SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

and ready to exit the other side into the light.

We signed papers in the lawyer's office today. Now it just needs to be signed off by the judge, and that should happen in the next couple of weeks.

In the end, WH backed down on a lot of things and was surprisingly reasonable about the settlement. I'm staying in our current house, and he will be moving into the new house he is buying. Assuming nothing goes wrong with the closing, he will be out of here in mid-August.

I'm feeling somewhat sad that things ended up as they did, but I know that I gave him every opportunity over the past 7 years to make things right and to get help for himself. He seems to be realizing that he has alienated both kids and my family. I actually feel sorry for him because I now understand that he really doesn't see how he has been the problem. And until he does, nothing will really get better for him.

I'm sad that the only person that I have a shared history with will be gone, and I too will be lonely. Nobody will ever fill that gap because I have no other friends who have known me as long as he has. That part of my life is over, and sometimes it feels like there isn't enough time left to make a new life, at least not one that will feel fulfilling.

I guess it's just hitting me tonight.

(((InPurgatory)))

Nobody will ever fill that gap

He did fill that gap. Now you don't need that gap filled. This is a new chapter. You will be fulfilled in other ways if you make yourself open to it. No one's life is supposed to go perfectly and be wrapped up in a pretty little bow by the time we leave this world. We are constantly on a journey. Yours is still going strong. Enjoy the ride.

Thank you WTB. I don't think I would have survived the past 7 years without the support of this group. I'm so sorry that you are still struggling with your WH and I hope that you find some peace soon.

It's done. The judge signed off today.

InPurg - how you doing after the judge signing off?

I am a VERY nostalgic person (like, I still have the shirt I wore on my 1st date with my WH [or at least I did... I may have pitched it since dday], or the tiny address book I had 40 years ago). So, I think I share a lot of the "that part of my life is over" sentiment, or the idea that I won't have enough time left on this earth to have a relationship with similar parameters - the stuff that happens when you've been with one person for 30 years kind of thing.

And, I agree with WTB. No matter what time we have left on this earth, there are TONS of ways to build a wonderful, joy-filled, happy life ... a fulfilling life (with or w/o another partner). We may be on the "back 9" of life, but we ain't at the clubhouse :)

hugs.

Thanks gmc94. I'm okay, for the most part. I'm a very sentimental person as well, but I have slowly removed a lot of reminders of my marriage from my life over the past couple of years and tried to focus on my kids and grandkids. The toughest thing at the moment is that XWH (wow, that feels weird to type) is being the nicest version of himself and it makes it even more obvious how lonely things will be at first.

I "get" that life is what you make of it, and I hope that I can enjoy what is left. I know that it has taken me several years to get past the worst of the hurt and depression associated with finding out about the A, so I know that it's unreasonable to expect that life will immediately be glorious. I'm a seriously nerdy introvert and I don't make friends quickly. I guess I just need patience.

Have you checked for local book clubs? Our town has a local club for women which offered a lot of support and late life friendship to many. They would hold all sorts of events - everything from luncheons, to bridge, to local authors reading their works or information seminars, to flower sales. I bet if you get a little creative with your Googling, you can find some opportunities to make friends with similarly nerdy and introverted people. You could have another 20+ years in you so it's never too late to expand your social network.

Thanks nekonamida. I appreciate the suggestions. I have actually been actively trying to build a friend network for the past couple of years (thanks to the support and encouragement here). There aren't many local groups that meet at times I am available or with similar interests (that aren't mostly male). I tried an online book club during the pandemic last year and it was incredibly difficult to start any conversations online (I also suffer from social anxiety, so I gave myself a pat on the back for even attending at all). It was depressing and I never went back. I started a weekly Zoom group meeting during the pandemic for some female colleagues (again, way out of my comfort zone, so I felt successful in that respect) and it lasted for over a year, but even though we are "friends", after a year of meetings (and many years of actually knowing each other) we're still not really close friends, if you know what I mean.

That's what is so hard for me. I have a number of "friends" but I don't have close friends - the kind that you can call just to chat, or drop by for a cup of tea on a rough day. It takes me a really long time to move past the casual acquaintance stage and trust enough to confide in someone. I have only had a very few of these friends in my entire life, and XWH was my primary confidante. I have struggled with depression and feelings of isolation for most of my life. I don't see how that will change, especially now.

Not trying to shoot down ideas, but I truly have been trying and not seeing any success yet.

Being at the very beginning of the process this is an immense fear of mine. I was the introvert and I let my wife run the social scheduling. I loved it. But as a result her friends became my friends (favorable to her of course) and I lost touch with many of mine as they relocated, started families, etc.

I will attempt to rekindle those friendships over time and I am still in my 30s. But my SO was something I sort of checked off my life list. It was “resolved”, I was happy with the decision and I acted accordingly.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 6:15 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

IP,

Lots of emotions swirling I am sure. I also get the nostalgia bit— I felt the same way. I was an army brat, so I don’t even have friends from childhood or high school, and then our house burned down and I lost all the mementos of our life together. (Cat and I got out, so that is what is important.). The good part is it forced me to evaluate the value of those things, and I have found my memories are enough. When my dad died and even when that cat died, my WH was the only person who knew them and could relate. (I live on the opposite coast from my family and brothers.) It totally sucked. But I survived.

I get the friend thing, too. I have some great friends but I am not able to just call them and set things up. But I’m starting to believe I could — I am just scared to. Congratulations on the Zoom group — maybe you can move it in person? I have taken to scanning the “what’s going on in your area” websites and just sending out emails to see if anyone wants to join me. My hit rate is not too high, but sometimes I get a taker. I read an article that said this and I found it helpful— making close friends takes TIME.

In a new report published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Associate Professor of Communication Studies Jeffrey Hall found that it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple “friend” status and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend

.

Keep moving forward— healing will start to accelerate once he’s out of your house.

((Hugs))