SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

Hope you’re all safe. It’s been more than a year since I left my ex. I’m getting a civil RO on top of the current criminal one so it will help make custody easier to sort, so I can properly get a divorce. Having trouble figuring out how to do that - I’m low income, and I don’t know what resources are around, especially now during Covid. He’s harassed me and keeps blaming me for his abuse.

Covid is lonely. This we know. I wasn’t planning on dating and haven’t done so at all. I had a couple of crushes that had me feeling like I would be up for it (one played and still plays head games, so I’m still getting over my interest in him; the other gently and cleanly rejected me, and fortunately we are still friends). Well, I’m not so interested in dating anymore.

Three guys have hit on me in the past week. One was a total stranger and trying to put his hands on me. The other two were elderly guys I see around the neighborhood - one I even thought was my friend (one of my son’s former preschool teachers - my son and his grandson are only a couple years apart!). The first guy stood over me and tried to crowd my personal space - even more uncomfortable with Covid rates rising! The other one, who I thought was my friend, said “walk in the new year?” and stupid me thought he meant was I going to walk more often in the new year. Instead he was trying to get me to agree to a date I didn’t know I was agreeing to. And that was after I’d told him about the other two guys who made me uncomfortable.

Well, I definitely don’t want to date now. In fact, I’m kind of back to being repulsed by people. At least it will make dealing with the remaining months of the pandemic easier!

Thank you for letting me vent.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:55 PM, December 24th (Thursday)]

((((Silverhopes))))

This year has been hard on all of us, but I understand how particularly difficult it must have been for you, being just a year out....what a time to try and start your healing process

Being repulsed by people is not an uncommon feeling after infidelity, and, again, the angst and suspicion brought upon by COVID couldn’t have helped. You are torn between wanting to get out there, meet new people, feel alive, and the fear of getting rejected, hurt, disappointed. It’s a painful dichotomy, a rollercoaster we have all been on. The good news is, there’s always safe landing at the end.

But I am glad you have waited this long to date, because, I can tell you, OLD is not for the faint hearted. Rejection is the dish of the day and we are not talking about the ‘clean and gentle’ type either. I dived far too quickly and added some serious battle scars to my already battered self. And effectively delayed my recovery by three years at least!

But the sadness will pass SH, and better days are ahead. Your priority now is to take good care of yourself and your son, find the joy in the small things, figure out how to move forward. Divorce can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself, start something new, spread your wings. I know it’s hard to imagine now, but a lot of us, further down the line, have been transformed by it. It will happen for you too.

One step at a time SH. You have got this.

Merry Christmas

[This message edited by Karmafan at 3:22 AM, December 25th (Friday)]

Duplicate

[This message edited by Karmafan at 3:20 AM, December 25th (Friday)]

If a guy keeps trying to put his hands on you, that is assault. Please be safe. Do you carry pepper spray? Do you have hobbies or groups that you are a part of? That might be a good way to keep busy and find friends if not a date. Many of these are now online with Covid, but still faces and things to look forward to.

[This message edited by deena04 at 7:46 AM, December 25th (Friday)]

Thank you Karmafan and Deena,

Good point about jumping in too soon possibly delaying recovery even more. In my case, what I’m recovering from even more than infidelity is about three years of domestic violence. It’s affected me in a lot of ways, especially mentally. I’m still trying to learn how to be normal around people (I’m not around people very often because of Covid).

I can’t figure out the guy who I think plays head games - does he really, or do I just not understand normal human dynamics? I’m trying to remind myself that even if he seems attentive and charming, he’s probably like that with a lot of girls. He also said that he holds part of himself back in relationships before breaking up, because the relationships feel too easy - so if I were to ever get involved with him, even if he were interested, he would probably quickly lose interest and wind up hurting me. I tell myself that when I find myself thinking about him too much. He gave me a cupcake a couple weeks ago. Then ignored me yesterday when I waved hi to him (he was looking right at me when I waved). Then I saw him watching me from across the street a minute later. Mixed signals.

I need to buy pepper spray. Also I’ve decided not to go outside to watch the sunset anymore (the time these guys were bothering me). Makes me sad to miss it, and I really liked my sit spot, but it’s not worth being harassed and retraumatized.

There is an online nature group I am part of. I’ve begun to take on responsibilities in this group, so now I lead online meetups and whatnot (leading one in about an hour, in case there are people who are lonely on Christmas). I’ve made friends - they’re all lovely people. Very few people my age, but that’s OK. Eventually, I’ll have to figure out where to meet people my age.

For anyone else dealing with social anxiety: has anyone ever found online classes for social skills? Ones where you interact with other participants, rather than just watch instructional videos?

* I don’t yet have pepper spray, but I do have a lighter that lights like a small blowtorch. Would never hurt anyone with it, but it could work as a scare tactic. I was carrying it in case my ex harassed me again (he’s incarcerated now). He used a lighter on me a few years ago and used to threaten to put his lit cigarette out in my eye. Brushed my cheek with it once.

Hi silver!!!

Here's what I'm thinking - and you can tell me to take a hike.

First - the being put off by people in general and creeps and all that was a definite phase I went through. Someone would flirt - I'd want to bash his face in. I didn't even want to meet new friends - I wanted a very small and safe world. I don't think I had much faith in humanity in general at that point.

Now - that was with an assclown who was (relatively) easy to get away from with no kids involved. You - dear silver - have been through a goat rope of enormous proportions. There's mental illness, children, your own family's dysfunction, legal issues, fear, abuse, stalking, employment challenges, housing challenges....uh yeah.

So to let a crush who sounds manipulative and strange and kind of just a game-player take up your head space and that sweet spirit of yours. Mixed signals? Sounds like he's just a jerk. I say begone. Maybe observe him from afar for a long period of time and see if he can wear the same costume consistently.

To quote Devotedman: You ran, now stay runned. (from the types of people who can obviously hurt you).

You need people in your life who lift you up. Who you can give to and receive from. Kindness, support, companionship, curiosity, shared moments.

And yep - Covid is just outright lonely. I'm in my own NNB solo and for now I'm just being quiet because really, making new connections is just not really a possibility. But I have plans in my head to find ways to build my own community (that having zero to do with dating).

Your nature group sounds so cool. I know how much that means to you. I keep hearing from people that online support groups are really ramping up these days - in all sorts of arenas. I wonder if one exists for social anxiety or something in the ballpark with a trained moderator? I have lifelong friends from a support group I was in years and years ago - I think that experience led me to a place like SI - there's something really powerful about fellow travelers.

I'm glad to hear from you silver. I worry about when you disappear for long stretches. That maybe you've crawled into your hidey hole and shutting out everything. Or perhaps gotten back together with your STBX.

Can I just say you deserve big kudos for leaving him. That is so strong. And I think every new decision you make that doesn't involve him will enhance your new beginnings that much more. Keep on taking good care of you.

I would love to hear more about the community you're wanting to build, Chili!

I am sorry for being away for so long. Usually it is because I've gone into my hidey hole - you know me well. I'm happy to say I haven't gone back to my ex, and I won't. I'm more terrified of the CPS than I am of him, and if I were to go back, it would put my son at risk for being removed from my care, considering the level of abuse my son might witness in my ex's treatment of me. And CPS *always* blames the protective parent more than the abusive one. Not ever allowing CPS back into my life, and the longer I stay away from him, the more I want better than what my ex was giving me.

I also worry that I complain too much, so sometimes I stay away so I won't complain or wear out my welcome here.

Anyway, I totally agree with what you're saying (and I would never tell you to take a hike - you're my friend!). Someone manipulative, someone who discards relationships when it feels too easy and holds himself back in relationships... that's just walking in asking for more pain. He's all but admitting he loses interest in anyone he dates, so it would be a no-brainer that he would lose interest in me too, and I don't need that kind of pain on my self-esteem right now when it's already pretty low. I like the idea of observing the guy from a distance for a long time and see what costume he wears. I like the idea of people-watching in general now - maybe I'll be able to start to tell what their signs of health and intent are. Though I'm wary to go out anymore at all - I'm so done being harassed by people older than my dad for dates (not to offend anyone who has a partner with an age gap - for me, it's a personal reaction borne of some very unpleasant things that happened in my childhood at the hands of people old enough to know better). Just having a distance from my crush for a while might help me see him more clearly, or else let him go entirely. Either way, I won't be dancing for crumbs.

The yearning is annoying. And painful. Goddamn hopium.

The nature group really is wonderful. I'm glad to be able to help people. Because I'm more in a leadership role, I feel less like I'm able to relax or truly be friends with folks. There's always an underlying sense of professionalism I feel I have to maintain. Definitely the Capricorn in me.

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. You are having normal reactions to jerks and creeps you meet. Nothing more.

It will take a long time to heal from the abusive relationship you were in plus your childhood trauma as well. Please do not discount that and be hard on yourself.

And Mr Cupcake? He’s what’s known as a catch and release (fishing term). You have observed his pattern of behavior and you see his flaws. Time to throw him back into the pool. He’s just not worth your time. Break the pattern you have of thinking he’s worth something. He’s shown you already he’s not.

I dated a lot of “fixer uppers” or “projects” as my child calls them. I finally stopped trying to “help” people as part of a relationship dynamic and started weeding out the needy jerks who couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag.

You need friendships right now. Not romantic relationships. Hang in there. You will heal. You will be in a better place.

Thank you 1stWife,

I have to admit, when I see the term “fixer-upper”, I wanna mentally shake my fist at the trolls in Frozen. Not because I have any problems with Kristoff (I think he’s adorable with a great heart), but because of the way the song feeds into that mentality of taking someone and helping them “fix” themselves, rather than accepting exactly who you see and the agency they have in their own lives. And how we’re taught to be nurturing to the extent that we ignore red flags (or blame ourselves for sensing them) until, if our person is very unhealthy, they drown us with them.

Thank you for validating those feelings I have about the people who are making me uncomfortable. I feel guilty for having those feelings of discomfort. And I’m mad at myself that they got as far as they did in bothering me. I put on my “fuck off” coat as of Wednesday or Thursday - I’m especially mad at that “friend” who tried to trick me into a date. Holding on to that anger. I don’t owe them a damn thing.

Mr Cupcake... I love that nickname!! Weirdly he walked right by my place yesterday. I saw him through the window. I’d never seen him walk by before. Trying to ignore that happened. No contact = no new hurts OR embarrassments.

Just give yourself “a high five” for figuring this stuff out without getting sucked in. That’s a great path to be on.

You are not repeating past mistakes. Wooo hoo!

Woo hoo for not repeating past mistakes!!

I am not in any way shape or form ready to date, like, or really casually socialize with others at this point.

My trust issues are a gorilla on my back. But at least I know this.

It's pretty disheartening, knowing that after all Ive been through I still have a mountain to climb, one agonizing step at a time.

I guess the trick is to learn to enjoy the hike. That way you stop caring about how long it takes.

Sometimes you trip and fall back down a ways. You then get up, dust yourself off, and resume climbing.

I am, slowly, learning how to do this. It's a marathon, not a race.

I wish you well in your own journey.

Silver - I don't know that this is universal but my experience has been that if I mention being approached, asked out or creeped out by Mr. Man A to Mr. Man B - then B asks me or creeps me. So now I won't mention it to another man unless I would welcome their advance (unlikely to happen). I guess it translates in man-speak differently than I expected???

99Problems, you're right, it is disheartening knowing we still have a mountain to climb. What have been things you've enjoyed about the hike so far? I know it doesn't take away from the suckiness of it... Guess I'm just wondering if you have any insights.

I get lonely a lot. But I am happy that I can pretty much go for walks whenever I like, and that I can potentially flirt with any single guys I find cute or interesting (NEVER guys in relationships!). And I never have to worry if someone finds me boring or if they're going to lose interest - I'm the only party I need to keep interested right now!

But I still miss physical touch. A LOT. Thinking a lot of the world feels the same way, no-thanks to the pandemic.

Ratpicker, I hate it when people do that! I think if anything, it could count as a secret test of character that Person B failed - it's a good way to determine who the scuzzballs are. I think a decent person would never make a pass like that in response when you share that someone made you uncomfortable.

The person who I thought was my "friend", I saw today on my way to the store. Put my plan into action - exclaimed in a loud overly-jovial voice that I was following his advice and taking more walks - that I decided not to wait for the new year like he said, but decided to start now. He was caught completely off-guard since, of course, he'd never meant it as advice but rather as a gross attempted pass at me, but he couldn't say anything. His lovely neighbor was standing right there, and if he'd done anything untoward, she might have witnessed my discomfort. So he had no choice but to agree with me and say he was glad I was doing that. I gave him a big cheesy thumbs up, said "Bye!", spun around, and walked away by myself.

Now I plan to avoid him as much as humanly possible. But I feel like I reclaimed a bit of myself with that interaction. I hate the feeling of violation when a person acts in a gross way with me - because it feels like I'm the one in the wrong and like I lost something very precious. I fixed his so-called "win" and feel a bit better, like the world has righted itself.

Perhaps that's too extreme. If it is, that means I really need to look into the trauma I've accumulated. I need to find a good therapist who can listen and really help me heal from it.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:49 PM, December 27th (Sunday)]

LOL well, looks like I won’t have to worry about Mr Cupcake. Pretty sure he’s lost interest in me, whether whatever interest he had in me before was as a friend or as entertainment... When I see him in the neighborhood, I wave or say hi. He ignored me the last few times, even when he came into the coffee shop (I was the only customer there). I was sweeping a bus stop a bit ago, and he walked by. This time he actually waved back. I blame my desire to make sure I’m on good footing with everyone - I asked him how his holidays were. He gave me noticeably shorter, more distant answers than usual before taking off. So I can safely say the shiny has fallen off of me.

Does it hurt to be dismissed like that? Of course. Even knowing he’s not good for me, it still hurts to be cast aside. I liked his warmth and magnetism. But I value consistency, kindness, and a person who cares to listen even more.

My starting goal will be to go as NC as possibly over the next three weeks. Start small. I might be posting on this thread a lot. My new year’s resolution is no more crushes, so if I can evict him from my mind, I can continue pursuing that goal of mine. No more stupid crushes. Maybe when Covid ends I’ll find a fwb - that will help me not have crushes. Physical touch tends to dampen my anxiety, which in turn lessens my yearning for emotional closeness. It’s easier to let go of wanting to be close to someone if I’m enjoying sex. And a consistent fwb will ensure this isn’t messy.

Is this how normal friendships work? You see each other several times a week for months, feel like you’re getting closer to each other... and then one person abruptly loses interest in your friendship like that? He did say he loses interest in his relationships... maybe he doesn’t consider me a friend at all, just a rando. In which case, of course he abruptly lost interest. The fear this feeds in me is, what if it’s like this each time I notice someone? What is wrong with me that I can’t keep a person’s interest?

Aaaand now I’m back to hating humanity because I feel lonely. I hate this rollercoaster.

Hey silver - I know you're feeling lonely right now, but I will say that one of the reasons I've decided to be so quiet in my life right now is that everyone truly is not themselves right now. And everyone is literally self-protecting in one way or another.

The stress and anxiety of ______ (pick your poison) has made everyone twitchy and probably not exactly the best version of who they are.

It's hard to really kick off a solid new beginning when the whole world is in limbo and trying to cope with everyday life.

So this is a long-winded way of saying to not second guess yourself too much or twist yourself into knots over things involving other people right now. Some of my steadiest, strongest, healthiest friends have said and done some things out of character this year.

(I still don't think this guy is adding anything to your life right now.)

Do you still have your kitta?

I completely agree with you, Chili. People aren’t acting like themselves - everyone is suffering and stressed and scared right now. I will go gentler on myself and on everyone else.

I don’t really hate humanity. I think a lot of humanity feels just as lonely as I do.

(I agree that Mr Cupcake exhibits unhealthy enough patterns by his own admission that I probably shouldn’t be trying to chase him. I can be polite when I run into him, but I don’t need to be accepting the hot-cold treatment.)

I still have my kitty cat. I am so lucky - she’s fairly healthy. I’ve been taking as good care of her as I can. She’s so positive and loving - and 18 years old!!

Hello, Silver.

I agree that no one is their best selves right now. I miss just getting out and seeing people, even for a short time.

One thing I’ve read and believe to be true is if you have to question how someone feels about you, then you already know. It’s not worth your time. When have you not made your friends feel cared about or listened to? I dated this guy over the summer who would call and connect and when it was anything other than that? Nope. It took me some time to realize that he just was not really into a relationship, so much as playing the field. The guy I’ve been dating? Clear as heck from the beginning. It felt like he really was interested and like we always say, actions not words. He followed through—drove two hours to meet me. Since it had been 25 years since I had dated, I think I really just needed to feel the difference. You will. And to me, that works for both dating and friendships.

Loneliness is so hard right now. We are so much in need of others. I have to believe we are finally heading toward things getting better. Hugs to you.