SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have the experience to answer this, but wanted to say this:

It may be better to file for Divorce and take care of yourself and heal. If there is love left, and if you are willing, and if he works his way back to you, it would not be the first time I have read of that happening here. I think better to leave and heal than to stay and wonder if you should have left. I hope this makes sense.

I am so sorry for all you are going through and have gone through. You are strong and brave and I hope you take the best care of yourself and are able to build the life you deserve.

Divorce is never easy and try as you might to be amicable about it, there is still a grief process and in order to heal, grieving the loss is important. Have you considered counseling?

I’ve never met anyone or seen a single post on SI from anyone who divorced an unfaithful spouse and regretted it.

There are, however, tons of people who sunk years of their life staying married to someone who betrayed them and either couldn’t live with it or who were betrayed yet again.

In your specific case, your husband’s affair is not something that could ever be in the rear view mirror because it resulted in a child.

Divorce still requires time and healing, but it’s much easier to do when you’ve removed yourself from the source of your pain and aren’t trying to contend with rebuilding a relationship while trying to heal.

I’ve never met anyone or seen a single post on SI from anyone who divorced an unfaithful spouse and regretted it.

There are, however, tons of people who sunk years of their life staying married to someone who betrayed them and either couldn’t live with it or who were betrayed yet again.

I am both I stayed in limbo for a good 5 years, almost destroyed me. Since leaving my life has improved in ways I never thought possible. I have also gotten a side of myself back that I haven't seen in over 30 years. Life on the other side has been refreshing, thrilling, eye-opening, nurturing and more!

If you are asking, will you manage, divorcing and raising your future little one on your own? Yes, you will. You won't be the first or the last to do so. There may be a storybook ending with a new man, or there may be a storybook ending, where you and your child have a wonderful, full life together, or some combination thereof. And you may also take your husband back - life is complicated... but know that you will be making the best decisions you can, each step of the way, for you and your child.

For me, I would say I am happier now. I am in a new relationship, and it is a place of warmth and love for me. I no longer get heart palpitations when my partner takes out his phone, like I used to. I am glad to have all that behind me.

BUT~ four years out from d-day 2, I still feel sad that my life's desire for a family of my own - my husband and two kids - didn't work out. But like so many BS's on this site, we take our lumps, and rebuild. Not easy, not what we signed up for, but I am hopeful that every brick and every scaffold we put into place will create a new and positive future.

All to say, if you are looking for reassurance, yes, you will be ok, no matter what you do. You will make a good life for yourself and your child, however you choose to do it. This is probably the worst moment for you; before you have a plan. It will get better. Take care of yourself, and let your mom take care of you. (((hugs)))

In many states, if not all, when you file for divorce, you have to state if the woman is pregnant or not. That's a factor, certainly.

He may not WANT a divorce, but what is he doing to be a better person? I don't mean lovebombing you with flowers, but concrete things like contacting an attorney for guidance on what to do about his affair partner's pregnancy. Or getting into IC and figuring out why he has done what he has done? If he's not DOING anything but talking or phoning it in (how easy is it to send flowers and such vs. working on himself), then there's your answer.

Cat

A lot of people say "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Divorcing now doesn't mean you can't remarry if you end up regretting it. But if you stay in the marriage, getting a divorce later will be more difficult.

I highly encourage you to find a counselor who specializes in trauma. It's always a good idea after the revelation of infidelity, which is soul crushing in itself, but it's an especially good idea when you have the hormonal changes that accompany pregnancy.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this and I hope you're able to make a decision that works well for you.

My WXH cheated on me back in 1982; I forgave him and we stayed married. I sacrificed a lot to stay in the marriage but really and truly believed I'd made the right decision, especially for my kids' sakes. In fact, I sort of viewed the whole thing as my greatest accomplishment in life and was sort of proud of myself, believing I had great strength of character. Then, after 34 yrs., he did it again. At that point, I was 67 yrs. old, had given up my job/career to care for his parents and to move frequently due to his many job changes. He's married to his High School girlfriend now and I'm alone, don't feel like anywhere is home (his many job changes and my Dad being in the Navy means I never lived in one house for more than 7 years) and have to live on a tight budget. I so wish I'd divorced him back then and lived my life for me. So my biggest advice is to be true to yourself and live YOUR life because if you live his instead, you'll get lost in the shuffle.

FreetoGoNow

Dday for me was 5 years ago this month.

I wanted to die, the pain was so bad.

Here I am, and my hand to God, I have never been happier.

You have to go through a very shitty process to get here. Do not try to shortcut it---a lot of people do, because the pain is so bad that you'll do almost anything to mitigate it (spend too much, drink too much, sleep around too much, get a new boyfriend, run away, whatever). Sit in the pain, go through the process, and in 5 years, you're going to be here, whole and complete and healed, with your hand out, helping someone else out of the pit.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

Thank you very much for this. I know I only want my WH back to alleviate this immediate pain. Living with him again after this would be hell. Happiness is only in one direction, away from him. And I just need to get through the process. I truly hope and a small part of me really believes, in 5 years I will be where you are.

josiep

So my biggest advice is to be true to yourself and live YOUR life because if you live his instead, you'll get lost in the shuffle.

Thank you Josie. I 100% was living my husbands life and nothing for myself. And now that he has left me I am devastated. Why would I want to go back to that? Your story has really touched me and I think finally makes me realize I need to let go of this fantasy of R for my children. Thank you.

I definitely think you have a lot to process when it comes to D. We have three children, the youngest is almost 2. We also lost a child between our two ddays. Considering them has made my decision hard, although it should make it a no brainer. Considering your current state and the fact that he has another baby with AP on the way, I cannot imagine processing all of this. I would urge IC for you. I am not on the other side and joined in to get encouragement for myself but your situation breaks my heart. This should be a happy moment to share with your WH. Their selfishness hurts us more than they know. Lots of warm thoughts your way as you navigate this road.

Reconciling after infidelity is very very hard. Even if your spouse is doing all the required work. Which is rare.

Consider being pregnant during reconciliation. It complicates things even more. also, the OW pregnancy during this time. Will they be no contact? Can they have no contact? Can you live with their continued contact?

The thing is both babies are forever. Child support will be for 18 years. The births will be near. Every birthday will be near. Every milestone. Every illness Holidays? Visitation. How do you feel about taking care of her baby at your house while it’s so tiny?

I would feel as if my baby wasn’t getting the attention it could have under other circumstances. He doesn’t even know yet. Can you feel his emotions are truth? He has lied before. These are my personal thoughts. Yours might be different.

Unfortunately , all these issues are during a very difficult reconciliation. What do you want?

The OW remained in our lives 8 months after dday. No pregnancies. My kids were teens. I was very close to a nervous breakdown. He did zero for reconciliation. He knew he didn’t have too. My choices were limited.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:47 AM, Tuesday, April 26th]