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It is kind of fun though knowing that potential to find 'the one' is there!

This is sort of the key I found with OLD. For years (decades actually) I took OLD WAY too seriously. Every first date that didn't end up going to a second (when I liked the person) was a devastating blow to my manhood, to my esteem. I'd get so sick of the rejections that I'd quit for years at a time. Then I'd come back to it, even more desperate, end up going on 2nd & 3rd dates with people I wasn't all that interested in, then end up taking the role of heartbreaker because I ended up leading the person on due to my own desperation. It ended up a viscous cycle I couldn't seem to get out of.

Something clicked when I was at the lowest point of my life (before now). I can't really point to any trigger, or any piece of advice. I just got back into OLD and didn't give any f&*@s about the results. It became a game to me. It became "fun". I don't think OLD was ever fun until that point. I started getting requests for 2nd dates nearly every time. I started being the rejecter...before it was like 10 to 1 I'd be rejected, now it was more like every 6 out of 10 dates I was the one not wanting to go to a 2nd date. I didn't change my standards or requirements, instead I stopped "overriding" those existing standards out of desperation. Most importantly, my emotional investment was a lot more guarded. It stopped being "I found the one" after one date, it turned into "she's kinda cool, I'll allow a 2nd date with this one".

When you can develop the thick skin, the lack of desperation, and the emotional control, OLD can be a lot of fun, a great way to have a "social life", and a more effective way to find "the one" when they do come around.

One of my first OL Dates I met compared OLD to a buffet---- People being so quick to move on, trying a little of this, a little of that, knowing some other option will come along. Kind of relates to our instant news and scrolling social media culture. Do you think if you had met him in another natural way, and there was no "Match" to go back and pick the next date from, would you a wanted a second date?

I totally agree. Investing on just one person is not OLD's default MO. But this flitting about makes the whole experience so forgettable . I am being very careful not to make the same mistake again. And when I say I will not settle, I don't mean that I will always be on the lookout for something better (I'm very aware of my own limitations!), but that I am very very clear on what attributes I am looking for in a person and am unwilling to compromise on them. This is not to say that my list is several pages long by the way, I am just very aware of which qualities would improve my chances of having a fulfilling relationship.

My magic three are: kindness (and that includes being a good person and father), being literate and employed, and having a sense of humor. I like people who are so in tune with themselves that they can laugh at their own expense. It speaks of introspection and soul searching. But for me there has to be some chemistry as well.

I have a theory that, when you are not physically attracted to someone, even if they are not bad looking, you are subconsciously rejecting their personality. Conversely, If you find a person interesting and endearing, you will most probably end up fancying them as well, regardless of how they look (Twicefooled you will agree with me on that).

Also, as a BS, there are red flags I am particularly sensitive to, such as narcissism, arrogance, secrecy and ambivalence. When someone starts playing mind games, or sends mixed messages, I am gone.

To answer your question Anna, no, he wouldn't have got a second date even in a pre-OLD world. We talked easily (it is easier the first time because each has their life story to tell), but I very much felt that we would have struggled to find more topics of conversation to last us a second date.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 8:04 AM, May 7th (Friday)]

I have a theory that, when you are not physically attracted to someone who is not bad looking, you are subconsciously rejecting their personality. Conversely, If you find a person interesting and endearing, you will most probably end up fancying them as well, regardless of how they look (Twicefooled you will agree with me on that).

I love this! Food for thought.

My last relationship taught me that my picker is forever broken. I am more happy single...

My last relationship taught me that my picker is forever broken. I am more happy single...

If I had to go by my history, I would be swearing off men for ever and ever. But we evolve and grow as people and I hope our picker does too.

Little update. I had a nice date yesterday. I went with 0 expectations ready to tear the guy apart and ended up having a good time. Conversation came easy and he checks some very important boxes which were left painfully unchecked in my last relationships. He’s kind and generous and sociable....ex bf was the antonym of all of that! He asked me on a second date, I said yes

Not sure what will come out of this, nor do I want to give it too much thought, but I am feeling happy right now. It feels like I have broken some invisible ice.

Good update! And you are right, you don't know what will come of it, and not overthinking is a great plan. Keep your eyes open and let things progress naturally. And keep us updated naturally . I love hearing how we are all doing out there. The Good The bad and The ugly. But mostly the good.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:01 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

Nice! That's the way it 'should' be. Enjoy it and see what happens.

Didn’t hear from him again.

The joys of OLD

It's only been a day. Was he supposed to call you and he didn't? Did you reach out to him? If he actually asked you on a second date...

Good for you, Karma!

I missed your first post but I was going to say - sure, you may not get a partner who checks all of the boxes, but surely you can do a little better than "meh".

If he asked you for a second date while you were together, he may be waiting a couple of days to contact your to plan the details of the next date? Or did he say he was going to contact you and then not---

He texted yesterday....talking about the weather! You have got to love British men

He didn’t mention getting together again, but we chatted a bit and I am honestly fine with whatever happens. I have detached myself from the outcome. In fact I surprised myself with my lack of neediness

He didn’t mention getting together again, but we chatted a bit

One of the changes I am making in my current relationship is to not tiptoe around things. I'm working on being more direct. It helps that the man I am dating is very direct by nature. Therefore I feel free to do the same. I'm going to challenge you, Karma, to be direct with him. Flat out ask him if he would like to get together again. If the answer is yes, hammer down a date and place right there. If the answer is no, or if he is wishy-washy about it, move on. Block him if it helps, if it seems he is doing the gentle fading away disappearing act.

He may be shy. Or he may be keeping you as a backup (not committing to a second date, but maintaining loose contact so if something else falls through for him, he has you...). Either way, better to know sooner rather than later. I don't like loose ends or non-definitive endings.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:45 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

In fact I surprised myself with my lack of neediness.

While I agree this is a healthy approach, it can also be a fine line to go down should you also want something more than friendship in the future. Whereas a "bad boy" will push you to a decision, the so called "nice guys" tend to accept a non-committal attitude by politely pulling away slowly. Sometimes you have to give a little bit to keep the relationship going, even if it's just a friendship with the possibility of more.

WhoTheBleep, I completely agree that, when you are at the beginning of a relationship, it is good to discuss expectations. But after a first date, and when they go silent immediately afterwards, I have learned to accept that they are either 'not into me' or 'not enough into me'. I am not going to overcomplicate things, like us ladies often do, by thinking of all the possible reasons why they might not be getting in touch, other than 'I don't float their boat'. Of course, the rejection hurts a little bit, but that's about it. I am fine with not seeing him again.

BetrayedGamer, I see where you are coming from, and to be fair, I did initiate the last conversation, but his replies were so half-baked that persevering would have been diabolical. So I stopped. This guy is pleasant enough but not worth mulling over to be honest with you. And I have never been anyone's plan b, I am not going to start now

I think you have the right approach. It took me years to reach that with OLD. For a long time I would end up quitting OLD because I was sick of rejection, eventually I hit a point where I just didn't care and I moved on to the next match.

and to be fair, I did initiate the last conversation, but his replies were so half-baked

This changes things. I didn't realize you had initiated the last conversation. I would definitely just back off and move on at this point. Sounds like you've got your head on straight!

Hi all, just wanted to tell you about the crazy dating week I have just had. I had two first dates since my last update. The first was a disaster but great comedy value so that saved the day. The guy was a vegan who also didn’t eat wheat, or gluten or dairies, or drink wine or sodas or coffee. Body is a temple and all that. Most of the date was spent trying to find something he could have

Second guy was not my type physically but really impressive in other ways . An architect who works with the UN building schools and sporting facilities in Africa. He spent the night telling me how passionate he feels about helping others, but all that empathy didn’t stop him ghosting me straight after

Finally guy from two weeks ago finally got back to me and asked me out on a second date which we are having on Friday. I am still not impressed with the way he disappeared for days but I decided to give him a chance, especially after the shockers I have had since!

OLD truly is the ultimate black comedy!

[This message edited by Karmafan at 8:29 AM, May 24th (Monday)]

It’s been a while since my last update. A few more first dates, a second date, a third date and intense chatting with someone who lives far away and whom I hope to meet next month. So it’s down to three, and they couldn’t be any more different. One makes me feel safe and relaxed. One is funny and entertaining. The third guy (whom I am yet to meet) is sexy as hell. Nothing has happened with any of them and not likely to for some time, if ever.

Overall, I am having fun with it. I am meeting really nice people and having pleasant dates with interesting conversations. But I still find it very hard to let myself go and I can’t decide whether that’s because I am still processing stuff or because I tend to see red flags everywhere. In other words, I really don’t trust my picker, so reluctant to commit to anything. It’s a bit sad that my divorce and subsequent new beginning would have left me so…emotionally stunted. I don’t think I’ll be able to be ‘all in ‘ with another person ever again to be honest. Obviously I so very much hope I am wrong!