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Okay so I am totally new here. I am a WS. Dday was 4 months ago when my husband left me on suspicions of having a PA. The way he left was very extreme and made up many different reasons/excuses for why he left (I.e. he thinks he's gay, he fell out of love with me, he was unhappy, etc). He turned around and told my pastor and other people in my life that he believed I was having an affair. At that point, I admitted that I had an EA. The story behind the EA is before BS and I got together, I had a brief relationship with AP. We worked together. I got together with BS and got pregnant and quit that job. I didn't talk to AP until our child was around 6 weeks old when AP reached out to me. Instead of turning him down, I engaged in conversation with him. We talked a lot about school (we're in the same profession and he's established in the career I'm achieving), our old job, and sometimes it got sexual. We used to talk on the phone until like 3 am and it would just be about nothing at all. We would exchange pictures and stuff. We talked on and off until right before our wedding. We hung out one time when I went to his house just because I wasn't sure if I should get married or not to my husband when I had feelings for AP. We hung out and I left. When I left he texted me "wow I can't believe you didn't even kiss me." That's when I knew I wanted to go forward with the marriage. We stopped talking. He was even at the bar the night before my wedding and I didn't even say hi to him. Fast forward to this summer, my BS and I moved to a new neighborhood and lo and behold, guess who lives there. I didn't know because I hadn't spoke to him in years and he got a new car. I only found out because I had been going for jogs and one day on my job I got a text when I stopped to take a break and it was AP saying "you know you can always stop and say hi when you walk/run by". I was shocked. I didn't even know he was there let alone that he had seen me. I should have told him to fuck off, but I didn't. I didn't go over there that day but one day when I took my son to the playground I saw him on the porch and we walked up and said hi. We started texting and chatting again after that. He would invite me over and I would always decline. It was easy to do that with a kid. A couple times I did go over to hang out but it never escalated physically. He played me music on his guitar because I went inside ONCE. Two other times were outside on his porch with his friends. And once or twice I went and smoked cigarettes with him at 3 am because I couldn't sleep, alone, on his porch. That would be the only time it got physical because he rubbed his hands on the outside of my thighs. After that, we didn't hang out in person until my BS left. When my BS left, it got physical with AP. I admitted to the EA and my BS started seeing someone too (he didn't admit this until later) because he asked for a divorce. Then things ensued and I got a PFA on him. I ended up dropping the PFA because his mother reached out to me and asked if I would consider reconciliation. So I decided that I would and dropped the PFA. Then we started talking. That's when we both admitted our physical hook ups with people. We talked and agreed that we wanted to work things out. Then his partner (I don't wanna call her an AP because it was when we were separated as far as I know he didn't have a relationship with her when we were together) became a problem for us. He had "strong feelings" for her and couldn't stop talking to her. So I threatened to walk away because I wasn't going to sit by while he had a girlfriend and say we're working on our marriage. So that caused a rift for us. He has his own apartment now and the lease is up in November 2021. After he got rid of this girl he said that we need to "only talk about our son" and that we could not "see each other or have sex for a year". So then I just got confused. He was a total dick to me during the months of November and December because he works for Fedex so he was stressed at work. Well he didn't get me a Christmas present but I got him one so he came over for 30 minutes on Christmas to get it. Then he invited me over the following weekend and we had sex and that takes us to where we are now.

I invited him to come spend NYE with me and our son because I was going to be alone. I told him it could be a nice start for us in the realm of reconciliation. He said "ok I'll let you know" with heart emojis and stuff. Then on NYE he tells me he's going to take a nap. Then I periodically hear from him throughout the night but nothing after 8 pm. Then at 3 am he texted me Happy New Year. The next day he picked up our son and he told me he went out drinking and asked me if I had fun. Then three times after that he extended an invitation to me to stay over his place earlier in the day but then later in the day just never brought it up again. The first time was 1. we were fighting so he assumed that I realized we shouldn't be spending time together again. The second time 2. I was "acting like" I didn't want to come over so he just didn't ask me. The third time he said it was because I wasn't feeling well and he thought I was too sick to come over. However, each time he didn't tell me until after it was too late to come over that he "revoked" my invitation. Now it just feels like he's always disappearing and not holding up conversation with me. Last night I had a mental breakdown and he passed me off to my mother and my sister and just stopped replying to me. He ended up texting my sister later and asked her if I was okay but never followed up with me. I have him blocked right now because I am hurt. He didn't even bother to tell me goodnight or anything.

I guess my question is... has anyone gone through this where their BS was causing emotional turmoil for them? Did it stop? Is he trying to teach me a lesson or does he really want to reconcile? He doesn't care that I still live by AP. He doesn't care that I see AP at work occasionally. I asked him if he was doing all this so that he could get me back and that he doesn't really want to reconcile. He says that's not the case and he does want to reconcile. I just am so confused. How long will this go on for? This is affecting my physical health I have had migraines for weeks and right now dealing with nausea so bad I can't eat. I'm not saying I don't deserve any of this, but I just don't know how long this part lasts.

My BH has some big emotional swings as well. We had several conversations that started with BH wanting a divorce but by the end of the conversation he would want to work our marriage.

My BH wishes more than me that I didn't betray him. And that was hard for me to process. I personally have a hard time removing my feelings for BH. He needs me to be his rock during this rollercoaster I put on.

Your mental health and physical health is very important for you, your child and the future of your marriage. Stress can cause havoc on a body. Maybe a few day break might be what you both need. But don't let the distance become permanent. Be strong take care of yourself and remember you are worth taking care of.

Edited to add:

What work have you done to improve yourself? Have you worked on a timeline or your whys? Sneaking off at 3am to see any man is really unacceptable for a married woman. Have you told your BH you did this and that another man touched your leg? You need to tell your BH everything.

Be honest with yourself be honest with your BH. See the pain your BH is in.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 1:02 AM, January 8th (Friday)]

There's no stop sign so I'm going to comment as a BS.

Shesagoodfellow - what are you doing to reassure your spouse that you are worthy of reconciliation? You haven't gone NC with your AP. You still see him at work. You haven't moved out of the neighborhood. You didn't mention that you're in counseling to figure out why you betrayed him. So basically, you're just hoping that you don't hook up with your AP a third time, but you haven't done anything to make sure that's the case.

And once or twice I went and smoked cigarettes with him at 3 am because I couldn't sleep, alone, on his porch. That would be the only time it got physical because he rubbed his hands on the outside of my thighs.

This is not OK behavior for someone in a marriage. Did you tell your husband over breakfast, 'Gee honey, I snuck out last night at 3 am for a smoke with someone I used to have the hots for - and by the way, he rubbed my thighs.' My guess is no.

You're minimizing what happened. You're minimizing the lies and you're minimizing the betrayals. If you want to reconcile, then you have to prove you are worthy of that gift. And that means taking a long, hard look at your behavior and doing the work to make sure your WH can trust you moving forward.

So to answer your question about how long this goes on for. It goes on until you either earn your WH's trust and respect back, or until his heart stops hurting enough that he decides to file for divorce.

What BR said is on point. What efforts have you made? I know you are madhatters but you were the 1st to stray from the marriage what efforts have you made to heal the marriage?

1. I would not be comfortable with how close AP lives near my WW.

2. I would not be comfortable if AP can easily see my WW at work or on her jogs.

Have you checked yourself into therapy?

Have you ordered any books or done research on how to help your spouse heal?

Have you actively looked for a new job?

Have you changed the area you jog in?

Have you given a timeline of your affair?

Have you sent a NC letter to AP?

You are both waiting on each other to see who will make the 1st move. You are in LIMBO at the moment.

SAGF,

What it really comes down to is that it takes two fully committed partners to attempt to reconcile. Neither one of you can do it on your own, and neither one of you can do it without putting in real efforts.

From the little that has been written, I just don't see the the levels of commitment from either of you.

Maybe the two of you should discuss what your idea of reconciliation looks like.

TBH, I don’t see either of you as committed to the other. He has a GF. It wasn’t clear to me from your post if you’re still seeing the AP. You and BH have casually hung out/hooked up. That doesn’t seem like either of you are in a place to really reconcile an exclusive marriage.

I’m not the person to advise any next steps, but at a bare minimum I’d think you both need to stop seeing other people before you can determine what, if anything, is left of you two as a couple.

Your story is somewhat confusing. I do agree that any chance for reconciliation must start with you. But, at this point, your BS must also do some soul searching. What is going on with your BS is hard to access without hearing his side. Going out to smoke with your AP at 3 a.m. needs a little more clarification. Was your BS living with you? Why would you continue contact with the AP? Totally destructive behavior. You must go NC with the AP forever or until your marriage has ended. Finally, I urge you to stop smoking. It is a vile habit that will do irreparable physical harm to you eventually. You owe that to yourself and your child.

BS here

As I read your post I didn’t get the sense that either of you are committed to reconciliation. Do you want to be with your husband? You don’t talk about loving your husband. Do you?

If the answer is yes, you have a lot of work to do and you need to understand why you made these decisions since before your marriage. Infidelity wounds a marriage and it”s love. It certainly kills trust. you need to start talking to him about it.

If the answer is no, you still have a lot of work to do.

Don’t reconcile because people say you should. Ever. Do it for love... and know it may not be returned. It is hard to get past infidelity and live with a person who has hurt you to the core. It is a tough journey for both of you.

Hi SGF,

Whether you reconcile or not, please do the work on yourself. For you and your kids.

Everyone recommends a few basic books. I read "NOT Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" and they were good basics to get you going.

Sounds like you both are a hot mess/ mad hatter (both spouses participated in affairs). For now, it's probably best if you both don't see other people? Going from one unhealthy relationship to another is only going to perpetuate the problem... ask me how I know...

Another good book I've been reading is "Conquering Shame and Codependency." Whether or not you're co-dependent, unhealthy relationships with others start with unhealthy relationships with ourselves.

Finding Freedom Media on Youtube has a whole 9 part series on co-dependency, complex trauma and addictions.

Not saying you're an addict, just that often unhealthy relationships (and the dopamine that comes from it) can also be an addiction.

Wishing you both well.