while, he doesn’t have that emotional depth or maturity. He can seem caring, but only when it’s easy to be. I imagine he’s hurt a lot of girls. I can’t be the only one. There is no need to return to that pain. I will keep enduring the pain I already feel, rather than doing something I know will ultimately worsen it. I will maintain No Contact.

Like you said, Karmafan, I will make my own way.

I need to figure out two things: can I step out of all the pain in my life, which is fueled by diagnosed major depression? And should I step out of the pain if I find a way, or do I need to remain here until I’ve learned whatever lessons this pain is teaching me?

I will say, on a somewhat separate note, there’s a guy I think I might be making friends with.

I was standing in line at the coffee shop a few weeks ago. He was in front of me. He went in and came out (they only let in one at a time), and when I went in, my barista friends said he paid for my chai.

A couple weeks ago I saw him and thanked him. Somehow I’m never fast enough to be in line before him, so I haven’t managed to get him a coffee yet. We’ve chatted briefly a few times and learned each others’ names.

Well yesterday we had a 5 minute conversation. I should have asked him more about himself, but I got tongue-tied. I need to make a list of things I can say in a conversation with him. He asked about what I was working on, and we talked about the botany class I’m teaching. He said he’s sure we’ll meet again.

:)

Ugh. Starting over with NC. Went into the shop today to get coffee and movies, and he was there. I decided to ask for my movies anyway. While he was getting them for me, he began telling me AGAIN about the girl he likes, her age (25 to his 36), how they hung out for 7 hours and haven't started a relationship yet or talked about it, and then how he knows everything will work out for me one day... blah blah blah... Rather than being devastated by NC being broken, I'm disgusted. People like him aren't even worthy of being friends, let alone crushes. I hate having to schedule going in to get stuff around whether he's there or not - I'd rather just be able to go in whenever - but he disgusts me, and I don't want to waste any time in his presence if I can help him. Maybe, if I'm lucky, that girl he likes lives somewhere else, and while he's "being homies" or pursuing her or whatever, he can be over there and out of the neighborhood so I won't keep encountering him while I'm trying to live my life.

Also, my ex called me from the hospital - I recognized the number as being the hospital and thought it was a nurse calling about my blood pressure. Nope. I was thrown off guard. And then I guess he was released the next day because both yesterday and today he's come by to harass me here at home. At least this time my godmother didn't get all worried about him - she asked what she could do for me. For once. But I still feel like I swallowed broken glass.

More interpersonal ridiculousness happened on Thursday, but honestly, I'm too tired of it to go into what happened. There are a lot of people who I just plain don't care to be around, because they suck, and I am tired of feeling this pain.

I have my son. Started teaching my botany class. Was allowed to go back to my habitat restoration site on Friday. I have more than enough things to make me feel full and happy.

If every single guy I happen to meet sucks, and I miraculously miss all the awesome guys out there (and I know they are out there, because there are a huge number of them here on SI), then I will move on and remain single rather than settle for someone who sucks. If I'm stuck in a spot where my potential friends in the neighborhood also suck, then I will not waste my time on them anymore. LOL knowing me, I'll spend way too much time trying to look up self-help articles on the internet about how to deal socially with people like these and whether I'm overreacting. And how to fill the hole of emptiness without people (what would really help me would be to know how long it would take, and to find a specific program that helps you do exactly that). What I do know is: I'd really like to stop having those kinds of interactions, and the pain was enough of a clue about that.

Thank you for letting me vent here.

If every single guy I happen to meet sucks, and I miraculously miss all the awesome guys out there (and I know they are out there, because there are a huge number of them here on SI), then I will move on and remain single rather than settle for someone who sucks.

Respectfully Silver, have you considered that you might not be ready to date just yet? Have you done enough work on yourself, feel balanced enough in yourself, to envisage a positive, healthy, non threatening relationship RIGHT NOW?

You seem to be simultaneously repelled by men but also desperate for interaction, connection, validation. But there’s no expiry date on relationships. No deadline. You can afford to wait until you are ready. And you are not missing out on the good guys, it might just be that you are not ready for them yet. We are ready when we have tended to our wounds, found our bearings, made peace with ourselves and our history, rebuilt a life we are proud of. In other words, when we are ‘full’ without needing other people to ‘fill’ us.

And I know what I am talking about. I dated far too soon after my breakup, when I was still a mess, and wound up in yet another abusive relationship (I am thankfully out of now). It has been said many times on this site before and it is so true: broken attracts broken.

You just need to focus on your healing right now. You have some good starting points: your son and hobbies and activities and all the many positive things in your life. Recovery can’t be fast forwarded unfortunately....it is a painstaking process (I assume you are still doing IC). But you’ll get there Silver. There will a time when you won’t be defined by what has happened to you and you will just be....the very best version of yourself you could ever be

[This message edited by Karmafan at 5:11 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

have you considered that you might not be ready to date just yet?

Oh no worries, I don't see a relationship happening anytime soon. But I think it's important to think about what a healthy one looks like, even if I won't be getting into one just yet. Or possibly ever. If for no other reason, than I want my son to have a better idea than I have.

* Suddenly realized I misread this: you said dating, not relationships. Yeah. I wouldn't know what to do on a date anyway. So that probably won't be happening either.

You seem to be simultaneously repelled by men but also desperate for interaction, connection, validation.

I had to really think about this. Am I repelled by men? Am I repelled by people in general? Or is it rather that I'm finally acknowledging red flags in a person's behavior and consciously choosing to not put up with it?

I still give off vibes that attract people who are unhealthy and who make me deeply uncomfortable. I used to second-guess my instincts about those folks - or other times, people would tell me I was overreacting. The end result was, I was sexually assaulted several times. Some experiences were more "minor" than others, but they all left me feeling deeply violated. I was clear, I said no, and they trampled my boundaries anyway. To make sure it never happens again, I need to learn how to trust my instincts about people. I need to hold true to my internal boundaries long before they physically invade my space.

If I can keep healthy boundaries, that's the first step to being able to give off a different vibe, so the unhealthy people will stop approaching me. My safety needs to come first. Maybe after I get the unhealthy people away from me, I can relearn how to invite healthy people into my space. I have a feeling, that will be an even harder lesson - not because I am repelled by good people, but rather because I don't feel good enough for them, and I feel creepy myself for how much I want to be around them. *I don't know what good familyships, friendships, and relationships look like. If I did know before, I've forgotten.*

And you are not missing out on the good guys, it might just be that you are not ready for them yet.

I know. I can honestly say, I've never in my life been told I was ready for the good guys. It's to the point where I don't want to have crushes on people anymore or even think about it. What is honestly the point? More pain? To be told again and again that I'm not ready? It has an effect over time on my thinking.

I want to be good enough for myself, not anyone else. Self-confidence comes from within. But once I find that place where I feel content within myself - why would I invite even the conversation of crushes or dating or relationships back into my life? If the conversations themselves cause this much pain, why would I want to even try for an actual relationship? I want to figure out how to remove this subject entirely from my mind, and to be able to tune it out when others bring it up. If I can't stop the distress from hearing about it, maybe I can learn to better manage my triggers.

There are a few people in my life who have my back.  A couple of them, I didn't really have before this year.  I'm taking time to be in the moment with them, to not worry about messing up, but instead to relearn from being around them what goodness can feel like.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:25 AM, February 27th (Saturday)]

I assume you are still doing IC

Sadly yes. She caused me a lot of pain over the past three years. I'm not allowed to switch therapists. A month ago, I laid down the boundary that we don't talk about my ex or relationships (friendships or otherwise) anymore - I often leave our sessions feeling more hopeless than before when we talk about those subjects, and I know it's not in the "painful growth" kind of way that I've felt with other therapists. So we only talk about work or boundaries or symptoms.

I wound up doing more thinking about this last night. This is why I love the SI community. Y'all give me some great stuff to think on! Thank you in particular to Chili and Karmafan for helping me find ways and directions to grow in.

Something occurred to me. When I'm not dealing with symptoms, I do usually feel "good enough" when I'm by myself. Whether working on some assignment, or being at a worksite, or even just doing normal stuff, I feel OK in my own body and my own mind. I like myself.

It's when I'm around other people that the insecurities start to come to life.

I'm not sure how to address this discrepancy. It could be partially from social anxiety. But all the advice is to be right within yourself before worrying about forming relationships (friendship or romantic) with others, right? What I don't understand is, when is it the right time to reach back out to others? Isn't it the sort of thing you need to practice to get good at, which would mean regularly trying to have social interactions until you can figure out what a healthy social interaction is? But if you're still "broken", then does that mean there isn't a good time to be social, even for practice, until you're not broken anymore?

If you feel fine by yourself, but start struggling when you're around other people, what does that mean?

I'm sorry if my questions aren't making sense. I'm trying to figure out appropriate limits around social interactions (aside from masks, 6 feet apart, and avoiding crowded venues and unnecessary socialization).

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:54 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

I think it would be worth it for you to explore why you feel so insecure around others. Are you comparing yourself to them? I am guilty of that too (I think most everyone is at some point). But for me, I just remind myself that everyone is to busy worrying about what others think of THEM to be busy worrying about me. And then I remind myself that I'm fuckin amazing.

As far as practice goes. It is definitely more complicated with covid, but my advice would be to join some groups related to interests you have. That gives you some points of commonality and ground you feel comfortable standing on to start the inaction from a place of confidence.

I think it would be worth it for you to explore why you feel so insecure around others. Are you comparing yourself to them?

Sometimes, though I've noticed it tends to be in specific situations rather than generally.

More often than not, I get this feeling like I look wrong or talk wrong or my hygiene is off or I give off weird cues, so I have these thoughts racing in my head, feel awkward, and feel like people must not like me. Or like they'll discover what's wrong with me and want to leave. I get tongue-tied and then feel like I'm going to mess everything up. And I worry that I talk too much about myself so I'm trying to get better at just listening to people and saying encouraging things to help them feel heard and supported. I also have too many thoughts, too much I want to say, but don't feel people have the bandwidth to listen to it all.

I just remind myself that everyone is to busy worrying about what others think of THEM to be busy worrying about me. And then I remind myself that I'm fuckin amazing.

I love your energy!!

my advice would be to join some groups related to interests you have.

Thank you, this is a great idea! It gives me a good place to start.

More often than not, I get this feeling like I look wrong or talk wrong or my hygiene is off or I give off weird cues, so I have these thoughts racing in my head, feel awkward, and feel like people must not like me. Or like they'll discover what's wrong with me and want to leave. I get tongue-tied and then feel like I'm going to mess everything up. And I worry that I talk too much about myself so I'm trying to get better at just listening to people and saying encouraging things to help them feel heard and supported. I also have too many thoughts, too much I want to say, but don't feel people have the bandwidth to listen to it all.

Wow that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

I've been there too. It took practice but I always mentally count to 5 and then really ask myself this. If I do "mess up", what's the worst thing that can happen? Especially if I'm around general acquaintances, honestly what is the WORST thing that could happen? I offend someone? Then I can apologize and use it as a growth opportunity. Someone doesn't like me? I already have friends that love me in all my glorious weird awkwardness. If someone thinks I'm screwed up? Well show me one person who isn't. And just maybe me being open about my struggles helps them feel not so alone.

By flipping the script to looking at what I CAN control, it helps calm that anxious feeling. Because whether or not someone likes me or thinks I'm too much or whatever is entirely outside of my control, and honestly if someone DOES like me, then I want them to like ME, not some social persona. And besides, all of my favorite people are total weirdos. 'Normal' people are boring!

A good conversational truck I use too. Always end something you're saying with a question about the other person.