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[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 9:24 AM, February 12th (Friday)]

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 3:24 PM, Friday, February 12th]

I can never tell from these types of posts wtf is the point. What is your point?

You seem to know what/when/where you’re screwing up after the fact, yet you don’t seem to have the mental capacity to recognize the screw up in real time. Why do you think you behave this way?

Well, it was 3am. I'm not sure you falling asleep is as significant as your reaction in the morning.

Talking AT him is a defensive maneuver. Can you find your way to drop your defenses?

You may need to do more LISTENING than acting. You froze up during that scene, perhaps because you thought you were expected to DO something. Maybe all that was needed was to pause the film and listen.

You aren't the only one who has trouble listening with empathy. It's a skill. There are lots of resources for it. :)

I wish you luck. Don't beat yourself up. That won't help. Open yourself up instead.

I would recommend that you go back and read your previous thread. Even though you removed your own comments, the advice given to you there still stands. Your spouse is clearly abusive and you need to get some IRL help for dealing with that.

SelfishCheater,

You said "I have come to realize (thanks to him pointing it out) that i have never asked him a single question about his feeling in regards to the affair."

How is this even possible ?

Are you in IC?

I bought the book on how to help your spouse heal from your affair but i did not complete it.

In 10 years you could not bother to read a 98-page book?

I have come to realize (thanks to him pointing it out) that I have never asked him a single question about his feeling in regards to the affair.

Are you SERIOUS??? Not even ONCE???

People often criticize me for always recommending divorce to a BS, but the ones like you are the most compelling argument that I'm right. You've wasted a full decade of this man's life already. Please stop torturing him and let him go.

I would recommend that you go back and read your previous thread. Even though you removed your own comments, the advice given to you there still stands. Your spouse is clearly abusive and you need to get some IRL help for dealing with that.

I wholeheartedly agree with CT on this one. I remember your story vividly, and it seems what you define as talking "at" him is a desperate attempt to stave off further emotional abuse by disparaging yourself as much as possible before he gets to start. He now recognizes this, and uses it to his advantage as he watches you beat yourself down as much as possible before he starts in. The emotional abuse version of kicking someone while they're down.

Please practice self care, and find an IC who can help you find your worth.

[This message edited by Lostgirl410 at 4:17 PM, February 11th (Thursday)]

I betrayed my partner over 10 years ago and since then displayed all the worst WW acts there are. I TT, minimized, rugswept and continued to put my needs before his in all matters pertaining to the past.

Reread your thread "20 years since DD...". All that advice still stands. Even though its been 10 years (+/- 10 or 9 years since you've also stated after that it has been 19 years, I'm sure those were just a simple miscalculations since DDs are so easily forgettable ), it's up to you to end this cycle of abuse. That is all.

I went back and read the post from 2019 where the OP deleted all of her posts but from what others commented...

You were 14 and he was 19/20. This was an online relationship only. You lied to him about your real age. At some point he broke up with you. You both dated others.

Eventually you resumed your relationship and got married. He knew you were not a virgin when you married.

Yet for 20 years he has held himself as a BS and you as a WW at what happened when you were a teenager, not married and not even in a relationship.

I simply say all of the above to defer to everyone else that has given heartfelt advice to you. You are not a WW. You deserve better.

☮️

BloodyEddie,

It's not your place to throw 2x4s in this forum. Continue to do so and you'll be removed.

From what AnnieOakley posted, I remember your story.

IMO, you’re not a WS.

I wish you luck in dealing with your relationship, whether you stay or go.

SC, I too do not believe that you are a WS. In fact, I think that you're a victim of your husband. A 19-year-old dating a 14-year-old is wrong to begin with. This relationship has started off being unhealthy and has never gotten better. Please get IC for yourself. Get it even if you disagree with us and think that there is nothing wrong with what your husband did/is doing because it's the best way for a WS to heal.

I agree with the other posters. I remember your other posts and felt the same at the time I read them. Sorry, this man is abusive and you are turning yourself inside out to make amends for an imaginary crime. Your writing tone makes me so so sad and I wish you had a support network to whisk you away from this situation.

***edit:

Based on what appears (from the words of others posting here) to be my misunderstanding your situation, I'd like to freely admit my comment below is likely non-applicable for your situation. I will leave it up for posterity's sake. ***

Do you act/change primarily only when it is convenient for you? Do you have a track record of putting his needs before your own when it doesn't fit into your realm of comfort?

Let me tell you that if you are only responding to him when it's convenient for you, he knows it.

Going to sleep while, by your own admission, you know he is hurting is putting yourself first. There are also heavier impications with that such as being able to sleep while you know your spouse is in pain from something you've wrongly done. If it's been 10 years, he likely keeps hoping you'll one day put his needs before yours but deep down, it may anger him that he remains knowing you don't and will likely never reciprocate his efforts to put you first.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 11:07 AM, February 12th (Friday)]

You were not, are not a WW.

It was right for you to break up with him 14 yo dating a 20 yo

that is crazy.

Him expecting you to be a virgin many years later reinforces

that your husband is crazy.

You did not have an affair, you were in your rights to have sex

in other relationships before you reconnected years later

with him.

When a BS triggers it is the WS place to help the BS get

through it. However when the WS triggers it is not their job

to tell their BS if they decide to handle the problem on their

own.

You confuse what a trigger is. You did not cheat. All that

movie did was to remind you of some fun that you had in

your past. Fun to not be ashamed of.

The problem lay's in your husbands head. His is abusive and

needs IC.

What is the point of starting threads if you’re just going to end up deleting everything you post? People are taking the time trying to help you.