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I woke up this morning feeling somewhat positive about the future. I imagined me and my dogs living in our own home, and it felt good. I hope this feeling lasts for a while. I can do the 180, but for real.

I texted with him briefly last night and it turns out he didn’t take her to a movie. He bought presale tickets to a movie that’s coming out in the future. That makes sense; so did I. We always buy presale tickets. It makes me sad that we’re not going to be going to this movie together like we always do, but it’s somewhat of a relief to know that the charge in the bank account was not with her.

*Edited to add stuff

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 2:15 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

Hang in there. As was said you are not a fool. Happy Easter. Sometimes being around family can help more than it hurts. It takes your mind if things.

I can relate to you. I got the "taking steps to distance myself from AP". I got the "I never meant to hurt you" line. It’s all about them.

Glad you are feeling a little better. And please keep trying to NOT text him. It is SOOOO hard and it took me many tries to get there but it really does help. NC = no new hurts.

You are doing well— just keep putting you first.

I can relate to you. I got the "taking steps to distance myself from AP". I got the "I never meant to hurt you" line. It’s all about them.

I take it they did not leave the AP? He talks so much; so many empty words. It’s amazing how good he is at it.

Glad you are feeling a little better. And please keep trying to NOT text him. It is SOOOO hard and it took me many tries to get there but it really does help. NC = no new hurts.

Thank you for this. I’m glad to hear that NC isn’t always successful right away for others as well. Earlier this week I promised one more MC session, and if he was still in touch with AP, I would be filing for divorce. That is tomorrow. I would like to go NC after that, but we have a lot of work to do on the house if we end up selling it. How do I manage that?

Edit: I should mention that our relationship is not volatile and we can talk and be around each other without getting angry. I just need to learn not to ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 7:12 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

Earlier this week I promised one more MC session, and if he was still in touch with AP, I would be filing for divorce.

Uh, hasn’t he been with her just recently? Seems like he’s more than ‘in touch’ with her at this point.

I would like to go NC after that, but we have a lot of work to do on the house if we end up selling it. How do I manage that?

Limit discussion to only that, nothing else. Easier said than done, I know. I don’t doubt you can converse without any conflict, but you don’t want to hear any information that can set you back emotionally. Keep it strictly business

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:33 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

Uh, hasn’t he been with her just recently? Seems like he’s more than ‘in touch’ with her at this point.

I apologize, I misspoke. I told him if he didn’t end it with AP by tomorrow, I would be filing for D. We will see what happens with the MC. It’s going to be so hard to deal with house stuff with him if we’re going through a divorce. I don’t look forward to that. I don’t see any other option though, if he doesn’t drop AP.

Stay strong Lost!

If he won’t drop the AP then what would your future look like? At least he has agreed to MC sessions. When my WW agreed to MC she only did it out of obligation and did not even attempt to participate. Then she came back with an "I told you counseling wouldn’t work!" Attitude. If that’s what your sessions look like then I can understand why you would choose to file.

I hope something productive comes from the session. Keep us posted.

Thanks Flaco! WH is the one who scheduled the MC sessions and he is present and participates in the sessions. He seems to hear the MC…except the part about ending it with AP. So who tf knows what he’s doing.

I hope something productive comes from the session.

Me too Flaco, me too.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 2:43 PM, Monday, April 18th]

Pardon my doubts, but are you sure he’s not just doing MC with the excuse of "having tried to do everything but it just didn’t work out"? Bc I strongly doubt anything meaningful will stick in his head if AP is there to twist things around. It’s just too counterproductive.

I wish you luck with the MC session, but just be cautious.

Forks, you’re right. He’s such a good manipulator that he could be doing exactly that. WH is an idiot, and I’m pretty pissed off today, which is a great frame of mind for this. He stopped by to pick up some clothes last night, and he just acted like the world revolves around him. It was very unattractive. He "cares about AP’s well being," I started to see him for what he really is: an immature, entitled a-hole who cheats on his wife and doesn’t give a f*** about anybody else.

Good for you starting to see w/o the effing rose colored glasses.
It’s HARD to do that. And we may falter, and that’s ok

makes me sad that we’re not going to be going to this movie together like we always do

yes that is also hard. My suggestion is to start making plans now. Plans that do not include him. This can be a time to reopen old friendships and start new ones. Covid has made this harder, but I’m beginning to see ways it can be done. A friend is taking photography classes at her local community college. I want to start going to a local sewing club. Not necessarily to meet new folks, but to get out of the house doing something different and that does not include WH.

So find a friend to go see that presale movie with, and make a plan. It really helped me, and eventually I started to see it as an opportunity rather than a burden.

Hugs.

Thanks GMC - Your username reminds me of him because he drives a GMC, and I have fond memories of riding in it with him.

So find a friend to go see that presale movie with, and make a plan. It really helped me, and eventually I started to see it as an opportunity rather than a burden.

I’m going with my mom!

I’m trying to think of things to do, but my friends are busy on the weekends, and I don’t want to be "poor sad LostandBroken." Maybe that’s my shattered self-esteem talking.

I’m also an introvert and it’s hard for me to make friends. I could start looking at some educational opportunities or community classes.

I want to start going to a local sewing club.

I swear I read "swing club" and my mind went there.

Remember
He is a liar
He is a cheat
He did it because he wanted to
He is not remorseful
He keeps in contact with AP

You did nothing to deserve it
It is not your fault
You are strong, you can survive this

Keep up the IC
Stop texting him

Well, I now have my lawyer on retainer. I need to wait for her to do whatever she has to do and then she will contact me for next steps.

You did nothing to deserve it
It is not your fault
You are strong, you can survive this

Thank you thank you. I needed this!

I have gone NC with WH. I deleted Snapchat, blocked his number, and blocked FB messenger. It was really hard to do. I blocked and unblocked and blocked. If it sends him into the arms of AP, I guess I made the right decision. If only I could convince my heart of that.

For the first time in 13 years, he has no way to reach me. This is scary, but also feels kind of good, and also makes me really sad. Please send thoughts of patience and serenity.

I know this is what I have to do to take control of my life and stop dealing with his s*it. It’s an end to the lies and bulls*it. He can’t hurt me right now. I think I’m a bit codependent, so it’s hard not knowing what he’s doing or if he’s talking to AP. I need strength.

Just breathe…

Hang in there!

I know what you mean about the codependency. It’s also hard not to second guess or doubt yourself. If he won’t end it with the AP then what is his plan?

That one still burns. The WS justifies the AP. What the helllll?

I know the feeling. When my WH was here last night seeing time with the kids, he was texting OW the whole time. He still claims its nothing. Just a friend. But I have already told him we are divorcing and we told our daughter. You are not a fool. It is so hard to have someone who is our best friend, become a stranger overnight. Its hard when these rituals (like movies) come around and you realize your plus 1 is no longer there.
I would urge you to follow your gut. You WH sounds a lot like mine in that he seems to be able to say the right things. He's good at manipulation. I went through MC and acquired a ton of debit just to end up right back here not quite 4 yrs later. I didnt prioritize myself during the first R. I should have, but I was so worried about him picking me that I didnt care about anything else. Stay strong. I know its hard, but take care of yourself. After 13 years (my and WH have 14 years so I get it), I dont think its really codependency, its a marriage, a partnership. Everything in your life is intertwined, as it should be for the most part. Untangling all that is hard. Im working on my untangling as we speak.
Thoughts of patience and serenity your way {{HUGS}}

Thank you, Elle2.

It is so hard to have someone who is our best friend, become a stranger overnight.

This is the hardest part. I’m losing my best friend; the person I thought I would be with forever. He’s someone I don’t recognize, and it is so hard to come to terms with that.

There’s a Flora Cash song called "Somebody Else" that describes that:

"Well you look like yourself

But you're somebody else

Only it ain't on the surface

Well you talk like yourself

No, I hear someone else though

Now you're making me nervous"

I never thought that song would apply to me.

Its hard when these rituals (like movies) come around and you realize your plus 1 is no longer there.

This is devastating. For years we have gone to a certain movies on opening night together. We would buy tickets months ahead of time and it would be so exciting. It’s so hard to think that won’t happen again.

After 13 years (my and WH have 14 years so I get it), I dont think its really codependency, its a marriage, a partnership. Everything in your life is intertwined, as it should be for the most part. Untangling all that is hard. Im working on my untangling as we speak.

That’s true. At a certain point, you naturally become dependent on each other, and it can’t just be switched off. I don’t know how we are going to separate our lives. It is going to be really hard to untangle this life we’ve built, and I cry just thinking about it.

Good luck with your untangling process. You will get through it, just as I will, even if it doesn’t seem that way today. Hugs to you.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 3:38 PM, Tuesday, April 19th]

Hi LostandBroken- I can relate to so much of what you are writing. The false R, the wanting them back, the whole getting along and not being volatile. Honestly that confused me so much. I thought a marriage ended when there was toxic fighting and yelling and throwing things. Not getting along just fine...

I am only 2 weeks "ahead" of you but I know now there is 0 chance of my husband coming back to the kids and me. I would LOVE to go completely NC but we have kids together. And a home together. And a life together........ this is so painful- what you wrote about feeling so unimportant to your husband... that's exactly how I feel. I really thought, 3 months ago, we would be together forever. Forever! I really thought I was the most important woman is his life. I was wrong. I had no idea.

You are not alone, I hope we can both be strong. I'm so sad now that the last bits of "hopium" are gone. I am definitely depressed. But I know this is a necessary step before acceptance and happiness in a new life.

Thank you robinbird. I’m so sorry that you are going through this too.

I really thought, 3 months ago, we would be together forever. Forever! I really thought I was the most important woman is his life. I was wrong. I had no idea.

I know exactly how you feel. At Christmas, life was normal, and I was (and felt like) the most important woman in his life. Now I’m filing for divorce. I never ever ever thought this would happen. Now he’s a completely different person.

I realized the day after I went completely NC that it wasn’t practical yet, as he still technically lives in our house (he’s staying with a family member) and his mail comes here. I don’t want him showing up unannounced. So I unblocked him about 30 hours ago, he said "thank you," and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not going to lie; I keep waiting and hoping for his name to pop up on my phone…but I have resisted the urge to text him. I feel okay today (knock on wood); I think not talking to him is good for my mental heath. I still have hopium, but I also am realizing that I’m okay on my own. I’m reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing," and it talks about idolizing our partners and elevating their status as a way to justify why we’re so devastated. The last line spoke to me: "In fact, you would be feeling this way even if your ex were very ordinary or below average." So, maybe they aren’t as great as we think. Our brain is tricking us.