SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Guess what I came home to today? Correspondence from the court containing the final decree of dissolution. 

It is done. My marriage is officially over.

I feel...strange. "Numb" is probably the best way to describe it. I am relieved, but I can also feel a thick lump stuck in my throat. The good thing is that everything is done--the legal matters are settled; financials are all sorted out. I officially have no reason to be in contact with her ever again. As far as I am concerned, my past life with her (while still a big part of me) is in the past and that is where it belongs and where I will strive to make it stay.

I tried hard to work on the marriage, before her emotional affair bubbled to the surface. And while I know that I have my faults (and certainly, they are many), I know that my love for her was real and powerful and that is why this hurts still. I gave my heart to another person, someone I thought I could trust more than anyone and who would reciprocate that love and companionship and loyalty...and she tossed that aside. I know that I tried my best and I would have done everything for her and for our family...but she chose to throw that away. She checked out of our marriage; she threw away our vows; she failed to be honest and true to me and that is what matters.

Thanks to all of you beautiful internet strangers who have followed my story. Who have provided me support and love and care from across the planet. I never would have guessed that in my lowest moments, the most strength and love I would feel would come from people I have never met in real life. This community is wonderful and I truly don't think I'd be here without it.

As cliché as it may be, the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" have been very meaningful to me through this separation and divorce, particularly:

And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to

I know that there was nothing else I could do; and nothing else I needed to do. I made the best choices for myself, planted my feet firmly facing forward, and started down a path to a new life for me. I know that it will take time for me to heal and that I need to allow myself to mourn and to grieve...but I know that eventually, I will forget about her. There will no longer be "good times" or "bad times" just..."time". She is my ex-wife. And that is all.

Finally, from "All Too Well", again:

'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known

I know that I loved her and that I treated her so well and she threw it all away for some asshole dude who thinks it's just all fun and games to go after another man's spouse. She lied to my face, denied any wrongdoing, gaslit me and manipulated me. She refused to acknowledge my feelings. She made me feel for so long like this was all my fault. Like there was something lacking in myself and that I was the one who needed to do more and give her space and...and...and...

Fuck it all. It doesn't matter anymore. I loved her; she lost me. She lost one of the best things that was a part of her life. I would have given her a lifetime of happiness and she tossed it to the side. She did it because she is selfish and lazy and narcissistic and scared and a myriad of other things. The loss is on her - entirely on her. 

I am going to stay strong. I will keep working hard. I will pick myself up whenever I fall off this "horse that is called life" and I am going to sit up tall and keep moving forward until I can look back and see this whole shitty experience as merely a dot in the distant horizon. 

And out in front of me? I have a life, and it only goes in one direction: Forward. There is a beautifully vast landscape out there, a whole life of love and adventure awaiting me and my dog, Marley.

-CheesecakeBaker

I feel...strange. "Numb" is probably the best way to describe it. I am relieved, but I can also feel a thick lump stuck in my throat. The good thing is that everything is done--the legal matters are settled; financials are all sorted out. I officially have no reason to be in contact with her ever again. As far as I am concerned, my past life with her (while still a big part of me) is in the past and that is where it belongs and where I will strive to make it stay.

Sounds exactly like me when mine came through. I went for a nuclear option and never entertained any thought of R but sometimes (almost 20 years later) I wonder "what if?". But overall, it was a moment in time that shaped me into the person I am today.

Hold on to that, you still have a ton of life, experiences, and growth to go! Don't look in the rearview mirror, where you're going is in front of you.

And out in front of me? I have a life, and it only goes in one direction: Forward. There is a beautifully vast landscape out there, a whole life of love and adventure awaiting me and my dog, Marley.

Atta boy!!

[This message edited by Blandy at 10:37 PM, Tuesday, September 7th]

It's really a new beginning. Fresh start.

Cut off her off entirely, phones, emails and all apps you were connected with her. Update your profile to single. Erase every memory you have of her.

Move forward and don't look back. It's a whole new world out there.

Every woman I know who cheated and married their AP looked back and saw their BSs find happiness with another. So will you.

Congratulations on your new beginning!

You acted swiftly and decisively.

You have physical distance between you and your ex wife.

Hopefully you did not tell your ex wife where you moved to or whom you are working for now. The less she knows the better.

You have decided to quietly let mutual friends go. You have recognized they support her over you. As you cut them out of your life you also remove them as sources of information for her. Your wife will still attempt to keep tabs on you.

If it is feasible for you to do so change/discard all your old contact information - cell number, email address, etc. Leave your ex wife no means to reach out to you.

There was nothing else you could have done.

Congrats it's finally behind you for good. Look forward, move forward, live forward. And ghost your ex forever.

Send a pic of Marley when you can.

You're young, have a great job, and a whole lifetime to live. I wish you nothing but peace as you move forward.

It may not always feel like it but you’re lucky to have not been "trapped" into staying by one circumstance or another.

Many others here would give a limb to trade places with you.

If she were remorseful and understanding of the pain she caused that would be one thing. But she isn’t and never will probably get there.

You’ll be long on your way to a better life if she ever comes around.

You remind me of another poster (Arbuom) here whose wife had a strong EA w another man. The BH gave her ample opportunity to realize what she had been doing. But when it was clear she never would, he took decisive action and filed to get away from her infidelity.

He’s moved on but because they had kids he works hard to keep their interaction to almost nothing as possible.

Good luck with your new life.

Been following your journey from when you first posted on reddit to continuing your story in here and all I can say to you is that we all hope that you enjoy your new lease on life. Your happiness will come back and as this slowly recedes into the past and the future stretches out ahead of you, that you smile.

Frequently.

Look after yourself CCB. You deserve it.

You were a great spouse. She just didn’t appreciate it. But I can tell you she will have regrets when her affair blows up.

On to a better life for you.

oooh music! don't forget Destiny's Child' lyrics...

Now that you're out of my life I'm so much better

You thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm stronger

You thought that I'd be broke without you, but I'm richer

You thought that I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder

Thought I wouldn't grow without you, now I'm wiser

Thought that I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter

You thought that I'd be stressed without you, but I'm chillin'

(~ "survivor" Destiny's Child)

Fantastic post CCB, thank you for sharing. No doubt it was like swimming through acid, against the current, for you during all of this but you should hold your head high because you have exited a life of infidelity in such an empowering way. Reading your progress, how you handled everything etc certainly gives me courage at times, you display so much strength of character. Thank you again for your regular posts.

Very excited for you and Marley, being near friends and family. I think it's brilliant you have a solid supportive network close and your siblings want to take you out (even if you don't feel like meeting people don't shy away from offers to get out of the house.)

I've held out too long, tonight I'm having a slice of cheesecake.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:51 AM, Thursday, September 9th]

Hey CheesecakeBaker,

First of, CONGRATULATIONS to moving on from your ex! You made the right call, and you handled it all extremely well.

Second, these feelings of being unmoored are completely natural. Your life was suddenly uprooted, in a way that you did not see happening 12 months ago. It's entirely understandable if you have moments wondering when karma is going to come back on your ex. This will get better with time too though.

Onward and upward--there is a much better life for you out there than the one you left behind.

Wanted to post another short update, this time relating to how absolutely shady and shitty my ex is being, and has been:

Her parents don’t know the full story. She doesn’t even talk to them about it at all. The most she told them was that we were "having some issues" and that I was moving out and we’d be separating for a bit.

When I moved across the country I texted both my in-laws to tell them thanks for everything and say goodbye. They both were dumbstruck. They had no idea what was really going on. The last thing I told them both was "I tried really hard to work on things but [ex] wasn’t interested in staying in the marriage. Also, ask her to tell you about Mark—maybe she’ll introduce you to him sometime."

Her mom said she’s asked about Mark and my ex simply said "we’re just friends and no one cheated." Whatever.

My ex-MIL actually texted me *yesterday* to say that she wished we could work things out. I responded by saying "I received the final divorce decree from the court in the mail. The relationship is over. We aren’t going to be working things out. If you want to know more, you’ll have to ask her to tell you."

My ex is ruining her already tenuous relationships with her parents and even her two best friends. Her friends were under the impression that my ex had told the parents everything that was going on. But my ex clearly had not, which indicates she also is/was lying to her best friends about the full extent of everything too.

I don’t want anything more to do with my ex. She’s burning fucking bridges left and right.

Her mom said she’s asked about Mark and my ex simply said "we’re just friends and no one cheated." Whatever.

My ex-MIL actually texted me *yesterday* to say that she wished we could work things out. I responded by saying "I received the final divorce decree from the court in the mail. The relationship is over. We aren’t going to be working things out. If you want to know more, you’ll have to ask her to tell you."

I think I would have added This wasn't a step I made lightly without surety about your daughter's betrayal and lack of remorse. The fact that you left your dog, town, and job should be enough proof of that.

The thing that I like with you the most is that you never once bad mouthed your ex-wife. Even before the heat of the pre-D, not once did you say something bad about her. That's a sign of a good character. Even while you were asking her to cut off contact with OM, and asking things about what's going on from a co-lawyer on their firm. You are a respectful person.

Even with her parents, you never once said anything bad despite what she did to you and your marriage. I respect you for that. Although in my view, she doesn't deserve that from you.

My ex is ruining her already tenuous relationships with her parents and even her two best friends. Her friends were under the impression that my ex had told the parents everything that was going on. But my ex clearly had not, which indicates she also is/was lying to her best friends about the full extent of everything too.

Do not assume she is doing irreparable damage. Her parents will always be her parents. They will likely get over her behavior, lies and your departure. Especially if your ex wife starts having children. Expect that her friends will also overlook the lies she has told and how she betrayed you.

She’s burning fucking bridges left and right.

Won't stop your ex from still trying to cross the bridges she burnt. Doesn't mean others won't be receptive to her return. Don't put too much weight on her suffering consequences for burning bridges.

My ex-MIL actually texted me *yesterday* to say that she wished we could work things out. I responded by saying "I received the final divorce decree from the court in the mail. The relationship is over. We aren’t going to be working things out.

I hope this put a smile on your face. Torpedoing your ex wife's false narrative.

As I have recommended to you previously, consider changing your cell number and all other relevant points of contact - email, etc. I am willing to bet this will not be the last time your former in-laws or her friends attempt to reach out to you. Particularly if her involvement with Mark sours.

All the best going forward with your new life.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 10:10 PM, Thursday, September 9th]

I think your xWW has gone nuts. I do think your x-MIL and -FIL are already suspecting that she is lying about your xWW's side of the story given that there are so many details your xWW is spinning that do not make sense. Such as her downplaying it as a temporary separation when you have already moved across country.

I know it has to be hard not wanting to vent about xWW. Probably best to let the karma bus come visit your xWW on its own terms though. Eventually her parents will stay her parents, and even her friends may come back around. You are best to keep on moving forward with your own life.

The most she told them was that we were "having some issues".

I guess no one asked what those issues were.

Her mom said she’s asked about Mark and my ex simply said "we’re just friends and no one cheated."

Yes, just a friend for whom she gave up her marriage but couldn't give up on him.

Considering that she hides what happened and lies, it should not be difficult to guess that what she said was also a lie.

What will she say if she has to introduce Mark to them in the future; "Oh sorry he's my lover not my friend, I just realized"?

Anyway. Like I always say, she's not your problem anymore. I suggest that you do not get too involved in the relations between her and her family or friends. Grab a bucket of popcorn and enjoy watching from afar how she messes everything up and try to live your best life.

Not only are you doing everything so well, you're in luck too. Finding a job so quickly in another city and your new dog... Something tells me you're going to meet a great girl.

You will know when you are done when you delete her number from your phone AND change your phone number. You eliminate the ability for her to contact you and you to contact her.

Finish it. Block your x, her family and friends on everything. It’s past time you moved forward completely.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:51 AM, Wednesday, September 15th]