SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe the answer is that it just will never make sense.

I think that's the best place to leave it. You've spent enough time and energy on this asshole. I'm sorry he wasted your time.

I agree with everyone else. I think you dodged a bullet with this one.

Forget about the sex thing for now, the fact that he doesn't bring you around and treats you like some child who would get jealous of his filming... like WTF?

Just chalk it up to he's a fucken weirdo. ED or not, I think you will thank yourself later that you dodged this weird dude, and can find someone better.

In the meantime, continue IC and work through what you need.

Have you ever thought he might be Gay and is keeping that from you? The fact he won't include you in with his friends was a big clue to me. Nothing wrong with being a gay man but some like to have a woman on their arm for several reasons.

But now I wonder, why do I keep attracting manipulators. At least this time I saw the inconsistencies and questioned them. Last time I was completely blind to it all. I guess the goal is next time learning to let go sooner.

Every relationship, good and bad, teaches us something about ourselves and others. Thanks to this asshole your spidey senses are now so much more honed and that's got to be a good thing.

Best wishes for your future, healthier, relationships.

I could be wrong, but my spidey sense tells me he could be doing porn movies and needs to 'save it up'. Whatever it is, he's a freaking weirdo and you've dodged a bullet.

Speaking very directly, you have given this person way too much leeway and consideration. Everything he has told you has a high level of bullshit and manipulation in it. There are red flags all over the place, and you have given him too many passes. And he deserves none of them. He was using you and I expect he will be back wanting to talk. Do NOT re-engage with him. He is simply bad news.

He has lied and disrespected you. You should not accept this from anyone. I can see a pass or two, but this is blatant and constant.

Frankly I’d like to bop him on the nose. All the garbage excuses are unbelievable.

I sincerely hope you are done with him, you deserve a decent person, an honest one and one who doesn’t use you.

Please Talk to your IC to understand why you are put yourself second. Please put yourself first. You deserve that and more.

If it is a fear of being alone, I totally get it. I am alone and have been for a long time. But I know that is better than being with the wrong person.

Big hugs. I am glad to hear he is out of the picture.

Cerebral type narcissists value their intellectual superiority and really don't see anyone as good enough for sexual intimacy. I knew a guy like this. He'd have sex a few times with the woman early on in the R but do weird things like insist they both shower immediately prior. Then the sex would stop entirely, that "withholding" that narcissists do to hurt you and feel powerful from your hurt. So his new gf would feel crushed and lose her self-esteem as she tried to figure out what she was doing wrong.

This is copied from online:

"One of the defining traits of cerebral narcissism is a disinterest in sex. A cerebral narcissist husband might watch pornography or masturbate frequently but will have no interest in intimacy with his wife. Cerebral narcissists aren’t interested in bodily pleasure and see their sex drive as a shameful desire that should be dealt with alone."

As for what makes someone vulnerable to falling for these people? Overly accommodating people who don't realize how small they are making their own needs are like welcome mats to narcissists. I know this because I was an overly accommodating and understanding person. People can be too accommodating, too responsive, too selfless, generous, and understanding very early on in getting to know someone--and these narcissistic types recognize those signals and come in through the open door. It just takes just one tiny test move (I believe) like being late and having you bend backwards saying, "No problem!" Or they inconvenience us in some other way, and we say, "I understand! It happens." We're good listeners, empathetic and concerned when they talk about themselves. They sense how much we give without asking much in return, and then they know that their games and manipulations will be tolerated.

My theory, and it has held up the last few years as I finally live differently, is that we have to have stronger boundaries very early on with people--don't be so quick to forgive, to overlook, to tolerate. And don't let people minimize your needs. Yes, I DO want you to see my friends instead of us spending time alone. Yes, I DO like you to stick with plans we make and not cancel. Yes, I DO need you to ask about me and my life; I don't want to simply listen about your life. Yes, I DO enjoy sex and the feeling of being wanted and do not want to stay in a relationship where it is not happening.

It's ok to have standards. In fact, it's required in a healthy relationship. And we shouldn't have to convince someone that those needs matter, we should just move on. Boundaries. No explanations or apologies.

I am worried you are back in touch with him. Are you?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:15 AM, Friday, February 18th]

OMFG yet another type of loony to look out for, lol. Cerebral narcissists.

So the intellectual narcissist is another kind of asshole?

I’m so sorry. It sounds like he is a piece of work and you dodged a bullet. That maybe does not feel that way now, but hopefully in due time, it will be easier to process. They are so much better people out there.

I agree with others who have said maybe it will
Never make sense and thats ok…

I have poured over my relationship with wh and with his family thinking WHY isnt this working… even if it cant work, what is the equation here? Is it narcissistic person + codependent = us? But unfortunately some stuff just will never make sense.

I think, it doesn’t make sense because wh is not sensible. Thats the bottom line. No other answer, however much we might want one, will be given

I am sorry that you are going through this and I am sending you a hug.

I think it sounds like he got a bit nasty, and from my own experience men that storm off, get moody and try to put the blame on you are generally bad news. Controlling behaviour.

Wanting a physical relationship is very natural and normal. When you tried to discuss this in a nice way he got controlling. Men that blame or make you feel bad about yourself are not worth our time.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but there is someone better around the corner. Someone kind and considerate. Trust your gut and my advice would be to step away from this man and he doesn’t sound like a good person. Xxx

OIN I loved what you said about making our needs small. And yes I absolutely believe that narcissists will shit test early on!

We often get lost in details. I know I always have. I pick it apart way too far. I analyze every part , too many times. I look for a deeper meaning. I play detective.

What has my divorce taught me? It’s usually pretty simple. I make things complicated by wanting to make bad situations work. I’m afraid to misjudge. And loose something.

Watch their actions. Not their words.

His actions are not open or honest. He’s not sharing or trying. He acts much like a cheater. And your stressed , as if in a relationship doomed already.

Bottom line....I don’t think you planned anything like this for a happy future. He’s not a good candidate.

The detailed whys don’t matter. He fails.

If somebody wants you. Loves you. They fight for you. They try hard

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:59 AM, Wednesday, March 2nd]

Ditto on all of the above. Stick to your guns and what you know in your gut. Ignore the warmth of old familiarity over the next weeks as your mind will continue to attempt to put puzzle pieces together that will never fit. Putting aside ALL of the guesses on the why he is behaving as he is, the bottom line is he keeps secrets from you after so long. That's weird, or creepily manipulative. Him not including you in other parts of his life after this long ---- weird, or creepily manipulative. Hopefully not an issue, but I hope he has no access or information on your finances. If so, I would lock down your credit and change passwords etc.

So now you have the new info from counseling and are setting yourself up for great things in the future! The pain of that feeling of loss will slowly get better with time.

Take care.

Nope to the nope to the nope nope a nope
To the nope to the nope to the nope nope a nope,
and...
NOPE.

*EVERYONE HAS RIGHTS*
*INCLUDING THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY*
*AND YOUR RIGHTS END AT THE TIP OF MY NOSE*

If you are having a relationship with another human being in which the two of you are considering, discussing, approaching, tiptoeing up to the decision to be physically intimate,
THEN ALL FUCKING PHYSICAL PRIVACY BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU IS AND NEEDS TO BE IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR.

FUCK HIS 'NOT READY TO DISCLOSE.' FUCK THAT. AND FUCK HIM.

If he is *even* bold enough to talk to you about physical intimacy, then he'd better be damned well ready to have The Talk.
Furthermore, IMHO, he'd better be damned well ready to produce test results if that's what it takes to set your mind at ease.
And that applies to you too, IMHO.

Contrary to his apparent belief, he's not the only one with 'standards' and 'boundaries' here.

And if he's not willing to do what it takes to have a safe intimate relationship between two consensual adults who value and respect themselves and each other,
Then *irregardless* of why he is so fucking special (and I'm betting he's NOT)
He's a huge fucking soul sucking TIME WASTER.
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT BULLSHIT.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
Slap that gelding on the ass and send it down the road.