SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know how bad it seems, but as a positive, let me congratulate you on raising a fine son. Kudos to you.

Troutman
Your older son’s response to your ww’s text is awesome!!! I hope your ww realizes the devastation she has caused you and your children and has deep remorse.
Good luck with IC. Things will get better. Hang in there.

Besides your wife being a cheater she’s a COWARD.

She sent a text to your son and she thinks that is ok?

I don’t understand how that thought process could even work - not pick up a phone and hide behind a text for throwing a bomb 💣 into your family’s life.

Shaking my damn head (SMDH) over that one. 🤦‍♀️

I’m sorry for you and your sons. You all deserve better but I guess you should not expect miracles from her. How sad.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:10 PM, Thursday, July 21st]

I know how bad it seems, but as a positive, let me congratulate you on raising a fine son. Kudos to you.

Thank you. Actually two of them, and they've done more to keep my head above water through this then they will ever know.

DailyGratitude:

Your older son’s response to your ww’s text is awesome!!! I hope your ww realizes the devastation she has caused you and your children and has deep remorse.

She doesn't have a clue. It's actually scary to see how little she has reacted to this. No regret, no remorse, no shame. Maybe someday...
To lose those two amazing men (not that I would have been the cheater) from my life would utterly destroy me.

The1stWife

Besides your wife being a cheater she’s a COWARD.

She sent a text to your son and she thinks that is ok?

I don’t understand how that thought process could even work - not pick up a phone and hide behind a text for throwing a bomb 💣 into your family’s life.

Well, she knows they are not going to answer a call from her anytime soon. We are five weeks in and they have no plans to speak to her at all.

"I don't understand" has become the mantra of my life thorugh all of this.

I do have to meet her tomorrow at the bank to get her removed from our joint account. It has to be done in person by both of us together. Not looking forward to it but I'm going to give her NOTHING in terms of any kind of emotional reaction. I'm ready.

Not looking forward to it but I'm going to give her NOTHING in terms of any kind of emotional reaction. I'm ready.

Rehearse this, do not get drawn into a conversation. All business, looking good, feeling good. I’m her selfishness she wants you to grovel, she wants your Son to beg her back. Don’t feed into it.

So far so good, on walling yourself off from this shit show.

Troutman,

Your story reminded me of a man I used to talk to at the gym.

His WW was in an affair and wanted a divorce.

It didn't take long until he just wanted the divorce done as he wanted to date, he told his WW that and she started to backtrack when he no longer wanted her.

Exactly as Tanner said. Dress smart and get as much rest as possible tonight. When you see your WW tomorrow you need to show confidence snd a strong outward demeanor.

Do not engage in any conversation whatsoever besides the financial business at hand. If she tries to engage you in any other conversation you can tell her these are things I would have discussed with my wife, not my soon to be ex wife.

She will most likely bring up how your sons are treating her, and that you are potentially to blame, and/or you need to help her get them to talk with her. Ignore all of this.

Stick to the business at hand snd nothing else.

unpacking 30 years of memories, and wondering just how much of that was a lie is tough.

Unless you wind up trying for reconciliation, I advise you not to go down this path. Don't think about what was 'real' and what was 'fake'. Don't ruminate.

The feelings that you felt at the time were real and authentic. To mentally go back in time and make yourself feel bad about those experiences is an insidious form of pain-shopping. There's literally nothing to be gained from it, and a lot that could be lost.

She may have been lying to you all along, or she may have changed recently. She may have had episodes where she lied for a while, and then other stretches of time when she was completely genuine. If you're divorcing, I think the right thing to do is just assume that all your happy memories were from authentic interactions. Let yourself remember good memories fondly. Just so long as it doesn't lead to you doing anything stupid w/r/t how you treat her in the here-and-now, you deserve to keep memories of happy times.

EDIT: Just wanted to add that this is incredibly difficult to do. Just do the best you can, and if you catch yourself ruminating and trying to puzzle out how those memories might be false, stop and engage your mind with something else. You won't always succeed, but it's better than not trying at all.

[This message edited by Sordid at 1:25 AM, Friday, July 22nd]

Just to echo others and reinforce their advice. You are very wise not to burden your sons with your feelings. Of course they know you are in pain. But it’s great you have an old friend to confide in. Sordid is correct. This is very hard. We all understand. Be easy on yourself. Take time to grieve and get out with others as you continue to heal. It will be an emotional rollercoaster but it does get better.

Your attitude and approach to your bank meeting is excellent. At the bottom, it’s a business function. That’s it. Feeling good and looking good will help you through it. You are moving forward. That’s your focus. Best of luck.

There is likely no one answer for tbis last point of 'was it all a lie"? But fwiw, I strongly believe that for the vast majority it is one or both of these two:

1) people change over time and sometimes they change toward each other, sometimes apart

2) life can grind us down. If we don't have a good way of coping spiritually & mentally, we may come to some very poor conclusions about what we need and what we want.

There's obviously other complicating factors but I basically believe that, almost always, long term marriages that fail were not a lie or a charade throughout. Yours included.

Sending strength for tomorrow brother. From your words, it sounds to me you are ready. Just remember, she will likely be as anxious as you, although would likely never admit that.

Dress well, get some rest, stick to business and try to act as though her nuking your relationship and marriage isn’t affecting you.

And, it sounds like you raised two great men, you should be very proud. There is nothing like the pride a father feels for his son(s) when they demonstrate honour and integrity. Well son Sir.

Personally, I hope your wife and sons manage to reestablish a healthy relationship. I don’t think it’s to anyone’s advantage to have an unhealthy parent/child relationship. But it’s not your concern other than how it might impact your son’s life.

I’m not big on this revenge and pain thing… Like I have stated: Your future happiness is not dependent on her unhappiness.

Your future recovery is through detachment – not through negative attachment.

I think the key issue is to view this process for what it is: A business event.
Being non-emotional is best. You aren’t going to the bank to send a message, resolve marital issues, make her regret her decisions or whatever. You are going to the bank to start the process of detangling your issues.

If she does want some reaction or have some discussions… It’s OK IMHO to show emotions, but I would steer away from anger or hate. Not because you can’t have them, but rather because they don’t give you anything positive. Right now you need some form of communications to get the divorce over and on the best terms available for you. Anger and hate tend to cloud that goal for both of you.

This does not equate to being friendly. I’m fine with you telling her you want minimal and only divorce related contact. But it’s also OK to share the real reason for why you want this: it’s not because you hate her, but rather that this divorce wasn’t what you envisioned, not any more than her infidelity, and that you need that distance for your personal recovery. It’s not about her – it’s about what’s best for you.

Short story: In many ways I did the perfect 180, detachment and relationship-endings around. Once I discovered the affair I left the apartment we rented and never entered it again. I guess I maybe spent a total of under four hours in her presence after that. Granted – technically it was easy because we weren’t yet married (I caught her just over four weeks from the Big Day), no kids and all that. The ONLY action I really regret from that time was the letter I sent to the invitation-list for our marriage notifying them that as far as Bigger was concerned there was no marriage. It might go on because the fiancé seemed to have found another victim. The letter was written with the intent to hurt, and it did.
It's one of relatively few things I regret in life. Our relationship was just as over before the letter and the letter neither made it more dead nor made recovery any more likely. It had no purpose other than to hurt.

Thanks for all the thoughts on today everyone.

Well things didn't go exactly as planned today,and the outcome was a bit different than expected. Everything went Ok with the finance thing, and she did briefly come by the house to pick up some things. I was VERY calm, but did engage in some limited conversation. I'm going to stay in the house for a least the next six to eight months or unitl I decide whether to keep it or not. In the context of the house, I mentioned that the boys were happy that "home" was still there for the for holidays. She said it would be nice if the four of us could get together for Christmas at the house. I about fell out of the chair. I calmly told her "you are either in my life as my loving, faithful committed wife or your are completly out of my life, so I can move forward and heal." We know she has already not chosen option one from that list...So no "cake eating". She started crying with that one, big time. I said nothing. Since OM is Jewish no Christmas celebration over there. She loves Christmas too.

I think the veneer is strarting to crack a bit, and she is realizing just how badly she screwed this up. I can't believe she thought she could have it both ways, and yeah I know that's right out of the cheater handbook. It's just that she was so "final" the way she departed a month ago. Loverboy is going to have his hands full tonight...

She did tell me she is going to start therapy. Good, I hope it helps her.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 2:29 AM, Saturday, July 23rd]

Troutman523 - well handled!

The comments from her regarding getting together for Christmas and her starting IC, after leaving with such a show of finality...clearly she is not sure she made the correct decisions. But for your part, keep detaching and moving forward. Do not become her Plan B - make your decisions based on what is best for you. And your WW should no longer be your problem as your children are grown.

Who knows what the future brings for you with regard to your WW, but for now, keep healing.

Well done Troutman523!

Her asking about the family getting together at your home for Christmas is laughable. She is obviously oblivious to what she has done and wants to show the world or fool herself into thinking everything is okay!

Your reply was perfect.

This could be a turning point.

She’s now had a reality check - she’s not in control of you and she’s not in control of the family unit.

It will be interesting to see what happens in the future.

What a reality check for her. You handled it great.

Nicely handled Troutman. Happy for you, as you established a boundary. That’s important.

We don’t know your WW but you are very right about the Cheaters Handbook. There is a great deal of delusion that goes into the Waywards thought process. Her decisions appear propelled by total selfishness and entitlement. She never stopped to consider the ramifications of her deceit and betrayal. You would be amazed how many waywards, like your WW, expect that their former family will still want to vacation together, get together at the holidays etc.

In her mind, if you and your sons can still get together with her for the holidays, if you can still all be friends, then her cheating Isn’t that bad. Don’t you see! She wants to get together, at least in part, to assuage her guilt. But your friends do not betray your trust and behave as your WW has done.

Keep moving ahead. Take care of you. Start to heal. Be there for your boys. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:54 PM, July 22nd (Friday)]