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How did you all know you were ready to date again? I feel like maybe I am but I really want to make sure I’m okay being alone and I’m not wanting someone because I’m lonely or to just want someone to fill some sort of void.

Im about 9 months post divorce, 18 months post physical separation and 4.5 years post DDay and we basically had an in house separation most of the time since then.

I feel like everything always goes wrong in my life and I never get the happy ending so I just assume I won’t meet someone or will get my heart broken.

(((MessyLeslie))) I am also on the brink of dating… and like you I have some fears. But fears are not always facts, and we have to trust that our radars have been finally, our tolerance for bullshit is near zero, and that we know our own strength.

Go slow, don’t take everything personally (people have their own issues that have nothing to do with you or your awesomeness), and know that you are always going to be okay.

Hi ML,

I’m repeating my story here…

The only person I dated after D was my HS BF for about 3 years. That ended late ‘17. I started all over in healing. I finally was ready in Jan ‘20. Went on a few first dates. Hello CV19!!

I locked everything down early March and started again end of May. Met a man early/mid June. We talked in detail about quarantine and were both serious about it and our health as well as one another’s . I realized 3 days after I first kissed him that I had not thought of the exh or the exbf. At all. Period. I knew I was ready to date when I was present, comfortable, and in the moment with no one but him. No anxiety. No regrets. No guilt.

We only dated 3 months and he turned out to be less than honest about other things, but I’m strong in my boundaries. That does not mean I’m bulletproof, just that I learned a few lessons.

I stopped trying to date in January of this year, giving it a rest for a few months. Who knows.

I really want to make sure I’m okay being alone and I’m not wanting someone because I’m lonely or to just want someone to fill some sort of void.

If you are not sure you are comfortable being alone and second guessing yourself (above), there's a good chance you need some time. Be comfortable and confident in being alone. Think about "wanting" someone in your life vs "needing" someone. Having a partner should enhance an already great life being alone.

Remember, not only does broken attract broken, but predators prey on the vulnerable.

When your ready, you will know. That doesn't mean you won't be nervous about jumping out there again, though!

I listened to a podcast that was recommended here called "Cracking the Dating Code" (this was after 4yrs of dating and not really meeting the kind of men I was looking for). It helped me to better identify the characteristics of a man that I wanted. I then created my list and ticked off boxes as I had dates (hello nerd lol).

Eventually I ended up meeting my now boyfriend and he is everything I wanted, and more. I was ok with saying "no thank you" to anyone that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. If I spent time with someone I wasn't actually interested in, it was taking my energy from finding someone I wanted.

Good luck!! I was single most of 6 yrs before I met him and we are celebrating our 1 year anniversary next month :)

In house separation is not separation. You have been single only since your divorce. Nine months is still new. You are probably concerned for a good reason. Your comment on things always going wrong needs to be addressed. It is not logical to think that way going forward because you have no way of knowing how things will go for you in the future. In the end, it's how you deal with what you get, even if it is something that went wrong, that matters.

If you can get things more settled down for yourself before you date, there is less that can 'go wrong' relationship wise.

Have some fun by yourself and with friends! You deserve it. Take care.

For me, i had to/have to build up a stronger social circle than what i had at the end of the my marriage. i don't want all my emotions invested in one person, rather that i am spread out across many people i am close too. i am slowly getting there. i want a full life, basically, before i allow someone to get close, or, at least, really close.

it's funny - the more i feel my life is going well, and the more peace i feel within myself, the more i start to look, as if it's the natural way of saying i am ready.

i have some way to go yet.

also there is so much about being single that i want to enjoy for a while longer.

best of luck.

My post S life has been a shitshow. For starters, I dated waaaaay to soon and it damaged me, in some ways even more than my marriage ending. The funny thing is that I miss my GF more than I ever missed my W. But it was not to be.

After we broke up, I gave it 6 months before I dipped my toe in the cesspool of OLD and held it there for a whole five days. I realized it was too soon. Waited anothe 6 months and tried again. Went out a few times for drinks with a nice woman, but then the panic attacks started at the prospect of a relationship. This time, I listened to my body and we had a talk. She was disappointed, but understanding.

I am now in monk-mode and I feel much better. In fact, I feel at peace. I use to worry that if I stayed single for too long, it might be permanent. Now, I dont worry about it as I am going what is right for me. There is a real chance I might stay single for the rest of my life and that's okay.

I think for everyone, being 'ready' to date again is a personal journey. Of course, you don't want to venture through any more emotional baggage, but when you have had any kind of emotional trauma dropped on you, each person handles the healing process differently.

I am 16+ years out of my 2nd divorce and it was such a horrific set of circumstances that I am still dealing with issues from it.

I am an overthinker so my IC recommended I try the top 3 reasons of XYZ technique to get a good sense of my whys and avoid putting off things that make me uncomfortable. Thus, why are you ready to date again? 1.2.3. Go!