SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well it has been about 18 months and finally our separation agreement is done…signed….done. It’s done. I’m happy but I’m so very heartbroken and sad. He is still living in his new found no responsibility life, acting like a 20 year old with his OW. He didn’t fight me about the kids at all. It was all about the money. Very obvious where his priorities are. But…he still tries to play victim and continues to text the eldest 3 ( who will not see him or speak to him) asking them weekly to come for dinner. He still has the idea that they will ultimately give in and accept his actions and just be okay. My heart breaks for them.

I don’t want to be sad anymore. My brain knows that he is not the same person. I love the old him.

I definitely have more moments of not even thinking about him. I enjoy my kids, even laugh and smile again. But then it hits me. I feel bad that he is missing his children’s lives. I wonder how he could actually function without them in his life. I wonder if he misses me. I get angry at myself for being so emotional…so caring…all for this asshole who has destroyed us….without remorse, without empathy.

How does one let go…..

TIME. And resisting communication except about kids and finances.

Congratulations on taking steps toward tour new life. I know it still hurts, but it will get better.

I was in your shoe's a couple years ago OP, I know those feelings so well, it breaks my heart knowing/seeing that my X left us. all the responsibilities is all on us now, raising our children all by ourselves. hang in there TIME and a good counselor will help you overcome this obstacle.

The cheater justifies the new life with the “I deserve to be happy “ mentality.

Unfortunately the kids look at this differently. They view it as a betrayal. It may be up to you to mend the fences. Invite him to a neutral spot to see his kids. Not his house. Not your house.

See if the kids are willing. Maybe if they know it’s ok with you they may be more willing to see him.

Otherwise he has to face the consequences. Period.

I guess actions have consequences. Maybe your children realize your ex is selfish and self centered, and just realize that they don't want to waste time having people like that in their lives.

I occasionally hear chirps from him and sometimes his family about how the kids are going to have to see him at some point. Fact is, my kids are in counseling, my kids are very mature for their age and they have no interest in seeing him. I will not force it! If this person is toxic and not providing any value to their lives then why give him the time? Because he is their dad? No! Family or friend…you choose. Live with your consequences! Why should they have to deal with someone who easily walked away, is manipulative, gaslights them etc….

I’m so sick of hearing…y’a, but he is their dad.

Their dad is a selfish lying ass! Sorry…but true!

Ok done venting

I do hope « time » will heal….I’m still angry. Still sad.

Struggling again tonight. I was hoping things would be getting easier by now. He had my youngest for golf and dinner tonight…keepin up the good life….apparently my little guy made a great shot and his dad took a picture. He then sent it to my son’s phone ( which is at home and is an old phone he uses to text me at work and for games)…He then proceeded to also send him a few pics of himself , OW and my DS together. Upon getting home my son told me all about his great shot and showed me his picture. He did not show me the others although he knows I keep an eye on his phone….

Did WH send them just to upset me and potentially the other kids? Showing off his new happy life? If I could reach through the phone I would throttle them both!!!!

It is so f’in hurtful!!!!

I didn’t say anything to my son about the « extra «  pictures. I’m sure he hid them knowing it would upset me. So much responsibility to put in a 9 yr old. Clearly WH doesn’t appreciate what he is doing to him. Or..what he has done to our family.

Should I talk to my little guy about it or just pretend I didn’t even see them? I hate this!!!!!

FWIW -

when I was 8 years old - I knew/learned of my sperm donors shenanigans. Got that? *8* years old. Worse is found out later *mother* was doing same.

Depending on your 9 year olds mental and emotional situation (development) I would work to set expectations on honesty. Was he not showing because he does know what daddy is doing is uncool?

Or?

Eventually the truth will out and not having to explain purposeful omissions about any subject will be the best.

Breaking, you’ll never be able to understand the whys or hows of what your STBXH does because it’s not in your makeup as a person to be such an asshole.

His motivation behind sending those photos? Doesn’t matter, no more pondering why he does the things that he does.

Those saying "he’s still their father" need to be cut asap. It’s on him to repair those relationships. And you know you’re not hindering that, so no caring nor worrying what those people think. They’re hurting you. If they aren’t going to be supportive of you, they’ve got to go.

All your feelings are understandable and valid. Unfortunately the #1 thing that gets you to move on and let go is time. Yes I know, so frustrating! You’re already an amazing mother. Continue keeping busy, spend as much time as you can with your support system, and continue to vent here.

As a child of divorced parents I can say your kids see & hear everything and understand a lot more than you realize. You don’t have to pretend you didn’t see the pictures, that’s inauthentic to yourself, and your son’s pretty much aware you did. But there’s no reason to bring them up unless your son does. When he’s older, your son likely will have resentment with STBXH for how badly he’s treated you, while you’ve not said a single negative word against him or tried to interfere in their father/son relationship. Again, it sux because it’ll take the passage of time, but it’ll be worth the reward.

Reminder to take care of your health, mentally & physically. Eat well, exercise, and I hope you’re in IC. And these fine people on SI are here for you.

Thank you Aletheia. I am in IC as are my eldest kids.

I’m just completely baffled by this new person who claims he hasn’t changed…. It hurts so f’in much. Day to day I manage…I find myself having at least a few hours a day when I don’t think about him or what he has done or is doing….trying to enjoy my every moment with my kids. In a better place than I was but still hurting so much….