SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well here's my tragic story...

Me- BS (M57), WW (54) we have been married for a few months shy of 30 years. Whirlwind romance, and married about 1.5 years after we met. We have two adult male children, ages 27 and 24 who are on their own and doing quite well for themselves. I'd say we've had a pretty steady uneventful marriage. We have always gotten along great, rarely argue about anything important. We share a few solidly connected hobbies, such as playing golf together, but have also always willingly given time to the other for their pursuits. Importantly our values, religion, views of the world and thoughts on child rearing lined up really well, and the result was two amazing children that never let us down. She was an amazing mother to them and quite selfless at the time, which makes the selfishness of the betrayal all the more difficult to accept. As with many other couples at this point in a marriage, our intimacy had dropped a fair amount in last several years. I'm pretty quiet, and never pushed her when I got the sense she wasn't feeling it. All that said, our day to day life was pretty great, with more than a few people saying over the last few weeks how could this possibly happen to them.

On June 17, she said "We need to talk". It was pretty short: "I've been unhappy for awhile (NEVER once said so), and I want a divorce" She next moved into "ILYBNILWY" (where do they get that crap!)and I then asked the relevant question if there was someone else. She said yes. It has been going on for over 18 months. Some of it she clearly covered by saying she was going our with friends, which really wasn't that often, but I travel extensively for work and am gone 2-3 nights a week, every week. That's a huge window of opportunity.

My early attempts the first few days didn't go well (I was still in shock and a bit too emotional) and she stated "I've already moved on". She moved her stuff out within the week and is living with him.

Maybe there were warning signs, and I chose to ignore them a bit over the last six months or so. I'd call from the road and she always seemed a bit distracted. I'd wrap up conversations with "I love you" and a few times got back as little as an OK. Now...the woman is a hopeless non-romantic and doesn't even like Valentine's day so I brushed that off. She clearly had an amazing ability to compartmentalize her two lives. She even was clever enough not to use our Toll Pass going back in forth across the river to another state where he lives to avoid a trail.

Needless to say I'm totally shattered. I don't sleep, I've dropped 11 pounds, my BP and heart rate are way up and I'm now on medications. I did mention this to her the other day when I had to drop something off at her work, and there was only mild sympathy. I've known it for a long time, but the woman lacks empathy. I see it in the dynamic with her family, through this and other general interactions with others where that would be appropriate.

Speaking of her family, they've been very good to me over the years. Her parents love me like a son and squarely have my back. They have not spoken to her and have no plans to yet. They are headed for therapy themselves this week, and I worry about their health as they are both 80. Other than my kids, I have no local family.

Speaking of my kids, they have been absolute rocks for me throughout this and I am so proud. My oldest in particular is going to take a long time to come around. My youngest had a sit down with her, which got nowhere about two weeks ago and he didn't hold back. His finally line: "you always taught us to take the moral high ground, and now I see you as the biggest hypocrite ever". Ouch...Apparently that drew hysterical crying. Good!

There is NO path forward from my perspective. There have been few "I'm so sorry, but actions speak louder than words. The level of deceit and lies of omission and commission to be able to pull this off for so long is frankly unbelievable. She's living with him, so that seals it in my book. A week or so ago I had expressed that she could come back to our house and just live here in another room temporarily if things went badly; I've since wisely reversed course on that. This goes to even though she asked for the divorce, she hasn't filed saying she'd like me to stay there for a year so our kids have a fall back place if needed. That's crap, she's protecting her fall back position. She also hasn't changed her address, or moved out all of her stuff. I will be filing myself instead.

We have been super amicable on property division, agreeing on everything except my 401K, which is about eight times the size of hers. I'm working on that, and in her "fog" and some level of remorse I think I can make out better than straight 50/50.

My goal now is to get myself right, improve my health and demeanor. I told her going forward we will do everything by e-mail.

Thanks for listening. I'm still piecing together some things, but I think I know who it is based on some statements my MIL made. Stay tuned for that.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 9:10 PM, Monday, November 14th]

In these situation I would move the divorce along as quickly as possible. She may soon discover her knight in shining armor is just some jackal wrapped in aluminum foil.

Troutman, I've had a similar situation. My WW moved out soon after I discovered what was going on. Let me just say, that you are doing the right thing. We are all weak when we first find out, trying out best to save what we can. When you step back from it all, you realize that most of the time, its just not worth saving.

You will be fine in time. Time is your friend. Use it to exercise (so that you can get yourself back into the shape you want if you plan on dating), eat right and get your mind right to take the divorce head on. Its not an easy journey, you will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for a bit, but you will be fine in the end. We all make it. I'm on the other side, 5 yrs out now, and I love my new life.

Take it a day at a time and we're here if you have questions. Get that divorce wrapped up ASAP. While there is still guilt.

I was only married for about seven years when an almost identical situation happened with me.

My then-wife suddenly became distant, cold, and secretive in certain behaviors.

She suddenly expressed how she was unhappy, the marriage was horrible, and I got the adulterer-standard ILYBINILWY lines of mental acrobatics.

A major difference in my case, when I asked her if there was someone else, she emphatically denied and passionately claimed that she "would NEVER do that" - all the while she was doing just that what she was passionately claiming what would never do.

When I discovered the truth and confronted her with red-handed evidence, her treatment of me became heinous and she continued her adultery.

Like you, her family was firmly behind me and quite disgusted with her.

Even though she immediately began ranting about how she was going to file for divorce, she never did.

I filed and never even told her as I figured she’d find out eventually and having her served cost extra anyway and I wasn’t going to pay for that.

When she found out that I had indeed filed for divorce, I started getting the tearful phone calls about how she still loved me and if we "could fix this".

I told her "I AM fixing this".

Let me tell you, it is EXTREMELY difficult to come back from such a deep betrayal and such lies and deceptions that were a willing betrayal of trust.

It sounds like you are handling this as well as one can based on the sudden way it was dropped on you after a long-term marriage.

I agree with the previous poster in that it is best for you to move as quickly as possible with the divorce while she is still in her dopamine-fueled, childish, fantasy world of new-male attention.

I would suggest you steamroll through this divorce with as cold and steely business-like demeanor as possible.

Married 30 years but attempting to continue a relationship with a person so capable of what she has done would be impossible in my opinion.

I knew immediately that I would not be able to live with what my XWW did and nine years after divorcing her I am glad I didn’t waste time with such a person.

I am, like you, 57 years old and live a quite fulfilling life.

Your life is not defined by a spouse or a marriage - it is defined by only you and the values you authentically live by.

Keep reading and posting here as you will learn much from people who have been through what you are now going through.

Ah man. People can be so cruel.

Going on 18 months, agree with you no coming back from that.

I'd do what Dkt3 suggests and file asap. Get this now poisonous person out of your life and do whatever you can to get her out of your house. Let her go live with Mr. Wonderful.

Agree with you communication thru email only. Your kids are grown, once she's out of the house, ghost her. Find another woman to talk to instead. She wants to discuss the divorce, she can talk to your lawyers. Her actions have said all you ever need to hear from her going forward.

Do your best to wrap all this up quickly. 6 months from now you'll be happy you didn't let things drag out where she's using you as a safety net. <-- Fuck that!

Leverage the fog ASAP if you think you can do better than 50/50. As soon as a selfish snake talks to a lawyer doing their fiduciary duty, there is no way in hell they are taking less than "what they are owed by law".

Definitely move as quickly as possible with the divorce to get the best possible settlement. As others have said, she might settle for less than what she is entitled by law if she’s feeling guilty, wants to appear like she’s doing the right thing, and/or thinks she and OM are going to be together right away.

If she was still trying to keep you or your home as a backup plan, then OM might not be a "done deal", in which case, the quicker you move, the better. Do you know anything about the other guy? My guess is that he is also married and they had a plan to end their marriages at the same time to be together. It’s entirely possible that he won’t hold up his end of the bargain, at which point you will need to figure out how you will react if she comes crying home with her tail between her legs.

Thanks for the thoughts so far everyone, much appreciated. To answer a couple questions.

I'd do what Dkt3 suggests and file asap. Get this now poisonous person out of your life and do whatever you can to get her out of your house. Let her go live with Mr. Wonderful.

She is out of the home and living with AP. Conveniently as I noted, she hasn't changed her address, which would mean actual work like new license, changing car registration and insurance etc...

Do you know anything about the other guy? My guess is that he is also married and they had a plan to end their marriages at the same time to be together. It’s entirely possible that he won’t hold up his end of the bargain, at which point you will need to figure out how you will react if she comes crying home with her tail between her legs.

I have my suspicions based on something my MIL said about AP when WW told her and her father she was leaving me. I should know more tomorrow. I do know he is already divorced.

Getting officially separated limits the damage that will back splash on to you and your kids. He's not a winner by any means since he was happy being in a PT relationship with a married woman for over a year. He's definitely not worth losing her kids over and that's where shes headed.

Getting officially separated limits the damage that will back splash on to you and your kids. He's not a winner by any means since he was happy being in a PT relationship with a married woman for over a year. He's definitely not worth losing her kids over and that's where shes headed.

No kidding grubs. I told her about two weeks ago, this guy is risking nothing in this relationship since he's already divorced (except maybe his decency as a human being). She's willing to blow up a marriage that is about 7/8 there. She's losing her honor, integrity, reputation, financial stability, siblings, parents and children on a big "maybe". The woman has always been a bit impulsive (I'm the planner in the house) and this is a great example. Her mother told me the other day she never thought about consequences of actions as a kid.

So sorry she’s doing this. We are about the same age, and together 30 plus years. She’s going to try to sit on the fence, make you her back up plan. You have done great so far limiting the contact through email. Get moving on this because when Prince Charming shows his true colors she will be so sorry and at your door.

I’m really sorry for you. As others have given you some great advice I don’t need to repeat them.

One thing though, you need to be prepared in the event she decides she made a mistake. You are probably thinking "damn TheFirstWife doesn’t know what she’s talking about".

But you see she’s hedging her bets. She’s counting on you to be her back up plan just in case this affair doesn’t work out.

Please don’t allow this. I’m suggesting that you tell her she has X days to get all her stuff. Then change the locks. Change passwords to everything - bank accounts and credit card accounts and cable and utility accounts etc. and lock down your social media - unfriend her.

Start to out some distance between you. If she wants out - she’s out. 100% out. Will she be mad or hurt or whatever? Yes. But she made the decision to lie and cheat snd end the marriage. So she must live with that choice.

I’m not saying D her. I’m just saying don’t be left in limbo while she plans you as her back up plan.

You deserve better than that. Again I’m sorry you are facing this. I don’t understand why she was not honest but trust me, she was never "unhappy" until she met the other guy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:41 AM, Wednesday, July 13th]

Troutman
First of all I hope that name indicates you spend more time casting flies than hitting teeny weeny white balls…

I believe in believing people. Doesn’t mean they are right, but when your wife says ILYBNILWY and not happy for years and all that… SHE believes it and no arguing on your behalf right now will change that.
I also think that you are overestimating the shame, pain, financial impact and all that a divorce will have on her life. People divorce all the time. You two as a couple will be in the grapevine for a couple of weeks and then some congressman or Hollywood star or pro-sportsman get’s caught with an underage transvestite and Mr and Mrs Troutman will be history.

IF this ends with divorce and IF OM and your ex remain together… your adult kids will hopefully reestablish some relationship with their mom, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the OM takes your place at her family reunions and Thanksgiving dinners.

It’s called life. It happens while we are busy planning it and living it.

I would suggest the following:
Tell your wife that you are not standing in the way of her happiness. You don’t agree with her assessment of the marriage and had hoped of living forever with her, but even less do you want to keep her in a marriage she doesn’t want to be in. Furthermore, there are a couple of things you don’t share: Your tootbrush and your wife. She’s totally free to be with OM, but not as your wife.

Then tell her the logical next step is the divorce. Nothing will change in a year. It’s not as if you will accept sharing her after a couple of months, or are willing to wait until she tires of OM or whatever.
Tell her that you will start the divorce process and that you want to be fair, but also you realize that fair can be in the eye of the beholder. It would be best to finish this amicably, but you are getting an attorney to ensure everything is done correctly.

Then leave.

Don’t spend time arguing about what she’s losing. Don’t tell her what the kids will say. NOTHING you can say can change her mind. In fact – right now she NEEDS conflict with you to help validate her actions. Refuse that conflict and you have created a big problem for her.

If she brings up marital issues:
"You spent too much time on the road" or "you didn’t show me attention" or whatever… standard reply is:
"I am sorry you feel that way. I might have another opinion on this issue. If we were working on our marriage, we would need to address this but since you are committed to your affair and we are divorcing there isn’t really anything to gain by going there"

Remember: She NEEDS conflict.

She needs to cuddle up to OM and tell him what an ahole you are, how difficult and uncompromising… Don’t give it to her.

Then I suggest you start focusing on several things:
Focus on YOU. Get a haircut. Buy new jeans. Maybe stop wearing those t-shirts you got at a promotion. Start jogging. Lift weights. Fish!
When you meet your wife you want to look your best. Happy and carefree. Plus these actions will help with sleep and recovery.

Act happy and content. Tell your kids that no – you aren’t happy that she’s gone, but you are happy that she’s not cheating on you. The minute the divorce is signed you are no longer married to a cheating wife.

Keep the house in top-order. Make changes. If she comes over make sure that ugly flower-painting in the hallway is gone, and that glorious mounted moose-head you shot 14 years ago has center place. Make it your own, and make it obvious.

The above actions have a couple of purposes: They will knock WW weapons out of her hands, making her seriously consider if she’s doing right. I see in your posts some hope (but little belief) she comes back to her senses. This is IMHO the best method to possibly create that situation.

That is by far not the main reason though: These actions and steps will help you feel better. They will move you on out of infidelity.

Even if you do the divorce without the whole court and attorney show then YOU make sure YOU have legal representation. Several major reasons for this:
1)Does infidelity impact divorce in your state? If it does even the threat of using that tool might get you a better deal.
2)An attorney will know how to massage the 401k to your advantage. For example: rather than withdraw or sacrifice a third they can calculate how more equity in the family home or vehicles can counter any withdrawal. Maybe your WW get’s 60% of the home value, and you stick with your 401.
3)After 30 years your finances are tightly interlaced. We had a poster on the divorce forum sharing how his wife hadn’t honored the divorce agreement on paying a credit-card debt. Now – about 4 years later – they were collecting off the poster. An attorney will know exactly how to split things so you are safe from future issues.

I'm sorry your here.
I know exactly what you're going through. My FWW was all set to move on with her AP. She left me and took our kids and moved back to her hometown. The AP was supposed to leave his pregnant wife and three kids to be with my FWW. It didn't end well. He dropped her after he got fired from his job. It took her three months to realize that all she was to him was a cheap thrill.
I hope that everything works out for you.

Thank you The1stWife

But you see she’s hedging her bets. She’s counting on you to be her back up plan just in case this affair doesn’t work out.

Please don’t allow this. I’m suggesting that you tell her she has X days to get all her stuff. Then change the locks. Change passwords to everything - bank accounts and credit card accounts and cable and utility accounts etc. and lock down your social media - unfriend her.

Start to out some distance between you. If she wants out - she’s out. 100% out. Will she be mad or hurt or whatever? Yes. But she made the decision to lie and cheat snd end the marriage. So she must live with that choice.

I’m not saying D her. I’m just saying don’t be left in limbo while she plans you as her back up plan.

I'm planning just that about getting the remainder of her things. No one foot here, one there. That also goes with what I said upthread about changing your address. I control all the finances, and have all the accounts protected. Her pay goes into her own separate checking account, which is fine by me. No social media to worry about, neither of us use it.

I have implemented an e-mail only policy going forward. I told her last time we spoke I need to put distance between us so I can move forward and heal. I told her the woman I married is gone, and has been replaced by someone I don't even recognize, nor does any of her family especially our sons.

The thing is, she is SO stubborn I suspect she'd stick it out over there and just be miserable rather than admit defeat. Unless he gives her the boot... Apparently she managed to be unhappy with me for years, but of course never bothered to verbalize that.

Very sorry you find yourself here. I agree and second everything The1stWife advised. Get some distance and space between you. The separation will help you deal mentally and emotionally. You can’t just up and forget thirty years history. But you can focus on yourself moving forward and your children. Once you have distance don’t engage with her. If you have to talk, be a gray rock. Give her nothing to react to. You are moving on. She’s in the past. No contact means no new hurts. Good luck.

Apparently she managed to be unhappy with me for years, but of course never bothered to verbalize that.

That's not true and you, and she if she is honest to herself, know it. What waywards do, especially those that believe in "taking the high road", is rewrite the marriage to excuse their failing to be faithful. Every blemish is magnified to excuse the betrayal. Do not let her failures reflect on you. You were married for almost 30 years. That's not a sign of a husband with major failings. If she was truly unhappy this would have been over 5 years ago when the children were out of the house.
I will tell you writing those checks is going to suck. But I did it and have no regrets. The only regret I have is wasting six months in false R. I would have paid more to get her out of my life sooner.
Moving fast here is to your benefit. Any delay just builds the equity in your home and 401k to her benefit. It also gives her more time to fully test drive AP. I'd be surprised if the gleam isn't already dulling there. It's one thing to be sparsely dating in the shadows. Whole another story to be living with someone.
Pack her things and drop it off at her parents. Move her out. Change the locks. You really don't want her moving back in when reality hits.

It also gives her more time to fully test drive AP. I'd be surprised if the gleam isn't already dulling there. It's one thing to be sparsely dating in the shadows. Whole another story to be living with someone.

Amen to that. She works from home, and she kind of hinted he does too. 24/7 is going to expose all the warts very quickly. I know how she can be after a bad day with her boss, or on housecleaning day, or after a tiff with her mother, or planning meals for the week (she hates that) etc...I ran a lot of interference over the years for her in minor family squabbles. This guy doesn't even know her family, but hey they're now all estranged from her at the moment anyway!

Speaking of which... There were some family issues with her brother/SIL around Christmas last year. To sweep her away from it I took her to Florida for four days, we had a great time played some golf ate some nice meals. And although she was careful about the use of the Toll Pass to go see AP in general, she missed a few when I scrolled back through the records. The DAY AFTER we got back from FL she ran over there that evening for a few hours. I thing she told me she was meeting her girlfriend for a few drinks. Things like THAT are why there is no going back.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:09 AM, Wednesday, July 13th]

I've known it for a long time, but the woman lacks empathy.

That pretty much explains it all. Lacks empathy, so she's selfish, and a mirage has turned her head.

She'll regret it eventually, even if she never admits it. I hope your life gets better than ever, with a better new partner.

The level of deceit and lies of omission and commission to be able to pull this off for so long is frankly unbelievable.

Not if you’ve been around here for long.

You’re on the right track to make as clean a break as you can. Congrats for that.

When you can set aside the emotions for a bit, take the chance to just watch your WW. Un-know everything you possibly can about her, and see her with fresh eyes, not as your wife but as just another member of the crooked timber of humanity stumbling through life. In time perhaps you can feel pity for her. I already do…seen this play out too many times here.

You’ll be free and able to meet someone, bringing all of your life’s experiences to bear in finding someone compatible, or just enjoy your own untethered company. She’ll wake up each morning with a new toy rapidly losing its luster.

Best of luck TroutFellow!