SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CW: depression, suicide

I filed another round of divorce papers this week. She's moving to New York in April. I'd like to say I'm moving on but it doesn't seem that way.

You can see my old posts for the details. I discovered two years ago that my wife had been cheating on me throughout our marriage. We went to counseling and she kept cheating, at one point telling her friends she was trying to fuck our marriage counselor. I wrote off the marriage and moved out in late 2020 but didn’t make the final break until this holiday season.

I’ve come to understand that there was a lot of emotional abuse in the marriage that I still haven’t been able to process. It was an utterly ruinous experience.

I’m not going to connect with another person again - that functionality is broken in me. There’s nothing I care about. Nothing I want to do. Anyone I’ll meet from now on will recognize me as pathetic. People can smell the stench of a loser. There’s no point in wasting people’s time.

I’m 43, and I’ve never been happy. Was shuffled into counseling at age 10 because I seemed sad and wasn’t making friends. Was put on handfuls of drugs that destroyed my dopamine system. Can’t stay focused. Have never done anything useful. Can’t keep friends because I don’t know how to be one. All my "friends" from my married years were actually my wife’s friends, and they were okay with supporting her while she bragged about ruining my life. No one gives a shit what happens to me now.

This world is for winners. God smiles when winners win and laughs when losers lose. People are cruel and brutal. You can either become a sociopath or get eaten alive.

Yes, I'm in therapy, and no, it isn't helping. SSRIs are the best they can do. I've probably always had some sort of autism or severe ADHD that's kept me from connecting with people, but there's a six-month wait to get tested. At some point, even the best therapists will just throw up their hands.

I was weak for not making the break earlier, but doing it now hasn't changed that.

Here's the gist: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/648719/reminders-for-my-soon-to-be-ex-wife/

I've probably always had some sort of autism or severe ADHD that's kept me from connecting with people, but there's a six-month wait to get tested.

Hi, from a fellow autistic person with ADHD! Both autism and ADHD can make relationship connections difficult AND they both affect your executive function--which leads to unfinished projects, overwhelm, burnout, and the feeling that you're unable to make progress in your own life. That doesn't mean you're broken, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. You don't need to be cured or fixed of your neurodivergence, rather you need the right relationships (often with other ND folks) and support to feel at home in your own life.

SSRIs and talk therapy will not "fix" your neurodivergence; talk therapy or CBT can help you find ways to cope with your neurodivergence, and some SSRIs can help with the depression/anxiety that are CAUSED by neurodivergence. (But some SSRIs can actually make ADHD in particular worse, so that might be a potential topic of research?)

There are tons of support groups for both autism and ADHD on Facebook. Are you hooked into any of those yet? Although they won't fix your problems either, it's helpful to just see what other people are dealing with and start to understand that you're not alone, there are people who are going through the same stuff as you are.

The trauma from your wife's infidelity and subsequent fallout have undoubtedly made your executive function a lot worse. On top of already being ND, that's a lot to deal with! I hope you are giving yourself grace. I discovered two years ago that my WH was cheating with prostitutes (right before the pandemic hit), and I tell ya it has been a nightmare to deal with my brain since that time. I'm getting better but I've had to really step up my self-awareness game and find a lot of new coping skills.

Stuff that works for my ND brain:
- Vigorous exercise every single day
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating mostly healthy food
- Also eating stuff I just hella love
- Talking to and spending time with the small number of people in my life who do have my back
- Having focuses other than my WH's cheating or the marriage - such as building my business and remodeling my home

I do not currently take any stimulant medication but I do take supplements that help with ADHD: Magnesium, vitamin D, and omega 3-6-9s specifically. I've tried others but didn't find the benefit, however I know other folks with ADHD who swear by maca root, gingko, ginseng, rhodea roseola, and vitamin B complex.

FutureAlgae I can relate to you so much. I also have no friends at all. I have extremely difficult in making and keeping friends. Also have tried therapy twice and it didn't help me at all. Today I saw a new therapist and I don't think it will be all the magic that people say that is.
I also don't think I can ever be in a romantic relationship again, although I do have hope I will I just don't know how I will ever be able to. I also feel like no one cares about me andy well being.
Right now I'm just trying to live one day at a time, keep myself busy and find little joys in my everyday life but it is hard, really hard.
All I can tell you is what I tell myself everyday: hang in there and keep pushing forward. Hope it gets better.

FA , I know Things seem very bleak right now. But the can and they will get better. If you’re really struggling please call the suicide hotline. This is nothing to suffer through alone -there is help available.

As much as it hurts to finally have no contact with her, that is when some real healing can start. It’s very hard to heal and the person who hurt you is still there.

Please hang in there and call that hotline.