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Family issues...my brother and sister grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home. Despite this, we have managed to live relatively "normal" lives, great kids, financially stable, etc. We are close. But we don't share everything, I'm the oldest, I tend to not share my problems while being called upon by my siblings for support. Don't get me wrong, I get support from them at times, but I do often feel like I'm expected to be stronger than everyone else. It's okay, I get support elsewhere.

My sister and her husband are going to Hawaii for a special anniversary. I am so happy for her, I've been there several times and I know she'll love it. I contacted her husband to let him know I wanted to treat her to a lei greeting and so needed to know their flight details. My intention was to have both of them greeted at the airport, but I didn't spell that out because I wanted to maintain a little bit of a surprise. He wrote back a RUDE text, saying that he would do that for them if he wanted and I needed to mind my own business and stop interfering.

I'm pissed. I don't interfere. I keep my mouth shut about things that I see in him that are disturbing. I bend over backwards to make special meals for him as he's on a restrictive diet, drove him to the hospital when he was having surgery, etc. We have diametrically opposed political opinions, I have never challenged him and avoid the discussions. I and another sister single handedly put together a wedding for them years ago. I would NEVER say anything to my sister about all this, he's her husband and she will never hear anything negative about him from me.

I simply wanted to do something nice for my dear sister and her husband. If he had said "thanks, but I'd like to do that for my wife" that would have been fine with me, although I may have chosen instead to send flowers to their room.

I don't get it. Except one clue. Years ago, I referred to my sister as [first name, maiden name, married name] He was incensed, her name wasn't [maiden name]. I said she's always be a [maiden name] and he assured me that she stopped being that when she married him. I dropped it, assuming he's that insecure or old fashioned or something.

I'm trying to maintain my composure and leaning towards praying for him in his obviously paranoid and maybe jealous state of mind, but man, I'm pissed.

That was extremely rude and selfish of him. He sounds like a controlling insecure person.

That was a very thoughtful and lovely gesture on your part. I would have been touched if anyone in my or my husbands family had wanted to do something so thoughtful.

What a fucknut. Sorry your sister has to live with someone that is that giant of an douchecanoe.

It screams of insecurity. Whatever you know you were being kind.
Maybe call the hotel they are staying and arrange for a massage on the beach for her one afternoon.

He would absolutely shit a green monkey if she did what my daughter and her future spouse are doing, they made up a completely new last name, that is actually a combo of their cat and dogs names. LOL.

People like that can't be changed, and dealing with them only makes yourself as miserable as they are.

"....if she did what my daughter and her future spouse are doing, they made up a completely new last name, that is actually a combo of their cat and dogs names. LOL."

I needed a good laugh.

I don't have a dog or cat currently but could use a new last name...

Seriously though I am so sorry about how you were treated when all you wanted to do was something really nice. I can imagine it was hurtful and I am so sorry you experienced that.

Wow. What an ass. Sorry your sister is in that relationship.

Also , shit a green monkey 😂😂😂

Thanks for the affirmations. To be honest, I don't like the guy. He always has to be the center of attention and thinks he's the best comedian out there. My sister thinks he's a hoot. I NEVER expressed that to anyone and go out of my way to cook for him, to buy thoughtful gifts, to praise him for things he does well. He's also full of compliments, but they never are sincere.

He's not going to succeed in separating we siblings no matter how hard he tries. And my sister will never hear about this from me.

What a nice idea you had!

Your sisters husband Sounds like he is a total dick. If he wants to be a dick, just treat your sister. And I think he can bring his own food or starve.

Was your communication all through some sort of texting? I'm going to present a different perspective since I have plenty of relatives whom I don't always see eye to eye with but do my best to get along with them, especially if they are married to a sibling who adores them (when I don't).

I believe the texting is 2/3s of modern misunderstandings. If you had a conversation either in person, or over the phone, telling her husband your idea, he may have still not liked the idea, but I highly suspect the whole thing would have ended on a more friendly note.

Thanks for your perspective. I don't disagree. But this guy literally won't answer his phone for anyone except his immediate family or work. He wakes at 4am, walks several miles, goes to work at 7, home by 6, in bed by 8.
And before you fly off the handle at a text, don't you find out what the person meant? Idk smh.

There just are no words for this kind of WTF. A very kind gesture that would have been and he should have thanked you for geeeze.

Yes, he was completely rude and out of line in his response.

That said, I can understand him not wanting you to do the leis thing for them at the end of their romantic getaway. It's their time & not really for anyone else to interfere with. Even sending flowers to their room while they're on vacation seems a bit much. Just let them have their trip and don't get involved. Again, this does not excuse his extreme rudeness, but you also need to look at yourself and how you've tried to slightly insert yourself into their trip, which is just slightly overbearing. You meant it out of love, but really, a couple go on a romantic trip to Hawaii to be alone.

Also, it was a bit of a boundary crossing for you to insist to him that your sister will always keep her original surname. Has she actually said that to you, or did you just assume it? I'm guessing the latter, since her husband vehemently disagrees.

I'm wondering, is this a pattern with you, of being so involved in your sister's marriage? Maybe the leis thing was the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

And maybe it wasn't & he's just a total jerk, but we're only getting one side of the story, and as I said some yellow flags popped up as I was reading your post.

We'll, thanks for your pov. I don't think it's valid, frankly, but I will think about it.
The lei greeting is no longer done automatically. My sister and I have talked about that being a shame, it's such a lovely custom. It's their 35th anniversary and her 65th birthday. We are very close, having survived childhood trauma. Celebrating each other's anniversary is what we do.
He HATES to travel, is really just going for her. That's admirable. That said, I was intimately involved with the planning, he was not.
I didn't suggest that she keep her family name, I just suggested that she's still herself.
In any case, TALK to me, right? Don't just berate me (addressed to bil, obviously)
I AM the oldest, tasked with taking care of my siblings by my crazy mother. But I know the boundaries.
Btw, she left him a few years ago. I don't know the details, I suspect there was at least emotional infidelity. I supported her, of course, but also him. I gave general advice about communication, working on a marriage, etc., when I was asked for it. I know how to stay in my lane.