SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you survive this?

And no comments about not cheating to begin with. That’s a given and not helpful advice.

Iamtrash, You will survive by first believing that you are not trash. I don’t know how you perceive yourself but, if you believe, at some level, at any level, even subconsciously, that you are trash, that you’re inadequate, then you will have difficulty being genuinely, holistically happy. If you have not held yourself to a healthy esteem, either before or after the affair, there will be, or has been, an undertone of depression, chronic, insidious and barely perceptible because you have grown used to the feeling, adapted to it, over many years, as it has become your baseline. This sets you up for seeking out quick fixes or stimulus or escape that distracts you from your chronic underlying depression. Many of these quick fixes can be benign if not abused and some are just simply unhealthy but, they all have one thing in common, they distract and provide stimulation. I’m talking everything from binge watching Netflix, compulsive shopping, eating, drinking, gambling, drugs, sex, or the thrill of male attention, or the thrill of a new relationship, an elicit relationship. They’re all drugs that can be abused. We all self soothe to relieve boredom and add joy to our lives but, some of us need more. We need more because our baseline, our threshold to achieve happiness is more difficult to achieve for whatever reason(s). Those underlying reasons need to be fleshed out in IC and resolved.

I believe the underpinnings of finding genuine happiness and truly surviving this is, to reconcile with yourself. Love yourself, respect yourself and happiness then can be found once again in The Simple Things life offers in abundance.

Beware of toxic guilt compounding or exacerbating a pre-existing state of self loathing, or a state of insecurity, or feelings of inadequacy, or a state of chronic underlying pain or depression that may have lead to your infidelity. A vicious cycle.

Break free from this, resolve issues and define and actualize a new you.

What do you mean exactly ?

Do you mean how does a wayward survive their own infidelity and the pain it causes their BS or do you mean your AP sending videos to your BS ?

One day at a time.

Forgiveness. Acceptance. Letting go of the marriage. Learning to understand that no single point has to define what we want to become.

And lots and lots of work towards becoming the best version of ourselves - for us first.

On a more practical note; I remind myself to breathe. First thing I do every morning after waking up is counting up the things I have to be thankful for in my life and take the time to feel genuinely grateful for them. I keep a written journal of all the small changes through the day - keeping tabs on my "wins" and "losses" as I work towards being a better me. Little things like that.

It's hard. It's painful. And it takes a shitspitting long time. But (to paraphrase a little bit from a person I really like listening to), it's a desert that has to be crossed and it has to be crossed on foot.

I wish I had something to contribute beyond empathy, but I imagine that hearing answers from a WW in R is of limited value right now. Have you thought about posting in the "Former Waywards Not in Reconciliation" thread in I Can Relate?

I have read some of your posts and a few of your BS's entries. This is the first thread where you haven't posted a stop sign and I wanted to throw in my two cents. I don't know your affair story other than you had one. In your latest entry, you describe your BS as similar to the AP in regards to their abusive verbal behavior toward you. Clearly, you might want to remember that point when you start dating again one day. I would suggest that you look for someone quite different than either of these two men. Your marriage is a mess, feelings are beyond raw and it is hard to imagine how the two of you could ever reconcile. You should not live together anymore. Your children should not be with their father for now. He sounds like he is ready to do something terrible. I don't know if this is out of character, but you must protect your children at this point. He needs therapy big time for a host of issues. He needs someone to help him move on. If there are close friends or family that can intercede they would have the best chance at getting him help. His resentment and anger toward you are off the charts right now and I would doubt that he would pay attention to anything you say. I would just tell him that you take full responsibility for destroying the marriage and if you could turn back time, you would never have committed adultery. But the reality is that you can't go back and the marriage is destroyed. Tell him that you are afraid for your safety and the safety of the children. He needs help in addressing his anger in order for all to move forward. Tell him that you are deeply sorry and remorseful, but the marriage is done and now it is time to move on. Go see a lawyer and get moving. I am a BS and I find these stories heartbreaking. I just don't get it. Unlike my ex-wife, you seem very contrite. We basically rug swept her first affair thanks to a terrible MC. Several years later I caught her again, but I suspect there were more betrayals to her story. I don't know what else you can do at this point. It is out of your hands. It would be nice if those that are about to cheat read stories like yours and others that are posted on these types of sites. It just might sink into someone's head that the consequences of cheating are just too great and real.

BS here [and to me you will always be Iamrecycling].

You survive this one day at a time. If that too much, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one step at a time, one nanosecond at a time.

You keep fucking going.

Gently - I never said any of the above is easy - for anyone [BS or WS]. I will say the work on healing yourself is worth it.

You survive this by bringing meaning and growth to it. How can we possibly begin to forgive ourselves, or even live with ourselves, unless we've at least tried to grow and change and learn from the things we did? Experiencing shame, guilt and pity is something that is necessary short-term, because people don't change unless they have to. The trick however, is in not getting stuck in that shame and grief. Those are selfish emotions, and do no good for either the WS or the BS. If we label ourselves as unworthy people, then we will certainly live up to those standards.

So we set better standards for ourselves.

We learn from our mistakes, consciously decide that we no longer want to be the kind of person that thinks, feels and acts that way, and then we take purposeful steps to change who we are fundementally, at our cores.

Very early on in R, my wife sent me an email, in which she asked me this:

How do you want to be remembered? Do you want folks to say, poor guy, he had his demons even though he tried? Or do you want folks to say I want to emulate him because despite the horrific adversity he faced and the years it haunted him, he made us all look up to him? He is someone that I wish I could be.

I'll be honest with you. It took me about 4 years to figure how to do that. It was hard, it was frustrating, and my lack of ability to fundamentally change (I could only phone it in sometimes) only ended up doing more damage to myself and my wife. Most of the time I wanted to just give up, or just end my existence. In retrospect, I needed to feel those things. I needed to struggle and fail time and again. I needed to really get sick of being who I am. I needed to die, just not in the physical sense. I had to go back (though therapy) and figure WHAT made me think and feel and act the way I do, WHY I really did those things and what they really meant to me, and then figure out HOW to go about developing newer, healthier coping skills and thought patterns. It is no small feat, and one should not go into this thinking it will be. So you set your expectations accordingly.

And no comments about not cheating to begin with. That’s a given and not helpful advice.

I would just like to bring this up (because I no longer conflict avoid things, because that wasn't working out so well for me). I have noticed in several of your posts (not just this thread) you have made similar statements or taken similar stances. regarding telling people what you don't want to hear. From this end of the internet, it feels very aggressive and defensive, right out of the gate, and can be very off-putting to people who are looking at your post with the hope of being able to be of help or support. When you wrote this, there were no replies yet, so maybe take a moment to ask yourself why you felt you needed to add this defensive disclaimer, and what harm would have occurred had such a response occurred? What would your options be? Could you choose to just ignore and not respond at all to such replies? You could. But you didn't. For some reason, this was important to you. In fact, you wrote a longer sentence about what not to say, than the length of your original question!

This isn't me digging on you. This is me challenging you to start figuring yourself out. Writing, "And no comments about..." could not have been a happy or pleasant moment for you, and I sense instead stress and aggravation in those words, almost as if you are looking for a fight about it. So what were you feeling? What were you afraid of? Where in your body did you feel that emotion physically? What wall was going up at that time? What were you protecting?

We survive by changing. Growing. Learning. And we do that, by knowing and understanding ourselves, and by learning to love who we are, including our imperfections.

I think what RealityBlows said was excellent advice.

Iamtrash

How do you survive this?

First thing is learn to accept it and to forgive yourself.

If you are able to reach that step then you move on to the next which is to be the best mother and coparent you can be.

If you are able to reach that step then you move on to being a friend to N.

If you are able to reach that step then you continue to move on with the rest of your life.

We need more because our baseline, our threshold to achieve happiness is more difficult to achieve for whatever reason(s). Those underlying reasons need to be fleshed out in IC and resolved.

This^^^ is the root of it all. It is not easy but you will survive this and possibly be better for it. Hugs!

You survive this by bringing meaning and growth to it. How can we possibly begin to forgive ourselves, or even live with ourselves, unless we've at least tried to grow and change and learn from the things we did?

Exactly. We don't stay stuck in shame; we don't view ourselves as irredeemable. We acknowledge the mistakes we made and the people we hurt, and we learn from it. We also learn to not accept abusive behaviors from others, even if we feel we deserve it. Our past poor decisions do not give others the right to levy their poor decisions upon us.

Change often hurts; it puts us outside our safe zone. But, as we learn, that 'safe zone' is often what led us down the path of poor decisions.

Surviving is all about one thing.

Knowing that tomorrow has the possibility to be better.

Know that today is you building toward tomorrow. So what are you building for yourself tomorrow? Focus on that light. It is the hope of one more day. Don't let it get dark with fear. Instead see fear as a warning to put in a contingency for. If you are scared of being lonely, then think about what you will do to fill that time.

Life is breathing today to wake up for tomorrow. Just look at your past. You have overcome difficulty before. How can this be too difficult now? Use that perspective and never let compounding issues make you think you won't do better.