SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve never done anything like this, forums and what not but I’m desperate to just maybe talk to someone that’s gone through what I have. Yesterday I confessed and told my fiancé that i cheated 4 years ago. I know I’m shitty and i should’ve never and that one mistake haunted me forever. I knew eventually it would come out because it was eating me up in the worst ways, i held on for as long as i did because i didn’t want to break his heart and knew he’d want nothing to do with me. To make things even more complicated we were already breaking up prior to my confession but him apologizing about the man he couldn’t be for me and his tears is what broke me because i haven’t been perfect to him. And just as i suspected he wants me out of our home (it’s under his name) and wants nothing to do with me. He’s giving me a month to go. I don’t blame him but i truly truly truly am sorry. I truly wish i never made that choice in the first place. I’m broken and i can’t believe i hurt the person I’ve loved the most

Anavee, you may want to repost this in the Wayward forum. You’ll get advice more specific to your situation there.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. As someone who finally told the truth years later, I understand the fear of coming clean. I also understand that if he saw this as a deal breaker now, it was going to be far worse if the truth came out years into your marriage.

The small silver lining of the pain you're in is that you've discovered these red flags in your own behavior and can address them before you start another relationship. My recommendation is that you get some therapy to learn more about yourself, why you decided to cheat, and why you decided to lie. If it was an ONS, you might have learned your lesson about cheating and never stray again. Four years of deception, however, and only coming clean when the stakes were lowered by a breakup, is another matter. The ability to do that is more ingrained than a stupid mistake. It's going to burn you wherever you go in life if you don't figure out how to become less avoidant and more authentic.

I suppose if you cheated on him most likely you didn't love him .... you have to let him go on.

I don’t think a marriage can be whole if one partner is carrying such a big secret. I think it will gnaw away at the ability to totally commit. I also think a relationship can survive infidelity if its dealt with completely and properly, but it can be a daunting task, and there is no rule or anything given that a relationship SHOULD survive infidelity. But it is my personal opinion that a marriage can never be whole if one partner is carrying this secret. In that sense it’s a good thing you came clean.

I want to ask about some practical matters: You cheated 4 years ago… how long have you two been together? The house is in his name but when did he purchase it? Any of your money in the house?

If you have a month and if you want this relationship then I would suggest you two try to be amicable and try to get some calm into your lives. After a week there might be some light ahead – be it together or going your separate ways.

Remember: Your actions can define you, but to me it’s how one reacts to wrong decisions that really define people.

Another good thing to keep in mind is to take good note of everything BraveSirRobin says and suggests!

Anavee

I wish I can go back and change my actions

I know many people, including myself, who had wished this very same thing. Maybe not for the same reason but definitely the same wish.

Wishing for the impossible will not change a person's past actions. Nothing will.

The best thing that can come from our past actions that we wish we could change is to learn from them, become a better person, and try to avoid taking the same actions in the future.

To make things even more complicated we were already breaking up prior to my confession

Was this an amicable ending of your relationship? If your relationship was coming to an end are you sure this confession was not simply to hurt him?

but him apologizing about the man he couldn’t be for me

This is what some men do in certain circumstances. If they blame themselves they are sure there is something within themselves that needs to be fixed. If there is something that needs to be fixed they have some type of control over future circumstances.

If your cheating had nothing to do with anything he did/didn't do, said/didn't say, and it never is, let him know he was not the cause of what you did. Give him some peace as he goes on with his life.

And just as i suspected he wants me out of our home (it’s under his name) and wants nothing to do with me

This has broken his heart. Respect his request, move out and cut all contact with him.

It would appear as though you may need to fix whatever it was that allowed you to cheat on him.

Find an individual counselor that has experience in helping people in this situation and work on changing to avoid taking the same action in future relationships.

I wish you both the best as you move on with your lives.