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WW not being familiar with my oldest's new job (since they don't talk) texted him that she'd come up to Massachusetts to make him Thanksgving dinner. He told her he would be here with us. That got to her. It's only going to get worse at Christmas, as she won't see either of them then as well. The consequences are rapidly piling up. She ripped apart so much in the whole family that can just never really be fixed.

It never ceases to amaze me how they think they can cheat, blow up an entire life & family and just expect that everyone will be OK with it. AND think they will come out smelling like a rose in the end.

At one point and before my husband and I reconcilled, he was mystified when I told him "If we divorce, you will be dead to me and and I will never see or talk to you ever again". (We don't have kids so there would have been no reason to stay in touch) He completely did not understand that and thought we would still be friends and be in each others life after HE shit on what we had. What a moron. He did pulled his head out and we stayed together, but it just goes to show you how ridiculous their thought patterns are.

Good for you Trout for sticking to your guns and spending your energy on your son's and your family. It will get better. Your WW is really going to feel the sting during the holidays,,,,that is,,,,if she still has a heart.

Yes it is "mind blowing" that the cheaters think the BS still wants to or will be their friend.

Total selfish delusional behavior on the part of the cheater.

I am always reminded of the story that I once heard about a serial cheating husband. The story goes that the husband was a serial cheater for many years during the marriage. The wife finally got fed up and had her own revenge affair. The wife, however, felt so guilty about the affair that she admitted it to the husband.

That husband immediately divorced the wife. His reasoning was that he was not going to be married to a cheater.

I think it stands out b:c of the hypocrisy of it all.

Thank you everyone.

I really do appreciate all the positive thoughts. Amazing how kind people you don't even know can be.

Troutman. We have all been in your shoes. We understand what you are going through, having been down that road.

You will survive this. We all do.

It’s just hard to make sense of all of it so please do not even try. There is no logic to a cheater’s behavior or mindset. I almost drove myself bananas trying to make "sense" of it all.

In the end what matters is that you get out of the marriage with your sense of humor and sanity intact.

You will not only survive, you will survive well. I know it is dark right now but in a year or two you sill be fine.

Time is the number one healer. In the mean time, set goals and go hard.

Hi, Troutman, just checking in.

Hope your Thanksgiving plans are working out well and you enjoy time with your family.

Even though I'm still with my WH, that first year of holidays were pure torture. The only thing that kept me going was trying to keep things normal for our three sons, one was in college at the time, one in high school and one in middle school. Every Christmas I baked and baked and baked cookies for family and friends, couldn't do it that year. My children did have a tree and their stockings hung and lots of presents under the tree. Didn't decorate inside much, I don't think they even noticed!

You will get through the holidays, maybe a bit bruised, but intact just like the rest of us did.

annb
Thanks.

Plans are proceeding for Thanksgiving nicely. Really looking forward to it.

I started EMDR therapy on Friday. The therapist took my trauma history, and there are really only two major ones that stand out, my Mother dying of cancer at age 48 when I was 16, and of course THIS. We worked on my Mom's death and illness thsi week, pulling out the emotions and memories of that. I did feel better afterwards. She wants to continue with that aspect next week before moving on to the affair. I'm encouraged.

Troutman, EMDR helped me. My mom passed away when I was 2.5 and I lived with an angry alcoholic abusive dad (not towards me but towards my step mom and brothers ) until I got married. I knew I carried a great deal of baggage from all those hurts, but whew! The trauma of infidelity was the sucker punch that pushed me deep into a rabbit hole that took years to dig out of.

Good luck with the therapy, generally after just a couple of sessions you will start feeling better or at least become more self-aware, based on my personal experience. Lots of members in this community were helped with EMDR.

[This message edited by annb at 1:07 PM, Sunday, November 13th]

Troutman,

Wishing you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving and your WW chokes on a Turkey Leg!

Troutman, I know you had a plan to navigate the holiday. Checking in to see if you and yours are ok and ready to face the next new first holiday as a reconfigured family.

Thanks for the Thanskgiving thoughts.

So both of my sons, both of my sisters and my one nephew were here. The food came off perfectly, and I even impressed myself with my ability to organize it all for the first time alone. It was the best turkey I ever made. It was really nice to have them all around me. I did have a real bad "moment" that afternoon, but got through it.

As planned, we put up the Christmas tree a bit early last evening before everyone departed today which was nice. Some new traditions. Still gonna be a long slog through the holidays but I am cheered by the fact that I will again have my sons for Christmas and they will not see their mother at all.

One day at a time...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 11:07 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

Hi, Troutman, glad Thanksgiving went well!

Those sad moments sometimes hit without warning, but fortunately they get better with time, lots of it.

Hope your Christmas is full of new happy memories and traditions.

Thanks for the update.

Troutman congrats on your turkey. Find some fun for yourself in the coming weeks and try something new. I'm going to try snowboarding because why not?

The best for your Christmas celebrations Troutman. (Christmas is tomorrow on this side of the world....).☺

The best for your Christmas celebrations Troutman. (Christmas is tomorrow on this side of the world....).☺

Belated thanks paboy.

I haven't been on here in awhile and I guess an update is due. I am about two weeks away from finality on the divorce. I have now been through four sessions of EMDR. We started with the trauma of the loss of my mother when I was a teen and moved on from there. I don't know how it works but I am doing AMAZING. I have gone from thinking about WW 90% of the day a few months ago to her crossing my mind about 10% of the time. My demeanor is really good and everyone notices it.I was sleeping better overall, back slid a little with Christmas this week but I think I'll snap right back.

I also made a (female) friend on Reddit a few months ago who is also in the middle of betrayal trauma and we've talked a lot on Face Time and the phone. I think it has done us both a world of good, and we actually mostly don't talk about our betrayal experiences any more, but just general life. It's quite a fascinating difference talking to someone so openly, further exposing the emotional walls WW had thrown up in our marriage. We are just enjoying each other's company and live thousands of miles apart, so this is all it will come to.It feels good to talk to a woman who "gets" it. I've made a friend.

Both of my boys spent Christmas with me and we had a great time. We had a nice dinner Christmas eve with their grandparents, and we did Chinese on Christmas. New traditions! WW texted the younger asking to see him while he was in town. He declined citing no time, even tough he was here for four days, so things are still not very good with them. He told me she plans to head up to Boston to see him later this week. He's not looking forward to it at all and it is going to be incredibly awkward as she hasn't seen him at all since June and they had the one ugly phone call in September. He said he's not backing off his stance at all.The damge between my sons and her is likely never truly going to be fixed. It's very sad and she did that all herself.

Funny note in terms of WW. Her brother told my son that she said "APs children hate my guts and won't be in the same room with me". Sounds like that stems from her being with his family at Thanksgiving.It looks like things aren't all sunshine and rainbows after all. You know, I don't really even care either way really. So that's good.

I likely won't visit here a whole lot going forward, because I'm trying to not make the infidelity the center of my life anymore. I'll pop in though with updates now and then. I can't thank everyone on this forum enough for their amazing advice and kind words of support. It's been unreal what strangers on the internet can do, and it restores faith in humanity. Thank you all! You all said I would get thourgh this and in my darkest hours (roughly August-September) I never thought that was possible, but here I am. I'm not out of the tunnel, and I'll carry these scars forver but I'm not going to let it or her define me. I have a lot of live to live and whether that is contendedly on my own or someday with another person I'll be OK. I repeated alot to myself: "I deserve better". I do and I'm going to find it.

That’s a great, positive update! Thank you for sharing. You are taking positive steps for you to heal. The EMDR, sharing with a friend, focusing on you. All great for your healing. The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference, and you are steadily moving there. Keep it up. I think everyone here agrees: you do deserve better.

Great update Troutman. All the best for this upcoming year. God bless.

Funny note in terms of WW. Her brother told my son that she said "APs children hate my guts and won't be in the same room with me

Another indication that WW is the reason for the POS divorce. Time is a great healer. Good luck with your progress

She blew up your and your sons world just 6 months ago and now that her true self is out for all to see, no one wants it! I bet the POSAP is getting sick of her by now.

I've been amazed at the strength you've shown, you're setting a fine example for all that Love You!