SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi guys! It's been quite a while since I have been here while in the depths of Dday/divorce. ExH had an 18 month affair, and I kicked him out shortly after Dday. Our divorce was final in Oct 2019.

I have come a LONG way emotionally in that time. I am getting to "meh" but have not attained it yet.

Ex has brought a small parade of women into our kid's lives. He got serious (too quickly IMO) with the last one, had her practically living there, and placing her in a stepmom role. She was very pushy and even texted me how her and I needed to be a parenting unit after 6 months into their relationship. My kids loved her. Then they broke up. My 9yo told me because the gf "had other boyfriends." My kid also told me a whole bunch of other inappropriate things that a 9yo should bot be privy to.

Anyway, I wasn't the most gracious in handling that relationship. The girl is nice enough, and I believe treats my kids well and loves them.

My kid tells me the other day that daddy is dating gf again 3 months after their break up. I really just need advice to tamp down all my ucky feelings about this. I dont want to feel jealous (of her in a "mom" role), I dont want thoughts of how she is a decade younger or prettier to cross my mind, I dont want to think about my ex with her. I just dont want to feel anything about it. I would like to be able to be polite and just totally neutral. My kids tell me a lot about their time with their dad when they come back to my house. I dont want to invalidate their feelings or ask them to stop talking about the gf.

Please tell me how to just stop caring about any of this? If she treats my kids well, that should be my only concern!

My STBXWW has moved on pretty quickly with a guy that I can only describe as a beta orbiter. She refuses to call him her BF on the rare occasions that we talk, only saying that its complicated and he won't be around much longer. Haha I wonder if he knows that she is only keeping him around because she needs help. He is her KISA and I feel badly for the guy. He is nice enough, but she sees nice as a contemptuous character fault, even though she relies on it to survive.

That being said, he gets on with my kids okay and treats them well, even going so far as to hire them in his business occasionally. This has really helped them financially. We dont speak I'll of each other as he is just a decent guy. I just feel bad for him being around my STBXWW. Poor SOB :(.

The funny thing is that my kids see how he is being taken adv rage of and have commented. I just say something neutral and move on. I just hope that this is not damaging their view of men in future relationships.

She was very pushy and even texted me how her and I needed to be a parenting unit after 6 months into their relationship.

As a step parent myself, you co-parent with your ex, not his latest GF. I'd push back against any further attempts from her.

[This message edited by grubs at 12:43 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

I would agree with Grub, you and the exH are the parents. You two get to make decisions about the kids, and are the only legal parents and guardians.

With that said, if the new GF is nice and treats your kids well, I think that is all you can really hope for. Better that, than an abusive vindictive step mother from Cinderella. You probably don't have to deal with her a bunch, but if you know that she is taking good care of the kids, that should really count for something. Be glad that its not the other way.

Additionally, keep on working on you. I'm not completely at Meh either, but getting closer each day. My exWW sent me the APs number and told me that I can feel free to reach him at any time to talk about my kids, who he now lives with half the time. I didn't respond, but kept his number. Talk about a big Fuck you to me, when my dumb c*** of an ex thought that was a good idea. I just kept my mouth shut and am keeping it on file. I know this much, my kids don't like the AP. They live together now, and he is always out and about, and when he does spend time with my kids, his squad of kids are also there, and he doesn't do much. But the only think I care about is that my kids are happy and safe. That's it. When they are with me, I do my best to take care and teach them, and to remind them that if anything is off at the other house, speak up and tell their Mom and me.

She was very pushy and even texted me how her and I needed to be a parenting unit after 6 months into their relationship.

This would not fly at all with me.

My XWW, as fully expected, found another guy before the ink was dry on the divorce settlement and eventually married.

I had a talk with my sons and made sure they fully understood that they have ONE father and ONE father only - me.

The guy their mother married is her husband but that has NOTHING to do with being a father.

My XWW actually tried to get my sons to call her husbands parents “grandma” and “grandpa”.

I shut that shit down quickly.

I explained that they have two grandparents only - my parents and their mother’s parents and that they address their mother’s new husband’s parents by their first names or Mr and Mrs.

It’s important to me that the parental role and responsibility not become diluted by a fucked up, selfish Ex parading new people in and out of kids’ lives and giving them some temporary step-parental status.

I explained that if/when their mother and her new husband divorce, then he simply becomes some guy that their mother was married to.

I, no matter what, will ALWAYS be their ONE and only father.

I think your best response would be “Their father and I will discuss how he and I will be parenting our children, thank you for your concern” and grin as you hit send. OK, maybe that’s passive aggressive Deena, but oh well.

It's really hard to stop caring about this kind of thing. I've been through it a few times. What worked best for me was ignoring the new gf's attempts to "co-parent" with me. We didn't need to be on the same page. Kids are perfectly capable of understanding each household has its own set of rules.

As far as the kids wanting to talk about her a lot - I just did the old "grin and bear it" routine, changed the subject when I could, etc. If you think they are bringing it up excessively, it may be because there's something they aren't comfortable with - could be that they are privy to too much adult info about the relationship or could be the on and off again pattern or something else. If you can sort out what it is, you can address it directly and that may help the kids stop talking about it so much.

You're lucky in that she seems nice and decent to your kids - that's a lot.

I dont want thoughts of how she is a decade younger or prettier to cross my mind

If it does cross your mind, follow that thought up with "and she's wasting her youth and beauty on this unstable cheater". Hopefully you'll get to a point where you just pity the next woman.