SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are you asking open ended questions? Or close ended questions?

Close ended questions have a definitive answer that doesn’t necessarily lead to more conversation. Like asking a teenager “how was school?” being met with the answer “fine”. Open ended question would be “tell me the best part of your day and the worst part”. It requires more engagement.

I got blocked. Thank God. I pieced together enough info to creep her FB and what is public is very telling for me. No disrespect to anyone, but these are my dealbreakers. She had pictures of small dogs dressed on clothing and I stopped counting selfies when I hit 25. The comments were all about how pretty she was and the standard go-girl stuff. After I threw up in my mouth, I said a quick thank you prayer.

The questions were so open ended they were damn near Socratic. I think she just got pissed that I called her on her egocentrism. Oh well, live and learn.

Oh, and if dressing your chihuahua is your thing, rock on. Just not my thing...ever

..in any way, shape or form. Not judging though.

I'm starting to think that OLD is a cesspool of desperation and unrealistic expectations. Had another exchange in which we were conversing, or rather I was interviewing her. So after three separate questions from me and none from her, I with only a statement. Aaaaaannnnnnd, I got blocked.

I saw a video o from a comedy website playing with the idea of real life conversations being like OLD. laughed my ass off.

I'm starting to think that OLD is a cesspool of desperation and unrealistic expectations.

I haven't been on any OLD sites in 6 years now, but this was definitely my experience. I went on over 60 first dates and maybe 2 second dates. I shared funny stories here and with RL friends.

There was also so much desperation. Guys begging me to go on a second date because they didn't have friends. Guys saying how much they'd like to move in with me. So many people still hung up on past relationships.

After the guy who spoke with a fake British accent who told me he was from Narnia (yet presented entirely normal on match) I gave up dating, resolved to be single, and had one of the best summers of my life. And then of course when neither one of us were looking for it, met my SO.

Hang in there. Try not to take it personally. But if I do find myself single again, OLD is likely not a road I will attempt to take again! Good luck!

I haven’t done OLD but I was just talking to a friend about how if I ever do my profile is going to be highly selective. I know they encourage people to cast wide nets and all that but I have zero patience to spend time on people I don’t like or it wouldn’t work out so why not put all of my dealbreakers up front. And also if someone doesn’t like that I am clear about what I want then also they aren’t for me.

I would paint a picture in your profile of who you are looking for “the kind of woman I want to date is one that will engage in deep conversations and can hold their own weight when discussing such and such topics. I want someone who is focused on spending their time learning and wants someone to grow along with them so if your camera roll is full of selfies or you haven’t read a book in the last year I don’t think we would be a good fit.”

I mean I have a handful of things I know I wouldn’t be into. My ex refused to watch non sci-fi or action movies and when we would be in the car we had to listen to classic rock. None of that stuff is my favorite. I imagine I would include something about being willing to listen to the type of music I like and would give real housewives a try. If someone was like yeah I don’t want to watch that show and her profile is stupid - we probably aren’t a good match. Not because real housewives

Is a requirement but because I want someone who is willing to try stuff that I like, and that is a requirement.

why not put all of my dealbreakers up front

One reason is that you are giving sociopaths/scammers/other undesirable partners a roadmap for what to pretend to be to get you hooked.

I honestly am not willing to message very long and while I don’t have it in my profile stating such, I see it often. 2-4 over a few days+ and I would expect to be asked to exchange numbers or video chat.

Last fall in the middle of the fires and CV19 in CA I realized a month had passed of messaging w a guy and he had only parroted questions back to me. I stopped. It took him 8 days before he unmatched me. Lazy.

I suggest getting to a call sooner. I’ve had calls that he said would love to talk again, I said the same and never heard another word. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’ve had men say hope that we can meet soon and I respond I agree! Crickets.

Confirmed time for a call at XYZ time/day and not answer my call. Next. Or text me an hr later, that now they are available. No thank you, wish you the best.

I’m not ready to give up. I think CV19 has taken a toll on many of us but that is no excuse for not being a good person. I take the process seriously...but not personally!!

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:22 AM, February 7th (Sunday)]

I find it to be cheap entertainment at times. Kind of a mystery "Who Done It" kind of game in that I look for inconsistencies between what they say and their profile, or their flat out bullshit, and calmy call them out. I get blocked quickly and it makes me laugh. Something to do during the pandemic. 🤷‍♀️

Had one guy that had a particular occupation listed. I asked him about how that works in my state given we have no industry for that particular occupation. I'm nice about it. Legit question. After telling me what the occupation does (which I already know), I asked again about it given our state.

He proceeded to change his occupation to something entirely different. Uh huh. Gotcha!

Had another guy basically say I don't have enough pics. Told him that's all I got and don't do the selfie thing. He didn't like that response and said he was out. Told him that was cool as I am sure there were many Selfie Queens out there that would enjoy his attention. Got blocked.

You definitely have to have a thick skin doing the OLD thing. I've given up on actually meeting someone this way (which is fine, I enjoy my own company), but as I said, it is cheap entertainment.

And I do have my dealbreakers in my profile. Why waste time with someone that will go no where? I'm not gonna change my mind.

I think OLD is another forum for listening to your gut! I’ve been chatting with a lady for the past month and had this underlying feeling that’s she’s angry with the cards she’s been dealt. Some of that anger seemed directed at men in general. I called her on it this afternoon. Admittedly, I could have done a much better job of how I voiced my concern but after 4 weeks of fairly frequent contact and some long conversations she was now annoyed at me, and poof! gone.

Much in life these days has become disposable, and that mindset seems very prevalent on-line.

One reason is that you are giving sociopaths/scammers/other undesirable partners a roadmap for what to pretend to be to get you hooked.

100000%

That kind of info in untrustworthy hands is pure ammunition.

I don’t necessarily agree. I think putting your deal breakers up front, as long as it’s done with tact and not in a stand-offish way, is a good way to filter out a lot of time wasters. Many will give up at the first hurdle, and then you would have saved yourself precious minutes of excruciating conversation with unlike minded individuals. Granted, there will be people who will try and use them to their advantage and try and paint an appealing picture, but honestly, how long will it take you to unmask them? And besides, having a strong profile allows you to quickly and painlessly ‘next’ those who clearly haven’t read it

I think you need to treat OLD as a game, and if it turns out to be a game changer, all the better. Don’t take rejection personally because, at the end of the day, these people don’t know you at all - they are just lured away by shinier veneers that more often than not do not amount to anything. Such is the nature of the beast

But equally, you shouldn’t be too cynical in your approach. Cautious yes, but not cynical. Although it can be quite entertaining to call them out on their BS, you also need to give people the benefit of the doubt. There are real gems to be found, it just takes an awful lot of sifting through to find them!

[This message edited by Karmafan at 10:15 AM, February 7th (Sunday)]

I met a couple of really nice ladies via OLD, but the connections just weren't there. I stopped talking to several for just the same reasons you articulate. I don't want to work that hard to try and get a conversation going.

I used to tell my WW how lucky I felt that we were together because dating in this age especially on the internet would really suck.

Yep here I am 2021 and have been through the internet dating and OMG was not fun.

And because of the pandemic, we cant go out to really meet people.

I feel your pain

I would figure most folks on OLD probably suck at conversation (myself included), simply because it’s nerve-wracking. What do we say? I’ll put in effort to say something kind or interesting, and no matter what the conversation always seems stilted or awkward. I figure it doesn’t continue because we both get too nervous. Plus there’s the dance of, “Do I come on too eager?” and does that translate to making the other person feel pressured instead of this being fun...?

Now, having said that, there are some people who are just lazy af or standoffish af or aggressive (in a scary way). Sadly that makes the whole OLD experience even more nerve-wracking: you never quite know who you’re going to get.

Where do people go to meet each other in real life again?

Well, I have a date on Saturday. Super nervous. I still have to locate a venue where we can socially distance and have a drink. She seems really nice, but might be a little on the conservative side for me. Open mind though...

Think of it as a game of catch with one FUCKING ball!

I get this and it's frustrating.

Don't plant flowers in someone else's yard if they aren't going to water them.

Until you meet, you really don't know a lot about nuances and the rest so lower your expectations of love at first meeting. Less pressure to make things work. It's hard because there is a loneliness.

Good luck on your date!! Let us know how it goes.

Good luck! I hope the conversation flows and you have a great connection!

..you said,..'the art of conversation. Maybe it's dead."

Well, thank that little computer in your pocket!

People don't talk anymore... they type their words.. no sound, no voice, no inflection..and it's full of spelling and grammar mistakes!!

AND... now we order everything on-line, so the chances to talk to the people who used to serve us in the stores is gone.

..add to that, I hear people now have sex 'on-line'... I can't imagine anything more cold, detached, absent from any true feelings, let alone any meaningful conversation.

This is supposed to be progress???

I feel sorry for the younger generation.

Those in mine,(I'm nearly 74).. man, we knew how to talk on the phone! We could talk for hours. Our parents would yell at us.." Get off that damned phone, you've been on it for an hour!!

What ever happened to meeting a nice girl in the Drug Store.. in front of the condoms shelf?

You might find out if you use the same brand of toothpaste? who knows where the conversation might lead?

It sure as hell would beat typing it all out on your tablet..

OK my rant is over..

smy

Well, my very first OLD date happened. We had chatted quite a bit and were hitting it off, so I suggested we finally meet. She agreed and we found a venue that allowed us to socially distance while still being able to talk. At first, I anticipated an hour would be good, not too long so less risk of any crickets. Well

2.5 hours later, we said goodnight. I asked her if I could walk her to her car just to make sure she was safe and then suggested we do this again, if she was into it. And she was.

She is a very nice woman. 6 years younger, so still in my range as I am looking for someone in my age bracket. She is kind, compassionate, intelligent, and so very, very easy on the eyes.

So all went well for my first foray. I suggested something interactive for next time. I'm thinking and throwing or archery and then a pub. Any suggestions?

One last note. The ladies at work have been helping me out with advice on what to wear, while simultaneously terrifying me with their own first date horror stories. Yup.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:37 PM, February 21st (Sunday)]