SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So at times my husband and I get into arguments because at times I get tired of doing certain things around the house. I would like help then we bicker on who does what and my husband tells me I'm a bad wife because I get tired of always having to do certain chores around the house. When I tell him I do alot and I would like help then that makes me a bad wife. I tell him that it doesn't make me a bad wife. what makes me a bad wife is that I cheated, I lied and betrayed him for another man. If we fight about who cooks and who has to clean.he just throws I that I cheated. These habits of bickering and not getting help happened before the affair. at times I just feel defeated and lost. Its so hard because I'm this horrible person and since my husband didn't cheat he is better then me. When I say I'm sorry for being so horrible to him and that I am working on being there for him. He just tells me good for me. He then calls me a horrible mother for hurting my son. I tell him if my son feels that way then he needs to tell me and not my husband. it's hard to get any point across that doesn't involve the affair. When it's simple things he just throws in my face that I cheated. I don't think I'll ever escape that quality.thats all my husband sees in me no matter what amount of work I do. Maybe I'm making a deal over nothing. But at times it's hard to talk about just getting simple help around the house without being told I'm and wife and that I'm just a cheater.

[This message edited by Patty21 at 9:41 PM, July 1st (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Patty21 at 3:41 AM, Friday, July 2nd]

Former WS here. Gently, you may want to think about ending things. Your BH seems to show no capacity for forgiveness, which I think is an essential glue to keeping relationships intact. I know I could not continue under those conditions. I don't think my BW ever really forgave. We just both did the big rug-sweep and moved on. The memories and the pain of it are still there, but for me the pluses of staying M outweigh the minuses. Most days. Good luck.

It can be hard because I am told good for you that ur not cheating or now u have decided to make a change. When it should have been before. I am told the damage is done. He feels like we're roommates.i don't do anything sexual because just right now it doesn't feel right and I feel that it doesn't make him feel like a man or anything. He just brings up the other person. I feel that I am not enough and In time we will drift apart. We workout and at the moment it just seems we are just working on ourselves and eventually we will grow out of love

I have ruined that relationship and everything I wanted is gone.all I can do is just heal for myself and be there when my husband let's me

Patty, how do you think your BH should be responding to you?

Right now you are early in the game. You will both make one way or another. My standard advice try to be his best friend even if he doesn't see it at first maybee one day he will. It will not be easy.

I understand that my husband has the right to be upset. But asking for help I should be called a bad wife? When he needs the help I gladly help at times I get tired. We both get up at 4 an to workout. He works from home and I work at a hospital. So I really do my part along with healing myself and be there for my husband. I have no problem agreeing that I was a bad wife because of my affair but to ask for help around the house. I don't think that makes me a bad wife. Every arugemet we have it's okay to use the affair? Idk that's okay. I have no problem to talk about the affair or listen. But getting angry at normal day things it's okay to use my affair for every argument. That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I guess by what I am hearing I deserve this behavior from him even if it's something simple like asking for help around the house

I can't be his best friend or anything he shuts me out. He just wants me to feel miserable like I did to him and to leave him alone. He doesn't want to talk because he wants to heal alone and I caused the pain. so I can't help. No matter what I do we just fight and he brings up the affair. Everything affects him. It gets worse each day. I feel alone and no one to talk to

It is not your BS's responsibility to find their capacity for forgiveness. And it is not their responsibility to find a way to be your friend again. I see you joined in March, so can I assume that d-day was recent? As in, less than 12 months?

This will be raw for a very long time, and the anger and the intolerance of what your BS may very reasonably perceive to be small issues may remain for a long time also. As waywards we completely explode and disintegrate our BS's lives. And we explode every safety and every comfort in them. This takes years to put back together, not months. And even then - it may be many years.

Have you made a decision and a pact with yourself to be there and to fix this? No matter how hard or futile it seems? Have you chosen to do whatever you need to do for as long as you need to do it to help your husband feel whole again? Knowing you may try for years and fail? Being called a bad wife because you aren't doing some work around the house is nothing compared to what is probably going through his head that he doesn't say out loud. And given I think we all know that household chores aren't a measure of anyone's marriage, you might consider trying to look at this from his point of view. Which looks something like waking up every single day next to the person he most trusted and who most painfully betrayed that trust.

Make the choice that you are there to do what is necessary for your BS. Then do it every day.

I have made th choice to fight and stay by my husbands side. I do know that there is a possibility that we might divorce or we can get through this together. I understand that I have killed and crushed my husband's soul. That he has nothing to live for and that I am the only person who has hurt him/ betrayed him. He isn't sure with therapy or in years he can get through this. I have ruined his life maybe even future relationships or having kids getting old with me or anyone. I have committed the worse thing you can do to a person your married to. I'm sure it's hard to live, be around me, sit, sleep next to me. His wife that was suppose to trust and have his back . I couldn't even do that. I betrayed him so early in our marriage. I ruined things for my son who looked up to my husband. I had it all going for me and I just didn't care enough to say this is wrong. I really have thought about what I did and how my husband must feel. I cry when I'm alone because of the person I am and what I have done. It's not a good feeling. I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I created. I did the same for my husband and he didn't deserve any of this or do I deserve him. He deserves better a woman who loves him, who won't lie, turn their back and bertay them. I'm not a good person at all. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I struggle each day because of my choice and I know it's nothing compared to my husbands pain