SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this is purely from a binary Male perspective. I have yet again, yes I know om an idiot, dipped my toe int the cesspool of internet dating. So, I am getting matches and likes. Fine, I'll bite. I send women a smile and comment, almost always a question. They will respond, if the don't ghost, with an answer, so I will respond with yet another fucking question. The respond with an answer, and usually an emoji. So now I am left wondering if the woman on the other end is a fucking moron. Really???? Think of it as a game of catch with one FUCKING ball! Toss it back. It's not like I have a whole thing of balls here. You could feign some level of interest by asking me an actual question!!! You know, I'm an actual human being, with some depth here. Stop being do passive! It's the 21st century. And dont give me crsp about being pursued. This is not how grownups gave conve5sations. Even if you adhere to Victorian standards, they covered this shit in finishing school..

God, that felt good...vent over.

I honestly think it's just people in general. I've had the same issue as a woman too.

Sorry you're not finding anything quality out there. Just keep at it tho!

Don't feel alone. The art of conversation is seriously lacking.

Dude sent me a "hello" msg. I responded back with a question (which I always do to stimulate convo). He gives one word response. I ask another question. He responds with "hello" again. I asked if he seriously couldn't come up with more than repeating "hello." He responded with, "Sorry. I just don't know what to say." I responded with, "How about actually answering my question with more than one word!"

Sheesh. If I gotta work that hard to get a convo going, it's not looking promising.

When a conversation is one-sided, that can predict the future or his/her level of “all about self” that’s going on. The other side of that is maybe it’s a shy woman or a woman that is safety concerned and does not want to give out too much. Then again, I’m sure you’re not asking for her address or keys to her house. I’m sorry it’s not going well.

Are there any other online dating tools, such as online groups of interest or hobby groups that you may stumble upon Ms. Wonderful?

When a conversation is one-sided, that can predict the future or his/her level of “all about self” that’s going on.

Exactly.

I was thinking the same as Ellie. I read an article (can’t recall where) that “some” men feel like they are being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition bcuz of all the questions that women pepper them with. Which speaks directly to my genuine interest but I guess can be off putting?

I found it interesting because I would usually ask questions...and get minimal info back and seemingly ZERO reciprocation to keep the convo going. Other than parroting the question back to me. Ugh.

I stopped. I will now make a comment about their pics, profile, etc. but to a great degree I’ve stopped asking most questions via the app, text, etc.

If you want to get to know me, let’s talk. Otherwise I have no time for you.

Okay. So an update here. I sent a text saying that you could ask me a question, with a wink emoji, just to keep it playfull. What I got back was an incredulous ???. As if I was somehow off base for expecting engagement in the actual conversation. WTAF! Are people that dense? Single 8tvis o guess...

I agree with AnnieOakley. When I was doing OLD, If there was no effort whatsoever from the other side, I gave up instantly. Too much work. Equally, if someone’s opening line was ‘Hi’ or a emoji, that would be a red flag for me too, because it either spelt that I was probably number 25 on their list, or that they genuinely had nothing to say. OLD can be overwhelming: it takes a lot of work to sift out quality from quantity. You will normally know, within the first three or four messages, if something is worth pursuing.

Hi JustSomeGuy. I’ve been on OLD for awhile and always include a question or two in my initial message, but still get the no-question-response that you’re describing. I try once more, and if I get the same response, I move on. I was texting with one woman who was just re-joining the dating world and was very nervous about engaging with men online, clearly she wasn’t ready. Maybe that’s what you’re dealing with. Also, what are you screening for? At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m fairly intelligent and will only message with women who have a 4-year undergrad degree or higher. While the women with “high school” on their profile may be more attractive, I find that I can’t carry on a conversation with them, and they probably think I’m boring as all hell. For me, I find that the conversation flows better with women who have a graduate degree or higher.

Uggh, I thought it was only the men that sucked at conversation. (just kidding!) I can't tell you how many dates I went on where they go on and on trying to impress but never participate in back and forth 'follow-up' conversation.

Thoughts on initial messaging OLD contact from me as an 'old school' woman who doesn't ask men out :-)

#1 After the likes. Their question or comment has nothing to do with my bio. "Hello" "Happy Sunday" "nice photo" "I read your profile, we have a lot in common", or "How was your weekend?" If there is nothing specific to what I wrote, It appears to be just fishing and makes me fall asleep :-)

#2 If I respond and follow up in some way to either their profile or first question, if the response is something new out of the blue, instead of a back and forth 'conversation', I move on. This is a person who isn't on my page.

#3 They need to ask to meet up relatively quickly because I hate messaging. That's just my preference. Some people like to message longer or talk on the phone. I like a guy who asks what I prefer and then respects that.

I hear the anger in your tone so far. There is a certain 'frustrated with women' type I have run across as well. I figure they were hurt or confused but instead of giving the benefit of the doubt, they have a very short fuse with all women. It radiates from them without a word being said. Don't let these women make you one of those! I assure you it goes both ways. A good woman will appreciate you and will be interested in you, as long as you are truly interested in her, not just a relationship.

Good luck and don't give up. We need good guys in the OLD world!

[This message edited by Anna123 at 7:56 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

Online dating is hard. It's really a numbers game.

Just keep in mind that YOU are a good catch and YOU are on OLD so law of averages dictates that there are other good catches out there. You just need to wade through the weeds to find the jewels :)

Last summer I decided to treat online dating like I was looking for a job - listen to my gut, put myself out there, comfortable with myself to know what I have to offer and know that I will be OK if I stay single. Ultimately I ended up finding an amazing gentleman who was ALSO tired of OLD. We have both been single for most of the past 7yrs and were finally at the point where we felt that being single was good for us. Then boom we found each other.

You also can't take this stuff personally, because none of them know you well enough to make any sort of judgement. Don't put more effort into a conversation that isn't going well.

Good luck!

I really hate conversations on OLD apps. I am an interesting human with curiosity about new friends and lots to share, but I just can't do it on an OLD app. I can only volley back and forth with a perfect stranger for so long - and that's not very long. I'm not good at being witty or engaging or cute online. After a few messages, a phone call or date is the next step. I personally have dropped off if the guy wants to message endlessly - Ask me out already!!

No matter how good your flow or banter is over a messaging app, the true test of attraction and compatibility is meeting irl.

The other thing to remember is that a lot of folks are on OLD because they're testing out the idea of dating - I think many aren't even single.

One thing to consider might be the time of day. I had a man on OLD tell me that I was racist for not responding to him . . . after 17 minutes . . . in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. Not in every case certainly, but maybe some of the women are just busy at work or with kids but still interested?

There's a lot of flakes and fakes but I wouldn't give up super quickly - it may just take time to connect. Good luck!

OkCupid was the site I used after my divorce and they run a blog site which often crunched the numbers on such topics as to effectiveness of first messages. That appealed to the nerd in me.

Woman tend to get inundated with messages. Not all pleasant. Guys messaging first had 20% response rate. Women who did so 40%. The guys had to put a little more effort into it, 200 chars vs 50 chars, for most efficient. BasicallY Hello worked on the women side AnnieOakley....

There's a lot of people just playing to the numbers game and sending generic messages and responses to everyone. You did good with the question. Best response rate was to questions about something in their profile. Commenting on physical appearances wasn't that great.

The only other thing I remember is to push to meet early. Coffee in a very public place works. That'll weed out some of those just there to for the affirmations or those playing with 20 people at once.

FWIW, I believe my wife messaged me first. I still had a month to go in my self imposed time out but she was my short list of potentials. That was back in 2010.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:32 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

My snarky response is that you should start viewing this as a "feature" of online dating rather than a "bug."

Meaning, when this happens... it is just time to move along. This is not the droid that you're looking for.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 11:50 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

You're right about the art of the conversation. Maybe it's dead...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 6:15 PM, February 1st (Monday)]

If they are boring why waste your time? There is nothing worse than needing to carry an entire conversation.

Just move on, let them chase you.

I don't know - I'm sure I'm dead boring when I'm messaging a strange guy on a dating site, but I can assure you I'm quite interesting and fun in real life. Some of us are a bit reserved online. I think the trick is, barring any red flags, meet for coffee to get a more accurate picture.

I agree with skeeter. Try to meet up sooner rather than later if possible. I had first dates with guys I really thought I'd connect with based on online banter and felt nothing. And I didn't think I'd really vibe with my boyfriend when I agreed to meet him, just based on our online convo, but here we are 2.5 years later.

Nothing soured me on the dating market more than the apps. The culture of narcissism is on full display there. I've had the same experience with countless women of different types. Substanceless responses punctuated by emojis (from GROWN women).Awful turnaround time like I'm a meal they're trying to keep warm under hot lamps while they balance all the men in their inbox to dwindle it down to just the right suitor. Some of these people have no regard for the human beings on the other end of the chat log.

There's no shortage of terrible dating partners on those things and I wouldn't recommend playing these dumb games to anyone. The whole thing is a grind, and meeting another person shouldn't feel like a grind nor something you have to "schedule time for". It's a soulless meat market that benefits certain people in a tiny group (namely, very attractive people and others who need constant attention to feel good about themselves). Unplug and enter the real world to get better results. The pandemic doesn't make things easier, but it's still a lot better out here than in there.