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her husband is talking divorce to the extent of custody and wanting to have a 6 month RA over a blowjob she gave 16 years ago in an affair that she had disclosed to him prior to marriage.

No. SHE is talking custody. SHE offered him full custody.

Talking about an RA is completely normal. Many BS have said as much on this thread, and in numerous threads on this site.

And it's not about the blow job. I don't know why it's so hard to understand it's what the BJ represents. Lies. LIES. DECADES OF BEING TOLD HE HAS THE ENTIRE TRUTH, ONLY TO FIND OUT OTHERWISE. Maybe the BJ was the straw that broke the camel's back. Why is it so hard to understand that it's her Lies that pushed him over the edge??

But..I'm not her BH..maybe it is the BJ. Guess what? That makes him a typical BH. I KNOW you have read the sex threads on the general forum over the years. You know that a wife,or girlfriend, giving herself sexually to the OM, in a way she has not given herself to her SO is deeply painful to the BH. Here we have a BH who was denied oral sex for nearly two decades,only to find out his SO gave oral sex to the man she cheated on him with.

I've seen many women empathize on those particular threads, with the BH here. But now we have WW posting that she gave her OM oral,while denying her SO, and empathy disappears,and the BH is vilified.

It really shocks me, to be honest.

OP, read the other forums. You will see how common the threat of an RA is. Very few actually go through with it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:28 AM, May 5th (Wednesday)]

hikingout

That's not lost on me, Lostone. I can understand why this man is upset about finding out 16 years ago, while still dating his wife she had continued having sex with this man. Which was disclosed at the time. It makes sense that because she never gave him BJ's until recent years that he feels upset about recently finding out about this one single blow job this guy got 16 years ago. I am stating that just matter of fact since you said you didn't read the post. Please do not read sarcasm in what I just wrote.

What I was really trying to say, is that her husband is talking divorce to the extent of custody and wanting to have a 6 month RA over a blowjob she gave 16 years ago in an affair that she had disclosed to him prior to marriage.

I get you on this (I'm not reading you as being sarcastic) - As I said, I'm ignorant of the OP's history and I only read the last few posts and I saw what you wrote and thought there might be an extenuating circumstance (like there would be in my case). So in my case it was just a couple BJ's but it was this history surrounding them that made it more important.

I understand this is a dday and she lied about it. I don't discount that. I don't expect it was pleasant for him to find this out, and I understand how he would be very upset But, I don't think it packs the same wallop as an undisclosed affair 16 years ago would. I could be completely wrong, and that's okay. But, if you read over both of these strings there is something not right about the situation. I don't know what it is, but read it all and then see if you see what I am saying.

Maybe he internalized the initial affair and forged ahead with something like a vow to himself - if she does this again, I'm out. Well, she didn't do this again (she didn't have another affair), yet she did lie about the initial one, so it's not the same as an affair, but it's not something he can just get over either.

I dunno, I should read the history.

I see a woman who had an affair 16 years ago as a 21 year old dating her husband. I see a woman who has never gotten past her shame of what she did and is filled with remorse. And, I see a woman who is desperately trying to hang in there to the extent she is entertaining letting him have a 6 month affair with no ramifications. She has offered him full custody of their children at a time where it's 50/50. I don't discount the merits of the upset he feels and the TT he has endured. All I am saying is there is an incongruent reaction and situation that is taking place in the aftermath.

I agree with this. I get his pain and understand the want of a RA, but it's not rational to think that there would be no ramifications from such an action. I also don't think she should give him full custody. So I'm in agreement with you with regard to this.

Now, I do regret some of my speculations. We do not know what is happening, there are a lot of fill in the blanks. I do regret accusing him of something that may not be true. But, at the same time, I am not sure how to express how lopsided this relationship is and how irrational the request is that he get a 6 month affair for one blowjob she gave during a disclosed sexual affair that happened 16 years ago. I can't see it. And, that's the last I will comment on that aspect out of respect for 15yearsinthemaking. I want her to focus on what she needs to focus on, and it's not this.

The thing is, an RA isn't making things even. I get the idea behind it as a BS, but the reality is that it's just further damage to a relationship.

I want her to focus on that too so I'll bow out.

Yes I am not debating it any further either. I want to help her and so much is just speculation. There is for sure a power dynamic that has always been off here and I think she sees what I am saying. She is doing everything a remorseful spouse should do, and because of that I am just going to hope she sees that she has never healed her ws side, she has carried some pretty heavy shame for all this time. Now that the truth is out maybe both of them will heal more fully.

hikingout

I get that. I have a hard time following that he knew there was a sexual affair all this time but the BJ has sent him into this big of a spiral.

SadieMae

It may not just be about a bj.

HellFire

And it's not about the blow job. I don't know why it's so hard to understand it's what the BJ represents. Lies. LIES. DECADES OF BEING TOLD HE HAS THE ENTIRE TRUTH, ONLY TO FIND OUT OTHERWISE. Maybe the BJ was the straw that broke the camel's back. Why is it so hard to understand that it's her Lies that pushed him over the edge??

HellFire

But..I'm not her BH..maybe it is the BJ. Guess what? That makes him a typical BH. I KNOW you have read the sex threads on the general forum over the years. You know that a wife,or girlfriend, giving herself sexually to the OM, in a way she has not given herself to her SO is deeply painful to the BH. Here we have a BH who was denied oral sex for nearly two decades,only to find out his SO gave oral sex to the man she cheated on him with.

I gotta jump in here as a betrayed male... I keep reading in this thread and the other one, seeing the terms: "just a BJ" or "Only a BJ" etc., as if it was some relatively minor act, on the level of an ass-grab or titty squeeze... IT IS NOT.

By the way, either an ass-grab or a titty squeeze would anger and hurt me greatly if the woman I am in a committed relationship with, participated in this activity with some other man.

Back to "Only/just a Blowjob"... I find this phrasing tremendously triggering. It disregards and diminishes (probably unintentionally) the feelings of the man. It may not be a big deal to you, but it will be a HUGE DEAL to most men.

***

Why? When I think of my woman giving some other man a blowjob, here is what I think of: GRAPHIC MIND MOVIE DETAILS AHEAD

(Edited due to inappropriate)

***

And then she came home and used that same mouth to kiss me?!?!? She smiled at me with it? She acted like we were all good?

And I know 15yrsinthemaking said she didn't go right back to her then-boyfriend immediately after... it would be worse if she did, but most men won't give a fuck about that like it's "better".

There is no "better" when your woman sucks another guy off, there is only "worse".

***

And trust me, I held back with that mind-movie!

I just described a low-level rabbit-hole that 15yrsinthemaking's husband has been experiencing, probably for years prior to the actual admission, and then after it is even worse.

The fact that it was 16 years ago, does not make it better.

***

Now I want to agree and disagree with Hellfire when she says:

And it's not about the blow job. I don't know why it's so hard to understand it's what the BJ represents. Lies. LIES. DECADES OF BEING TOLD HE HAS THE ENTIRE TRUTH, ONLY TO FIND OUT OTHERWISE.

No, trust me, IT IS ABOUT THE BLOWJOB!

I keep reading all the time "it's not the sex, it's the lies". No, it's the sex. The sex is the initial wound into your trust, your exclusivity, your soul, your psyche. It's the transgression, the major wound.

The lies are a rusty shank that is jabbed into that wound over and over again, making it bigger, infecting it, making it reek, and the years that go by do not make it better it makes it worse.

There is no better, there is only worse.

So I also agree with Hellfire, IT IS ALSO ABOUT THE LIES which compound the injury for years on end, rob him of his agency, and make him resent 15yrsinthemaking to a degree she probably cannot fathom.

***

Now, does that mean it is impossible for 15yrsinthemaking and her husband to reconcile? No.

But we can see that this is something he has ruminated on for over 15 years. He has been lied to for over 15 years.

If I were to guess, I think he is just waiting for the next revelation.

***

Please, female contributors, stop using the term "Only/just a blowjob". A blowjob is at least as intimate as vaginal sex, at least in the mind of a lot of men, and their point of view is just as valid as yours, and it is way more valid when it is their woman who is giving that blowjob to a man she is cheating on him with.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:17 AM, May 8th (Saturday)]

"Only/just a blowjob". A blowjob is at least as intimate as vaginal sex

Agree. And for most BH's a blowjob is more intimate in many ways. The idea that your WW or WGF gave a blowjob to another man is DEVASTATING.

Now you can diminish that all you want, but if you're not a man then you have NO IDEA (and now as if on cue, I'm sure some white knight will show up here to minimize and claim WW's or WGF's giving blow jobs to another man is no big deal).

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:00 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

lease, female contributors, stop using the term "Only/just a blowjob". A blowjob is at least as intimate as vaginal sex, at least in the mind of a lot of men, and their point of view is just as valid as yours, and it is way more valid when it is their woman who is giving that blowjob to a man she is cheating on him with.

Female contributer here to say that I agree. If not "more" intimate, it's intimate to a different degree. You can just lie there with vaginal sex. Oral sex involves a great deal of very personal action and intent to give pleasure. I completely understand why this is a huge deal.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:23 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

Oral sex involves a great deal of very personal action and intent to give pleasure.

Exactly, thank you.

And this is the coup de grace that makes it even worse in most BH's minds:

And then she came home and used that same mouth to kiss me?!?!? She smiled at me with it? She acted like we were all good?

Of course this is true for any kind of sex, but what makes it worse from a BH's perspective is qualitatively different. I have a sacramental view of 3D reality (and that sacramental nature can be perverted by human brokenness) and all of the objects within it.

Thus: a mouth is the same thing we use to speak language and ideas, to kiss, to eat, to breathe, to wail, to laugh.

When it is used intimately, the symbolic potency of this is hard to overstate.

I think it's why Proverbs 30:20 says

"This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've done nothing wrong.'"

For all intents and purposes, when it comes to matters of sexuality, intimacy, pair bonding and monogamy, they very much lived 3,000 years ago in the same 3D time-space continuum we inhabit.

If the mouth is used to speak words of life and happiness and love, if it speaks truth, if it is used to comfort and love, then that's for good.

If the mouth pours out lies and is used in intimate acts to betray, that's for bad. And it is devastating.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:38 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

Hi OP here

I just want to take a moment to say that I'm VERY AWARE AND UNDERSTANDING of my BH feelings. The debates have taken over and I'm bowing out of my own thred. I appreciate the advice I have gotten but I feel the advice has since stopped.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 6:24 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

You can request this thread to be closed if you wish 15years and no one can comment any more.

For the record, I did not mean to diminish your husbands pain. It's the reaction I am not following. It IS incongruent to ask for a 6 month affair. It IS incongruent for you to offer custody. My comments were never meant to be about the act itself, it was the reaction and power dynamic I was trying to address. I do not understand how others do not understand that, but I agree with you. You do have a firm handle and are acting in all ways of remorse. I apologize directly to you for my part in stirring up things that didn't need stirred. I just didn't know how to make it clear to you that his request for a 6 month affair for a undisclosed sex act in an affair that happened 16 years ago when you were very first dating him is not something you should accept. I hope you will continue to share and post in other ways, and I do promise you in the future I will be mindful and respectful of the controversy concerning your situation.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:44 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

For the record, I did not mean to diminish your husbands pain.

Nor did I mean to diminish your pain, 15years.

It IS incongruent to ask for a 6 month affair.

I am not sure I agree, but looking for perfect congruence from betrayed spouses who are bleeding with pain is incongruent.

Asking for an affair to somehow balance the scales is probably not going to work. However, in asking, the betrayed husband is granting the agency that he never got.

***

My advice to 15yrsinthemaking, say no.

And then let go of the outcome.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:30 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]