SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s a bit sad that my divorce and subsequent new beginning would have left me so…emotionally stunted

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I disagree. You are not stunted. You are going slowly. Always recommended, no matter your situation.

I'm glad you are getting out and having fun!

Case in hand. I had a date last Saturday with a perfectly nice guy. Conversation was easy and he was equally easy on the eye. Driving back, I was unsure if I wanted to see him again. I felt quite ‘meh’ about it. By the time I got home, I knew that would remain a first and only date. But that got me thinking: what if I never find someone who ticks all the boxes?

If you enjoyed this man's company and he was good looking, why not see him again? Just because you go on a second date doesn't mean you're committing to anything.

I met my husband on Match after my divorce; he was handsome but didn't immediately blow my mind, either.

But you know what? My ex did and now I tend to see fireworks as alarm bells.

I’ve thought about this topic quite a bit.

OLD isn’t much different from “organically” dating I suppose. You still meet and get to know each other, decide if you want to continue to further dates or end after one.

Here’s a few questions I ponder. Some people use old photos of themselves; 50 but the picture posted reveals a “30 something year old self”. Is that an indication of a liar? Deceitful nature? Clearly the person you date will eventually see the real you.

Maybe I’m just overthinking it but that alone would send red flags up. I guess it could be quite humorous when the reality of it all settles in and you’re able to pick your jaw off the table. 🤣

[This message edited by Hutch at 1:50 PM, June 10th (Thursday)]

Thank you WhoTheBleep. Socially it is great to be going out so much, especially after the pandemic. Emotionally, I am finding it really hard.

I had a mainly platonic relationship at the beginning of the year with a great man I met IRL. I just couldn’t let myself go. He eventually got tired of waiting. I had IC since and it helped. But I am still numb. Maybe it’s just my default and I have to accept it. But I sincerely hope not because I want to feel again….

Bluerthanblue, I have no regrets over that first guy. I have since met two men I had no doubt I wanted to see again. I know that you don’t always know after just one date, but sometimes it is just crystal clear, one way or another.

Here’s a few questions I ponder. Some people use old photos of themselves; 50 but the picture posted reveals a “30 something year old self”. Is that an indication of a liar? Deceitful nature? Clearly the person you date will eventually see the real you.

Hutch, that applies to men as well as women. I have had ten first dates since re-starting OLD in April. The stats: 8 didn’t look half as good as their OLD pictures.These had obviously been filtered to death. One looked the same and the other one looked much much better in real life, and that’s the guy I am still seeing (obviously not for that reason).

But I don’t think that’s necessarily an indication of a liar or of worse things to come. I honestly think it’s mainly insecurity, which is exacerbated by the terribly fickle nature of OLD, and its culture of judging a book by its cover. It can backfire spectacularly, I agree, but I really don’t think it’s a reflection on a person’s character or integrity.

Eventful week! I had date n. 4 with guy#1 and date n. 3 with guy#2. They both kissed me at the end of it, taking it to another level I suppose. I can no longer claim friendship and I need to make a decision soon. They are both great men and they have made their intentions clear, but I don’t really feel strongly about either of them. I enjoy hanging out with them, texting during the day, organising the next date….but when it comes to the crunch, I am left cold. I strongly suspect that this has more to do with me than them. They really are superfine specimens. Do I carry on dating both until I have the answer or do I pick one out of a hat or do I let them both down and resume my search for someone who can elicit a reaction from this algid woman?

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:22 PM, June 18th (Friday)]

Keep dating them both. What's the rush? It's been 3 or 4 dates. (It takes me a lot longer than that to feel something significant). If they are pushing for a commitment, make it clear you're not ready for that. If they walk, they walk. At least you were all honest.

Or you could continue to date them, and one will eventually edge the other out, or they will both fizzle. In the meantime, you are out there having fun and meeting nice people, and learning. Always learning. Honing your skills so that when the right one comes along you will recognize it.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:24 PM, June 18th (Friday)]

Thank you Bleep. What you said really put things in perspective for me. Funnily enough, I needed to have the conversation with guy#2 as he was coming on a bit too intense for my liking. He wanted to plan the next few dates (he’s an airline pilot and on a tight schedule) and he even offered to cancel his son’s birthday weekend to be with me (I categorically said no to that). I told him we have only just met and he’s going at the speed of light, and I can’t do that. He seemed hurt after that but he wasn’t deterred. He’s going easier on me now. I just need time to figure out what I want and being put under pressure doesn’t help…

[This message edited by Karmafan at 6:00 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

You have earned the right to choose your path and do it to your liking. Be open and upfront, as stated above, and follow your heart.

I think this will be a fitting conclusion to my thread: I have not settled after all. After a number of dates, some multiple ones, I just did not find the connection I was looking for. And not for lack of trying. I think part of the problem is that I am not ready to date, still processing stuff, still emotionally unavailable, unable to trust etc. But to be honest, there hasn’t been anyone who has made me feel comfortable enough to open up or excited enough to willingly lower my defences.

I have been honest with the two guys I was seeing. One took it really badly but the other was gracious about it. I am going to go back to my cave for a while, to lick my wounds and reflect. Work is super busy and, for once, I am grateful for it.

Excellent conclusion to the thread. You behaved like a total adult and were honest with yourself and these gentlemen.

T/J: I went through something similar last year. I had three dates with a pretty awesome man... And for a reason I couldn't put my finger on, I just wasn't feeling it. Looking back, he was a good one. It was me who wasn't emotionally available. I should not have been dating. If I was up for dating right now, (which we all know I am not!), And he reappeared, I would probably revisit that...😁

Go lick your wounds Karma. Do kind things for yourself and get your work done.

Healing is a slow process...

Healing is a slow process...