SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I DO NOT see myself as a victum.

I think this shows you are remorseful. Considering some seem to want to make you the victim here, you continue to say you aren't, and you continue to defend your husband. You have repeatedly said he has never been anything less than kind and loving. This RA crap is so common,as I said earlier, that there have been several threads about BS considering an RA. It's normal to consider. Most don't go through with it. A small percentage do. I don't see anything, in what you have written, that sounds like he is dead set on it, or that he is already cheating.

I think you're being honest, remorseful, and owning your shit. Many new WS would love to be told their BH is the bad guy, and they're the victim. I commend you for being strong.

Just want to chime in that Maise wrote some truly wonderful posts. I felt as if I was reading my own story, from the trauma pain that put me in a place to want to hurt my WH, to the realization that loving ourselves is the path to find our way out of the mess created.

Thank you Maise.

And 15yrs, hang in. I've probably said it a couple of times now, IMO what your BH is showing is a trauma response. If you have the time/wherewithal (bc I know being a WS already has a pretty long "to do" list), learn about it, as I truly believe a WS that can learn about trauma and trauma response can provide better support to their BS than one who does not. I also think many/most WS have their own trauma histories, and gaining understanding about the ways in which it impacts our whole persons - our bodies, our hearts, our souls - can be a catalyst to that elusive self love (or it was for me - and that is still a work in progress).

Understanding how PTSD and C-PTSD impact us, can be beneficial well beyond our marriages or desire to R. It helps us just be healthier and more supportive PEOPLE.

Godspeed.

Gmc,

Yes, thank you I will read about C-ptsd and ptsd. And I do agree that he is responding to the trauma I have caused.

gmc94

💛 thank you, to you and Hikingout and Neanderthal. I’m really grateful I could be helpful in any way.

maise

I have reread your as well .... Lots of good info I really appreciate it. I'm struggling with it all but I'm trying so hard.

Today was tough

15years, there is a lot of bullshit and virtue signaling being spewed forth in this thread. Your BH won't compromise his integrity because he's informing you before he acts. He's not stealing your agency or allowing you to make uninformed decisions. And he won't "use" someone if he's as upfront with them as he is with you. Honestly, it's not too difficult to find a sidechick nowadays if you're motivated, you and several female posters in this thread have firsthand knowledge about that issue. It seems that some women get off on fucking married men and the internet provides the means. And hiking, hell yes he sees cheating differently. Every BS that attempts R has to get cozy with cheating because they are now married to a cheater. That's part of the mindfuck. You have to accept that the person you loved, etc., cheated, lied, betrayed, and fucked you over. You have to attempt to accept what they've done and maintain some semblance of self respect and dignity. It ain't easy either. Most of us thought we'd be out the door if our mate cheated and staying causes major cognitive dissonance.

I am a BH that had a RA and later had another A. I told my wife beforehand as your husband told you. If I were you, I would take his words seriously. The thing I want to get through to you more than anything else, is if there is any other detail from your past infidelities that you could ever imagine seeing the light of day, you need to tell him now. The sooner the better. I honestly can't stress this enough. Any further damage control stupidity will make dealing with him, even in divorce and coparenting, next to impossible.

If he's made up his mind to give you a taste of your own medicine, then the ball is in your court. You can divorce or you can eat the shit sandwich you served him. It's pretty much that simple. Nothing anyone says or does will sway him. If his rage was anything like mine, he can't be reasoned with and every question you ask will be flipped back to you and what you did. I'm surprised he didn't ask you about your conditions for his RA. You also need to know that your marriage is going to be radically different going forward. It's going to be a toxic shitstorm for some time going forward. Years actually. You're dealing with a dude that's completely fucking fed up with your bullshit. How he feels about you, how he sees you, what he thinks about you, and sex will all be different.

I would tell your BH to put the energy he's expending in vengeance into getting himself out of infidelity, even if that means divorce. Fucking someone else for 6 months won't get him out of infidelity. I would also ask him if he wants his children to know he went outside of the marriage too even if he told you. As you're well aware, this infidelity shit almost always sees the light of day. Eventually the beans will be spilled and his actions will have to be explained to people he cares about and that truly sucks. Those two things may help him avoid an RA.

Buck,

So you had a "RA" did your Wife stand by your side while you had it? Did she know, how did you feel about her after your "RA"

I'm scared that if I agree to his RA that he will always see me as weak and usable maybe expendable?

I do take my BH very serious when he says he wants one but he also struggles with the idea....

15,

Quick post.

By lashing out at you, it means he still has feelings for you. The worst scenario is that he does not care at all...

I agree that your BH is lashing out and threatening a RA to 'get back' at you, to 'even the scales'.

Sad fact is, the scales will never be even. The BS will forever be burdened by the betrayal. Hell, anyone who has suffered a betrayal will always bear a burden. The thing is, how the betrayed deal with the burden. (Note: This is not to say that the remorseful WS do not bear any burden, it will be a different burden)

Affairs do a heck of a lot of damage to a relationship. It damages the BS, it damages the WS, in different ways.

Your BH is already damaged by being a BS. How will he heal by inflicting more damage to himself, and whatever remnants of a relationship he has with you and the children? Does he want to complicate his life and add on the burden a WS carries? How will this affect your children?

As with all life altering decisions, perhaps your BS needs to step back and reassess for a bit. Really think about the consequences that will happen if he embarks on that path.

I would tell your BH to put the energy he's expending in vengeance into getting himself out of infidelity, even if that means divorce. Fucking someone else for 6 months won't get him out of infidelity. I would also ask him if he wants his children to know he went outside of the marriage too even if he told you. As you're well aware, this infidelity shit almost always sees the light of day. Eventually the beans will be spilled and his actions will have to be explained to people he cares about and that truly sucks. Those two things may help him avoid an RA.

15,

As I said nothing good come of doing what is proposed. That should be evidence enough of it.

Its not a path forward. Tune out the looking for an echo chamber, the wanting to make your situation an effigy for what some of us feel, and understand, that it is not best for you or your BH for this to happen.

Besides, I always though this site was about getting out of infidelity, not continuing it or contributing to it. Hence, why no is my answer and always will be. I hope you and your BS don't continue this circle.

Oh, absolutely, we agree on that. CT and I have been having a spirited debate on OP's other thread about whether it's reasonable for her BH to be angry about specific details of her affair.

I haven't read any of the other post and should. I didn't realize I was stepping into a bigger controversy than I understood. I wasn't seeing some of what the others were pointing out how we were turning her to a victim and all that. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that other post is coloring this post. Because I didn't read it, I thought we were really just discussing the merits of letting him have an RA or not.

And, I didn't necessarily think he was having an affair. I just thought it sounded like he had someone picked out. I will read the other thread now so I can understand the situation better.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:48 AM, April 30th (Friday)]

let's see - so if it was WRONG for you to have an affair its somehow RIGHT for him to have one?

IF I was a WW and my husband insisted on a RA I'd leave him.

I'm not interested in a tit for tat relationship where I must be punished.

He needs to grow up.

BH felt bad for the images I had in my head, but he also explained he has had the same nightmares as well.

This is really good 15. Like perfect. These kind of actions are going to help you both endure this. Turn towards one another at times of duress. Seek to understand each other. That will accomplish so much more than any other advice I can give you.

I do not blame 15'd BH for thinking this is a "good idea." . I am not saying his intentions are healthy or will lead anywhere but misery for both 15 and her H. I think though we need to reserve judgement of her BH just as we reserve judgement for any WS that feels lost, hopeless and are in enough pain they can't be put into words. Empathy for others is a big part of my own personal growth in this hell we call infidelity. I learned this despite my Ws A not because of it. Sometimes you have to fall apart and put the pieces back together in a different way to become more than the sum of your parts.

15 your H is in a place that is next to impossible to understand unless you've been there yourself. Every situation is different and where some might see danger I see opportunity. Clearly your BH is still engaging with you. When he refuses to talk to you that is when I would be concerned.

So right now, today, you both talking about your fears, pain, anger, sadness . . . take that as small comfort. Communication is the way this will heal and you can begin the walk to stop hurting each other. Sharing your real feelings should not be hurtful and you both need to work on trusting each other too.

Someone said something about self esteem and I could not agree more with that. His self esteem is at an all time low if it exists at all. That is another reason he thinks this RA will help him regain that. " I mean RAP finds me attractive enough to sleep with me they can't be wrong." 15 you need to be building him up as often as you can. I know complimenting someone who is angry and likely hurtful to you is hard, but choose moments when things are calm to just tell him something that you greatly admire about him. You are so good at _____. Expand on why that is and remind him that whatever issues you have that it does not mean it makes him any less than he has always been. You did not cheat because he was or wasn't anything. It was a decision that you made because . . .well you might not know now, but that is why you are going to IC. You betrayed your own morals and ideas? Why ? Anyway something for IC. Share with your H what you feel comfortable sharing from IC, but please do not lie or avoid it. Just remind him that you are talking to the IC and your thoughts aren't easy to put into words and it might take some time before you can verbalize them.

His hurtful words may continue for some time. Don't argue. Apologize for lying to him. Let him burn some of that off. He also needs an alternative to expend that anger. Honestly you are not always going to be strong enough to listen to those words. Exercise is good. Also IC, if he is open, can really help him get back to center.

15 please hang in there. You keep doing what you think is right each and every time. You will fail as much as you succeed, but please keep your intentions and actions clear to your husband. Be transparent in thoughts and actions. When your instinct is to say nothing, force yourself to say something. It might not go the way you planned, but keep communicating with him when he allows you to. When he demonstrates he wants to talk then let him.

Seek him out once awhile too. Talk about your feelings . . . all of them. Give him as much of a window into your thoughts and feelings as you can. Vulnerable communication is going to get your closer to what you want than anything else.

Hang in there and keep doing the quoted thing above. I cannot tell you how positive this it. It might not last, but remember that when things are going as well.

numb&dumb,

Thank you!! I appreciate the advice on how to continue the conversation with with BH.

It helps me with an idea of what I need to do and how to to about doing it.

I want to focus on him and his thoughts and pain. I understand how opening up to him and being vulnerable is a good too.

Ok so I'm a BH and I told my wife the same thing. That the imbalance in our relationship was too much and that I needed to do what she did. After weeks of talking about it. We decided to try it and see if it worked. Before I was going to do it I sat her down and tried to warn her what it's going to feel like and that I would help her through it. As I was telling her the things she was probably going to feel I saw tears start falling as she was trying to hold them back. At that very moment I knew that this was not the way to go about it. I felt that if I were to do this that I would no longer be a "man" or a true "father". Or at least what I think a man should be. Later that night we talked more and I told her that I was not going to do that to her. I asked her that if I were to do that would I be lesser in her eyes. She said no but I guess it came down to how I would see myself.

I know that if I were to have multiple affairs that it would certainly destroy her and that I would be the cause of it. Also I would knowingly be hurting my W and my family. That to me is not a man or a true father. I thought of what I want my son's to grow up and be like and that was not it. The hardest part of this whole thing has been accepting what has happened. I do find comfort in the fact that I know factually that if anything like this happens again that it will be over instantly. She knows this as well. I guess when I think of a true man or father it's someone who absorbs the hit for his family and protects them from the pain. A father takes the pain for his children so as to keep them safe. The reasons for my willingness to try R is because I have to factor in the multiple diagnosed mental problems she was recently been given. The alcoholism and of course the kids.

While these are in no way excuses for what has happened they are factors that I have considered. I'm not saying that R will work but I do know that I'm willing to give her 1 shot. 1 and only 1. A man doesn't seek to hurt his W intentionally. A man doesn't commit acts that he would not want his son's to do. For me it's just not the kind of person I want to be. While she might not think lesser of me if I did these things. I most certainly would.

[This message edited by Gixxer1998 at 5:50 PM, May 2nd (Sunday)]

Fooled13years,

You be his A partner. Whatever he thinks he will gain through a 6 month PA you fill that need.

Kick up your game! Spice everything up. Pursue him, chase him, attack him in the bedroom.

This resonated very deeply with me. I did up my game this weekend. I pursued him and it went over well, I even got us new bedroom toys, I've never done this without him with me so he was surprised. BH reacted very well and I had fun planning and seeking him out. Next weekend I planned a date night. We don't get but maybe 2 dates nights a year... I'm changing that now! I planned our date night and I even get to pay cause I got my first paycheck in a long time.

And when he went to work tonight he kissed me goodbye and said he loved me. My heart skipped a beat.

The reason that your BH wants to have an affair is because he wants to be able to have intimacy with other women WITHOUT your permission. Key point being "permission". Just like how you did not ask for his permission to step out. So it is very important that you do not let him have the opportunity to ask you to do things for him.

That is a very good advice, you roleplaying as an AP for your BH. He cannot ask you to do it. Not even once or else the roleplay will just be ineffective and may (actually will) make him think that you did it only because he asked you to.

You need to be aware of triggers though. There is a high chance he might play some movie in his head and ask whether the things you do are what you did for your EX-AP.

Morbid,

So it is very important that you do not let him have the opportunity to ask you to do things for him.

What do you mean by this....like in the bedroom?

There is a high chance he might play some movie in his head and ask whether the things you do are what you did for your EX-AP.

Yeah, I thought about this but... BH knows I'm pretty shy when it comes to going to sex shops. He brought me into one and I giggled like a 12 yr boy the whole I was in there.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 4:56 AM, May 3rd (Monday)]

let's see - so if it was WRONG for you to have an affair its somehow RIGHT for him to have one?

This is always the part that confuses me.

I totally understand the desire for revenge. I really do. But all it means to me (having an RA) is that affairs are then not wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think a BS really cares about right and wrong,after one dday,let alone a 4th dday. Many want to lash out, and hurt and stop the hurting.

Many seem to be disregarding that he isn't thinking clearly,because he is traumatized. And,in this case, he is deeply traumatized because of the number of ddays.