SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi SI friends,

I have been coming back here for the past few months, reading posts and finding comfort.
I broke up with my boyfriend 5 months ago. We were together 2 years. At first I was ok. I knew I couldn't continue on long term as he had very little empathy (not apparent when we first met, however, he did forewarn me) and he had intimacy issues. Emotionally and otherwise. Lots of body shame or something.

But I miss him alot. Some things that weren't working for me: he didn't want to get married, was very content with the relationship as it was. And initially I sure didn't want to get married either. That was the best part...no pressure. I was freshly out of divorce so this worked, until it didn't. I felt like the relationship wasn't progressing. And eventually I realized that I now wanted the option of getting married.

I stopped feeling seen and heard. Because he wasn't comfortable with my feelings at times. And this made me retreat into myself. And he had a real issue with asking questions. He's an extreme introvert, and I have noticed this with other introverts in my life...they just don't naturally ask personal questions. Not sure if that's been anyone else's experience.

We decided to stay friends. And I'm back and forth about this.
A month ago we went over to mutual friends party together. It felt like we had never broken up. And I realized I was living a bit of a fantasy but it was nice. We get along so well. Some friends had no clue we had broken up and were surprised. Other friends must have found it strange that we were there together, but I didn't care. We had told them that we would remain friends. (We had to car pool as it was out of town, and easier).

So as we were driving home together, I asked him if he was happy and he said yes...(He had gone into a new relationship 2 6 weeks after I broke up with him. I was shocked because he's so introverted. And it felt like betrayal and abandonment that he started dating so soon. Our friends were shocked and disappointed with him. For me, it brought out all my stuff. It felt so similar to WXH and how quickly he moved on. I have had lots to process). I told him it was really nice to hang out and that I missed him.

And after that ride home, I went into grief. I really hadn't grieved the loss of this relationship. I have been feeling really fatigued, been sick 3 times and just was avoiding it. So now here we are. I'm feeling so much grief. I started therapy again.

He called me the other day and I had just had a shattering therapy session. I had been crying so much. And then as I drove home, he rings me. I was very surprised when his number came up. He basically wanted to chit chat and said he hasn't been good at connecting with anyone at all. And never calls people. He wanted to try to do that more. (I had heard these promises when we were dating...he would say he would try to do better, would for awhile, then couldn't sustain it). I also remembered how little he would ask me questions and his first go to was always to back away and give someone space if they were upset. Even though I had explained I only needed two things. A question of concern and a hug. I didn't think that was too much to ask, however, it was like he had to re-learn this over and over again.

I miss so many things we had though. And this is what makes it so hard.
The hours of cuddling, the deep talks, the intellectual interaction, his humour (very funny), sharing the same faith and spirituality, my family liked him! There was so much that was just so good. He was highly creative as am I. I've never met anyone like him, he was super playful like me, it felt like our inner children were having a party. He kept my interest and was quirky. Although by year 2 the resentments were building up. Especially his lack of wanting intimacy. And highly conflict adverse. (Although I am too).

When we're together, it just flows so easily. And that's why I thought we could be friends. I don't know if that's a great idea anymore. I'm going to be 60 in a year or so and sometimes I think life is short, I can be friends with an ex if I want to and there's no harm. Other times I feel so deeply about somehow still loving him and wanting him to be part of my life.

I had decided to take 6 months off to do some healing again. And next month marks the end of that. I don't have any desire to go online dating as I hate it mostly. So I do meet a large amount of men because I'm involved in some great and fun activities. However, no one has clicked yet.

Nights and mornings are the hardest. I feel lonely at times and want that male companionship. I know that I am meant to be with someone because I am whole and complete and simply want someone who is that too. So that we can share our life together. I've done a lot of work on myself and have stopped doing that. Because doing more work has nothing to do with getting a better relationship. It just doesn't work that way. I don't need to 'earn' a better relationship by doing sooo much work on me. I just would like to finally meet the love of my life. I do believe he is out there looking for me at the same time, I just feel that God's timing is hard to wait on tonight.

Anyways, I would be open to any feedback about all this. Whatever comes to mind. Thank you to all of you. I am so grateful to have had a place like this to come to and continue coming to for feedback, and to process new feelings and situations.

Maybe… you should stop looking for Mr. Right for a bit. Enjoy life as it is. Seek companionship, but not for the intention of it turning into a romance.

Just enjoy yourself.

I understand how you feel. There is someone I dated for a couple of years who was very much like you describe him to be. He's a great guy. He's smart, fun, funny, and great to spend time with. I broke up with him years ago, for the same reasons you became dissatisfied. He was emotionally unavailable. As soon as everything wasn't perfect he went into hiding.

He still reaches out to me out of nowhere, and asks if I want to go do something with him. A couple of times I did, but what I figured out was that he was still the unavailable person I broke up with in the first place. Still fun, still funny, I still love to talk to him, but he's not relationship material.

What I find interesting is that while he was walled off in our relationship, now I hear from him like clockwork when something is going wrong in his life. I'm clearly a source of comfort for him, which is ok, but each time we hang up I remind myself that he is who he is and I am who I am. I don't want to change myself to become more compatible with someone who will never be compatible with me. I still consider him a friend, but if I get tempted to go further, I remind myself what it was like in a relationship with him. And my heart goes "Oh yeah. Next!"

I’m sorry you are hurting. Breakups are hard. But it does sound like you got yourself out of a dead-end relationship, so kudos to you for that.

Might I suggest you keep working on yourself because whether you end up with anyone else or not, you will always be in a relationship with yourself. And being content and happy and fulfilled with that relationship will lend itself to better relationships with others. At the very least you will recognize sooner perhaps that your needs are not being met.

You are strong. Keep living the good life. And don’t let an arbitrary 6 month date get in your way. Date or not based on how you feel, not based on a date on the calendar.

I hope you feel better, GraceLove.

Grace, this sounds so very, very familiar to me. You are still, months post-break-up, dealing with the idiosyncracies of trying to relate to someone whom you said was disgnosed with ASD. Of course, you would like to think he can still be in your life, yet I'm sure you know his "distance" issues are pretty much the norm for someone with that diagnosis. It really sucks because so often, there are so many great qualities you can see. I can relate.

But long and the short of it is: you will never be satisfied with such a person as more than a casual friend. And it isn't something you are doing, please know. Look elsewhere and save yourself the heartache that I live with every day: "if ONLY he could or would (fill in the blank) we could be so great together."

Charity411: I've read your reply over a few times and have found it comforting and re-affirmed my 'why'. Even though it's not easy, I have to keep reminding myself, and others do too, that there are many things he wasn't providing. And top of the list was the emotional support. One day while out for brekkie, one of my dearest friends called and told me she had cancer. HIs reaction was awful. It was almost like I had to 're-train' him on what I would need in that moment. No questions at all. Just 'let's pray' and then went on as if nothing happened. I said I need to get some air. While outside, he didn't come to see if I was ok. Later I asked...why was it you didn't come outside? 'Because who would look after your purse and phone?" Then when we got in the car, he proceeded to get upset with me. He wasn't a narc for sure. I believe he's on the spectrum. His ex had told him often that he made everything about him. I can see this. He does. He thinks he's just relating to someone, and resonating with them by telling his story. Nope.

So yes, very emotionally unavailable.

And the hiding you spoke of..that is it exactly. If I got upset or wanted to discuss anything, he saw it as conflict and would flea. I mean literally leave the room and out the door. No capacity to hold space much either.

Still fun, still funny, I still love to talk to him, but he's not relationship material.

Yes, I get that. Same with him. When I do interact with him I remember why I broke up with him. I have to keep that in mind because of course we all have different parts to us. And he was so delightful in so many ways.

I don't want to change myself to become more compatible with someone who will never be compatible with me. . I was starting to do some of that a bit. Tiny bit. I've become really good at no more codependency and we had been really upfront about not changing each other. So that part was good. And yet, I still had some of that creep in. And this is very true ...how can we possibly change ourselves to become more compatible with someone? It's not a sustainable thing.

As much as I really did a lot of healing with him, I am now doing the repair of the tear. It's hard. Not enjoying this part. Especially because he is so not deep with feelings that he just moved on. That hurts the most. I believe he is very sensitive, but he also just moves on. And almost forgets the past quite quickly.

BearlyBreathing thank you. Yes I did get myself out of a dead end relationship.

Might I suggest you keep working on yourself because whether you end up with anyone else or not, you will always be in a relationship with yourself. And being content and happy and fulfilled with that relationship will lend itself to better relationships with others. At the very least you will recognize sooner perhaps that your needs are not being met.

The thing is I'm soooo not planning on working on myself anymore. Since 2016 I've done more therapy, gone to more groups done more than anyone I know to 'heal'. I'm not going to work on myself. I'm going to integrate everything that I've learned, and be gentle with myself now. I learned much from this site and all the therapy and yes, I agree about always being in relationship with myself. I am content and happy/fulfilled, more than I ever thought possible. I get all that. And I'm also learning to hold 2 opposing things in the same hand. Yes, I love myself and know how to be single and yes I desire a beautiful relationship again. And as for recognizing things sooner. I actually knew very early on what I didn't like much. And I made a very intentional choice to continue. We would have weekly renewals which was quite lovely. It was very freeing and conscious. In fact I knew the expiration date would be at about the 2 year mark...I felt it about 5 months or so before I broke up with him. I had a very conscious relationship with him. I had never had that...every in my life. It was kind of experimental. Even the break up was very conscious. I'm proud of myself for having been able to choose this time. I stayed until the things that seemed definitely not long term sustainable over rode the good stuff.

Date or not based on how you feel, not based on a date on the calendar.
Thank you...yes! This is so true. I'm just starting to get into contact about why I put these time limits on healing. It makes no sense. I think it's left over from D day. I wanted to put a formula to get out of the pain...like, it will take me x amount of time to feel better. I really appreciate your words, they are helping me process the sadness...

Superesse I may just need to print this response and post it on my fridge...

I would love to hear more of your story. I think you may have responded to one of my posts before but I don't know how to get back there...kind of forget but I'll try to work it out.

I thought he was...he isn't officially diagnosed. Just seems to have ALOT of the symptoms.

Of course, you would like to think he can still be in your life, yet I'm sure you know his "distance" issues are pretty much the norm for someone with that diagnosis.

Sigh. It is confusing. Because at times he can be very connected. And then not. Yes, I do have wishful thinking. I tend to do that...def not as much as before, but I still can live in a bit of a fantasy about things being ideal. I'm too much of an idealist, really.

Grace, this sounds so very, very familiar to me. You are still, months post-break-up, dealing with the idiosyncracies of trying to relate to someone whom you said was disgnosed with ASD. It really sucks because so often, there are so many great qualities you can see. I can relate.

And it isn't something you are doing, please know. Look elsewhere and save yourself the heartache that I live with every day: "if ONLY he could or would (fill in the blank) we could be so great together."
THank you for that. I needed the reminder that it's not me. I really have to re-read this every time I get ideal about what could have been. Yes, I'm so sorry that you live with that heartache. I felt that during the 2 years and I'm sure you've been at it much longer than I was.

I agree with you that nights are the loneliest. It sounds like you two had a pretty good relationship. Even though there were parts you didn't like, overall it sounds like you were pretty happy. I think it's important for us to be happy with ourselves alone before we get into a relationship with someone else. I'm not sure he was happy with himself alone. Hopefully the days will begin to smile on you soon and you will feel more joy with yourself. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

cbgrace1980
Yes, we did have a pretty good relationship. I am happy with myself, and have had lots of time to know that i'm ok either way. It's just that I've gotten to know myself soooo well, that I do know I prefer to be in a relationship that also honours my extraverted introversion and need to process things on my own at times.He actually LOVED his time alone. Highly introverted. It took alot of energy for him to be with me as I was very high energy for him.

I do have happy times on my own...and not. The ebb and flow of life I suppose.